Urban Tantra: Sacred Sex for the Twenty-First Century (34 page)

The Cervix
. The cervix is the narrow outer end of the uterus, located at the upper rear of the vagina. Some women who have a cervix like to have it pushed against. But even if a person with a pussy does not have a cervix, she may still like a thrusting stroke. Ask before you thrust. Go easier during menstruation.

Twist and Shout

Twist and Shout
. Using one, two, or three fingers, penetrate in and out while twisting at the wrist. Your knuckles will roll past her G-spot. Twist and shout is a thrusting stroke, and thrusting strokes increase energy. Remind her about Kegels—they make it even more energizing. If she is breathing and moving her pelvis, she may be meeting your hand halfway; you won’t have to do much except twist your hand and meet her.

The Healing Thrust
. This is a perfect stroke to alternate with twist and shout. It is the same thrust, without the twist. She may like this thrust slow, deep, and hard, or fast and shallow. Ask her to be specific. Many women have experienced penetration they felt they
had no control over or penetration they did not want. This conscious penetration, which she can control with her feedback, may be empowering and healing, or just plain feel wonderful. Be sure to encourage her to breathe and relax.

Filled with Love

Filled with Love
(
a.k.a. fisting
). Some people with pussies might enjoy having a whole fist inside their vagina. Make sure she is very relaxed and breathing deeply. Start with two fingers, and then add a third. Tuck your thumb under all four fingers and curl your fingers inward. This stroke is not a thrusting motion; it’s a twist. You’ll know pretty quickly whether your hand will slide in past your knuckles or not. If it doesn’t, stop. If it does, stop when you are inside. Just stop and be still. Bring your awareness to your breath. Appreciate that feeling of going back to the womb. This stroke works wonders to relax the whole pelvis and builds a lot of life/sex energy. Try it with your other hand under her tailbone, or while massaging her abdomen with your other hand.

Stillness
. Hold completely still while your hand or fingers are inside her vagina. Don’t move; just be there; meditate.

Rock and Roll

This section of the massage uses a vibrator. A battery-operated vibrator is neither strong nor subtle. Rechargeable vibrators may lose their charge before you are finished. A
vibrator that plugs into the wall is the way to go. To maintain safer-sex protocol, put a large latex glove over the head of a large vibrator, and plastic wrap on the handle. You can use condoms for wand-type vibrators; roll the condom down the shaft.

Think of the vibrator as an extension of your hands. In all the following strokes, feel for that Resilient Edge of Resistance. Too much pressure with the vibrator will hurt, but too little feels annoying.

Start at the bottoms of her feet, and move up her legs. Then vibrate her chakras. At the first chakra, place your hand between the vibrator and her pussy. Then move up to her belly, her solar plexus, then her heart and nipples. Anytime you are using the vibrator over a bony area, put your hand between the vibrator and her body. This is especially important around the throat. (You may want to vibrate the throat chakra by placing the vibrator—at slow speed—at the back of her neck.) Vibrate the center of her forehead and the top of her head.

Now vibrate her inner thighs and around her outer labia to get her used to the sensation of the vibrator and to tease her unmercifully.

Vibrate around the Clit Clock
. Place the vibrator on top of your lubricated forefinger and place your finger at twelve, three, six, and nine o’clock.

Vibrate the Clitoris
. Some women don’t like the vibrator directly on the clitoris. You can use a finger beneath the vibrator; or you can apply the vibrator to one side of her clit. Use enough lube to make sure the vibrator glides easily.

The Vibrating Doorbell
. Press, release, press, release with the vibrator on her vulva and clitoris.

Vibrate the Vaginal Opening
. Place the head of the vibrator at the vaginal opening.

As She Likes It
. Ask her how and where she’d like her vibrations.

Freestyle
. By this time, the energy will probably be rocketing along nicely. Remind her to breathe. Use whole-hand strokes to spread the energy around her body, and just try to keep up with her. This section of the massage can get loud and wild and crazy. (Don’t you just love that?) She may have an orgasm, or several; she may not. There is no goal. You are using breath and erotic energy in whatever form it chooses to take to charge of the body. Let whatever happens happen. Simply focus on building and circulating as much sexual energy as possible.

The Clench and Hold

When her body is fully charged with breath and sexual energy, it’s time for the Clench and Hold. Invite her to take about thirty fast, full breaths and then three big, deep breaths. She holds the third deep breath and tenses every muscle in her body, especially her buttocks and abdomen.

Remember, there are a number of ways to do this clench. She can

* Press downward onto the massage table or floor with her hands and shoulders, head and butt, and legs and feet

* Extend her body outward as far as it can go, reaching for the opposite walls with her feet and her hands

* Pull in toward the center of her body as hard as she can, first clenching her abdominal muscles, and then pulling the rest of her body in toward her abs

When she takes the third deep breath, remove your hands and the vibrator. Count silently to fifteen, and then tell her to let go and relax.

Now What?

This is the most profound portion of the massage, for both giver and receiver. If you have been giving the massage, sit or stand nearby quietly and breathe. Don’t talk to your partner or touch her. Just let her be for fifteen to thirty minutes. Notice how you are feeling. Although you will want to keep some of your awareness on your partner, use this time for yourself as well. What was your experience? Although there is no goal in this massage, the emphasis is on going into a new place of meditation and relaxation within ourselves, and this can be true for the giver as well as the receiver.

If the receiver indicates that she wants to be covered up, gently fold the sheet around her. She may want her face covered. For some women, this feels like being held safely in the arms of mother earth; for others it may feel like a tomb. Everyone’s experience of this process will be different. There is no right or wrong way to feel. Some women who receive this massage may not feel very much the first time. Some may need more time to work with the conscious breath techniques and practice receiving in order to relax and receive pleasure. Some women, especially those who have been sexually abused, may cry or feel angry or numb. Allow whatever needs to happen to happen. She may laugh or cry or yell, or lie there so still and peacefully that she looks
as if she has died. Resist the temptation to hug her or comfort her unless she specifically asks you to.

When she indicates that she is ready to move, help her roll onto her side, and eventually to sit up. Remember that you have been spreading her energy and her juices around her body. To maintain safer-sex protocol, do not touch her until she has had a shower or unless you are still wearing (or have put on a fresh pair of) gloves. If you want to hug as she gets off the table, make sure her sheet is between you.

This erotic massage is a healing and clearing process. Many women report feeling more sensitive for a few days after receiving this massage. Some feel great, some cry more easily, some notice that they feel all their emotions more intensely, and some feel relaxed and energized. Be gentle with her and be gentle with yourself.

You have just experienced a new and powerful way of relating erotically: an experience of pure giving and pure receiving. Take some time to express gratitude to your partner for sharing this experience with you, and communicate something of what the experience was like for you. Try to avoid slipping back into old patterns. If you were the one receiving, don’t immediately start thinking of what you can do for your partner. If you were the one giving, don’t quiz your partner on how you could have done it better. Speak from your heart. Use the time and your experience to deepen and expand your own lives and to grow in your relating with each other.

The Erotic Awakening Massage for people with penises begins much like the massage for people with pussies. After all, both pussies and penises are connected to bodies, minds, and spirits, all of which get attended to in the course of this massage. But as explained in
chapter 16
, this version of the massage is designed to prevent ejaculation, creating deeper (and even multiple) orgasms.

If you haven’t already, please read the sections called “Setting Up” and “Connecting” in
chapter 17
. Prepare a serene space with soft lighting, fresh air, and nice music. Gather the things you’ll need: latex or vinyl gloves, condoms, lube, and massage oil or cornstarch. Connect with each other before you begin to touch. You can ask yourself and each other, “What wants to be spoken now so that we can both surrender to the massage when the touching begins?”

Here is a special note for the person receiving: Please remember that, although it is the job of the person giving the massage to ask what you would like and how you would like it, it is also your job to tell them. Receiving is not a passive activity. This massage is a process you are participating in, not something someone is doing to you. It is your responsibility to say “a little harder,” “a little softer,” “a little more to the right,” and of course, “ooh, that’s nice.” And givers, sometimes when the receiver says “not so hard” or “a little to the left,” you may think, “Oh, I have done something wrong.” No, you haven’t. Don’t take it personally; simply do what they ask. In fact, it’s nice to say “thank you” whenever you get feedback. The thank-you honors the receiver for naming his desire.

Although this erotic massage will focus on his cock, you will want to remember to spread his sexual energy all throughout his body and, in particular, you will want to open the energy channel between his cock and his heart. The natural heart/cock
connection is often damaged in the process of growing up male in the Western world, where men are encouraged to act more from the first and second chakras than the heart chakra. Only in the last couple of decades has the archetype of the sensitive New Age guy become acceptable, and even then, just barely. This massage can be a great healer of the heart/cock schism.

The style of this erotic massage for people with penises is to build up energy in the cock with specific cock strokes and then distribute that energy throughout the body. From the cock, we will bring energy into the belly and the heart and then distribute it from these centers into the arms and legs. By bringing sexual energy away from the cock and into the rest of the body, we charge the entire body with sexual energy while avoiding ejaculation. Remember, we are not trying to avoid orgasm—only ejaculation, which would deplete the sexual energy.