Authors: Marie Lavender
Fara cleared her throat. “
Tante
Lina, attend me…”
Her aunt sat up from murmuring playful words to the boy. “Of course,
chère
. Take over please, Francoise.”
“
Oui, Madame
.” The nursemaid knelt to encourage the boy in his imaginings.
“How can I help you, Fara?”
“I have one question. I know I have asked you before, but I have never understood.” She lowered her voice so as not to arouse Gabriel's interest. “You seem all right with events, yet you have never taken a lover or married again. Have there not been ample opportunities?”
“
Oui, chère
. I have had offers for this very prospect.”
“And you have refused?”
“My answer has been 'no'.”
Fara licked her dry lips. “These men have been unattractive?”
She laughed. “No,
chère
, quite attractive. But my reasons are like yours.”
Fara shook her head. “If I am not mistaken, I have been given reason to presume that males and females have similar physical needs.”
“You are not mistaken.”
“Then why not take a lover? I would not condemn you, nor would society, in that case.”
She sighed. “As I have said,
chère
, our reasons are similar…”
“I am
not
speaking of me. I am asking for your reasons.”
The woman smiled. “How did your uncle take this quality of yours?” she queried, giggling a little.
Fara arched an eyebrow, assuming that her aunt spoke of her stubborn disposition. “He was not a fan of it. In fact, I believe he was not aware of it until just before he died.”
She nodded. “I say we are similar,
chère
, because you have neither taken a lover nor decided to marry since Gabe was born.”
Her face tightened. “The offers have not been to my liking…”
“I believe you, Fara, but I also believe there is more to it. Our reasons are one in the same. My husband Marc, God rest his soul, was a very good man and good to me. I loved him dearly. Not only did I love him…I was
in
love with him,
chère
. When he died, I knew that was it. I knew he was the only man I ever loved or would ever love.
“You speak of lovers and such. I have no need for this. I live on memories, Fara, of a love given and returned in full. I live knowing I need no more than the experience of having known him, even if it was for a short five years. We loved one another very much. It is enough,
chère
. Am I right to say Grant Hill is a man not to be forgotten, his touch and his kisses, even his character to be remembered forever? Am I right to say he was the only man you ever loved and the only one you see fit to be Gabe's father?”
Those questions burned fires of pain and truth in her. “I am sorry,
Tante
,” she whispered as she lowered her eyes to the floor. “I should not have wondered.”
“And why not, Fara? You have a right to know just as the men who give me offers deserve to know why I have no need of their services.”
Regaining her composure, she asked, “Do you feel you would be betraying him or dishonoring his memory by doing that? By accepting a lover?”
“No. Marc would want my happiness. He would want me to go on. But,
chère
, loving him was enough. I don't feel I need to continue with another man when my life has always been right here, especially with you and Gabriel as family. I am content as I could ever be.” She sighed. “But, I will put the same question to you. Would you be betraying him if you married another man?”
“I do not know,
Tante
Lina. He asked me to wait for him. But, he also said he would not blame me if I did go on…”
“The man sounds confused. Yet men say foolish things in painful times.” She smiled. “And what of you,
chère
? It
is
about you and your life.”
“It is sad, but I cannot imagine loving another man after having known Grant.”
She nodded. “It seems I am right in my assumption then, but I will not worry you with it. Love is insanity, is it not? But it is also beautiful. If memory is enough for us,
chère
, then so be it.”
Fara frowned. “And then there is Gabriel to think about. His happiness and safety mean so much more than mine…he needs a father.”
“But, it
is
your decision, Fara.”
“I know, and that is what frightens me the most.” She was afraid Gabe would never have a father because of her. In four years, she had become a fiercely independent woman, at least where men were concerned. She did not need another man to control her life.
“You could consider taking a husband for Gabriel's sake, of course. Your dowry is certainly substantial enough to entice a man, not to mention your obvious favors. There could be a new beginning for you. Your husband may choose to live in New Orleans, in America, where your uncle provided an estate for you. But, again, the decision is yours, Fara.” The middle-aged woman managed a smile. “It is certainly all right to choose not to marry, and instead wait. In a couple of years, you will have your dowry to yourself.”
That night, the conversation with Lina spurred more questions. Tossing in her bedclothes, she sighed in frustration. She had brought this on herself. Grant would have married her; he had even offered to do so. She could have taken his name for the sake of honor and protection. She might not have had to face this much if she had only turned into the man's widow, his wife as he left both she and her child in France. But, she could never be for certain. Grant was still on the seas, searching for safety in some way. Perhaps he was still the runaway captain after four years. But then, he just might only be a corpse in the waters of the Caribbean or some far away ocean.
Sometimes it was easier to think of him dead. It made more sense to cherish the moments before his departure, to feel how much she still loved him, rather than think she had felt nothing. It was more difficult to entertain the notion that he might have used her as a man uses a woman. To think that he had escaped the hold of French officials without another thought to her safety or future comforts was not something she wished to entertain. Other than the money he had provided for her, he had left her little else. God help her, she still loved him and that kind of arrow through the heart would never ease her mind, even if she did feel like cursing him at times.
Chapter Seventeen
One afternoon as Fara leafed through documents on a desk in the library, she found a deed to the house and legal papers consisting of arrangements made before she went to live with her uncle. It seemed her Aunt Lina had been left in a secure manner. Her husband had written the house and its possessions over to her as well as giving her a sufficient sum of money to keep her comfortable for years to come. It was unlikely that her aunt would ever need to remarry in order to regain social status.
Monsieur
Devereux had certainly provided for his wife in all things.
Love was a beautiful if not uncommon occurrence. Though she felt adored by her aunt and Gabriel of course, she was not sure she would ever feel complete and loved in a romantic sense. Her uncle's will had given her the right to marry whomever she chose since Nicholas had destroyed the chance to woo her into any kind of engagement.
She was not sure the option could ever be taken lightly. It would only ever be for love; she reminded herself of the vow she'd claimed in Grant's presence. And she could never marry just any man. He would have to be willing to accept Gabriel as his own. He would have to provide a good life for the family and be kind and generous to her as well. And loving. She clenched her jaw and struggled to forget the love she'd felt with Grant. His gentle ways at times even when at others he could drive her crazy. He was not a man one could forget easily. Four long years had taught her that.
But, who was she kidding? What were the chances that she would find a man with those qualities who could love her son as much as he loved her? Most of the suitors she'd been in contact with even after Grant's disappearance had been dazzled by her looks and not by her mind. All she wanted was someone who could understand her, appreciate her inside and out, and want to spend the rest of eternity with her. Was that too much to ask?
She supposed it was in this society. Money and a good reputation were the only two qualities most women sought in male prospects. Diversely, men looked for beauty, good breeding and a mild-mannered disposition. She was anything but mild when it came down to what she believed in. It was a harsh reality for some wives. A limiting reality. For women whose husbands were less dominant, it was still better if their wives kept their opinions to themselves and raised the children without questioning any aspect of everyday life. It was a highly limiting circumstance for the average woman with good social bearing. Surely marriage could not be all that desirable unless the right man was involved. Those chances were slim indeed. And she could not be definite that she would want someone else after knowing Grant.
Indeed, she had changed since she had met him all those years ago. Besides being a mother, she had taken to reading every book she could get her hands on, even the ones that were less interesting. How many women of her station could say they were self-educated?
And strangely, since she had come to live with her aunt when Gabe was a small seed in her belly, she had acquired a certain skill with numbers and Lina had relinquished the obligation of keeping the records to her discretion. Fara often helped her aunt with the weekly budget and kept track of her expenses so that they could be reported to her accountant. Not many men would expect or appreciate this ability in marriage.
Her gaze went to the newspaper on the desk, one of the headlines recounting the International Exposition of 1867 once more. The World's Fair, held in Paris at that time, had been immensely popular, and people were still exclaiming over its magnificence. Napoleon himself had attended the festivities to welcome like rulers and other illustrious men. It was said Jules Verne, the writer, had even gone to the
Exposition Universelle.
Fara smiled wryly. Though she hadn't attended herself, some of the inventions were illustrated in detail to this day. With over 50,000 exhibitors, there had been much to see. She was just as fascinated as the next person to see what people were capable of creating. Her curiosity at such things was another trait she needed to be appreciated for. Why did it seem that most men failed to value a woman for her mind?
“
Mademoiselle
?”
Fara raised her head to see the butler. “
Oui
?”
“A man is here to see you. He is waiting in the parlor.”
“Thank you.” As he left the room, Fara pushed the chair back and rose. Perhaps it was her aunt's accountant who often came to talk about her finances, but it was odd that he would not send a note first. No, it was probably not him. Perhaps it was the lawyer.
In two years, Fara would have the access to her own dowry if she did not marry. It would have to be enough. And then, of course, there was the money Grant had left, which she had rarely touched for fear that doing so would be like acknowledging his absence. Or his possible death.
Fara sighed and walked down the hallway to the parlor. When she opened the door, her heart thudded hard in her chest and her breath came in small gasps. His outline was too familiar. In an attempt to cover her response, she cleared her throat.
When he heard her behind him, he turned. “You look well, Fara.”
Her tongue went still and she could find no words. She just stared at him. The years had only proved to make him all the more attractive. He still looked the respectable gentleman, only his hair was slightly longer. He stood tall, like the captain he was, before the fireplace, studying the family portraits they'd had done. She finally found her voice. “And you too, Grant. You look well.”
“
Merci
,” he said politely, and then his tone changed. “But, I feel far from it...”
“What do you mean?”
“What in God's name do you think I mean? I'm home, Fara, after so long and no greeting? Nothing.”
She fought her tears by degrees. “I was not aware you'd come back. This comes to me a surprise as well.”
“Well...that's a perfectly logical explanation.”
It was a normal reply, yet it had an undertone of cynicism. She wondered what was wrong with him. “
Oui
, it is.”
“But...it does not explain the fact that you broke a promise. A promise you made before I left, Fara!”
Her eyes widened in fear, for his tone was unlike any she had heard from a man in a while. What was he talking about? “Grant!”
He sighed, defeated. “You are married,
oui
?”
She frowned. “Why would you even
think
such a thing?”
“You have a son by the name of Gabriel. I have seen him in town and his resemblance to you is unmistakable. I asked and was told he was your son. If that's any indication--”
She had foreseen this kind of reaction. She stepped forward with her fists clenched. “Stop it! I've not been waiting for you this long in order for you to rush to these kinds of conclusions.”
“Waiting?” His eyes narrowed on her face. “You're not married or betrothed...”
She shook her head. “No, I'm quite happily unmarried. I'm very unattached, if you care to know.”
“Happily?”
“With a few exceptions.”
“And the child? He is illegitimate? I would not think you the type, but then you still surprise me.”
“If you cared to look close enough, you might've seen a few similarities.”
“I have. He has his mother's hair and her flair for the extravagant.”
She rolled her eyes. “
Mon Dieu
...can you be such a dunce? Did you perchance have a good look at Gabriel's eyes? Did you consider his age?”
He stiffened. “What do you mean? No, I did not notice his eyes.”
“Then you will be patient whilst I ring for my son. Francoise!”
A small woman appeared shortly in the doorway. “
Mademoiselle
? Is anything wrong?”
“Francoise, could you please find my son?”
“Of course, I believe
Monsieur
Gabriel is playing in the yard. I will fetch him. Is that all?”
“
Oui
. And if you wouldn't mind, could you please inform
Madame
Devereux that
Monsieur
Hill has finally showed up on my very doorstep? She will know what I mean. That is all.” The woman curtsied and left the room.
“Fara, what in God's name is this all about? Is
Madame
Devereux still caring for you after all this time? You told her of the relation, I presume? I saw the pictures.”
“Fortunately,
Tante
Lina already knew about it. It happened to be in my uncle's will when she received it. Just the way we were told it would happen.”
“Hmm. How very...convenient for you.”
She didn't like the seething tone she heard in his voice, but had no choice but to bide her time. She felt like hitting him, but first of all, he had to know about their son. “
Oui
,” she agreed. She threw her hands up in despair. “
Mon Dieu
, you are such a hypocrite. I remember you saying right before you left that you would not blame me if I moved on, if I found someone else who could give me everything I needed.”
His eyes narrowed. “You were not supposed to hear that.”
“Well, I did. And I did not break your sacred promise.” She knew her tone was just as seething as his had been, but the man had set her emotions reeling again. It amazed her how one moment she could love him completely and the next be so frustrated with him that she wanted to strangle him. Even after so long.
“
Maman
?”
She turned to see the small boy of three and some years. “Gabe, come here.” When he did, she cupped his face and smiled. “We have a visitor, Gabriel. Have you seen him before?”
The boy looked from Grant to his mother. “
Oui
,
Maman
. I saw him in town this morning. He looked at me as if he saw me before. But, I never did.” He frowned as the adults observed him in silence. “
Maman
?”
She laughed softly. “I must ask a favor of you, Gabe. One small thing,
ma chère
. If you would please approach
Monsieur Hill
so that he may have a good look at you…”
“
Oui
,
Maman
.” He then went to Grant, hesitating, but stood his ground.
Fara smiled, for she'd always known Gabe had had his father's courage. “His eyes, Grant? Even his face? And the years that have gone by?” She watched as Grant went to one knee to look more closely at the boy.
“
Maman
...” He fidgeted nervously.
“One moment, Gabriel. Don't be afraid.”
Grant studied the child for several moments before surprise crossed his features. “Fara...” he breathed incredulously.
“Run along now, Gabe. Francoise may fetch you for dinner shortly.”
“
Oui, Maman
.” The boy bounded from the room.
Fara watched him retreat, pride in her eyes. “I fear I may have some explaining to do. After all, I've evaded the subject this long. After a certain age, a boy begins to wonder about his father and it's important that he know. In fact, he's already asked me once...” She lifted her head to study his expression. Amazement then regret came over his features. “You couldn't have stayed, Grant. Don't be too hard on yourself. I took care of our son...it was the least I could do.”
He rose to his full height and approached her slowly. “You should have told me...” He grasped her arms in a grip conveying self-conflict.
“It would have changed nothing.”
“It would have changed everything, Fara, and you well know it.”
“You would have left anyway.”
“Yes, but I might have wed you immediately. I would--”
“Perhaps, but you would have worried for a wife and a child. You had obligations and I couldn't bother you with that kind of burden.”
He lifted a brow. “You thought it best I not know.”
“I wanted you to know, but I would have put all of us in danger because I knew other things...”
He frowned. “What...other things?”
“Does it really matter?” She sighed. “You seemed very surprised by Gabe. Understandable, but surely you didn't think there wouldn't be any consequences of our relationship.”
He looked uncomfortable. “Honestly I never thought that far ahead. I guess I never thought about what could happen. I was simply in the moment with you.” He looked her over intently. “Did you not feel the same?”
He had been in the moment; he never said anything more about his feelings. She tried to refrain from gritting her teeth. “Of course. But, when I found out I was with child, it didn't surprise me too much. I figured I deserved it for being naïve about everything.”
“What do you mean?”
“I was naïve about that, of course. Also, I was naïve about you.”
“Fara, my feelings were always genuine for you. I never took advantage of you.”