Unplugged (A Portrait of a Rock Star) (3 page)

The doorbell was ringing.  I opened my eyes and saw that the sun was still shining from the east.  It must have been no more than a half an hour since Mom left, because the sun had barely moved.  Maybe she forgot her key when she left.  Or, maybe it was a trick to make me get out of bed.  The doorbell rang again and again and I guessed that I wouldn’t get any peace unless I let my mother in.  So, I got up and answered the door.

It wasn’t Mom.  It was Mara.  And I was in my boxer’s and I was wearing no shirt, my gut hanging out for toned little Mara to be repulsed by.  “Mara, I thought you were coming on Wednesday.”  My surprise was apparent on my pillow-impressed face.

“It is Wednesday, Tagg.” 

“Wednesday?”  My God, I slept all day yesterday.  “Geez, Mara, I’m not really ready.”

“That’s okay.  I’ll wait.  I’ll be upstairs in the loft.  Go get your clothes on and I’ll meet you in five minutes.”  And as quick as a bunny, she flew up the stairs like an angel with wings.  A beautiful, sweet, sunny, brunette angel. 

What was I thinking?  I haven’t had thoughts like that in a long time.  This was wrong.  I had no right to think good thoughts.  I was a horrible person and therefore evoked misery.  I should just fire Mara as my Personal Trainer.  What the hell did I need a trainer for?  There was no way I was performing again, so there was no reason to get my body back in shape.  Overwrought with sorrow, I was slipping into myself again.  I plopped my ass on the bed and sat staring at the wall. Images of the past crawling back out from the hidden corners of my mind. Inch by inch my body was becoming desensitized; apathetic to the present and all too cognizant of the past.  I could feel nothing but an abyss, the vacuity caused by years of self-vilification. Sinking lower and lower, until I was surrounded by the blackness of my heart.

I’m not sure how long I had been sitting like that before I vaguely heard a panicked voice somewhere behind me.  I knew she was there, but I wouldn’t move.  I couldn’t move.  Her voice became stronger and more alarmed, but still I sat, staring at the wall, until she was suddenly right in front of me, her hands on both of my shoulders.

“What the hell?”  Stupefied, I dazed into her face, which appeared obscure at first.  It took a moment for me to focus.  I was looking at Mara, who was staring at me just as bewildered as I was at her.

“Tagg?  Are you alright?”

“Umm, think so.”  I hesitated a moment.  “Uh, Mara, could we cancel today?  Uh, I’m not feeling too well.”  I didn’t lie.  I really wasn’t feeling well.

“Sure, Tagg.  Can I get you something before I go?  Water, maybe?  I can stay with you if you’d like.”  Empathy was transparent in her tone.  Not sympathy; she wasn’t feeling sorry for me.  No.  She was feeling for me.  As if she could see it wasn’t illness that had taken over, but rather immense heartache.  It was the kind of empathy that only one that had experienced emotional pain could display.

The wall in front of me was still my point of focus, the images coming back into my vision.  I answered Mara by choking out the words, “Ok.”

“Ok, you’d like some water or ok, you’d like me to stay?”

“Stay.”  I wanted to be alone. Yet at that moment I really wanted Mara to stay.  I strained to turn my head and look at her.  I shook my head slightly a couple of times and said, “I’m sorry, Mara.  I get like this often.”

Unphased, Mara softly replied, “It’s easy to slip into yourself when you’re hurting.”

I was dumbfounded.  My body stirred up emotions it hadn’t felt in so many years.  They weren’t sad or dire feelings like I had grown comfortable with.  I was suddenly filled with desire.  I almost didn’t recognize this rare and unexpected emotion.  I wanted to reach out and hug her.  The decade had almost past without hint of hope and now standing before me was what I had believed to be an angel from God.  

But, did God send angels to those who had caused such harrowing tragedy?  Certainly this had to be a trick.  I did not attract goodness; my soul was tainted and therefore I saw myself as a magnet for evil.  This was the thought that brought me back to reality.  I guess I’d paused long enough, because Mara didn’t wait for me to respond to her statement.  I got the impression it was a rhetorical sentiment anyway.  Mara sat down next to me and put her hand on my knee.  She sat there not saying a word, but I was not uneasy about this.  It felt as natural as breathing.

I turned my gaze away from her and looked down at her hand that was still on my knee.  I must have stared at it for five straight minutes before I looked back up into her tender, cocoa eyes.    My thoughts were plenty at the moment, busy thinking about the electric tension nipping at my once anesthetized body.  The nerves inside me felt like live wires competing for the ultimate surge.  However, to try and speak was pointless.   “Thank you, Mara,” was all I could muster.  I wanted to tell her how her mere presence was bringing me back to life.  She needed to know that this once shell of a man, felt almost human again, but I couldn’t bring myself to tell her this.  Not yet.  I barely knew her; we had only met two days ago.  I had spent maybe an hour with her on Monday and barely a few minutes today, yet here she was, resuscitating my heart. 

“Your welcome, Tagg.  The color is returning to your face.  Are you feeling better?” 

“I am.  You know, I don’t need to cancel my session.  I’m good.”  I didn’t want her to leave and if she wasn't training me, what reason could I give to ask her to stay? 

“Well, considering what I just witnessed, I think it’d be best if we avoided any heavy weight-training today.  Why don’t we start by taking a walk?”

A walk with an angel?  Me?  “Sure.  Let me just get dressed.”  Since I still was in my boxer’s and nothing else, it was a good idea to dress before going outside.

“Great.  I’ll wait for you in the living room.”

I couldn’t deny it, I was extremely nervous.  I knew she was just my personal trainer, but there was something about Mara that brightened my mood. 

I swiftly yanked on a pair of gray sweats, a white t-shirt and my ruddy, old sneakers.  I made a mental note to buy a new pair.  The last time I bought anything other than beer or junk food must have been over a year or two ago; I couldn’t remember.  Brushing my teeth, I took a look in the mirror and paused.  Ready or not, my soul was resurfacing and I was going to have to re-enter the world.

“Are you all set, Tagg?”  Mara had put on a pink baseball cap while I was getting dressed.  She looked adorable with her ponytail pulled through the hole in the back of the hat.

“I’m all set.  I have to warn you, I haven’t walked much farther than the distance from the refrigerator to my recliner.  I hope you’re certified in CPR.”  After the scene in my bedroom, I thought Mara deserved an untroubled companion to walk with around the lake. 

Mara gave a big smile as she let out a slight laugh.  “Don’t worry about it, Tagg, you’ll be fine.  And, yes, I am certified in CPR, so feel free to pass out when the whim hits.”

She was funny, too.  I let my hand sweep across her back as I led the way out the door.  Even though the moment was short, the charge that ran up my arm to my heart was fierce; I briefly hoped she had felt it too.   “Why don’t we take a walk on the boardwalk, instead of around the lake?  I’ll drive.”  I opened the passenger side door of my Honduras Maroon ’62 Corvette Convertible for Mara and then closed it for her once she was in.  It felt good to act chivalrous. I drove the few minutes to the boardwalk and parked.  The ride was quiet, but I wasn’t too worried.  Mara seemed comfortable with silence.   Once we reached the boardwalk, I let Mara take the lead.  She was the trainer, after all.   We started off walking at a pretty slow pace.  It was embarrassing to think what she might have thought of my fitness level; I was somewhere over two-hundred pounds.  But, she never outwardly seemed to pass judgment on that. 

“Lake Mohawk is pretty, Tagg.  What made you decide to move up here?  I remember reading that you were a Jersey shore man.”  I could tell Mara was a little nervous, but she was doing a good job at keeping the mood light.

“My heart wasn’t in it anymore.  I had read about Lake Mohawk online.  Moving up to the country seemed alluring, yet I wasn’t quite ready for farmland.  I thought this place was a good compromise.  It has a boardwalk, after all.”  I joked.

Mara gave her big smile with that slight laugh again.  “Somehow, you don’t seem the farmer type.”

“No?  You can’t see me in a pair of overalls?”  My goodness, what was I thinking?  Why would I want her to picture me in a pair of overalls, with my huge gut sticking out?  I was flirting as if I were that lithe, rock and roll guy, still.

Mara was polite;  I hadn’t doubted she would be.  “I think you can be anything you want to be, Tagg.”

“Yeah, well, I don’t know about that.”  Of course I couldn’t just let the mood stay weightless.  I had to bring the heaviness back.  Quick, Tagg, think of something more casual to say before I make her feel uncomfortable.  “I don’t think I can be a woman.” Dumb, but at least it was light.

“Well, technically, if you really wanted to, they do have surgeries for that kind of thing.”  There was that smile, again.  “Tagg, can I ask you a question?”

Her tone was serious.  “You can ask; I’m not sure you’ll get an answer.”

“That’s fair...  What happened at your house before,…that happens often?”

I watched for Mara to look down, avert her eyes in some way, but as we walked, her eyes never left me.  I looked down, however.  “I do tend to fade out from time to time, yes.”

Mara continued to look up at me, while I continued to look down as we strolled.  “You can’t get over her, can you?”

I promptly turned to face Mara.  She was still looking at me, her eyes wide. We stopped walking for a moment.  She must have been surprised by my reaction.  I was caught off guard by her question.  It really has never been about getting over Crystal.  “Why do you ask that?” I said, sounding more annoyed than I had wanted to.

“I just thought that your depression was due to missing your wife.  I’m sorry.”

“What makes you think I’m depressed?”  I really wanted to know.  The tabloids had begun leaving me alone a year after the accident.  No one except my family knew I was depressed.

“I just assumed.”

“Why?”

“I see it in your eyes.  You’re sad.  The eyes don’t lie.”

I closed my eyes briefly, and then started walking.  Mara followed.  “Yeah, I’m sad, but it’s not really because I miss my wife.”

“Oh.”

“What does that mean?  Oh.”  Leave it to me to get defensive.  Mara was not being offensive, yet I had to put up my guard.

“It means nothing, Tagg.  I just thought maybe I was prying too much and I would just end this part of the conversation.”

“It’s okay.  I’m sorry.  I haven’t held a conversation with anyone besides my mother in a long time and even then, she’s the one doing the talking.  I don’t mind the questions, if you don’t mind my reactions.”

“I don’t mind.”

We continued to the end of the boardwalk and turned to head back towards the car.  Mara seemed more careful now in her questioning.  “What were you like when you were younger, Tagg?”

I let out a guttural laugh.  “Trouble.”

“I expected that.”

“You did?  What gave me away?”

“Someone who was able to make it as a huge rock star before the age of twenty had to be some what of a thrill seeker.”

“True, I wasn’t afraid of much.  I guess I have my parents to thank for that.  Besides raising me to be a chronic smart-ass, they also gave me lots of freedom, because of their schedules.  Dad always brought me on tour, so I grew up before I should have.  While he was rehearsing for a show, I’d meander through whatever city we were in.  It wasn’t the conventional childhood, but it was my childhood and it was quite fascinating.  But, yeah, I sought many a thrill as kid.” I turned to look at Mara, who was looking straight ahead as she walked and listened.  It made me smile to see her petite profile.  Her little nose tipped up at the end.  It was one of those noses that was fortunate enough to not have grown a sloping bone at the top.  It was very cute and fit her very well.  “What were you like, Mara?”

“When I was a child?  I was fairly shy.”  I noticed she looked down as she continued her response.  “I didn’t have a dad around, like most of my friends, so I always felt like an outcast.  Mom was great, but she worked so much that I would have to stay at my Uncle Frank’s house more than my own.”

“Where was your Dad?”  I was curious.

“I don’t know.” She shrugged.  “I never knew him.  My mom had me young and I guess he chose to not stick around.  Whenever I’d ask about him, my mother just said he was a young boy who didn’t know any better.  Uncle Frank tried to be like a dad to me, but once my cousin Francis was born, I kind of felt in the way.  They never wanted me to; they definitely treated me like a daughter, but I knew better.  They went on to have five other kids.  I did baby-sit for them eventually.  It was all good.  I just ended up quiet, that’s all.”  Mara looked back up and smiled at me. 

“How did you get into fitness?” This, I really wanted to know.

“Uncle Frank did that.  He was, and still is, a power lifter – one of the best in the world.  He travels the country competing and usually takes first or second place.  It’s pretty cool.  I used to hang out in the gym he had in his garage and watch.  Eventually, I started working out and found I was good at retaining what he had taught me.  So, I studied hard and got my certification.  Before that, I graduated with a degree in Public Relations.