Until I Love Again (8 page)

“I am still your father,”
Daett
whispered.

“
Yah
, I know.” Susanna gazed up at him, holding back her own tears. “And I do love you, you know that?”

Daett
turned his eyes toward the window. “You will always be my daughter,” he said. “My only daughter.”

A lump gathered in Susanna's throat.

Daett
's hand reached down to lift her chin. “You are so beautiful, Susanna, so like your…”
Daett
stopped with a distant look in his eyes.

“Like
Mamm
,
yah
?” Susanna pulled on his hand. “I know.”

“You are my daughter,”
Daett
repeated. “This I will never forget.”

“
Yah
,” Susanna agreed. “But what do you mean?”

She waited but
Daett
didn't answer. She was ready to speak again when
Mamm
called from the kitchen doorway. “Susanna, I need your help.”

Daett
's hand lingered on hers before he let go. There was sorrow in
Mamm
's eyes when Susanna turned to face her, but
Mamm
hid the look at once with a grim smile. “I really do need your help.”

“
Yah
, I'm coming,” Susanna said, hurrying into the kitchen.

“What did you do when you left with that guy this afternoon?” Noah glared up at her from the bench.

Susanna didn't answer, but gave him a smile. What was there to say about all this that a ten-year-old boy could understand?

Mamm
stood at the stove and turned to give Susanna an accusing look.
Mamm
said no words, but Susanna heard them plainly enough:
“Look at the kind of example you're setting for the younger ones.”

She already knew she was a bad example. But what she wanted
to know was why. Weren't brothers supposed to be the wild ones? Yet neither of the two oldest, Henry and James, had exhibited any of the rebellion she manifested on weekends—or during the week, for that matter. Wasn't she part of this family?
Yah
,
Daett
had made the point only moments ago.

Susanna pulled the plates from the upper cupboard and avoided Noah's steady gaze. He followed her with his eyes as she set the table. A quick retort wanted to escape her lips, but Susanna suppressed the words.

“What were you doing with that
Englisha
boy today?” Noah finally asked again.

Mamm
spoke up for her. “Susanna is sorry for her actions, so don't worry about it.”

Noah's gaze still followed her.

Now shame filled Susanna at the memory of those moments in the Macalister home this afternoon. The music had seemed to pour from her fingers without any thought on her part. Noah knew nothing about
Englisha
music or what happened on
rumspringa
. No, she was the one with secrets, and terrible ones at that.

A plate slipped from Susanna's fingers and crashed to the floor. She gasped and waited for
Mamm
's sharp rebuke, but only silence filled the kitchen.
This is an omen if ever there was one
, she thought to herself. An omen of what lay ahead of her if she continued in her rebellion. Then she gazed to her feet to see the plate in one piece.

“It didn't break,” Noah said with amazement on his face.

“That was awful clumsy of you, Susanna!”
Mamm
still chided. “Thank the Lord no harm was done, but next time…”

Mamm
cut off her words to pick up the plate. But her meaning was plain enough. There was a limited time of grace left in her life in which to reform.

“It twirled twice in the air,” Noah said, his face glowing with admiration. He was obviously impressed for all the wrong reasons.

Susanna's cheeks burned. She forced herself to slow down and set each plate with care. With her head down, she set the utensils on the table.

She glanced over to Noah and said, “You could help set these.”

Noah shrugged and reached for the spoons without objection.

As Susanna placed the last of the forks, she gave Noah a smile. “Thank you for your help.”

He glowed again but said nothing.
Mamm
placed the bowl of soup on the table and gave Susanna a quick glance before she called out, “Supper's ready, Ralph. Call the boys. We'll be late already.”

Daett
's footsteps moved toward the front door, and his voice filled the house as he called toward the barn, “Supper, boys. Come at once.”

Moments later the utility room's screen door slammed, and the sound of chatter from Henry and James could be heard. Small Tobias had come in behind them, after having watched his big brothers at work. They all fell silent once in the kitchen. Each one pulled out a chair and sat down at his customary place.
Daett
was already in his seat.

“We're all going to the hymn singing tonight,” Noah announced before
Daett
could say anything.

“Hush,”
Mamm
said. “We're ready to pray.”

Noah appeared sheepish and ducked his head. Susanna pressed her eyes shut and focused on
Daett
's prayer. Somehow she must gain control of herself.

“Now unto the most high God,”
Daett
was saying, “we give thanks tonight for the meal prepared before us. We are unworthy of even this, the most humble of gifts that You, O Lord, have bestowed upon us. Forgive us of our ungratefulness and the murmuring that
stirs often in our hearts. Make us truly grateful for what You have given by Your gracious hand. Amen.”

“Amen,” the others echoed.

Henry piped up immediately. “Someone please pass the soup. I'm starved. I thought supper would never come.”

“Susanna was being rebuked,” Noah offered. “That's why supper is late.”

Silence fell around the table.

“We will speak of something else now,”
Daett
finally said. “Susanna will seek repentance in her heart.”

The tinkling of soupspoons resumed, but Susanna kept her head down. Her older brothers all knew of her transgressions, and they would respect
Daett
's instructions not to discuss them at the dinner table. But the events of the day still left a heavy silence at the table. The seconds ticked past, and thankfully James soon asked, “What's this about the hymn singing, Noah?”

“We're all going!” Noah proclaimed, the glow back on his face.

“But why?” James asked. “Not that I'm complaining.”

“Then just be thankful,”
Daett
said. “We're not discussing this, remember.”

James shrugged and turned his attention back to his soup bowl.

“Can I ride with you?” Noah piped up.

Susanna kept her head down as her brothers sparred and made the arrangements for who would ride with whom. She would go with Henry—that was already a fixed point. Now if only the rest of her life could be that simple.

Chapter Eight

L
ater that evening, Susanna followed
Mamm
out of the hymn singing to the washroom, where they had left their shawls.
Daett
had gone out the front door with Henry and James ten minutes earlier to ready their buggies, but why
Daett
was in such a hurry to leave wasn't her concern. What she wanted to know was why
Daett
had engaged Ernest Helmuth in a long conversation before the hymn singing. They had spoken so long that
Daett
and Ernest had entered the house only moments before the first song began. To make matters worse, the two had their heads together before
Daett
had left with Henry and James.

What kind of plans had
Daett
made with Ernest? Had they discussed some sort of arrangement for her to be married to him? It didn't seem likely. Amish parents didn't force their daughters into unwanted marriages.

“Why didn't you return Ernest's smiles tonight?”
Mamm
chided as the washroom door closed behind them. “Surely you noticed them.”

“How do you know I didn't return them?” Susanna asked.

“
Did
you?”
Mamm
said, searching for her shawl in the pile.

They both knew the answer. Susanna remained silent as they
slipped their shawls on and left.
Yah
, she had glanced once in Ernest's direction, but the memory of Joey and the
wunderbah
afternoon she had spent with him rushed into her mind, pushing thoughts of Ernest away. How could forbidden things bring such joy into her heart? She would think no more about Ernest Helmuth tonight. Instead, she would focus on the conversation
Daett
had promised would occur once they arrived back at the house. Likely
Daett
had another lecture ready for her, or some hint at what he had said to Ernest. What else could it be?

“Henry's buggy is over there. I'm going that way,” Susanna muttered before slipping away from
Mamm
into the darkness.

“See you at home,”
Mamm
called after her. “Wait up for us. Remember!”

Susanna kept her head down and didn't answer.
Mamm
knew she would obey. That much she could do.

Henry greeted her. “Hi, there. Your chariot is ready.”

Susanna chuckled in spite of herself. Henry's humor was always appreciated, especially in tense situations. She should keep him around for the rest of the evening, but that likely wasn't possible.

“I'm surprised Ernest doesn't have you in his buggy already,” Henry cracked. “I do declare, the man was sending longing looks your way all evening. I thought for sure he had a date up his sleeve.”

“Stop it,” Susanna scolded. “I'm going home with my handsome brother as I'm supposed to.”

“Woohoo!” Henry said with a low whistle. “I like that.”

He fastened the last tug and motioned for Susanna to climb into the buggy. She did, and Henry tossed her the lines. With a flourish Henry pulled himself up while Susanna held the reins tight.

Susanna sighed and settled into the buggy seat. She handed the reins over to Henry, and they took off down Bishop Enos's lane. Susanna caught sight of Ernest Helmuth's face in the yard as they
passed. The man had his head down and was headed for the barn. His two little girls hadn't been with him tonight. Maybe Henry had been right. Perhaps the man did have hopes that she would allow him to drive her home after the hymn singing.

“I just saw Ernest,” Henry said. “He'll be following us home, no doubt.”

“Stop teasing,” Susanna said.

“He's like a coonhound with his nose to the scent,” Henry added with a laugh.

Susanna stared out into the darkness and didn't respond. She pressed her hands together and listened to the steady beat of Ranger's hooves on the pavement. The turn onto Maple Ridge Road was a mile down, but she wished the ride would go for hours. Even with Henry's teasing, there was a measure of peace inside the buggy that likely wouldn't last once they arrived at the house.

“I think you deserve better,” Henry finally offered. “You should think about that.”

Susanna looked at him. “Really! So you're coming to your senses?”

Henry didn't laugh. “I don't mean Ernest. It's that Joey fellow who's beneath you. And there are other options beside Ernest,” he added. “I saw Emory Yoder making eyes at you a few months ago.”

“Stop it,” Susanna ordered.

“Would you accept a date if Emory asked to take you home?” Henry asked.

“I'm not responding to that,” Susanna told him.

“It's just as well,” Henry went on. “I don't think Emory is interested anyway once it comes right down to it.”

“Would you stop talking about me?” Susanna got in edgewise.