“Honestly? A little scary. This is the first time I’ve gone out with anyone since the accident and divorce, and I’m not ready to commit to anyone. I don’t know that I’ll ever be ready. Going with you tonight was a huge step for me.”
Eric reached for her hand and squeezed it. “I’m sorry to pressure you, Jessi. That wasn’t my intent. I truly am thankful for your friendship. I have missed you all these years. You were a bright spot in my days. I enjoyed talking with you. It’s not often you meet someone who is just who they are no matter who they are around. I didn’t feel the need to be anything but myself with you. I just miss your company. No strings attached.” Eric couldn’t help smirking and adding, “Although, if you ever change your mind, you know where to find me.”
Jessi pushed her plate away, completely stuffed. The waiter appeared with the dessert menu, and Jessi just groaned. “You would have to carry me out of here on a gurney if I took another bite.”
“I guess that means no. But thank you.” Eric paid the bill and took Jessi’s hand to help her to her feet.
“It was wonderful. Thank you.” Jessi couldn’t help but add, “I really enjoyed the ambiance, and not just the restaurant.”
“You do have a sense of humor, Jessi. You also have a beautiful smile. I wish I could see it more often. Let’s go, shall we?” The drive home was spent mostly in silence.
Eric walked her to the door and bent slightly and gave her a light kiss on the lips. “Thank you for a most wonderful evening, and I hope that you’ll think of me once in awhile. Good night, Jessi.” He turned and walked away, not giving her a chance to reply.
Jessi quietly slipped into the house. She made her way to her room and realized she’d had her fingers pressed to her lips, not moving them. Tears smeared her makeup and left a path down her cheeks. In all this time she’d not realized just how lonely she was. Except for a young a child and an aging aunt, she was truly alone in this world. Not only alone, but lonely.
Chapter 23
Jessi spent Saturday doing laundry and packing her and Olivia’s things. It was the end of July, and it was time to go home. They were going to spend the day here with Aunt Merry, and after much begging and pleading by Olivia, Jessi promised they wouldn’t leave until after supper on Sunday. Mark had said his good-byes the day before, promising that he would contact them as soon as he arrived in Wisconsin. He told Jessi that he would make up all the money he owed for child support. He wouldn’t have been able to do anything about it while he was in prison, but he would help her as soon as he got a job, giving more than would normally be required of him.
Jessi was humming while she took all but their overnight bags to the car. Aunt Merry had wanted to ask Jessi all day about her time with Doctor Phillips. Finally she got up the nerve. “I take it from all the singing and the smiles that your date went well last night.”
Jessi turned and grinned smugly at her aunt while continuing to hum as she worked.
“What kind of answer is that?” Not expecting a reply, Aunt Merry went to the kitchen to prepare a light lunch of grilled cheese and tomato soup. She’d already started a special good-bye supper, and she didn’t want lunch ruining their appetite for supper.
When the sandwiches were ready, she called both Jessi and Olivia to the kitchen. Olivia asked for permission to eat in the garden with her dolls, which Aunt Merry quickly granted. Now she would have Jessi’s undivided attention and get some answers. They both sat down at the table, Jessi still with that smirk on her face. “All right, that’s it. My patience is running out. Tell me about last night.”
Jessi almost burst out laughing at her aunt. “Okay, I’ll tell you, although there really isn’t much to tell. Nothing can come of it anyway. It just felt…well, nice.” She continued on. “We went to NIKZ at the Top, and I ordered the fresh salmon. It was a very pleasant evening. I realized how much I’ve missed adult companionship. We talked for what seemed like hours, and then we came home. End of story.”
Aunt Merry looked at her with skepticism. “Are you sure that’s it?”
Jessi took the last bite of her sandwich and stood up and headed to the door. “What else could there be?” She grinned and walked through the door. She opened the door just enough to look around the corner to Aunt Merry sitting at the table. “Oh yeah, did I mention he kissed me good night?”
All Merry heard after that was laughter emanating from the living room. He kissed her good night? What did that mean? What was she thinking? Surely she wasn’t seriously considering this relationship, was she?
Lord, this was not in my plan. What are you up to?
Merry continued with her supper preparations. The meat was marinating and the rolls were rising by the time Jessi came back into the kitchen for a drink.
“I just finished making some fresh iced tea.” Aunt Merry nodded toward the pitcher sitting on the kitchen counter. “How are things going? Are you going to be able to fit everything in the car?”
Jessi grabbed a glass from the cupboard and filled it with ice and tea. “Yeah, I’ve got the front seat and the floorboard behind the driver’s seat to fill up yet. Mom bought her way too much stuff. I won’t have anything to get her for Christmas.”
“I’m sure you’ll find plenty. They have so much out in the stores these days. I really have no idea how we survived when we were kids. No gadgets and television games. It was simple toys for us: a few board games and dolls. Boys were still able to play cops and robbers without being chastised for playing with guns. I remember Ethan would use anything that even remotely looked like a gun and use it. We didn’t have to buy them for him. He came up with his own.”
Merry smiled at Jessi. She rarely, if ever, brought up Ethan to her, but it seemed like the right time to do so. There were memories she didn’t want to forget, and if she didn’t talk about them or record them somehow, she would.
Jessi sat down at the table with her tea, and Aunt Merry poured herself a glass and after peeking in on Olivia, who was still outside, sat down with her.
“I still miss him, Aunt Merry. But I feel like I’m starting to move on with my life. Not just for my sake, mainly for Olivia’s. She needs a mother.”
“I’m thinking this is a good thing, Jess. You’ve given yourself more than enough time to mourn. He wouldn’t want you to only remember the bad. He was too happy of a child for that. I remember he always wanted you to be happy. He hated to see you cry, and he’d try to make it all better.”
Jessi smiled at the memories. “Yeah, he would stand in front of me and use his little chubby fingers to wipe the tears off my cheeks. Then he would ask where my boo-boo was and if he could kiss it and make it all better. He was so tenderhearted.”
“Unlike some kids, he was always mindful of others and their feelings. You did a good job with him, Jessi. Just like you are doing with Olivia. You have a lot to be proud of.”
“Thank you, Aunt Merry; that means a lot coming from you. It’s been hard. I’ve raised Olivia as a single parent, and I was very close to being a single parent with Ethan. I always tried to make the decision that would be best for them, no matter how hard or painful it was. I’ve never understood how some people can be so selfish with their lives when it comes to their children. I mean, why do they have kids if they don’t intend on doing their best by them?”
“Well, I’m glad your mom chose to have you. Even though she was a selfish person and didn’t give you the time and energy that she should have, I wouldn’t have you in my life if she hadn’t had you. Maybe the fact that she did have you was the one unselfish thing she’s ever done for you. Have you ever thought of it that way? It’s always easy to see the negative. Sometimes it’s not as simple to see things in a positive way.”
“I guess I’ve never thought of that. I suppose if everything she’d done had been selfish, she would have aborted me. Then I wouldn’t even be here.” She didn’t notice the painful look that crossed her aunt’s face.
“I’m just glad that God brought you into my life, Jessi. He has given me the joy of my life, and that was you. You will always be the daughter I could never have. So never, ever think that you were unwanted. You were the most desired child in this world. You gave my life meaning. I’ve always felt that God’s purpose or plan for my life was to be here for you. He loved you so much, and he knew that you would need me, so he made us family and bound us together with love. I love you, Jessi, more than any other earthly thing. I hope you know that.”
“I do. I don’t know what I would have done without you in my life. You were always there for me, even when I first came and was so angry at my parents for not wanting me. I took out all my anger on you, and I’m sorry for that. It didn’t take me long to realize that things were going to be different. You never left me to my own care, and you did things for me that no one else had ever done. Even your simple motherly acts of making cookies for me after school were foreign to me. I’d never had anyone think of me or what I might like first. It was a different concept. I expected you to be like my parents. I never dreamed you would be more like my parent than either one of them would ever be. Thank you. I love you too.”
Olivia came bounding in the door. “Mom, do we have to leave tomorrow? Why can’t we stay? We could stay a little bit longer.”
“No, Olivia, I need to get home and get ready for school. I have a lot of planning to do, and we also have to get you ready for school. You will be going to kindergarten this year, and we have to shop for school clothes and school supplies. We have a lot to do, and if we’re going to get it all done, we have to get home. Now run upstairs and look under your bed to see if you got everything out to be packed. I’m sure there are some things hiding around here that you haven’t found yet. If you don’t look real good, they’ll be left behind, and then you’ll miss them.”
Olivia ran out of the room and up the stairs. They could hear her traipsing around her room opening doors and closing them, looking for items that might be hidden.
Jessi started to head out to finish her own work but turned back to her aunt. “I’ve been meaning to ask you about the journals. I haven’t finished them yet, but I know you probably don’t want me to take them with me. I can finish them next summer when I come down if you’d like.”
Aunt Merry shook her head. “No, you take them. I myself have something to talk with you about. I’ve been waiting all this time for an invitation to come to your house, and frankly, I’m tired of waiting. So I’m inviting myself. I’d like to come for Christmas. It gets to be so long between visits, and I miss the both of you so much that I’ve decided I can come your way once a year, so I get to see you more often. Not only that, but you are the only family I have, and Christmas gets to be so lonely without you.”
“Oh, Aunt Merry, I’m sorry that I haven’t thought of it myself. Of course I want you to come. We miss you too. I don’t know why, but I thought you wouldn’t want to come to our house. It’s a lot smaller than here, but I’m sure we could make you comfortable. This will make leaving tomorrow so much easier on Olivia. She will be so happy. I am too, for that matter. We can have a real family Christmas. Can you stay for a while?”
“I was thinking three to four weeks. Would that be all right, or do you think you would get sick of me for that long?”
“That would be perfect. You will be there while I’m off for Christmas break, so we will have plenty of time together. You might not like the snow. It’ll be pretty cold by that time of year. Do you think you can handle it?”
“I’ll buy myself a nice warm coat and some new boots. You did say you have a fireplace, right?”
Jessi nodded yes.
“Then I’ll be just fine tucked away in your little cozy house spending time with my two favorite people. I’m sure you’ll be done with the journals by then, and I’ll just bring them back home with me. How does that sound?”
Jessi wrapped her arms around the older woman’s neck. “Perfect, just perfect. I can’t wait.”
Jessi went and changed the laundry one more time. One more load, and she was finished with that part of the packing. Tomorrow would be much easier on all of them now. Aunt Merry was coming for Christmas. She would tell Olivia at suppertime.
As she was checking the rolls, Aunt Merry was very pleased with how things were progressing. The hurt conjured up during their conversation was totally unintentional by Jessi, but it didn’t change the pain it brought forth. They would be having a very different kind of talk when she came for Christmas. Jessi would be done with the journals for sure by then, and she would have some explaining to do. She never meant to hurt Jessi with the information she was giving her, but she would definitely feel a letdown and some disappointment in her aunt. But it had to be this way. She had to know that God loved the unworthy and that no one, no matter who they were, was worthy of God’s love on their own.