Up Close and Personal (33 page)

Dante felt a tremor of anxiety. ‘What things?’

She turned to face him, her eyes meeting his with a sad, quiet candour. ‘I married Gus Ingram ten years ago,’ she began in a faltering voice. ‘Our parents were friends and we’d known each other since childhood. Everyone told me what a good catch he was, and I must admit I thought the same. Gus was tall and good-looking and he had a high-flying job in a shipping firm. He was extremely charismatic too … the sort of person who could light up a room just by walking into it. At parties I always felt rather dull and mousey in comparison. Gus would be holding court as usual and I’d be looking on from the sidelines, the devoted little wife. I sometimes used to wonder why he married me when he could easily have found someone prettier and funnier and more outgoing.’ Juliet gave a wan half-smile. ‘The first few years of our marriage were very happy. Or, at least,
I
was happy. I can’t speak for Gus. We had a beautiful home, a great social life and we treated one another with respect. The only thing missing was children. Rather naively, I hadn’t broached the subject with Gus before we got married; I just assumed he wanted them. His parents were certainly very keen to have grandchildren; Eleanor was always dropping hints on the subject. Gus was an only child, you see, so they were relying on him to produce an heir.

‘It was just after my thirtieth birthday when I told Gus I wanted to come off the Pill. To my surprise, he violently opposed the idea. He said he wasn’t ready for children and
that he and I needed more time alone together as a couple. I was disappointed. I’d always wanted a big family and I thought the sooner we got cracking, the better, but when he asked me to wait a bit longer, I found myself agreeing … Gus could be very persuasive, you see.

‘Another eighteen months or so went past and it was around that time that our relationship started to change. We’d always had a healthy sex life, but that side of things began to tail off. Gus always had some excuse to hand – either he was tired, or under the weather, or he had an early start in the morning. He’d started going out in the evenings too, straight from work. It was only once a fortnight at first, but soon he was out a couple of times a week. If I asked him where he’d been, he’d say he was schmoozing business contacts or drinking with colleagues at his firm, but when he started coming home at two or three in the morning, I started to get suspicious. And then one day, when I was doing the laundry, I smelled perfume on one of his shirts. I thought it could only mean one thing.’

‘He was cheating on you?’ Dante said.

Juliet sighed. ‘Over the next few days, I set about searching for more evidence, and it wasn’t long before I found it – a half-empty pack of condoms pushed to the back of his desk drawer. As I said before, I was on the Pill, so I knew Gus must be having sex with someone else.’ She blinked hard several times. ‘He’d gone out that evening, supposedly with a lawyer friend, so I decided to wait up for him. I was in quite a state by the time he rolled home just after midnight, looking rather dishevelled and stinking of drink. I was sitting on the stairs and as soon as he walked through the front door I threw the condoms at him and demanded
to know if he was having an affair. He didn’t answer me at first. Instead he went to the snug and poured himself a brandy. I followed him and when I asked again if he’d spent the evening with another woman, he turned to me and said, almost matter-of-factly: “Actually, it was another man.” And then it struck me that the smell on his shirt hadn’t been perfume after all; it was aftershave.’

Dante stared at her, incredulous. ‘No way!’ he cried.

‘I realized then my marriage had been built on a lie,’ Juliet continued. ‘My husband was gay and he’d managed to fool not only me, but all our friends and family too.’

‘Jesus,’ Dante muttered under his breath.

‘As Gus sat there, drinking his brandy, it all came spilling out. The strain of keeping the secret had become too much for him; he just couldn’t hold it in any longer. Apparently, he’d known he was gay since he was fourteen years old. He knew his parents would be horrified, so he made up his mind never to tell them. As he got older, he started having casual sex with men he met in gay bars and clubs. But all the while no one close to him, not even his best friends, knew he was gay.’

‘But why didn’t he tell someone?’ Dante asked. ‘It’s not like being gay’s a big deal or anything.’

‘I think some of Piers and Eleanor’s ultra-conservative views had rubbed off on him. On the one hand, he loved the thrill of anonymous sex; on the other, he yearned for middle-class respectability. He really thought he could have his cake and eat it. So, when his parents started hinting that it was about time he started to think about settling down, he looked around for a suitable candidate. I suppose I fitted the bill perfectly: young, innocent, eager to please. I was
hugely flattered when Gus asked me out. He was considered a bit of a heart-throb and I was amazed he’d even look twice at me. When, eight months later, he asked me to marry him, I didn’t hesitate to say yes.’

The line of Dante’s mouth hardened. ‘But how could he do that to you … lie about his sexuality, I mean?’

‘He probably thought he was doing me a favour,’ Juliet replied. ‘And it’s true there were lots of advantages to marrying an Ingram – they’re one of the oldest families in Loxwood; people look up to them. Then there was Ashwicke, of course.’ She smiled thinly. ‘It just goes to show how little Gus knew me. Stuff like that isn’t important to me; it never has been.’

‘You must have freaked out when he told you the truth.’

‘I was utterly shell-shocked. Never, not for one minute, had I considered the possibility my husband might be gay,’ Juliet said. ‘When I found out, one of the first things I asked him was whether or not he loved me.’

‘What did Gus say?’

‘He admitted that, although he cared about me very deeply, he simply wasn’t capable of feeling romantic love for a woman.’

Dante felt a wave of sympathy for her. ‘And how did that make you feel?’

‘I was devastated; I told him there and then I wanted a divorce. That was when he made me an offer.’ Juliet looked down at her feet. ‘If I agreed to maintain the pretence of a happy marriage and keep quiet about his homosexuality, he would give me the one thing I longed for.’

‘What was that?’

‘A baby.’

Dante frowned. ‘And you accepted?’

‘Yes,’ Juliet replied. ‘Sex once a week. That was our agreement.’

Dante’s lip curled in distaste. ‘Why didn’t you just leave him and find someone else to have a baby with … someone who really cared about you?’

Juliet’s hands formed a knot. ‘Because, despite everything, I still had feelings for Gus. Some irrational part of me believed that if we had a baby it would make everything all right. I know that sounds pathetic, but my emotions were all over the place. It was as if a bomb had just exploded, destroying everything and everyone I held dear. I was desperate to salvage something from the wreckage. And so, together, we played a shabby, sordid farce before our friends and family. I hated myself for deceiving them, but I thought it would all be worthwhile once I held that baby in my arms. I was sure it was only a matter of time before I conceived, but months and months went by and I didn’t get pregnant.’

‘What about Gus?’ Dante asked. ‘Was he still sleeping with random guys?’

‘Yes, but he was very discreet and he swore to me on his mother’s life he always used protection.’ Juliet bit her lip. ‘Then one day something terrible happened. It was Nicole’s birthday and Yasmin and I were taking her out for afternoon tea at a smart hotel in town. On my way to meet them, I ran into Gus. He was sitting on the patio, drinking coffee and reading a newspaper. I remember him asking how long I was going to be. I told him several hours at least – possibly longer if we went for drinks afterwards.

‘It was a lovely day and I decided that, rather than drive,
I’d walk into town. I was almost there when I realized I’d left Nicole’s birthday present on the kitchen table. Cursing my stupidity, I turned round and headed back to the house. I’d been gone for less than half an hour.’ She paused and took a deep breath. ‘As I took a shortcut across the lawn, I noticed the door to the summerhouse was ajar. Assuming the wind had blown it open, I went over. I had some cane furniture stored in there and I didn’t want the rain getting in and ruining it. As I got nearer to the summerhouse, I glanced through the window and realized someone was inside.’ A flush rose to Juliet’s cheeks. ‘It was Gus and he was with another man. They were so engrossed in each other they didn’t see me standing there.’

‘What were they doing?’ Dante asked, though he wasn’t sure he really wanted to know the answer.

Juliet quivered. ‘They were lying on the floor on a pile of cushions, kissing. Both of them were naked.’

Dante gasped. ‘What did you do?’

‘I exploded; I couldn’t help myself. Having sex with a stranger in the toilets of some seedy nightclub was one thing. Bringing a man back to our home the minute my back was turned was quite another. I flung open the door of the summerhouse and screamed at the other man to get out. I must’ve been a pretty scary sight because he ran past me without even bothering to pick his shirt up off the floor. And then I was alone with Gus.’ Juliet caught her breath, as if reliving the memory. ‘He was mortified. He kept telling me over and over again how sorry he was, but I wouldn’t listen. I began hitting his chest with my fists, while I called him every name under the sun – and then, when I ran out of expletives, I threatened to tell Piers and Eleanor he
was gay. When he heard that, Gus went white as a sheet and begged me to reconsider. I could see the fear in his eyes and the beads of sweat on his forehead, but at that moment I didn’t give a toss about Gus’s feelings. All I wanted to do was hurt him the way he’d hurt me.
Just you try and stop me!
I screamed as I stormed out of the summerhouse.’

Dante looked at her. ‘Did you carry out your threat?’

‘No, and to be honest I never had any intention of telling Gus’s parents. It was just something I said in the heat of the moment. Afterwards, I went into town and had afternoon tea with Yasmin and Nicole while I tried to act as if nothing was wrong. I desperately wanted to confide in them, but a little voice in my head warned me not to. I was dreading going home and facing Gus, so after tea I persuaded the others to have cocktails in the hotel bar. By the time I got back, Gus had taken himself off to bed in one of the spare rooms. I didn’t see him, but I heard him snoring. And then, at some time between four and five a.m., he killed himself.’

For a long moment, the only sound in the room was Juliet’s ragged breathing. ‘If I close my eyes, I can still see him hanging from that tree,’ she said in a voice that was little more than a whisper.

Dante dragged the back of his hand across his mouth. ‘You don’t have to go on with this. I know it must be painful for you.’

‘Yes I do,’ Juliet said quietly. ‘I don’t want there to be secrets between us, not any more.’ She half turned towards the window. ‘When I realized there was nothing I could do for Gus, I went back to the house and called the police. And there, beside the phone, I found an envelope with
my name on it … a suicide note. In it, Gus apologized for being a terrible husband and expressed his regret for not being able to give me a baby. He said the strain of leading a double life had become too much to bear.’ She paused and took a few shallow breaths. ‘He asked me to do one last thing for him: protect his secret so that his parents would be spared what he called the “appalling truth”.’

‘And did you carry out his wishes?’ Dante asked.

Juliet nodded. ‘I burned the note in the sink. Later, when the police asked me what possible motive Gus would have for killing himself, I told them he’d been under a lot of pressure at work.’

‘Did they believe you?’

‘I think so. There was something else too … Unbeknown to me, Gus had recently been to see his GP, complaining of insomnia and feelings of anxiety. The doctor diagnosed mild depression and asked him to come back for further assessment two weeks later – but by then Gus was already dead. Even though there was no note, the coroner said the evidence was overwhelming. He had no hesitation in recording a verdict of death by suicide.’

‘So Gus’s parents still think he was straight?’

‘Yes,’ Juliet said. ‘After the inquest, I half expected one of his lovers to come crawling out of the woodwork, but none of them did.’

Dante let out a long breath. ‘I can’t believe you’ve been carrying that secret on your own all this time.’

‘It’s not as big a burden as the guilt I feel,’ Juliet said, digging the heels of her hands into her eyes. ‘I’ve never forgiven myself for what I said to Gus in the summerhouse.
If I’d only been a bit more understanding, he’d still be alive today.’

‘You mustn’t blame yourself,’ Dante said. ‘Gus was a grown man; he made his own decisions.’

‘I know that, but it doesn’t make the pain any easier to bear.’

Dante swallowed hard. ‘Are you saying that you’re still in love with him?’

‘God, no,’ Juliet said quickly. ‘By the time he died, Gus and I were nothing more than friends. Yes, we had our weekly sexual arrangement, but, believe me, there was nothing remotely romantic about it.’

Dante leaned back in his chair and groaned aloud in relief. ‘All this time I’ve been thinking you were still hung up on him,’ he said. ‘The way you kept the snug and Gus’s dressing room like some kind of shrine … It was as if you didn’t want to let him go.’

‘I think I was punishing myself,’ Juliet said. ‘Whenever I saw his things, it would remind me of what I’d done. It was part of the reason I couldn’t bear to sell Ashwicke – that and the knowledge that Eleanor would never forgive me.’

Dante rose to his feet and walked over to her. ‘I think you’ve punished yourself enough,’ he said. ‘It’s time to start over.’ He reached out and drew her to him. For several minutes they stood there, their bodies pressed tightly together. Dante’s heart was light and free. He wasn’t jealous of Gus any more. He didn’t hate him. He no longer felt inadequate and unworthy. ‘I love you, Juliet,’ he whispered into her hair. ‘I love you and I always will.’