Unlovely (14 page)

"Do you think I'm abnormal?"
Claudia asked.

"I'm not sure what you mean,"
Janet said, and then paused for a moment to give the matter proper
consideration. A dim light went on in her brain. Yes! That would make sense!

"Do you mean you think you might be
a lesbian or something?" Janet queried in a lowered voice. "You know,
that's not so abnormal, Claudia. There are lots of lesbians on campus."

"No, I'm not a lesbian. I
definitely like men," Claudia responded tersely, and then bit her tongue.
She didn't want to appear defensive. She didn't want to seem disapproving.

Janet ruminated on the possibility of
Claudia's heterosexuality before asking, "Have you dated anyone
before?"

"No," she lowered her voice.
"I haven't even kissed anyone."

That was certainly no surprise. Janet
couldn't imagine Claudia allowing a man get close enough to kiss her. Still,
the right thing to do in this situation was respond with shock. Her eyebrows
shot up.

"Really? Well, there you go.
There's your problem, Claudia. You need to get a little action."

Claudia stiffened, assuming she was
being mocked, but then relaxed upon noting Janet's frank expression.

"I don't know about that. I don't
see how that's going to happen."

Janet ignored her, pleased with her own
perspicacity. She wasn't concerned with the logistics of the proposal at the
moment. This was a psychological breakthrough.

"That's it, you know. That's what
it is," Janet said, warming to the idea. "You're the one obsessed
with sex, Claudia, because it's mysterious to you. It's making you nuts,
because you're afraid of it, or you don't understand it. To everyone else it's
just part of life. You need to demystify sex, and then you'll be comfortable
with it. You won't feel like it's overwhelming you anymore."

"I've thought that, to be honest –
that I'm somehow out of the loop, I mean – but I don't know," Claudia
said, looking to the door, her means of escape from this discussion. "I'm
not exactly the kind of girl most men go for."

Janet looked Claudia over from head to
foot, thinking truer words had never been spoken. The girl was a mess. She
dressed like a seventy-year-old woman, moved like an even older one, and she
just didn't seem to understand how to socialize at all. Did she come out of the
box like that, or was it the result of some sort of abuse?

Janet knew she could never verbalize
those thoughts, of course. That would be terribly mean. She would simply be
encouraging; Janet could make it her job to encourage. She wasn't expected to
work miracles.

So she lied. "I'm sure there's
someone for you, Claudia. Probably plenty of men have been interested, but you
just haven't really been looking. You may need to be the one who initiates
things. You're an intellectual, you know, and that intimidates some guys. Plus,
you've obviously been cautious. Sometimes men take that as disinterest."

Claudia nodded thoughtfully. "So
what now? What do I do?"

"Honestly? If I were you, I'd try
to loosen up. Go to a party. Drink a beer. Get out there and see how other
girls do it. I'll take you out sometime if you'd like; just say the word."

"I don't know. I've never been much
of a party person." Claudia got up to go. "Thanks, though. Maybe.
We'll see. I don't know."

"Talk to you later," Janet
said to Claudia's back. She turned back to her
Cosmo.
She had to finish
the
quiz to find out what kind of a lover she was.

Claudia returned to her
spartan
room and lay down on the bed, reflecting on her conversation with Janet and the
past few weeks of life on campus. She couldn't help but entertain the
possibility that there was a whole layer of human experience that deserved to
be explored and understood, however uncomfortable it made her. After all, she
was an adult now. What was she so frightened of? If Melanie could do it, she
certainly could.

She should just do it. Just get it over
with; it would be like pulling a tooth. It would be therapeutic.

The more she thought about it, the more
it appealed to her. Why not? There was nothing stopping her. Claudia felt no
religious or moral opposition to premarital intercourse. She didn't think it
was a sin that would punch your ticket to hell. After all, God gave us these
bodies and these desires. Injunctions against sex for any two consenting adults
were medieval, some archaic blood-line thing.

And what was she supposed to do: wait
until she found that one special man? What if it never happened? Should she
never experience sex with someone? Would it be wicked to have sex with someone
you liked instead of truly loved? Again, it just seemed unreasonable.

And anyway, she was in no position to
think about a husband now. This wasn't her grandmother's generation, when women
expected to marry and be cared for by their husbands. Claudia anticipated a
career, and at the moment she enjoyed her time alone with her studies. She
might not be ready to settle with any one man until she was in her thirties, or
maybe even later. Could she really be expected to remain asexual that long? It
was absurd.

Maybe Janet was right. Claudia wasn't a
little girl anymore. She was a woman, and she needed to embrace the fact. She
began to seriously consider the prospect of pursuing a sexual relationship,
just for its own sake. Claudia was tired of being on the outside looking in, of
being ignorant. No more.

So Claudia set herself a new goal, one
she hoped to realize before she had to start studying for final exams.

On the face of it, this should have been
an easy task to accomplish. Many of the men on the west wing seemed available
for the asking, but Claudia immediately ruled all of them out as potential
partners. It would be very difficult to live in close proximity to someone
you'd had sex with. She didn't see the potential of having a real relationship
with any of them, and she didn't want any awkward daily encounters in the hall.

She wasn't going to go to a party and
pick someone up, either. It had been a disaster for Melanie. Plus, it was
tacky. The very idea was so disagreeable to her – all of it, from applying the
layers of makeup, to paying a buck for a cup of beer, to standing along some
frat house wall, waiting to be noticed. And what if no one did notice? Public
humiliation.

She went through all the men of her
acquaintance and found each lacking in some important regard or another. She
didn't require handsome, but she did require hygienic. She didn't need a
genius, but she wanted someone smarter than average. Needy was out, haughty was
out, short was out, freakishly tall was out, pimples were out, jocks were out,
men involved in student government were out, fraternity boys were unquestionably
out.

That left fewer candidates than she'd
imagined, but after about ten more minutes of serious thought, she was struck
with inspiration, and found herself resolved on the perfect man.

His name was
Arkady
,
he was a graduate student in linguistics, and he'd arrived from Moscow at the
end of June for a six month stay. She saw him every Wednesday afternoon, when
he'd drop in to assist in her Russian language lab. He was skinny and he had
crooked teeth, but he was clean, smart, friendly, and seemed to be normal
enough. Even better, he was only going to be in the United States for a few
more weeks before heading back to the motherland. He wouldn't expect a
relationship to evolve from this. It was going to be a meeting of body parts,
not minds, and if it went badly, she could take comfort in her lover being
halfway across the globe. He would do nicely.

Now Claudia had only to come up with
some way to approach him outside of the classroom. She wasn't Melanie – she had
no idea how to seduce a man.

Claudia puzzled over this dilemma until
a few days later, when the chairman of the Russian department unwittingly came
to her aid. He'd arranged a reading by a visiting poet, which was to be
followed by a punch and dessert reception at the student union. All Russian
students were encouraged to attend and
Arkady
would
certainly be present. Claudia would get to see him in a social situation. Now
all she had to do was take the opportunity and run with it.

On Wednesday evening Claudia prepared
herself for the reception, paying more than usual attention to her appearance.
She dressed in a long denim skirt and a green cotton turtleneck that showed her
hazel eyes to their best advantage, she combed her hair carefully and held it
back with a glossy black headband. Claudia debated whether or not to dab her
wrists with the Lauren perfume her mother had given her for her birthday. It
felt a little over the top, but she did it anyway.

Claudia hardly understood two words of
the poetry reading. She was an excellent student, but in language lab they had
only recently moved from discussion of family ("How many people are in
your family? Do you have a brother? What is the name of your brother?")
to
discussion of apartments ("Is your apartment big?
Who lives in your apartment? Is your apartment in the city or in the
suburbs?"). Metaphysical poetry was beyond her. She eventually gave up and
just thought about
Arkady
, seated two rows in front
of her and to the left, and the task that lay ahead.

Soon the reading was over, the poet was
applauded, and the summons given to move to the reception room to refresh. All
but a few of the attendees filed out of the lecture hall to the room set up for
the party next door; some of the senior faculty stayed behind to chat with the
guest of honor. Claudia exited with the herd and found a seat at a table with
her T.A. and a couple of her classmates. Outside of the familiar environment of
desks and whiteboard, friendly acquaintances turn into strangers; the group sat
together in silent discomfort, searching their brains for something to discuss,
James relinquishing his natural role as the leader of his students. Claudia was
too distracted by her plans to notice this. She kept her eyes on the door.

"Are you looking for someone?"
James asked, following Claudia's stare.

She didn't bother to look at him.
"I was just wondering if
Arkady
were here. I saw
him at the reading. I assumed he'd be coming to the reception as well."

"I saw him," one of her
classmates offered. "He was bringing in some champagne for
Evgeni
and the faculty. I guess they rate better than
Hawaiian Punch and ginger ale."

His interest piqued at the mention of
alcohol, the teaching assistant began to search the room for
Arkady
as well.

"How about for the grad students?"

"Yeah, you guys, too,
probably."

"Well, all right!" James
clapped his hands together.

"You are aware that the faculty
will get the good stuff – yours will be cheap," the student said.

"Does it matter?"

Arkady
was finally
located. He turned to the sound of his name being called, and recognizing the
table, came over with a glass of champagne for James and one for himself.
Glassy-eyed and excessively loose of limb, it didn't appear to be
Arkady's
first tipple of the evening. He sat down in the
empty seat next to Claudia and excitedly shared an item of departmental gossip.
In general, Claudia didn't like tipsy men, but in this instance, where it might
work to her advantage, it delighted her. She waited impatiently for her
opportunity, and when she saw her other tablemates involved in a discussion
about campus alcohol policy, she leaned over and spoke quietly into
Arkady's
ear.

"Will you step into the other room
with me for a moment?" Her heart was racing. She felt like a character in
a novel, except she had nothing written out to say. She just had to trust that
the words would come to her. Was this crazy? Yes, it was crazy. Thrilling,
though. She felt like she was embarking on a career as a fully emancipated
woman. She was leaving provincial, naïve Claudia behind.

Arkady
glanced over at
her, surprised. "Sure. Is everything okay?"

"Oh, yes. I just need to speak with
you in private." she answered in a low tone, imbuing the last two words
with significance.

Arkady
shrugged, then
addressed the table. "Please excuse us for a moment."

They barely looked up.

Claudia rose on shaky legs and headed
back to the empty lecture hall,
Arkady
following
close behind.

"Yes Claudia? How can I help
you?"
Arkady
asked in his charming accent.
Claudia had taken a seat on one of the folding chairs and he sat near her,
close enough for her to notice tobacco on his breath.

"You know,
Arkady
,
I've been trying to find some way to approach you with something, and I
couldn't come up with any sort of subtle way to do it, so I've decided to be
straight forward. You seem to be a straight forward person."

Arkady
nodded, wishing
he'd brought his glass of champagne with him. One of the undergraduates was
probably drinking it right now.