Jessi opened the door to the living room. She called out, “Hey, guys, pie’s ready.” Then she stepped aside just in time to see four grown men dive toward the kitchen door to see who could be first in line, like there wouldn’t be enough for all of them. It was a sight to behold.
Chapter 29
Jessi sat by the fireplace with the last of Aunt Merry’s journals. Olivia was tucked into bed, and Jessi had to pick Aunt Merry up from the airport tomorrow afternoon. It was now or never. She had a cup of hot tea and some of the Christmas cookies she had made earlier on a saucer for a snack, and she was all settled in for a good read. She turned to where her marker rested.
Friday, May 28, 1964
I went with Lester tonight, and he told me the most horrifying news. He’s joined the army. I thought he was going to propose and tell me we’d move away to the city like he’s always wanted to do. I can’t stop crying. He told me he still loves me but we’d have to wait to be together. We only have two weeks together before he leaves, and he wants to spend every moment he can with me. It will be a long time before I will see him again, and when he does come home it will only be for a short while. He’ll be away for so long. I will miss him with all my heart. I don’t think I can bear this.
Jessi re-read the words and muttered to herself, “Probably the best thing that could have happened to her. Must have hurt at the time, but if he’d stayed, surely things would have turned out much worse for Aunt Merry.” She continued to read.
Tuesday, June 1, 1964
I spent the day with Lester today. He wasn’t able to spend any time with me this weekend because his family had lots of relatives come to say good-bye to him. He wasn’t able to get away. But today we went walking in the country near his family’s place and we spent time swimming at the lake. I know I made a promise to myself and to God, but how was I to tell him no when he is leaving so soon? Besides, we plan on marrying when he gets out of the army. He told me I’d always be his girl. It can’t be all that bad if we plan on being a family anyway. God will understand that. It’s like we’re a family already. That’s the way Lester said God sees it. He said in the Old Testament people didn’t get married by a preacher. They just gave themselves to each other and then they were married. So I guess, according to Lester, we’re married. Somehow I don’t think Papa and Mama would see it like that if they knew what we were doing. Things will work out, though. I just have to believe that.
Jessi closed her eyes and wished she didn’t have to keep reading. She didn’t like where this was going. And for the life of her she couldn’t understand why her aunt would want her to read this. This wasn’t the kind of stuff you wanted your family to know. This was the stuff closets were made for.
Thursday, June 14, 1964
I waved good-bye to Lester today as he boarded the train. He’s left us for the army. We hardly spent any time together, at least any quality time together. He managed to come and see me long enough to drive to the lookout, but we didn’t do anything together that young lovers are supposed to do before they are separated by lots of miles. I am already lost without him. He promised to write to me. I can always look forward to that. We can keep our relationship going strong through the mail. I can wait for as long as it takes. He will always be my only love.
Sunday, June 27, 1964
I haven’t received one letter from Lester. I’ve written him three times already, and he hasn’t responded to my letters at all. I even called his mother to ask if she has heard from him, and she told me he was doing well. He’s been pretty busy in basic training, but she says he’s doing fine. I was pretty upset that he has had time to write his mother and not me. I don’t quite know how to take that news.
Jessi continued to read, already knowing things were going to turn out badly for her aunt. She felt like crying even before she read the dreadful news.
Wednesday July 20, 1964
I’m pregnant. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know who I can talk to. I wrote another letter to Lester, and I still haven’t heard from him. I am hoping with this news he will feel compelled to write me back. This should seal our relationship and remind him of how important I was to him. I became the woman he wanted me to become for him. I feel sick to my stomach all the time and won’t be able to hide my condition from my parents for very long if the sickness doesn’t pass, not that it will give me much time in the long run anyway, as I’ll be showing by the fourth month. I guessed I was pregnant when I didn’t get my period in June, but I knew for sure when I still didn’t get it in July. I’m sure everything will be all right when I get Lester’s letter. He will come home and we’ll be married, and then my parents will forgive me and help me with my baby. I have to believe still that everything will work out. I have to believe it.
There was only one more entry in the journal to read. Jessi pressed on.
Thursday, August 5, 1964
I received a letter from Lester today. I was so excited to hear from him that I tore it open as fast as I could. There was only a short note and some cash. I sobbed when I read the words that he wrote:
Meredith
,
Here is some cash and the name of a lady in the city who will take care of it. I’ve listed her name and address at the bottom of the page. Tell her I sent you, and she’ll know what to do. I’ve used her before, and she’ll take care of everything. I’m sure you’re not so naïve to really believe that I would take leave and marry you. As I said, this has happened before, and everything works out fine. So don’t worry; just go see Loretta, and no one will be the wiser.
Lester
P.S. I’m not sure it’s a good idea for you to continue to write me. You are distracting me from my training, and I can’t be letting that happen, now can I?
I am not sure what to do. I don’t know who I can talk to or even what the right thing is anymore. I am so confused and I feel horrible. I don’t want this baby if Lester isn’t going to love me. Why did he do this to me? Why is this happening to me? What should I do?
That was it; that’s where the journals ended. No explanation of what happened or the decisions Aunt Merry had made so long ago were anywhere to be found. The journal was only half filled, and that was the last entry and the last book.
Jessi sobbed for her aunt. How alone she must have felt. The shame of her secret would have been too much for any teenage girl, especially one who was supposed to have been brought up it the church. Jessi cried well into the night, feeling the pain her aunt endured like it was her own. Finally she fell asleep in the chair by the fire, her tea cold and her cookies untouched.
***
The ladies took Merry to the airport in plenty of time to stop for lunch before dropping her off. All six of them in Mabel’s Cadillac was a tight squeeze, but they managed it. Merry was a little nervous about flying for the first time, which was part of the reason she hadn’t insisted on visiting Jessi in Wisconsin before now. “Girls, I’m getting too old for this. At my age the girl should be coming here, not me traipsing all around the country in something that doesn’t stay on the ground.”
Judy took her by the arm and led her into the restaurant. “Honey, if I can fly to California and back two to three times a year, I know you can do this. Why, you are so much braver than me, you’ll have no trouble at all. Just remember that God is in control of everything, dear. Even airplanes have nothing on him.” Feeling that her explanation was adequate enough to calm Merry’s frayed nerves, she changed the subject completely and told Merry all about the new couple who had moved in next door to her. “They’re just the cutest couple. Oh, and they have a little dog. I’m not sure what kind it is. They don’t call them poodles anymore. It has some foreign name and I can’t remember it.”
Since Merry wasn’t feeling too well due to her anxiousness of flying, she only ordered a cup of soup with crackers; which she barely touched. All the ladies seemed to be in good spirits and didn’t notice that Merry was still nervous. She’d been given lots of good advice. “Make sure you use the bathroom before boarding the plane” and “Don’t drink too much on the trip, or you’ll have to climb over everybody’s lap to get to the bathroom” were just a couple. They meant well, she knew, but all of them had flown before and had been doing so for years. She was the only one who had been stuck in her safe little world for so long without venturing out of it. It wasn’t just the flying that was causing her stomach to be in knots. She could handle it if that were the only thing that was giving her cause to worry. What she was going to find once she got to Wisconsin was what was truly bothering her, or rather, how she would find Jessi’s attitude toward her. Jessi had called her before bed last night and told her that she was going to finish the journals before heading to bed.
Lord, I know I was following your instructions when you led me to give the child my journals. I sure hope you know what you’re doing. I’m scared I’m about to lose the only daughter I have ever known. Please give me strength to do your will.
Merry looked up as Mabel called her name. “We have to get going if we are going to get you there on time. Are you ready?” She looked at Merry’s untouched cup of soup. She handed her a granola bar. “Here, put this in your purse. You’ll probably need it for later.” She took Merry’s hand and led her to the car. Some of the ladies stopped off into the restroom, so Merry had a moment alone with Mabel.
“Mabel, you’ve been through a lot in your life, haven’t you?”
Mabel thoughtfully looked at Merry. “Your anxiety is about a little more than flying, isn’t it?”
Merry pursed her lips and nodded. She tried not to let the tears in her eyes spill over.
“Did you tell her about your past?”
“I let her read my journals. I’m scared, Mabel, that I’m going to lose my baby.” Merry couldn’t keep the tears from flowing now that she had voiced her fears out loud.
“Did God tell you to do this, Merry? Did he lead you in this direction?”
Through the tears, Merry nodded again.
“Then you have to believe he has it all under control. If it is his plan that you lose her, then you must face the fact that God knows best. We will pray that that is not in his plan. But, Merry, you know as well as anyone that God’s plans are his own and no man understands his ways. We just have to trust him. It’s hard to let him have control when you think he might change all you’ve ever known. Imagine what Abraham must have felt when God asked him to sacrifice his only son on an altar. At the last second, God stepped in by way of an angel and kept him from being obedient. Obedience is always better than sacrifice. You were obedient in doing what God has told you to do. You may also have to sacrifice, but we don’t know that yet, do we? Trust God, sister. We’ll all be praying for you.”
Merry’s full entourage followed her into the airport to say their good-byes. They were a comical sight, six elderly ladies making a ruckus and all dressed in various modes of dress—some loud and obnoxious and some very reserved—yet they needed and treasured each other as much as a child needed its mama. They all waved good-bye and then headed home with a little more room in the car to spread out.
Merry watched as everything she was used to grew smaller and smaller. The houses became little dots and then were completely gone underneath the clouds. She pulled her worn-out Bible from her purse and began to read, looking for comfort from the Creator of her soul. It wasn’t long before the steward asked her if she’d like something to drink, and she chose a Sprite, as her throat was dry. They gave her a little bag of pretzels and an itty-bitty can of Sprite. She slowly munched the pretzels and drank her soda while she read. Before long the captain was describing the weather conditions in Chicago over the intercom system. The steward collected her garbage, and she put her Bible away as she was instructed to do.