Urban Tantra: Sacred Sex for the Twenty-First Century (13 page)

Part three
(
ten to twenty minutes
). Keeping your eyes closed, sit or lie down and be still.

Some people feel nauseous when they whirl. If you know this happens to you, simply dance without whirling. If you become uncomfortably nauseous while whirling, proceed to part three and lie on your stomach. Focus on your heartbeat and breathe. The feeling of nausea while whirling usually dissipates with practice.

Cathartic Meditation

The Cathartic Meditation is more energetic and chaotic than the Exhilaration Meditation. It is a great way to begin your day. It is also remarkably effective for throwing off the cumulative physical and psychic effects of a workweek in the big city. Just make sure you have a relatively empty stomach. This meditation is best done with eyes closed or wearing a blindfold.

Part one
(
four to ten minutes
). Breathe forcefully and rapidly through the nose, focusing on the exhalation. The inhalation will happen automatically. This is very similar to the Breath of Fire, but in this case your breath can be more chaotic. Allow your body to move with your breath and use those natural body movements to help you build up your energy. The purpose of this part is to build energy that you will release in the next part.

Part two
(
four to ten minutes
). Release your inner two-year-old! Clench your fists and jump up and down while yelling “NO!” with each jump. After several minutes of “NO!” unclench your fists and raise your open hands to shoulder height. Keep jumping, but this time yell “YES!” on each jump. Yell “YES!” with the same force and intensity that you have been yelling “NO!”

Part three
(
four to ten minutes
). Release your inner kung fu fighter. Stand in a power stance with knees bent and feet a bit more than shoulder distance apart. Tilt your pelvis back and tighten your abdominal muscles and your buttocks until you feel strong and invincible. Now throw karate chops in front of you, releasing a powerful karate yell with each karate chop.

Part four
(
four to fifteen minutes
). Stop! Immediately place your body in a manageable sitting or standing pose and then do not move. Do not rearrange your body, just let it be. Focus on your breath or on your heartbeat. Simply witness whatever happens.

Part five
(
four to ten minutes
). Laugh. Begin with a smile. Let the smile grow wider until it becomes a giggle. Let the giggle grow until it becomes laughter. Then let the laughing laugh you. Become laughter.

The Silent Scream

If you just need to scream and you live in a building where that will produce a call to 911, try screaming underwater. Fill your bathtub with nice warm water, get in, put your face in the water, and scream away. Even someone in the next room probably won’t hear you. And you’ll feel so much better. (Just remember not to inhale while your head is underwater.)

You can do the Cathartic Meditation without risking eviction for noise violations with these modifications: in part two, yell “NO!” and then “YES” silently inside yourself; and in part three, you can throw karate chops with a sharp exhale instead of a yell.

There are other simple and very effective cathartic meditations. One is pillow beating. If you are feeling angry at someone or something, beat a pillow. If you let your pillow thrashing be a meditation, the anger will turn into a kind of energy phenomenon. You may feel silly, you may feel sad, you may feel elated. You may even have an angergasm. Whatever happens, the anger will be transformed and you will feel calmer and more centered.

These active mediations will not eliminate
all
of your negative feelings. That’s fine. You don’t
need
to eliminate all negative feelings in order to make love consciously. Heck, if we all waited to have sex until we felt perfectly blissful, we’d never fuck at all! What active meditations will do for you is open you up and relax you so that your feelings are not so stuck and binding. When your energy is flowing and your mind is quiet, it doesn’t matter so much
what
you are feeling; it only matters that you
are
feeling. And remember: feeling
silly
is a perfectly lovely doorway to feeling
sexy
.

Even a short active meditation will sensitize not only your emotional body but also your physical body. You may notice that you have more feeling in your hands or in parts of your body that seemed numb before you did the meditation. This alive, awake, sensitive state is ideal for learning and practicing a kind of touching that can make your insides melt. Let’s explore the deep deliciousness of conscious touch.

Sex, whether Tantric or not, involves touch. Lots of touch. Traditional sex guides usually discuss which body part to touch, when to touch it, and how fast to touch it. This is great, as far as it goes. But in Tantra, we want to go a step further. We want to
become
the touch. In order to do that, we need to find the narrow realm of touch that lies between too much pressure and too little. When you touch the body, you want to touch deeply enough that the body pushes back just a little. If a muscle becomes rigid under your touch, you’ve gone too far. If the muscle feels flaccid, you haven’t gone far enough.

The Resilient Edge of Resistance

This is the essence of conscious touch. It was named the Resilient Edge of Resistance by my endlessly inventive teaching partner, Chester Mainard. If the concept of the Resilient Edge of Resistance sounds complicated or vague, think about all the times you’ve been touched. What does it feel like when someone’s touch is too tentative? It may feel like an annoying tickle, or—if they are using the tips of their fingers—it may feel like poking. Either way, it feels just plain icky. At the other end of the spectrum, some people’s touch is way too intense. Have you ever received a massage by someone with a really heavy touch? Your muscles tense and contract as if trying to push their hands away. You get more and more tense as they try to force your muscles to relax. It is painful and not at all relaxing. Then there’s the touch that is just right. It feels safe and supportive and present. It’s neither too hard nor too soft. It lulls you into a place of deep comfort and surrender. You’re awake and aware, but completely peaceful and relaxed at the same time. You want it to go on forever. The person touching you has found your Resilient Edge of Resistance.

Place your hand on your lower arm very lightly. Don’t apply any pressure. Notice what this feels like. Now massage your arm, applying increasingly more pressure. Stop at the point where the massage becomes painful. Notice what this feels like. Now lighten your touch until you find the point at which your arm yields to your touch but
does not shrink away from it. You might find it with a massage stroke using your fingers, or just by holding your arm.

I’ve always thought a good illustration of the edge of resistance is the tummy touch on the Pillsbury doughboy in those television commercials. When the doughboy is touched on his tummy, he absorbs the touch (the finger makes a little dimple on his tummy); then his doughy tummy springs right back, and the doughboy giggles. That’s the Resilient Edge of Resistance.

This same dynamic applies to all parts of our being: physical, emotional, and psychic. When we have too much mental stress in our lives, we shut down, overwhelmed; yet when there is too little stress, we have no energy, no motivation. On the psychic level, the Resilient Edge of Resistance translates into “sufficiently supported to take a risk.” Without risk, there is no growth or energy; however, without support, risk becomes recklessness. In the territory between, we can grow, thrive, and find pleasure. We function optimally at the Resilient Edge of Resistance.

The Resilient Edge of Resistance shifts constantly. When pressure is applied to the edge of resistance—whether that pressure is breath, touch, or tension—you expand a bit. This creates a new edge of resistance. Yoga postures are a good example of this. If you are seated on the floor and bend over to try to touch your forehead to your legs, it may at first seem impossible. Then, with each breath, you relax into the stretch a little bit more. You don’t force it, you just open up a bit more with each breath. Before you know it, your nose is a lot closer to your legs than you ever thought possible. By staying at the Resilient Edge of Resistance, you are able to go much deeper into the pose than if you had not gone to the edge, or if you had pushed past the edge into pain. The Resilient Edge of Resistance is the place where you feel safe enough to surrender and go deeper.

Sex that is too soft is vapid; sex that is too hard is assaulting. We want to learn to dance on the Resilient Edge of Resistance because that’s where the real pleasure is. When we reach that level of pleasure, gateways open to even more profound discoveries and connections.

Most people touch the way they like to be touched, which may not be how someone else likes to be touched at all. For example, you may go all melty and shivery when someone lightly runs their fingernails along the inside of your thighs. Quite naturally, you’ll want your partner to feel as yummy as you do, so you’ll touch him the same way. However, he may find that light, feathery touch ticklish and annoying. So how do you learn to recognize the Resilient Edge of Resistance? Your hands and your intuition will guide you, but your best guide is the person you are touching. Ask your partner to tell you when a touch is too hard or too light. When you get feedback, you can easily
make an adjustment, and your hands will memorize it. With practice, your hands will know what the Resilient Edge of Resistance feels like on more and more places on the body, and your touch will become as perfect as that of the lady whose fingertip poked the tummy of the Pillsbury doughboy.

Here are a few exercises to help you write the Resilient Edge of Resistance into your muscle memory:

* Hug someone. Find a connection that is neither too smothering nor too wimpy.

* Set the temperature of your bath or shower water to the point where any hotter would be too hot and any colder would be too cold.

* Give yourself a massage with body cream. Go slowly and find the Resilient Edge of Resistance on your legs, your arms, your belly, and your breasts.

* Give and receive a hand massage.

* Get a massage. Explain the concept of the Resilient Edge of Resistance to your masseuse. With her agreement, give feedback to keep the masseuse’s touch at your edge.

* Give a massage. Ask the receiver to give you feedback to keep your touch at their Resilient Edge of Resistance.

* Practice by petting a cat or a dog. Pets give great feedback. If they stick around and beg for more, you’ve found their Resilient Edge of Resistance.

* Find the Resilient Edge of Resistance in stillness. Stillness is extremely powerful. Put your hands on someone so that you can feel both resilience and resistance. Embrace them with your hands.

The Resilient Edge of Resistance
Applies to More Than Touch

Although the Resilient Edge of Resistance is a concept most easily applied to touch, all of your relating with a lover (including yourself) can take place in the lovely realm between too much pressure and too little. Let me give you an example. Several years ago, I met my adorable and adoring partner, Kate, at a most intense time in my life. I was breaking up with one lover, involved with two others in a three-way, long-distance relationship, and packing up my New York City home to move to Australia. Not a day went by that I wasn’t saying goodbye to someone or something that had been a hugely
important part of my life. The stress was high as an elephant’s eye, and I was starting to crack under the pressure and grief and drama of it all.

One afternoon, Kate and I started to make love. She was touching me lightly and lovingly, and it should have been wonderful, but it wasn’t. I couldn’t stand it—I wanted to punch her. Of course, it wasn’t her fault. I usually loved a light, elegant touch. After all, I was the queen of ostrich feather caresses and silky, sensuous massages. But today it just wasn’t working for me at all. Kate, both a very experienced S/M player and a very intuitive lover, said, “Do you think you might like something a little harder?”