“All of this has to do with you and me!” I throw my arms around. “You kept this from me!”
“How was I supposed to tell you?
By the way, Daisy, I’m taking out the men who raped and murdered my childhood sweetheart—the men who did this to me and left me for dead!
” He slams a hand against his scarred chest. “That getting my revenge is the only thing that’s kept me breathing for the last seven years!” He breaks off, panting, his eyes wild and wide on me.
The worst thing is…I get it.
I get why he’s done what he’s done. If they’d done that to me or Cece or Jesse—what they’d done to him and Haley—I’d want to kill them, too.
But that doesn’t mean I would. I would let the law do its job.
“Why kill them? Why not turn them over to the police?”
He barks out a laugh, but there’s not a shred of humor in it. He steps back, leaning against the wall, and folds his arms over his chest, staring straight ahead at the wall that is covered with the news cuttings and pictures of Haley.
“Because the police don’t do shit. I gave them descriptions. The best I could. They put out photofits on the news. Canvased the area. Brought in a few suspects. Never the right ones though. Time passed. Interest in the case dwindled.
“So, I decided to do something about it myself. It was the least I could do for Haley and her family. She died because I took her in there that night. So, I was going to do the only thing I could. Wipe those three pieces of scum from the earth. It took me a long time to find them. But when I did…” Pained eyes come over to me.
“When I killed Foster…I threw up afterward.” He lets out a sad-sounding, derogatory laugh. “But I also felt good. Like I was finally doing something right for Haley. Killing Betts…I wouldn’t say it was easier, but to know I was ridding the world of those motherfuckers felt good. But Doyle…he’s the one I want more than anything. He was the driving force in what happened that night.”
“He’s the one who raped Haley first? The one who thanked you for letting him…it was him who stabbed you over and over?”
He nods slowly. “I just need to kill him…and then everything will be right.”
I feel like he’s not even talking to me right now.
“I kill Doyle, and I’ll have paid my debt back to Haley.”
I take a tentative step toward him. “Haley wouldn’t have wanted you to do this.”
He looks at me, and the pain in his expression cuts right through me. “I owe her, Daisy.” He looks away from me and to her picture. Tenderness spreads through his expression. “She was mine to protect, and I failed her. I won’t fail her again. I will kill Doyle. I’ll get my revenge for her…if it’s the last thing I do.”
Something inside me breaks.
Watching him stare at her picture, I feel like a voyeur. And I realize in this moment that whatever Kas feels for me will never be anything compared to what he felt for Haley…still feels for her.
I can’t even be jealous because she deserved to be loved. And, after what he lived through, he deserves his revenge.
But I can’t be a party to it. I have too much to lose.
“I understand your need for revenge, Kas. For what he did to you and Haley—”
“And you.” His eyes snap to mine, anger flaring in them. “He put you in prison. He stole eighteen months of your life. Because of him, you lost Jesse. This isn’t just about Haley anymore, Daisy. It’s about you, too.”
My heart constricts painfully.
I take a step toward him. “I don’t want you to do anything for me. I made my peace with what had happened to me a long time ago.”
But I do want that bastard to die for what he did to Kas. I just don’t want Kas to be the one to do it. Kas has endured and suffered enough. More than anyone ever should. I don’t want him to suffer anymore. I want him to be free of this.
“I don’t want you to go after Damien. I want you to stay here with me. I want you safe.” I wrap my arms around myself. “I understand your need to do this, but I can’t be a part of it. I won’t stand in your way, and I won’t ask you to choose.
But
”—I pull in a strengthening breath—“if you keep on your path of revenge, then…this is where we end. I can’t risk Jesse. I love you. I honestly do. But I love Jesse more. He will always come first. I have to protect myself to protect him. I need him back home with me, and I can’t…I
won’t
let anything jeopardize that. I’ll keep your secret. You can trust me on that. But I can’t be here anymore. I can’t be with you.”
“Jesus.” He squeezes his eyes closed, tipping his head back.
He stays that way for what seems like forever when, in reality, it’s seconds. Jaw clenched, eyes tightly shut, his body is so still that I’m not even sure if he’s breathing right now.
Please, Kas. Don’t go after him. Let it go. Stay with me.
He exhales a breath that sounds a lot like a decision made. And I watch as he opens his eyes and lowers them to mine. I read his answer there, and my heart sinks.
“I never should have started anything with you. I knew it was wrong. I’m sorry—”
I cut him off with my hand. “Don’t…”
His eyes stare at the floor. “I have to finish what I started…what
they
had started seven years ago. I have to put Doyle in the ground for what he did. I’m sorry, Daisy.”
He looks back up to me, and the apology in his eyes guts me.
And that’s when it hits me.
This is it.
Kas and I are over.
Over before we really got a chance to begin.
Pain, the likes of nothing I’ve ever felt before, lances through me.
If I had ever questioned how much Kas meant to me, I just got my answer.
More than I knew possible.
“Okay.” I blow out a fortifying breath, holding myself together when all I want to do is fall apart. “I guess there’s nothing left to say. Except for…good-bye.”
His eyes flicker with regret. “Good-bye, Daisy.”
Those softly spoken words splinter my heart, gutting me.
Putting steel in my back, I curl my fingers into my palms until my nails bite into my skin. I start to walk away.
As I pass him, I breathe him in, and the scent of him is almost enough to stop me in my tracks.
Almost
but not quite enough. Because there’s someone out there who needs me more.
“Daisy…”
Kas’s voice touches my back, and it’s agony, stopping me in my tracks. Misery lodges in my throat.
I suck in a breath, closing my eyes.
It takes an age before I find the strength to turn back to him, and when I do, he’s still leaning against the wall, not looking at me, eyes on the ground, his arms wrapped around himself.
Summoning his own strength, he turns my way and lifts his eyes to mine, and for the first time, I see Kas.
The real Kas.
He’s wide open and bleeding for me.
God, it hurts. It hurts so fucking much.
Tears fill my eyes. I bite my lip to keep the pain in.
“I’m sorry I couldn’t be a better man for you. The man you deserve.” His voice is rough with emotion.
And the tears spill down over my cheeks.
I know they affect him. I see his hand flex, like he wants to reach out and touch me. But he stays where he is.
“I don’t think I’m capable of love anymore,” he speaks softly. “I haven’t been for a long time. But I do know what I feel for you, and it’s…”
He gently shakes his head, his eyes briefly looking away before coming back to me. I see the shine in them, and it makes me cry harder.
“What I feel for you is debilitating and terrifying and exhilarating…and the best thing to ever happen to me.
You
are the best thing to ever happen to me. And, if you only ever believe one thing I’ve told you, then believe this; if I could love someone, then it would be you, Daisy. A million times over, it would be you.”
Th
irty-Eight
“If I could love someone, then it would be you, Daisy. A million times over, it would be you.”
Those words have been on repeat in my head all day.
I tip my head against the window, the vibration of the train running on the tracks beating against my head, as Kelly Clarkson sings “Beautiful Disaster” in my ears.
After that night when I walked away from Kas, he didn’t come after me. He offered to drive me home, but the pain and confusion and atmosphere between us was bad enough, and I couldn’t endure a car ride home with him. So, he called me a taxi.
I’ll still have to see him in a handful of hours. Even though I might not be able to have a relationship with Kas, I still need my job. It’s one of the things that ensures I’ll get Jesse back.
When I got home, I let myself quietly into our apartment. I got in bed and spent the rest of the night staring at my darkened ceiling.
I got up early and went for a run.
When I got back, Cece was up. She was surprised to see me, as she’d thought I was at Kas’s. I told her that Kas and I weren’t going to work out.
Then, I surprised myself by bursting into tears.
Of course, I couldn’t tell her the real reason. So, I just told her that he wasn’t right for me.
I knew she knew there was more to it, but she didn’t push. She was just awesome, like always. She hugged me and then told me it was girls’ night tonight—takeout, wine, and a chick flick.
I dreaded going to work and having to see him. But I put my big-girl panties on and went to work.
He wasn’t there.
His car was gone.
And then I started to get worried. Worried that he’d gone after Damien.
I broke down and called him. I got his voice mail, which only made me feel worse. I didn’t bother leaving a message.
What could I say?
Please don’t kill him
.
I did text him later in the day, just asking him to let me know he was okay.
So far, I haven’t heard back.
I’m scared for Kas.
And you know what? The scariest thing is that I don’t care that a man is soon going to lose his life. Or that Kas has taken the life of two other men. Because they deserved it. Damien deserves it.
And if thinking that makes me a bad person, then so be it.
Those bastards raped and murdered a seventeen-year-old girl. They forced Kas to watch that brutality, and then they stabbed him and left him for dead.
When I think of Kas killing them, I can’t feel anything but justice for Haley.
And Damien put me in prison for eighteen months. I’m not a girl out for revenge, but I can’t help but feel it right now.
I know some people would say,
Turn him over to the police
. But slippery fuckers like Damien always manage to get away.
And, honestly, jail wouldn’t be enough of a punishment for him. Trust me, I’ve spent time inside, and the punishment Damien deserves for what he did on that night seven years ago isn’t sitting pretty in a jail cell. He deserves to suffer.
An eye for an eye and all that.
Kas lost everything because of Damien. I lost everything because of Damien.
I guess we’ll always be tied in that way.
So, between compulsively checking the news for reports of a murder—or worse, of Kas being hurt—I’ve been aching over losing him.
My day has been a complete mindfuck.
I just need to hear from Kas. I need to know he’s okay.
My phone vibrates on the table in front of me. My eyes flash to it, heart racing, hoping it’s Kas. I deflate when I see it’s Anne calling, which shows how bad things are, but then my heart picks back up when I realize that it’s
Anne
calling.
Jesse
.
I yank the earphones from my ears and connect the call. “Hello?” I rush out, worry prickling me, as it always does when it comes to Jesse.
“Hi, Daisy. It’s Anne.” Her voice sounds upbeat, which relaxes me some.
“Hi,” I say.
“I’m not interrupting anything, am I?” she asks.
“No, not at all.”
Well, aside from me sitting here, obsessing over the fact that
the man I’m in love with is out for revenge and will soon kill the man who ruined his life. Other than that, no, you’re not interrupting anything.
“I’m just on the train on my way home from work.”
“Oh, good. Well, I have some news…some good news.”
That makes me sit up straighter. “Good news?”
“Yes. I’ve been talking with my superior, and we’ve been looking at Jesse’s progress since your release. It’s all been positive. Especially since your visits began. He’s doing better in school, he’s actively seeking to partake in activities, and his overall attitude is better. He seems happy.”
That makes me glow, knowing that Jesse is happy because of me.
“And I talked with your probation officer, Toby, and he has nothing but positive things to say, as does your employer.”
“Kas?” I breathe his name.
“Yes, Kastor Matis. Lovely man. He had wonderful things to say about you. That you’re a hard worker. You’re always on time. He said it’s clear to him that your sole focus is on rebuilding your life and getting Jesse back living with you.”
Tears spring to my eyes. I bite my lip.
“When did you speak to Kas?” I fight to keep my voice normal. I need to know if she’s spoken to him since he went off the grid.
“Oh, it was the day before yesterday. Why?”
My hope sinks. “Oh, he never mentioned it, is all.” I try to brush off my curiosity, worrying that I might have tipped her off to the fact that Kas and I were once more than just employer and employee.
“Oh, right,” she says with a casualness that puts me at ease. “Anyway, we would normally wait a little longer before allowing this, but I don’t think that’s necessary in this case. I think, if anything, it will benefit Jesse more. And I’ve spoken to Jesse, and he was more than eager for it to begin.”
“For what to begin?”
“Overnight visits. We’re going to allow you to have weekend access with Jesse. He can come to you on Saturday mornings. Stay over Saturday nights, and then you return him back on Sundays by teatime. I will, of course, need to come and do a check of your home to make sure everything is up to a satisfactory condition for him, but I can’t see there being a problem from what I remember of your place the last time I was there.”