Unseen Academicals (44 page)

‘That
is
enough,’ said Glenda, tugging the girl away for her own good.

‘He’s an orc?’ the girl said.

‘So everyone says,’ said Glenda.

‘Were they all like that? I thought it was all about twisting heads off?’

‘Well, I suspect people get bored with the same old thing.’

‘But how does he know all about spoons?’

‘Believe me, if anyone has ever written
Great Spoons of the World
, Mister Nutt has read it.’

Trev heard the girl’s plaintive voice as Glenda almost forcibly led her away, or at least away from Nutt. ‘I really wanted to talk to Jewels,’ Trev heard the girl say, as she walked past Juliet without a glance. ‘But she’s hiding out, everyone says.’

He hurried across and pulled the other two in a huddle towards him. ‘There’s gonna be murder tomorrow,’ he said. ‘The wizards can’t use magic and Ankh-Morpork United is gonna be made up out of the toughest, nastiest bunch of buggers that’re outside of the Tanty.’

‘We shall have to change our tactics to suit, then,’ said Nutt.

‘Are you nu—insane? I’m talkin’ about people like Andy, Nutt. An’ he might not be the worst one.’

‘But everything is a matter of tactics. A respect for strengths and weaknesses and the proper utilization of the knowledge,’ said Nutt.

‘Listen!’ said Trev. ‘There won’t be time for that sort of thing.’

‘If I may quote—’ Nutt began.

‘I said listen! Do you know any quotes by people who have been knifed in the back an’ then kicked in the nu—’ He stopped and then continued. ‘Kicked when they’re lyin’ on the ground, yes? Because that’s what you need to be thinkin’ about at the moment.’

‘The Watch will be there,’ said Nutt.

‘But generally their way of dealing with a complicated event is to get everyone lyin’ on the ground,’ said Trev. ‘That makes it simpler.’

‘I feel certain that we could beat any team at football,’ said Nutt soothingly.

Trev looked around him in a desperate search for anyone who might have a grip. ‘It doesn’t work like that! It’s not about the football!’

‘I don’t think I want to see anyone hurt,’ said Juliet.

‘Then you’ll have to close your eyes,’ said Trev. ‘Nutt, you think that everythin’ is going to be nice and sportsmanlike ’cos that’s how the new football has been designed, but it’s the same old people out there. You know what I think?’

‘My dad says it won’t look very good for Vetinari if the Academicals lose,’ said Juliet.

‘An’ will he be glad about that?’ said Trev.

‘Well, I suppose, yes, but even Dad says prob’ly better to have bloody Vetinari than most of the buggers we’ve had.’

That was because the city
worked
, thought Trev. It had been a mess before Vetinari had taken over and no one knew exactly how he’d done it. He’d got the Watch working properly. He’d got the war between the dwarfs and the trolls sorted out. He let people do whatever they liked, provided they did whatever
he
liked. And above all, the city was crammed with people and money. Everyone wanted to live in Ankh-Morpork. Could he really be shaken down because the new football went bad? Well, the answer was, of course, yes–because that’s how people were.

Trev mentioned this to Glenda as she came back from ushering the bemused Roz out of the range of more of Nutt’s philosophy. She looked at Trev and said, ‘Do you think Vetinari knows about this?’

‘Dunno,’ said Trev. ‘Well, I know he’s s’posed to have lots of spies, but I dunno whether they’d know about this.’

‘Do you think someone ought to tell him?’ said Glenda.

Trev laughed. ‘What are you suggestin’? That we go over to the palace, walk right up to him and say, “Excuse us, mister, there are a few things that have escaped your attention?”’

‘Yes,’ said Glenda.

‘Thank you, Drumknott, that will be all for now,’ said Vetinari.

‘Yes, sir,’ said Drumknott. He nodded at Lady Margolotta and oiled his way noiselessly out of the room.

‘Havelock, I appreciate that Drumknott is very competent, but he always seems to me to be a rather strange little man.’

‘Well, it would be a funny old world if we were all alike, madam, although I admit not very funny if we were all like Drumknott. But he is loyal and excessively trustworthy,’ said Vetinari.

‘Hmm,’ said her ladyship. ‘Does he have much of a personal life?’

‘I believe that he collects different types of stationery,’ said Vetinari. ‘I have sometimes speculated that he might change his life for the better should he meet a young lady willing to dress up as a manila envelope.’

They were on the balcony outside the Oblong Office, which offered a perfect view of the centre of the city while leaving the viewer almost invisible.

‘The accord is going ahead?’ said Vetinari.

‘Certainly,’ said her ladyship. ‘Peace at last between dwarfs and trolls.’

Vetinari smiled. ‘The word “peace” is generally defined as a period of rest and rearmament before the next war. Were many assassinations necessary?’

‘Havelock, sometimes you are too direct!’

‘I do beg your pardon, it’s just that the progress of history requires butchers as well as shepherds.’

‘There were no assassinations,’ said her ladyship. She turned her eyes upwards. ‘There was, however, a terrible mining accident and a rather unusual rock slide. But, of course, there is still the Loko business to sort out. The dwarfs still want total extermination.’

‘How many orcs are there?’

‘Nobody knows. Perhaps Nutt will be able to find them.’

‘We must not have genocide,’ said Vetinari. ‘History has a way of repaying.’

‘He is turning out to be quite a surprise.’

‘So I understand. From the reports I have been receiving, all that the orcs were not, he is.’

‘But he will remain an orc underneath it all,’ said her ladyship.

‘I wonder what remains under all of us?’ said Vetinari.

‘You’ve taken a very big risk, you know,’ said Lady Margolotta.

‘Madam, this city is all risk, I assure you.’

‘And power is a game of smoke and mirrors,’ said her ladyship, reaching for the wine.

‘Oddly enough, Commander Vimes reminds me of that nearly every day. No civil police force could hold out against an irate and resolute population. The trick is not to let them realize that. Yes?’

There was a knock at the door. It was Drumknott again. ‘I am sorry to interrupt, sir, madam, but in the circumstances I thought it would be a good idea.’ He sniffed. ‘It’s the lady with the pies.’

‘Ah, Miss Sugarbean, legendary inventor of the famous Ploughman’s Pie,’ said Vetinari. He glanced at her ladyship. ‘And Mister Nutt’s friend.’

‘I have met her, Havelock. She harangued me.’

‘Yes, she does it very well. You feel as if you’ve had a nice cold bath. Do show her in, Drumknott.’

‘And there is a young man with her. I recognize him as Trevor Likely, son of the famous footballer Dave Likely, and I am informed by her that she has indeed brought you a Ploughman’s Pie.’

‘You would take untested food from a member of the public?’ said her ladyship, horrified.

‘Certainly from this one,’ said Vetinari. ‘There is no possible way that she would ever put poison in anything. Not out of respect for me, you understand, but out of respect for the food. Don’t leave. I think you will find this…interesting.’

The pie was still warm in Glenda’s hands as she stepped into the Oblong Office. She herself almost froze at the sight of Lady Margolotta, but a certain robustness kicked in.

‘Do I have to curtsy?’ she said.

‘Not unless you really feel the need.’

‘We’ve come to warn you,’ said Trev.

‘Indeed.’ Vetinari raised an eyebrow.

‘Ankh-Morpork United will walk all over Unseen Academicals with great big boots on.’

‘Oh, dear. Do you think that will be the case?’

‘They’re not yer average players!’ Trev blurted out. ‘They’re from the Shove. They go armed.’

‘Ah, yes. Football as warfare,’ said Vetinari. ‘Well, thank you for telling me.’

Silence fell. Vetinari broke it by saying, ‘Was there anything else you would like to say?’ He looked at the pie that Glenda was holding out in front of her like some kind of chastity device.

‘Can’t you do something?’ she said.

‘It’s a game, Miss Sugarbean. Having suggested the match in the first place, what do you think I would look like if I intervened? There will, after all, be rules. There will, after all, be a referee.’

‘They won’t care,’ said Trev.

‘Then I suppose the Watch will have to do its duty. And now, if you will excuse me, I have affairs of state to attend to, but please leave the pie.’

‘One moment,’ said her ladyship. ‘Why have you come to warn his lordship, young lady?’

‘Isn’t that the sort of thing I ought to do?’ said Glenda.

‘And you walked in, just like that?’

‘Well, the pie helped.’

‘We have met before, you know,’ said her ladyship.

She stared at Glenda and Glenda stared back, and she finally managed, ‘Yes, I know, and I’m not frightened and I’m not sorry.’

The battle of the stares went on for a year too long and then Lady Margolotta turned her head away sharply and said, ‘Well, you have got one of them right, but I am sure I shall enjoy the pie and also the match.’

‘Yes, yes,’ said Vetinari. ‘Thank you both for calling, but if you will excuse us we do have matters of state to discuss.’

‘Well!’ said Lady Margolotta as the door shut behind them. ‘What type of people are you incubating in this city of yours, Havelock?’

‘I imagine some of the very best,’ said Vetinari.

‘Two common people can barge in on you without so much as an appointment?’

‘But with a pie,’ said Vetinari quickly.

‘You were expecting them?’

‘Let us just say that I was not unduly surprised,’ said Vetinari. ‘I certainly know about the make-up of Ankh-Morpork United. So does the Watch.’

‘And you are going to let them into an arena with a bunch of old wizards who have promised not to do magic?’

‘A bunch of old wizards and Mister Nutt,’ said Vetinari cheerfully. ‘Apparently he’s very good at tactical planning.’

‘I can’t allow that.’

‘This is my city, Margolotta. There are no slaves in Ankh-Morpork.’

‘He is my ward. I expect you will ignore that, though.’

‘I have every intention of doing so. After all, it’s only a game.’

‘But a game is not about games. And what sort of game do you think you will get tomorrow?’

‘A war,’ said Vetinari. ‘And the thing about war is that it’s about war.’

Lady Margolotta shot out her long sleeve and a fine steel dagger was suddenly in her hand.

‘I suggest you cut it in half,’ said Vetinari, indicating the pie, ‘and I will choose which half to pick up.’

‘But what if one half has more pickled onions than the other?’

‘Then I think that will be open to negotiation. Would you like some more…wine?’

‘Did you see that she tried to stare me down?’ said Margolotta.

‘Yes,’ said Vetinari. ‘I saw that she succeeded.’

When Glenda and Trev got back to the Hippo, Nutt looked at them expectantly. ‘He hardly listened,’ said Trev.

‘Quite so,’ said Nutt. ‘I am confident of our success on the morrow. I am quite certain that we will be tactically supreme.’

‘I’m just glad I won’t be playin’, that’s all,’ said Trev.

‘Yes, Mister Trev, that really is a great shame.’

From the nearby table where last-minute adjustments were being made by the Football League came the voice of somebody saying, ‘Nah, nah. Look, you’ve still got it wrong. If a bloke from side B is closer to the goalkeeper–no, I tell a lie–if he’s closer to the goal than the goalkeeper, then he surely puts one away there and then. Stands to reason.’

There was a sigh that could only have come from Ponder Stibbons. ‘No, I don’t think you understand…’

Another voice chipped in. ‘If the goalkeeper is that far out of his goal then he’s a pillock!’

‘Look, let’s start again,’ said another voice. ‘Supposing I’m this bloke here.’ Trev looked across and saw one of the men flick a screwed-up piece of paper across the table. ‘Like, I’ve kicked the ball that far and this is me, this piece of paper. Then what?’ He flicked the paper once again, which hit Ponder’s pencil.

‘No! I’ve already explained that. And stop flicking bits of paper around, I find it very confusing.’

‘But it must work if he dribbles on it,’ said a voice.

‘Hold on a minute, though,’ said yet another voice. ‘What happens, right, if you get the ball in your own half of the field and run all the way, not passing it to anyone else, and get it into the net?’

‘That would be perfectly legal,’ said Ponder.

‘Yeah, but there’s no way that’s goin’ to happen, is there?’ said the man who had just flicked a soggy piece of paper and had enjoyed it so much that he’d flicked another one.

‘But if he tries and succeeds it would be magnificent football, would it not?’ said Ponder.

‘Where’s our team?’ said Trev, looking around.

‘I’ve suggested they have an early night,’ said Ponder.

‘An early night for wizards is two o’clock in the morning,’ said Glenda.

‘I have also given instructions that the team are to have a special meal this evening,’ said Nutt. ‘On that note, Miss Glenda, I shall have to ask you to lock the Night Kitchen.’

Stony silence hung over the dining room that evening.

‘I don’t eat salads,’ said Bledlow Nobbs (no relation). ‘They gives me the wind.’

‘How can a man live without pasta?’ said Bengo. ‘This is barbaric!’

‘I hope you notice that my plate is as barren as yours, gentlemen,’ said Ridcully. ‘Mister Nutt is training us and I’m allowing Mister Nutt the driver’s seat. Nor is there to be any smoking this evening.’

There was a chorus of dismay and he raised his hand for silence.
‘Also, his instruction here…’ He looked closer at Nutt’s rather untidy writing and gave a little smile. ‘There is to be no sexual congress.’ This did not meet with the reaction he had expected.

‘That means talking about it, doesn’t it?’ said the Chair of Indefinite Studies.