Unplugged (A Portrait of a Rock Star) (7 page)

Mara’s pause was longer this time, so I thought her story was finished.  I had no idea why she had just shared it with me, but I figured I should have sounded somewhat interested.  “Well, how’d you do on the test?”

Mara stared right through me.  “Oh …I never did take that test.”

Okay. “Why not?”

 “Do you know what day it was?”

“Well, according to your story, I’d gathered it was a Tuesday.”  This was getting weird.

“Yes.  It was a Tuesday.” Another sigh. “Actually, it was a beautiful Tuesday morning.  Cool and clear, the weather couldn’t have been more perfect.”

Oh, now I got it.  “So, you must have regretted switching days.  I bet it rained on Thursday, huh?”

“Oh, I regretted it alright, but not because of the weather.” Mara kept taking her time with this.  I really didn’t understand where she was going with this.  “Do you know what Tuesday it was?”  I shook my head no, even though I realized it was probably a rhetorical question.  “It was Tuesday, September 11, 2001.  Do you know where my Bradley worked?”  Again, I shook my head, only this time a chill ran up my spine.  She nodded her head, “Yes …he worked on the seventy-third floor of the North Tower.  He died that day.

Silence.  Deafening silence.

So, Mara did know what it felt like to indirectly be the cause of someone else’s death.  Now I had understood why she was agreeing with my blaming Crystal’s death on my bad decision.  Oh, I know Mara was not breaking any ten commandments by committing adultery, but she did inadvertently make the wrong decision.  If she hadn’t panicked about her test, they would have been on their way to the Jersey Shore when the World Trade Center was attacked.  Instead, Mara had to live with the guilt of sending her husband to work …on the absolute worse day possible.

“Mara …I’m so, so sorry.”  I was just staring at her.  Her mouth was pinched in a straight line and her chocolate eyes were melting.  “I’m so sorry …for Brad, for you …and I’m so sorry that I ever accused you of not comprehending the utter pain that I’ve been suffering.  You do know how much it hurts …intimately.”

Mara swallowed; I could actually hear the lump in her throat.  “Thank you,” was all she could force out.  We stared at each other a while.  I had intended to tell her my secret today, but that would undermine her agony.  I would not do that to her.  I simply smiled at her.  “I’m glad I met you.”

Mara smiled, through her tears, back at me.  “I’m glad I met you, too.”  We stared a while longer.  If we had been sitting closer to each other, I think I would have leaned in and kissed her.  But, the coffee table was between us and it would have been awkward to lean across the table to kiss her.  I probably would have spilled our coffee.  I could have walked around the table to kiss her, but that would have seemed premeditated instead of spontaneous.  It just didn’t seem like the time.  After what began to be an uncomfortable few minutes, Mara stood up and took our mugs.  “Would you like another cup of coffee?”

“Sure.” I wasn’t ready to leave, so another cup of coffee would temporarily keep that from happening.  This time I followed Mara into the kitchen.  I leaned against the counter while she made my coffee. She had one of those single-serve Keurig coffee machines that my mom had at her house in Franklin Lakes.  I had always intended to get one of those.  “Mara …I’d like to ask you something.”

“Sure, Tagg, what would you like to ask me?”

Her eyes seemed so much brighter than they did a few minutes ago; I didn’t have the heart to bring her down again, so I just said, “Never mind.”

Mara continued preparing our mugs of coffee, but she took a double-take of me and stopped pouring the milk.  “Tagg, what is it?  You can ask me anything.  You know, I shared my story with you in an attempt to help you.”  She covered my hands with her tiny ones.  “I saw how much you were suffering and I really wanted to help ease your sorrow.”

“How do you do it, Mara?  How do you forget?”  The words came rushing out.

“Oh, Tagg… I’m not sure you ever forget.  I mean how could you?  You probably replay the events in your head over and over trying to change the course of them.  Asking ‘what if?’ every time.  No, I think it’s impossible to really forget.”  There was a slight hesitation.  “But, you can forgive.  You really need to find a way to forgive yourself for being the catalyst to such a horrendous tragedy.  It’s not going to be easy; nothing worth anything ever is.  But once you forgive what you’ve done, you can begin moving forward.”

My eyes were dry, but my body was numb.  Could I ever forgive myself?  I didn’t think so.  I leaned back against the counter, both my hands cupped around its edge behind me, and turned my gaze up toward the ceiling.  I swallowed a huge lump in my throat and tried to let the images of my deceit disappear.  The enormity of what I’d done was too massive to ever be able to forgive myself.  It was hopeless.  And, if I could not be forgiven, albeit I would have to be both the forgiver and the forgivee, I could not allow this relationship with Mara to ever be more than a friendship.  She deserved a better man.

“Tagg …” Mara placed my coffee on the counter behind me and took my right hand.  She squeezed it as she gently spoke to me.  “The first step in healing is recognizing that you need to forgive what you’ve done.  It won’t be easy, but I’m sure you’ve never even considered it.  Maybe, you can think about it at least.  Baby steps, Tagg.” Her milk chocolate eyes met my gloomy blue ones and I could have sworn I saw a spark in her eyes.  Could I ever truly be worthy of an angel’s love?

No longer was my left hand on the counter behind me; I found myself timidly positioning it on Mara’s waist.  She continued her gaze into my eyes, but mine fell onto her lips.  Before I could contemplate if it was a good idea or not, I moved in closer and tenderly pressed my lips to hers.  Her lips were soft and sweet and warm.  Incredibly, she was kissing me back. I could taste cinnamon, just like her scent.  My heart filled with a warmth that I did not recognize; a feeling of home, of somewhere I finally felt that I belonged.  Both my hands were now engaged on her lower back and I was holding her so close I could feel her blood racing through her veins.  I couldn’t tell whose heart was pounding faster – her’s or mine.  I knew she was just as enthralled with our kiss as I was; that’s why it was so bewildering to feel her pushing me away. 

“Tagg…” Mara stumbled on her words.  “I’m sorry …I …uh.”

“I’m sorry, Mara.  I shouldn’t have done that.”  I struggled to say something to hide my humiliation.  “You must have some rules about dating your clients.  I’m sorry.”

“No Tagg, that’s not it.  I just think you’re vulnerable right now and…”

“And, you don’t want to take advantage of me?” My chuckle was strained, but I was trying to salvage any pride I might have had left.

Mara smiled, just slightly, “No, I was…” Mara looked down at the floor.  “I was just protecting myself.”

“Ah.  I don’t blame you.  I’m an immoral monster.  I’d protect you from me, also. I…”

Mara abruptly interrupted me. “No! Tagg, that is not it at all. You have to believe me.  I just don’t… you have been lonely for so long; I’m afraid that you may be misinterpreting your feelings.  I just don’t want to be your rebound person.  I’m not even sure if I’m ready… it’s been so long.  I…”

I reached my fingertips to her mouth. “Shh. Mara, it’s okay.  I understand.  I’m sorry I kissed you.”

“Well, I’m not sorry you did.”  Mara’s face and neck turned a beautiful crimson before she looked down again.  “Tagg, why don’t we take our coffee outside?  We can sit on the porch.”

I took her hand and we headed out to her front porch where we sat on a small, white wicker loveseat.  We were still for a while, just taking in the vast, green lawn that swaddled the land in front of Mara’s house; it was so different from the midnight water that rippled in front of mine.  “Tagg, why don’t you want to bring Holland back?”

Mara’s question took me be surprise, but I looked her right in the eyes.  “I don’t want to be like that anymore.  I don’t want to live that life anymore.  I didn’t like who I was back then and I’m just completely done with that version of me.”

“You didn’t like singing?”

“Oh, I loved singing.  I loved being in touch with my music.  I just didn’t like the type of things that went along with it.”

“You can’t have one without the other?  I find that hard to believe.”

“I don’t know Mara.  I just don’t want to live there anymore.”

Mara wasn’t going to let this go.  “Don’t you see, Tagg?  You live there everyday.  You haven’t moved away from that life; you live there in your mind day after day.  Until you get back up there, back on stage and doing what you love to do, it’s always going to haunt you.  I know it’s a cliché, but you have to get back on the horse in order to get over the fall.”

Was Mara my personal trainer or my therapist?  “I don’t know Mara.  I guess I am afraid.  I don’t think very highly of myself and I just can’t see how I can make it work this time.  I’m not that same cocky twenty-something kid who thought he could hang the moon; I’m old and I’m scared.”

“Well, who isn’t anymore?”  Mara squeezed my thigh right above my knee.  What did I do to merit this friendship?  I do not know. “What made you get into music in the first place?”

I shrugged.  Was it my Dad’s influence? Bruce Springsteen’s? “I just always loved music, I guess.  It…makes me feel…” I thought about what I was saying. I shook my head.  “It’s complicated. Music.” Mara just stared at me with her big, brown eyes. “it…” I inhaled. “Music hurts. It adds salt to our wounds. It can mend and heal, yes, but it can cut like a knife.  It can send us back in time…or help propel us forward.  It is the catalyst to the heart’s emotions, the harmony in our souls.” I exhaled. “For me, it’s been the salt. The knife in my heart. Bringing back every bad emotion associated with it.  That’s why I haven’t picked up an instrument…or turned on the radio…in all these years.”

After a long pause, Mara interjected.  “You gotta move forward though.  Get past this. Why don’t you try getting together with Ronnie and the other guys from your band?  Jam with them again. Give it a shot…  tell them you’re not sure of your decision yet, but you’d at least like to play with them again, unofficially.  Then… you can see where the music takes you.”

She said the last sentence as light as air, as if it were as simple as following the music.  But how could I know if the devastation dwelled within my music.  Could I even perform my old songs with the mirthfulness in which they were intended?  Would the sunken man I’ve become unveil himself through my voice?  It was not as easy as Mara made it sound.  But was it worth the try?  “I don’t know.”  I looked her right in her delicious eyes. “I’ll think about it.”

“Good.  Now, since we missed our session today, why don’t you take my Spin class tonight?  It’s a good crowd, and I’m sure you have nothing better to do.”

“Thanks a lot.”  I did say this in humorous tone, no sarcasm.  I took her comment with the light-heartedness in which she meant it.  “I don’t know if I’m ready.”

“Sure you are.  In a short amount of time, you’re already running three miles.  Most of the members taking the class don’t even do that.  You will definitely be able to keep up.  C’mon.  It’ll be fun.”

“What time?”

Mara had a smug smile on her tiny face.  “Seven.  You know the gym, right?”

“Yes.”

“Great.”

What did I just agree to?  “By the way, Mara, if I do this tonight, can you do something for me?”

“Of course I can.”  Mara was always so agreeable.

“Come shopping with me tomorrow?  I’m in desperate need of clothes that fit me and I hate shopping.”  I gave her my sad puppy dog eyes.  Well, I tried anyway.  I haven’t given that look since I was about eight and I wanted my mom to buy me a new Mongoose.

Mara grinned.  “Sure, I’d love to come with you.”

“Okay, well then I guess it’s off to spin class in a few hours.  I better go home and take a nap.”

“You crack me up, Tagg.  You don’t need a nap.”

“Sure, easy for you to say.  You’re not near your forties yet.”

“So, what’s your point?”

***

Spin class was, well, different.  I’ve never experienced anything like it before in my life - a bunch of people, pumping ferociously to get absolutely nowhere.  It was the most monotonous yet adrenaline-inducing hour of my life.  Well, I am exaggerating just a bit; the past seven years were probably my most droning hours, but you get my drift.  I wasn’t sure yet if I enjoyed Spinning or not.  On one hand, wouldn’t riding a bicycle outside be much more interesting?  But, in Spin class, Mara actually choreographed the ride.  It was amazing, really, what she did up there on the bike.  She chose the most invigorating and motivational music; songs that not only drove us to pump up our workout, but allowed us to delve into the deepest crevices of our mind to tune in with our physical bodies.  We ran hills and climbed mountains.  We jumped over boulders and cooled down striding around some beautiful lakes.  Mara had us do this all from the ‘comfort’ of our own stationary Spin cycles.  Mara was an extraordinary instructor and taking her class had helped me to build yet another layer of awe and respect for her.

Of course Mara had used one of my old songs during her class, which totally threw me.  Naturally, everyone turned to see my expression.  I just nodded agreeably, closed my eyes and pedaled harder.  I hadn’t heard any of my songs out in public for many years.  It was rather disturbing at first; my heart began racing even faster than the Spinning had taken it.  But, by the end of the song, I let my body fall into the rhythm of my 1993 hit and it actually felt good.  I really did miss my music and I was beginning to wonder if my recent introvertedness was actually doing a disservice to my psyche.  Once again, inadvertently, Mara was asking me to search deep inside myself for answers.