Unlovely (13 page)

The teaching assistant in her German conversation and
composition class was a scholarly-looking graduate student in his early
twenties. Jason
Wysocki
ran a casual class; the
students called him by his Christian name, and before and after each session he
would chat with them about campus life or family things, or anything else they
brought up. He seemed nice enough and was a very popular teacher. Claudia would
have preferred a more formal atmosphere, remembering well the warmth and
friendliness of Mr. James
Fulko
, but she realized that
not everyone felt as she did, and that she would simply have to adjust to
Jason's way of doing things.

One day a few weeks into the semester,
Claudia arrived to the classroom at the very last minute, just as Jason was
approaching from the opposite direction. He smiled at her, tossed off some
comment about making it in the nick of time, and paused to allow her to precede
him through the door.

As she was passing into the room, Jason
put his hand on her shoulder and asked how her day was going. He was making
small talk in his usual friendly way, but Claudia could feel the heat from his
hand as it lingered just a little too long on her person. This wasn't a
friendly pat: Jason was trying to see if he could feel her bra strap under the
fabric of her blouse. It made Claudia extremely uncomfortable. She twitched
away from him as soon as she could, not even able to formulate an answer to his
question. She took her seat, mortified, and participated as little as possible
in the conversation that day, dying for class to be over.

Claudia knew she should say something to
someone, even though it made her sick to do it. Jason was so nice. Still, he
couldn't be allowed to make a woman feel objectified in his class. After
dismissal, she went straight to the German department and sought out the
department chairman.

Fortunately, Dr. Schwartz was in his
office, and he agreed to meet with her for a few minutes. Claudia introduced
herself and then related her experience in all of its horrible detail, afraid
to meet the professor's eyes. It was awkward and humiliating.

Dr. Schwartz listened to Claudia's
complaint about Jason without comment. When he was sure she had reached the end
of her story, he shook his head and cleared his throat. (Of all the things to
have to deal with! Ridiculous romantic fantasies. Still, must take these women
seriously.)

"I'm glad you came to me to share
your concerns, but I must say I'm baffled. I've never had any complaints about
this class or teacher before. Forgive me, but are you sure you're interpreting
the situation correctly?"

"I know when someone is behaving
inappropriately with me, if that's what you mean."

Dr. Schwartz picked up a pen and tapped
it on a book, appearing to grapple with this difficult situation. He looked at
the girl sitting across from him, slumped round-shouldered on her chair, and
weighed his words.

"It's just that if what you're
saying occurred actually happened, it would be a very serious matter, Miss
Milford. We would have to take it to the dean, and she would be obliged to
launch an investigation."

Claudia bristled. "What do you mean
'if it actually happened
?'
It sounds like you think
I'm lying. Why would I lie about something like this?"

"I don't doubt that you are being
absolutely sincere. Please don't misunderstand me."

"I don't like to be accused of
lying or of fantasizing something. I came in here with a legitimate complaint.
It was very difficult for me to do it. I like Jason."

Dr. Schwartz shifted uncomfortably in
his seat. Disagreeable woman. "All I'm saying, Miss Milford, is that
before we do something that will affect a teacher's reputation – something that
will go on his record – we have to be exceedingly cautious. There must be no
possibility of a mistake."

"Isn't that what the investigation
is for? Go ahead and investigate. I'll answer any questions the dean might
have. If I've misinterpreted, as you seem to believe, then I'll happily admit
it. I'll say it again: I like Jason. I feel rotten about coming to you."

Dr. Schwartz nodded and cleared his
throat again. "As I'm sure you're aware, even if the investigation
concludes he was not guilty of any offense – no! I'm not accusing you of lying!
– it would be a serious mark against him on his record."

"Well, maybe he should have thought
of that before feeling me up," Claudia muttered.

"Pardon me?" Dr. Schwartz
asked. "Feeling what?"

Claudia was suddenly very tired of the
whole thing. She had suspected that Dr. Schwartz would react the way he did
before she even came into his office. She'd thought he might try to discourage
her, but she'd felt she had to say something. Dr. Schwartz had no real
intention of pursuing this matter at all. He probably thought she should just
get over it. Schwartz likely didn't even think Jason had behaved improperly.
Who knows? At one time he may have made similar moves on some unfortunate co-ed
himself.

It was frustrating beyond words, but
Claudia wasn't naïve. She knew how the world worked. Better not to antagonize
anyone.

Dr. Schwartz tried again, "I'm
sorry, Miss Milford. I didn't catch that last thing you said. Something about
feeling?"

Claudia rolled her eyes.

"Nothing, Dr. Schwartz. It's
okay." Claudia stood up to go. "I suppose you may be right. Maybe I'm
being overly sensitive." The words were bitter in her mouth.

"Am I to understand, then, that you
are withdrawing your complaint?"

"Yes, Dr. Schwartz. Please consider
it withdrawn."

Dr. Schwartz looked relieved as he rose
from his seat while Claudia headed for the door.

"Very well, then, Miss Milford. I
hope the rest of your semester goes smoothly for you. Hang in there. Adjusting
to life on campus can be a trial."

"Yeah, right," Claudia
thought, but she thanked Dr. Schwartz for his time and left.

Thereafter, Claudia made a point of
getting to conversation and composition class early so as to be seated before
Jason arrived. She still enjoyed German, but her enthusiasm for the class had
been curbed by the whole episode. She would talk to her fellow students freely,
but she was terse with Jason. She didn't want to send any mixed message, and
although he might never have been officially sanctioned for his behavior, she
hoped her coldness would remind him of the moral weight of his actions.

"Who here has ever felt like her feelings haven't
been validated?" the counselor asked.

All of the women in the group raised
their hands, although it took a few seconds for some of them to get up the
nerve. Or perhaps they simply weren't paying close attention.

Margaret, pleased to see the level of
participation, continued, "Who wants to share?"

Josie, a pretty, raven-haired woman with
breast implants wildly out of proportion to her tiny frame spoke up.

"I feel like my husband doesn't
care about what I'm feeling," she said.

"Why is that?"

"I don't know. I just don't feel
like he does. He doesn't want to talk to me. He doesn't want to talk about the
kids, or Justin's ADHD, or anything that's going on at home."

Claudia knew all about Josie's husband.
Everyone did. Josie had met him when she was making money as a private model,
when he was still married to wife number three. Claudia thought that
"private model" sounded like a sketchy job, but Josie contended it
was professional and tasteful, just a service for men too busy to go to the
shops themselves.

"How does that make you feel?"

"Lonely."

Claudia wondered if Josie's husband were
lonely right now. She bet he wasn't.

Margaret nodded. "Have you ever
told him that's how you felt?"

"Yes, I tell him all the time that
he should listen to me, but then he gets mad and we argue. And then he says he
doesn't want to fight and walks away, and gives me the silent treatment for a
while. We never talk about what I wanted to talk about in the first
place."

Margaret nodded again. "Sometimes
other people have trouble understanding what we feel unless we explain it in
terms they don't find critical. If someone thinks he's being criticized, he
might put up a defense. And for some people, that defense is silence. Is it
possible that's what's going on with your husband?"

"I guess so."

Claudia listened to the exchange,
mesmerized by Josie's voice and demeanor. She was such a mix of adorable and
sexy, it was hard to imagine her having any sort of problem with men. She had
to be secretly bitchy or something. Her type never had real problems. She had
never really been lonely, gnawingly lonely. She was just disgruntled.

It wasn't like she was getting beat up.
That would have been awful, but it definitely wasn't the case here. Josie was
just blue and had relationship problems. Did she even really need to be here?
Josie could dump her husband and find a new one within ten minutes if she
wanted. Once her meds kick in and her mood lifts, she'll be set.

"Does anyone have anything they
want to share with Josie?"

The group was silent. It was
uncomfortable, as if the teacher had asked "Who wrote
Moby Dick
?"
and the whole class refused to answer by unanimous consent. Nonetheless,
Margaret waited for someone to say something.

"Sometimes men are just
clueless," Maggie said. "You can't blame yourself."

Josie smiled. "Thanks,
Maggie."

"I agree with Maggie," Claudia
chimed in.

"Me, too," a couple of other
women murmured.

"Yes," Margaret said.
"Relationships with men are difficult, aren't they? It looks like you have
a lot of support here, Josie. How does that make you feel?"

One afternoon Claudia went back to her dorm room
feeling unusually discouraged. She'd gotten a B on a pop quiz in Western
Civ
and it galled her. It wasn't a challenging class, and a
B was ludicrous. She'd been off her game all day; the girls down the hall had
kept her up late the night before with some impromptu pizza party to which
they'd invited a number of the boys from the other wing. It had been very loud.
Lots of shrieking. If Claudia didn't get enough sleep, she couldn't be expected
to perform well, could she?

She dumped her backpack on her bed, then
went back into the common area to buy a Coke from the machine. Returning to her
room, she noticed a door standing ajar a little further down the hall. It was
Janet's room. Claudia decided to pop in.

Janet was attending the university on
scholarship to major in microbiology. She only got drunk on special occasions
and made a point of studying in the library on Friday nights, and in this way
distinguished herself as a serious student. Claudia liked her well enough,
finding her somewhat interesting to talk to. Janet seemed to understand the
scene. Plus, she hadn't been involved in the pizza party incident, so there was
no need to shun her.

"Hi," Claudia said, leaning on
the door frame. Janet was lying on the bed with her back propped up against two
mammoth pillows, taking a
Cosmo
quiz
.
She looked up, startled.
Claudia rarely popped in for a visit.

"Hi. What's up?"

"Do you have a minute? Can I ask you
something?"

"I guess. Come on in," Janet
said, putting the magazine down and sitting up a little straighter.

Claudia entered, sat down on the only
available chair, and asked abruptly, "Do you ever feel like everyone
around you is sex-crazed?"

It took a moment for Janet to adjust her
brain to Claudia using the word "sex." It seemed so incongruous
coming out of her mouth. Then, having processed the question, Janet's defenses
went up. Should she be affronted? She searched Claudia's face. Was this some
sort of jab at her? Had Claudia heard about that guy she'd made out with at the
TKE party last weekend? It would be weird for Claudia to bring that up.

But no, Claudia looked more worried than
judgmental. Janet relaxed.

"Sex-crazed? No, I don't think so.
Why?"

"Really? Because it seems like it's
the only thing people talk about. It makes me uncomfortable."

Janet smiled with more than a trace of
condescension. "You do know you're living in close quarters with hundreds
of normal young people, right? Normal people think about sex, Claudia."

"All the time? They think about it
all the time?"

"A lot of the time."

Claudia considered that. "I
don't."

"I bet you do."

"No, I don't. I came here for an
education. I think about lots of other things."

"Well I do, too," Janet
bristled.

"I know. That's why I came to you
and not to somebody else."

Mollified but still a little uneasy
about having a sex talk with Claudia, Janet was stumped about what to say next,
so she waited for Claudia to pick up the conversational ball.