Until I Love Again (7 page)

Joey planted on a smile and greeted the approaching man. “Good afternoon, Mr. Miller. You have a nice place here.”

Susanna's father stopped a few feet away. His face was somber and his eyes were blazing. “And you are Joey, I presume.” He didn't wait for a response. “You are not welcome here, Joey. Please leave before there is further damage done to my daughter's heart. And you
are not to see her again. I want to make that clear. Her
rumspringa
days are at a close, and she will be staying home on the weekends from now on. Susanna belongs to the community, not the outside world.” The man waved his hand toward the distant town. “Do you understand that?”

Joey cleared his throat. “I came to call on your daughter, Mr. Miller.”

“Ralph is
goot
enough,” he interrupted. “We do not call each other fancy titles around here.”

“Okay, Ralph then.” Joey shrugged. “I don't wish to offend you.”

“In that case you should leave at once.” Ralph's voice was clipped.

Stubbornness rose inside of Joey. People didn't normally give him orders. “I'm not planning to do your daughter any harm. You have nothing to worry about from me.”

“You have already done harm,” Ralph said. “I should have put my foot down a long time ago, but I didn't. Now it's time. Susanna belongs with us and the community.”

“I didn't know you could own people these days.” A hint of a smile played on Joey's face. “I think the days of slavery are past.”

Ralph didn't seem flustered. “We all belong somewhere, Joey, and Susanna's world is here, at our house. Someday it will be with her husband when the Lord unites them in holy marriage.”

Joey pulled himself up straighter. “Mr. Miller…I mean, Ralph, am I not also a man?”

“Out there, I suppose you are.” Ralph smiled for the first time. “But in here you are not a man of the community. That is what matters. You will have to answer before the Lord for how you live your life, but we also have to answer for how we live ours. A man violates his conscience at the risk of his own soul.”

“But what of Susanna?” Joey asked. “After all, she invited me to visit.”

“She did not know what was in her best interest,” Ralph replied. “You will leave now and not come back. Do you understand?”

Joey didn't move. “I would like to speak with Susanna first. Not to insult you, Ralph, as you are her father, but…”

The man's eyes blazed again. “
Yah
, that I am. And I am charged with determining what is best for her. I tell you again that Susanna's happiness does not lie out there. Now go. You have done enough damage. Much prayer will be needed to repair the wrong you have done. We may even have to speak of things with Susanna that only the Lord should speak to her heart. Now leave.”

Joey turned, but hesitated. What could he do? This was the man's property. He couldn't force entry to see Susanna. He'd just have to find Susanna the following weekend in Heuvelton. But hadn't Mr. Miller said she wouldn't be going out anymore? He turned back to face Ralph again. “You will keep your daughter home now on the weekends?” he asked. “Did I hear right?”

Ralph nodded. “You heard right. Susanna will be here where she belongs.”

“She knows our house is always open to her,” Joey protested. “Susanna enjoys the time she spends with us. Have you heard her play the piano? She's still learning, but Mom claims that with the proper training, Susanna could go far. Would you keep that from your daughter? Hasn't the Lord given us music to enjoy?”

Ralph opened his mouth but closed it when the front door burst open and Susanna hurried out. She ran off the front porch and slowed only for the last few steps to halt in front of them. She glanced between her father and Joey. “
Daett
, I want to speak with Joey,” she said.

Ralph held out both hands as if to shoo her back inside. “You should not even be out here with this man.”

Susanna's voice was firm. “Joey is my friend.”

Ralph stepped closer with his hands still raised. “Go in the house at once, Susanna. We have much to speak of, but now is not the time.”

Susanna didn't move. “If you won't let us speak here, then I'll leave with him so we can speak somewhere else.
Daett
, I'm sorry, but there is nothing you can do about that.”

“You must not do this,”
Daett
said, not moving.

Susanna reached over to touch his hand. “Please don't make this more difficult than it is. You know that I love you and
Mamm
, but I must know for sure before I settle down. Isn't that what
rumspringa
is about? Have you not told me so many times yourself?”

Ralph still didn't move. “You must love the Lord above all else, Susanna. I cannot give my word or blessing to this thing. You must not leave.”

Tears filled Susanna's eyes. “Then I must leave without your blessing,
Daett
. It grieves me deeply, but it cannot be otherwise. My heart would never know itself again if I don't.”

Joey held his breath. Slowly her father yielded and stepped back. Joey reached for the passenger's door handle and held it open. Without a word Susanna climbed in, her face set. Joey hurried over to the other side, slid in, and started the engine. As he drove away, he checked the mirror to see Ralph still in the yard with his hat off and his head bowed. It was as if he was praying. This he had not expected. His family was religious, but this was…well, way out there. In his world there were no confrontations in the front yard followed by prayers toward heaven.

Joey accelerated and eased the car back onto Maple Ridge Road. Susanna still hadn't spoken. Joey glanced back to the Miller home for a final look. Ralph was still standing in the yard with his head down, his hat on the grass by his feet.

“Just take me to your house,” Susanna whispered, tears on her cheek.

Joey reached over to touch her hand. “You don't have to do this,” he said. “I mean, I'm not trying to break anyone's heart or tear your family apart.”

“Just drive,” she said. “You're breaking no one's heart that wasn't already broken.”

Joey took her hand again and didn't let go until he pulled into the Macalisters' driveway. He parked beside the garage and sat still for a moment.

“Shall we go in?” he finally asked.

Susanna didn't move. “Give me a moment, please.” Her voice choked. “I don't want your
mamm
to see me like this.”

“My mother's not home,” Joey said. “We have the house to ourselves.”

Susanna's face lightened. “Then let's go in.”

Joey opened his door and hurried around to the other side of the car, but Susanna had already climbed out. He took her hand and led the way toward the house. “Where were you when I drove in at your parents' place?” he asked.

Susanna gave him a small smile. “I was in my everyday dress. I had to change.”

Joey chuckled. “I'm sure you looked fine. You left me to face your father's wrath alone.”

Susanna dropped her gaze. “I knew you could handle
Daett
. He's only upset because he cares so much for me. I don't know why he has to clamp down so suddenly on my behavior. I guess I have no one to blame but myself, but maybe I wouldn't be so rebellious if he'd be slower to act. Sometimes it's almost as if…”

“What?” Joey asked. “Almost as if what?”

“I don't really know,” Susanna said. “The way he is so protective. It's as if…as if he knows the temptations…himself. But that can't be.
Daett
has always been Amish through and through.”

“He certainly was today,” Joey said.

“Joey, thanks for coming to the house. This was painful, but it was bound to happen sooner or later.”

“I'm glad I came too,” he said, leading the way inside.

Susanna made her way straight to the piano and sat down on the bench. Her fingers seemed to drift for a moment, until she found the right keys. Slowly the music rose, one note at a time until the melody formed itself. Joey walked closer to look over Susanna's shoulder. The tune was unfamiliar to him and complicated. The sounds rose and fell, angry at first, followed by strident tones that grated the soul. Then high notes descended toward subtle sounds of beauty and agony mixed together.

“That was beautiful,” Joey whispered when she paused.

Susanna didn't answer as the tempo picked up again. Joey listened. Susanna was playing from her heart. Joey closed his eyes. What would it be like to have such a woman as his wife, to cherish her with all of his heart—a woman so beautiful, more beautiful than he had dared imagine a woman could be? Joey kept his eyes closed and willed the music to continue.

Chapter Seven

W
hen Joey took Susanna home late that afternoon, both
Daett
and
Mamm
were waiting for her.

“Come, we must talk,”
Daett
said as soon as she walked through the door. She took a seat on the couch, and
Daett
continued, “This cannot go on, Susanna.”

Susanna lowered her head and offered, “If it will make you feel better, I'll stay home from the hymn singing tonight as my punishment.”

“You will do no such thing,”
Mamm
said. “The very thought of making this disobedience public is simply unthinkable. People know too much already.”

“I could say I was ill.” Susanna wrinkled up her face. “I kind of am.”

“You're not ill,”
Mamm
said. “And neither are you sorry for what you did.”

“Instead, we will go with you to the hymn singing!”
Daett
decreed.

“That won't do any good,” Susanna said. “Do you really think I'd see Joey on the way there and leave with him again? Besides, I'll be with Henry and James.”

“There is no other way. All of our nerves are on edge.”

Susanna forced a laugh. “What do you expect? That I'll see Joey on the road and elope? Besides, Henry, James, and Matthew will…” Susanna stopped.

“We're going with you, and that's final,”
Mamm
said. “And then afterward, we're going to have to have a talk. You need to know—”

“Please, not now,”
Daett
interrupted.

Mamm
faced
Daett
. “She must be told, Ralph. She should have been told long ago. Maybe that's why the Lord is punishing us for our deception.”

Daett
paled but said nothing more.

Susanna focused first on one face and then the other. What was
Mamm
talking about? What must she be told? Was there some punishment in store for her? Had a marriage with Ernest Helmuth already been arranged?

“We will speak with her after the hymn singing!”
Mamm
said. “I have put up with this secret for long enough.”

Daett
reached over to touch
Mamm
's arm. Distress was written deep across his face. “We can still turn this around, Linda. We don't have to speak of the past. Susanna will listen to reason.”

“Look how she's acting now,”
Mamm
snapped. “No, she must be told!”

Susanna cringed and sat lower on the couch, thoroughly confused. Maybe time spent at the hymn singing—where they sang praises to the Lord—would clear everyone's mind. In the meantime she wouldn't worry about this secret
Mamm
spoke of. Everyone had secrets, and they eventually spilled. Look at her and Joey.

“Are we having supper tonight?” young Noah called from the kitchen doorway. “I'm starving.”

“
Yah
, of course.”
Mamm
attempted a smile. She glanced back at Susanna before she dashed off.

“I should join
Mamm
,” Susanna said to
Daett
, who stood in front of her. Tears were running down his cheeks and into his beard. Susanna rose to her feet and wrapped her arms around him.