“Well, I guess what I really want to know is if you’ve forgiven him yet.”
“He’s here, isn’t he? Olivia is spending the night with him.” She made these statements with such a vengeance that Merry already had her answer. She just wanted Jessi to hear herself say the words out loud.
“I didn’t ask if he was a good father to Olivia or even, for that matter, if you approve of him being here. I merely asked if you have forgiven him for being the cause of Ethan’s death.”
Jessi’s face pleaded with her aunt to not go there. Merry returned her look with one just as demanding.
Finally Jessi began to speak. “You know what he did. How can you ask me that? I will never be able to fully forgive him. I’m nice to him, and yes, you’re right, he is a good father to Olivia. For that I’m thankful. But where was he when Ethan was here. Why couldn’t he have been the least little bit interested in his son? No, Aunt Merry, the answer is no. He doesn’t deserve to be forgiven.”
“I see,” was the only response Jessi received. Now that she had her attention, she returned to the journals. “Jessi, I want to talk with you about those journals. I need to speak with you. You need to know what happened after that last entry.” Merry walked over to Jessi and took the book from her. She took her by the hand and led her to the couch, where they could sit together. “After reading what you have, do you have any questions for me or anything you’d like to say?”
Jessi was quiet for a moment. She looked at her aunt with fear on her face. “Where is your child? That’s all I could think of all this time is where is your child?”
Merry took a deep breath. This was going to be harder than she’d imagined, and that was saying something, because she’d already imagined this conversation to be the hardest one she’d ever have in her life. “Oh, honey, what I am about to tell you I am not proud of. As a matter of fact, I don’t want to tell you this, but I’m doing it because you need to hear it. The day I received Lester’s letter I was convinced that if I tried one more time, if I wrote to him and told him how much I loved him, he would change his mind and marry me and be happy that we were having a baby. Well, it wasn’t to be. The only response I received from him was another note saying he didn’t want it, to get rid of it, and he never wanted to hear from me again. I sobbed. I thought my life was over. Little by little I began to think about what I was going to do. I would take the money out of my drawer and look at it and wonder if what he was suggesting would be the best thing all around. I mean, what kind of life could I give a baby, right? I started to justify the act, and part of me was so numb, so hurt, that I really didn’t think past the reaction of my parents and friends.
“I found myself in downtown Oklahoma City one Friday night when my parents thought I was at a movie, looking for this Loretta person. I wasn’t sure I was going to go through with it. I walked into her place, and she asked me what I wanted. I looked around at the dirty room, and then I handed her the envelope with the money and the note in it. She read it and then led me into another room and told me to take my pants off and get up on the table. I did as she said, and she told me it would only take a few minutes. I felt the most horrible pain I’d ever felt, and then she said it was over. I was told I would bleed for a few days and then that would be it. Only, that was not it. I didn’t stop bleeding. I continued to bleed, and when my parents took me to the hospital and they were told about what I had done, the horror and the shame that I felt was worse than anything I could have ever imagined. Telling them when I first found out that I was pregnant, or even when Lester suggested the abortion, would have been nothing to the shame I felt when they stood before me in the hospital looking at me as if they didn’t know me. I had shamed them, I had shamed our faith, but most of all I had shamed myself. It wasn’t until later, after the doctor at the hospital had stopped the bleeding, that I found out how much damage was done. Apparently Loretta did more than remove my baby; she also punctured some internal organs, which was causing the excessive bleeding. In order to stop the bleeding, the surgeon had to remove part of my insides.” Merry stopped to take a drink of water.
She hadn’t meant to ramble, but once she started she wanted to tell her everything. She wasn’t going to leave out anything. Merry looked at Jessi with tears in her eyes and continued. “Jessi, I was seventeen years old when I was told that I would never again be able to bear children. I had dreamed my whole life of having a family. My sin, my decision to do something that I knew was morally wrong, resulted in consequences that I would have to live with my entire life.”
Merry watched Jessi’s face and saw the horror in her eyes. “After I was released from the hospital, I was completely withdrawn from everyone and everything. A couple of my friends tried to make contact with me, but I didn’t want to see or hear from anyone. I ended up leaving school and moving to Oklahoma City to live with my aunt and uncle, where my parents thought I might have a chance at living a normal life without being judged by everyone who lived in our small town. I attended church with my aunt and uncle and eventually came to know Jesus as my Savior. It was the first time since the abortion that I had felt true peace. Eventually I met your uncle John, and he and I started dating. I was truthful with him from the start. Most men fall in love, marry, and want to have children. I had to tell him that he would never have a child with me. I was scared. I didn’t know what he would do. I loved him and I was afraid of losing him, but I also knew that if I wasn’t truthful with him from the beginning, I would definitely lose him in the end. This way, I would at least have a chance.”
Jessi had remained silent up until this point. “What did he say?”
“He told he me wanted a day to think about what I’d told him. I understood, but it was the longest twenty-four hours of my life. The next evening when we got together he took my hands in his and told me that he had prayed about it and that I was meant to be his bride. Of this he was sure. He promised to love me and cherish me, no matter what mistakes I had made in the past. Right then and there, he got down on one knee and proposed to me, telling me it would be his honor if I would consider him for a husband. I started to weep. I doubted there would ever be a man who would love me after what I had done, and now here was this man of God who could look past all my sins and tell me he would be honored to have me, the person who killed her own baby, as his wife. I can’t tell you how unworthy I felt. Part of me wanted to shout to him, ‘Don’t you realize what you are doing. Don’t you know what I am? I am a murderer. I don’t deserve to be loved,’ while another part of me wanted him to put his arms around me and hold me and help me understand that true love was patient and kind and longsuffering, just like the Bible talked about.
“You see I didn’t know what real love was, and here was a man who was willing to give up his dreams of a family because he loved me.” Merry took a moment to wipe the tears from her eyes. Jessi was on her second tissue. “My story doesn’t stop there, Jessi. There is still more to tell. I still had my dream of having children, but I knew that was never to be. What I didn’t realize was just how big of a God I now served. He loved me too, and it hurt him when I was hurting. He looked down at me and saw my broken heart and decided that out of his mercy he would give me what I didn’t deserve. That’s when he gave me you. God loves you, Jessi. He’s had a plan for your life since the day you were created.”
Jessi couldn’t stop crying. She embraced her aunt tightly and didn’t let go for a long time. She pulled away and looked at her aunt. “I love you, Aunt Merry. I will always love you no matter what.”
Merry gazed at the daughter of her heart. This was the part that was going to hurt Jessi the most, but she couldn’t stop now. She had to go on. “I will always love you too.”
Jessi started to get up to put on tea water, but Aunt Merry pulled her back down next to her. “Jessi, there is something else I have to talk to you about. I bet you are wondering why I let you read my journals, why I’ve told you all about my past mistakes.”
Jessi had to admit she had wondered that very thing. “It has crossed my mind a few times.”
“I’m sure it has. Do you realize that Mark and I aren’t so different? That we are both guilty of the same crimes, except if you look closely enough, there would be evidence according to some that my sin would be worse? Not only did I ask someone to kill my child, but I paid them to do it. In Mark’s case, he would have never willingly taken Ethan’s life. Yes, he made an extremely poor decision, and the consequences of his actions happened to take someone we love very much away from us. In my case, my decision was to take the life of my child and the consequence was I was never to bear a child again. There is a big difference between the two, Jessi.” Jessi was crying and shaking her head no. Merry still went further. “Yes, Jessi, I am no better than Mark. Are you able to forgive me now that you know what I have done? You said earlier that you would always love me, but I don’t think you really thought it through. Your emotions were leading you and you were feeling the pain that I was going through. Because if you forgive me of my horrific sin, how can you not forgive the man you vowed to love you till death do you part? He has changed, Jessi. He is no longer the same Mark, but one who has found the love of God. He still struggles with his guilt just like I did, even after finding my faith. John saw fit to love me when I didn’t think I was worthy. Do you know why John still loved me?”
Jessi shook her head no, the tears still flowing down her face.
“Because he knew that he was just as guilty as I was. God doesn’t see our sin as being better or worse than anyone else’s. He just sees sin. And it’s all bad to him. You see, John knew that he wasn’t any better than me. He also knew that if he trusted God, God would take care of everything. He would fill in the empty parts. So I ask you again, Jessi. How can you say you can forgive me if you are unable to forgive Mark? True, you didn’t know my child; I didn’t even know my child. Maybe that was what made it easy to justify. But that doesn’t change the fact of what I did. I know that you have feelings for Mark. I’ve seen it in your eyes when you don’t think anyone is watching. You have come to care for him again. Maybe in a way you didn’t before. I don’t know, but if you don’t take the opportunity to find out you’ll never know if you were truly meant to be. Jessi, follow your heart and don’t keep holding on to not forgiving. It will keep you from the life you are meant to lead.”
Merry left Jessi sitting on the couch with her thoughts and a box of tissues. In her room she got down on her knees and prayed like she’d never prayed before.
Chapter 33
The snow started falling in earnest sometime after midnight, and when Merry looked out the window first thing in the morning, the entire landscape was shrouded in white. She had only seen such beauty in pictures. It had been a couple of days since she had confessed her past to Jessi, and, being true to herself, Jessi was taking a few days to think before she reacted. She’d always been this way.
Wondering if today was the day Olivia would hold her to the promise of making a snowman, Merry went about making the morning coffee. She liked having a few minutes to herself before anyone else got up in the morning. She’d spend some time in prayer and in her Bible while sipping on her coffee. It was a wonderful time of day. Being able to see God’s creation as she sat at the breakfast table was also an addition to her morning devotionals. She was halfway through her Bible reading when the phone rang. It was Mark asking if he could come over and sled with Olivia on the back hill right after lunch. Assuring him that it would be fine, she set the phone back on its cradle and resumed her reading.
Shortly after she started pancakes and bacon, both Olivia and Jessi came wandering out of their bedrooms, wondering what smelled so good. Jessi poured herself a cup of coffee. “I think you should stick around here. The coffee is ready every morning and breakfast is in the making. I think you are a keeper.” She set her coffee down and wrapped her arms around her aunt. “Have I told you lately that I love you?”
Merry smiled over her shoulder. “I think it’s been at least a couple of days, so I am very glad to hear it again.” Relieved that Jessi was in a better mood than she had been the past couple of days, she flipped the pancakes and turned the bacon with a song on her lips.
Jessi noticed her singing. “You seem awfully happy this morning.”
“I get this way when someone I love has made me happy. Speaking of being happy, Mark called and asked if he could come over and try out that new sled he got Olivia for Christmas. What do you think, Olivia? Do you want to try out your new sled on the hill out back with your dad?”
Olivia ran to the window and looked outside. She let out a squeal. “It snowed last night. I get to go sledding. Maybe we can make a snowman too.” She looked at her aunt. “Remember, you said you would make a snowman with me.”