Until I Break (21 page)

I hear his breath coming faster and I look up
into his smoky green eyes. They’re ravenous. Every bit as ravenous
as I feel.

“What do you want me to do?” I ask, not
knowing how much of this is part of his plan to fix me.

“What do I want you to do?” he repeats, his
jaw flexed and his teeth gritted. It’s obvious he’s struggling to
keep a hold on himself. It’s also obvious he’s determined to do it.
“What I want for you to do is let me tie your hands behind your
back,” he says, reaching forward to twist his fingers into my hair
and pull my face toward his. “What I want for you to do is let me
force you to your knees. What I want for you to do is let me jam my
cock down your throat until I fill your mouth with come.” His
breath is hot on my face, hotter than the steam from the shower.
His eyes are hard, his words brutally honest. “But what I’ll settle
for,” he grinds, pivoting until my back is pressed to the cool
shower wall. I feel a tiny thread of fear shiver through me and
then it’s gone. “Is for you to let me watch you wash every crevice
of your body. And try not to imagine that your fingers are
mine.”

His eyes bore hot holes into mine for a few
tense seconds before he bends his head and takes my lower lip
between his teeth. He nips it, hard enough to get my attention, but
not hard enough to hurt. The sensation lands in my belly like a
bolt of lightning.

With a growl, he pushes himself away from the
wall and turns to put his face into the stream of water from the
shower head. After a few seconds, he turns back to me, to where I’m
still standing helplessly against the wall, and starts to lather
his chest.

“I suggest you get started,” he says blandly,
one brow rising in that way that I love.

So I do.

CHAPTER THIRTY-TWO- Alec

Penance. That’s what this is. I’m punishing
myself for the things I’ve done and Samantha is the
community-service I feel compelled to perform.

At least that’s what part of me feels like.
The part that would rather be working day and night to coerce her
into leaving her fear behind and embracing my world.

But it’s not my world anymore. It can’t be. I
haven’t let it be for a long time.

Until Samantha.

She was too much to resist. I let myself down
and I scared the shit out of her in the process. So I’m making
amends. As a doctor, as a man and as a decent human being, I’m
keeping the chains on the darker side of myself and I’m doing what
I need to do to help her, to give her a shot at what she calls a
normal life.

I’ve brought her to the edge of orgasm at
least two dozen times in the last two weeks. Anywhere and
everywhere. At her house and mine, in the car, on the sand, and
everywhere in between. I won’t let her climax because I want to
make sure she’s ready, that she’ll actually do it and not feel like
a failure to me and to herself. I think I could’ve made her come
that day on the balcony, but I didn’t want to push her too far too
fast. And I suppose there was the small chance that I might’ve been
too arrogant, that she might
not have
. And that would’ve
been a disaster. So here we are, two weeks later, and I’ve got the
worst blue balls known to man.

I could’ve found someone to take the heat off
with, but that feels like a huge betrayal to Samantha. So I
haven’t. She trusted me when I told her I’m safe and clean and that
I’m not sleeping with anyone else. She got back on the pill to
prove it. I don’t intend to betray
that
trust either.

But my patience is running thin.

I take the turn that leads me one step closer
to my office. I don’t really have to go in today, but I feel like I
need to take a break from Samantha. Every day that we spend
together, her allowing me to explore her both physically and
emotionally, is a day that her past loosens its grip. I can see it
in her body language, in her smile. I can hear it in her laugh.
She’s happy. She’s free. But every day we spend together is also a
day she might be getting herself into trouble and I don’t know how
to stop it.

I think she’s falling in love with me.
Despite my numerous warnings, I don’t think she’s even trying
not
to anymore. And I don’t know what the hell to do about
it.

I guess I could just disappear from her life.
Stop all this before it turns into disaster. But I can’t. I owe
her.

Or is that just an excuse because I’m falling
for her, too?

I’ve considered that possibility a couple of
times. I have my doubts. Very serious doubts. Even if she were
perfect for me in a dozen other ways, there are ways she could
never satisfy me. And I think it would be completely irresponsible
of me to go forward as if I didn’t know that and then one day break
her heart because I’ve had enough.

No, it’s better to do it sooner rather than
later.

And sooner is fast approaching.

CHAPTER THIRTY-THREE- Samantha

“
You know you should run. I’ve told you
countless times before that I’ll hurt you, that you’re not safe
with me,” Mason reminds me.

I reach up to stroke his smooth cheek with
my fingertips. “Stop trying to push me away. I’m not leaving you.
Can’t you see that I love you? It’s too late for me. The past is
the past.
You
are my future.”

I take a step back and curl my fingers in
the neck of my shirt, tugging sharply until the buttons down the
front give way. I know that doing this will push me past the point
of no return. I know that if I bare my throat to him, that if he
bites me one more time, there’s not going back. For either of us.
I’ll be joined with him forever. Even if he leaves me. But that’s a
chance I’m willing to take.

I turn my chin to one side, exposing the
throbbing vein in my neck.

“
Take it, Mason. Take my blood. One more
time. I want to feel your teeth inside me. And then I want to feel
you inside me. Bite me. Then make love to me.”

As has become my habit since meeting him,
even though Alec is not a vampire, I find myself drawing uncanny
(and probably unhealthy) parallels between my life and Daire’s,
between her dilemmas and mine.

There are no supernatural curses for me to
contend with. There are no blood ties that I must worry about. But
I feel like the more time I spend with Alec, the more permanently
bound to him I become. Some small part of me is still aware that he
could and most likely will be leaving me eventually, but that part
is not nearly large enough to stop the free fall I’ve found myself
in. Alec is practically perfect for me in every way.

Unfortunately, the one way that he’s not will
probably be the one thing that takes him away from me. Permanently.
Like Mason hungers for blood, Alec hungers for a sexual
satisfaction that I can’t provide. I don’t know how strong the urge
is, but I have a feeling it must be pretty intense. He’s had to
fight it for years.

But he doesn’t always win.

I shake off the ever-niggling worry and head
for the kitchen to make myself a sandwich. Hearing me puttering
around, Jinx hops up on the barstool and arches his back for some
attention.

“You hungry, too, boy?”

His purr is drowned out by the ring of my
cell phone. I take it from the pocket of my shorts. My heart does a
little extra tap when I see Alec’s name on the screen.

“Hi,” I answer cheerfully, unable to keep the
smile from my voice. I feel like smiling constantly when he’s
around. And often when he’s not.

“Hi,” comes his gruff reply. His voice is
like velvet, smooth yet coarse at the same time. “I’ve got
something to pitch to you. Feel free to say no if you’re the least
bit uncomfortable with it.”

“Okay,” I say easily. There was a time when
I’d have felt anxiety about a conversation that started this way.
But not now. I know Alec would never hurt me. Not on purpose. And
certainly not sexually. He’s proven that a zillion times over.

“I’ve got a thing tonight. I had forgotten
all about it. I don’t really want to go, but it would really look
bad if I didn’t. It’s a big schmooze being hosted by one of my
bigger clients.”

“Sounds like fun.”

“Oh, I can assure you, it will be anything
but fun.”

I laugh. “Oh, I don’t know. You have a way of
keeping things… interesting.”

His pause speaks volumes. “Here’s the thing:
The woman that’s hosting it is a founding member of the club. I’m
sure there will be a few other…patrons there, too.”

An ache begins to form behind my eyes. “So
what kind of a…
schmooze
is this?” I assumed he meant some
kind of social slash political thing, but he might be using some
sort of sexual lingo I’m not familiar with.

“Oh, it’s nothing like that. It’s…no, it’s
nothing like what you’re thinking. It’s just that sometimes they
make inside jokes and comments and…references, things that I don’t
want to make you uncomfortable.”

“If that’s all you’re worried about then
don’t. As long as no one tries to drag me off into a padded room,
I’ll be fine.”

“You’re sure?”

“I’m positive.”

“All right then. Pick you up at eight.”

“I’ll be ready. And Alec,” I say, stopping
him before he can hang up.

“Hmmm?”

“Thank you for being so considerate.”

“No problem,” he says flatly. “See you
tonight.”

I stare at the phone long after Alec is gone.
His frustration is on the rise. He’s having a harder time hiding
it. I don’t know how much longer he can go on like this.

As I sit thinking about him, that tiny
niggling feeling that Alec will soon be leaving becomes more than
just a niggle.

********

I fiddle with the strap of my wristlet. Alec
has been quiet all night. Since we got in the car, he has seemed
like he’s angry about something. I’ve asked nonchalantly if he’s
all right and, each time, he’s assured me he’s fine, that
everything
is fine.

But I don’t believe it.

I’m standing quietly at his side as he
explains his services to the CEO of a privately-funded substance
abuse hospital. Listening to him, it makes perfect sense that he’s
actually a psychiatrist, although these people don’t know it. They
see him simply as the man that runs the company that offers the
services. That’s another benefit to his unorthodox online therapy
sessions—anonymity.

I have to give him credit. Alec has made two
brilliant careers for himself while revealing to very few his face
or his identity. No doubt the employees and social contacts that
know him as one don’t know him as the other. Except for the rare
case, like the doctor he saw at my father’s function, the one who
knew
his
father.

“Alec Brand, glad you could make it.” I feel
Alec’s fingers tense on my lower back at the smooth, feminine
voice.

I turn to see a stunning woman standing
behind us. I’d guess she’s somewhere near forty, or at least ten
years older than my twenty-six and close to ten more than Alec’s
thirty-one. Her long, straight hair is rich auburn and her bangs
are cut severely, like Cleopatra’s. Her eyes are the palest of
blue. They have a sleepy, sexy look that fits her voice to
perfection. She beams an…interested smile in Alec’s direction.

“Carla,” Alec says as he bends to press his
lips to her cheek. She leans in to him, stretching along his length
like a cat. All that’s missing is the purr. “So good to see
you.”

Carla looks behind Alec and nods at the man
he was speaking with. He nods in return and then subtly turns his
attention to someone else, leaving Alec to focus on her.

“I’ve missed seeing you,” she says with a
wink. Alec did tell me once that, although he hadn’t “indulged” in
quite a while, he did still like to visit the club and stroll
through the rooms occasionally. Evidently it was enough to keep the
monster at bay.

For a while anyway.

I can’t help but wonder what he’s doing now,
if he’s really going without.

Alec doesn’t respond, just gives her a cool
smile.

Carla looks to me and nods then returns her
attention to Alec. “Is this the reason? You’ve found better
entertainment at home, have you?”

“Careful, Carla. Someone might think you’re
jealous,” he teases lightly.

“What if I am?” she asks. “I never thought
anyone would keep you from coming to watch me.”

It’s that phrase that triggers a memory. From
the night Alec took me to the club. The woman on the bed in the
first room, the one who looked at us when we stopped in the
doorway—that was Carla. Her smile is unmistakable.

Alec says nothing, but I feel his fingers
flex against my back again and I can see the tick of the muscle in
his jaw.

“It was good seeing you, Carla. Excuse us,
please.”

With that, Alec applies just enough pressure
to urge me to move. We walk around Carla and he guides me to the
bar.

After ordering us a drink, Alec says nothing.
But he doesn’t really have to. It’s obvious that he’s angry. On
edge. And I’m beginning to think this might be why. I wonder if
being around these people, whoever the others might be, makes
his…appetite worse, makes his hunger less manageable.

When the bartender sets our drinks in front
of us, Alec tips his glass back and drains it in one long gulp. I
see his jaw twitch again.

“I’ll be right back,” he says tightly.

I watch him stalk away. I’m baffled by the
turn this night has taken. I see Alec open a door to his left and
disappear through it, leaving me at the bar with too many questions
and too few answers.

Insecurity rises to the surface first. All
the old feelings—feelings that I’m not enough, feelings that I’m
not normal, that I’ll never be normal—battle to drag me down into a
feeling of hopelessness and depression. But something stronger
rises. It rises fast and high, to overwhelm and eclipse. It’s the
desire to make Alec happy, to soothe his anger, to ease his
frustration in any way that I can. He’s given up his pleasure to
help me. At this point,
I
owe
him.