Urban Tantra: Sacred Sex for the Twenty-First Century (23 page)

* Hearing a lover say sexy things to you

* Being stroked seductively

If you picked watching the striptease, you are most likely a visual person. If you chose having sexy little somethings whispered into your ear, you are probably auditory. And if being stroked slowly and seductively does it for you, you are most likely kinesthetic.

Each of us has a sense through which we prefer to take in and process the information we receive from the world around us. Some people process information in pictures and images, others in sounds. Still others perceive sensuality chiefly through physical sensations. For example, if three people with different sensual preferences went shopping for a new television set, one person’s choice would be most influenced by what the television looked like (visual); another would be more impressed by the features as described by the salesperson (auditory); and the third shopper would only buy after being able to play with the remote control (kinesthetic).

The preference we use when we process information is likely to be our sensual preference as well. Knowing which sense you prefer makes giving yourself pleasure more intense and rewarding. It also makes relating to lovers so much simpler! For example, let’s assume Jamie is a visual person. Her partner, Taylor, is kinesthetic and comes home anticipating a cuddly, sexy evening. Taylor cuddles up behind Jamie, who is working at the computer. Taylor strokes Jamie’s hair and kisses her on the neck. Jamie is not seduced. In fact, Jamie finally bursts out with, “Not now. Can’t you see I’m working? All you ever want is sex.” Presuming Jamie and Taylor have a loving relationship and that Taylor is really not a sex maniac, what might have happened here? Taylor, being kinesthetic, approached Jamie the way Taylor would like to be approached—with touch. If Taylor had instead presented Jamie, who is visual, with a beautiful handmade
card and some flowers, Jamie’s reaction might have been much warmer. On the other hand, if Jamie had approached Taylor with the card and flowers instead of touch, Jamie might have gotten a similarly unenthusiastic response.

Knowing which sense you and your partner prefer simply makes giving and receiving more conscious. It’s like knowing your partner’s favorite color. Given the choice, wouldn’t you buy pink flowers instead of yellow if you knew your partner preferred pink? And given the choice, wouldn’t you rather receive the kind of erotic attention that really turns you on? Here’s an exercise designed to help you pinpoint your primary sensual preference.

Try to imagine or recall each of the following items:

SIGHT

* Visualize the largest drinking glass in your kitchen cupboard.

* Recall the interior of the last car you rode in.

* See your favorite flower in bloom.

* Visualize the spots on a leopard.

* Which of your friends wears the brightest-colored clothes?

* See your favorite actor on a movie screen wearing a very revealing bathing suit.

SOUND

* Hear a dog barking in the distance.

* Hear a car alarm right outside your door.

* Recall the voice of your favorite grade-school teacher.

* Listen to a familiar melody.

* Hear rustling leaves in the trees over your head.

* Listen to water falling into a metal pail.

TOUCH

* Feel the rim of a cup of hot tea on your lips.

* Pull on a wet bathing suit.

* Stroke a long haired cat.

* Jump into a pile of leaves.

* Leap into a warm pool.

* Hold a handful of glass marbles.

SMELL

* Recall the fragrance of your mother’s perfume.

* Smell leaves burning.

* Smell coffee brewing.

* Recall the aroma of your school lunch room.

* Smell a wet dog.

* Inhale the scent of arose.

TASTE

* Suck on a lemon.

* Taste a strawberry.

* Taste burnt toast.

* Taste a mouthful of salt water.

* Taste hot salsa.

* Recall the taste of a rubber band.

So, which set of sensory memories or imaginings came most quickly and easily to you? Which set(s) took longer to imagine or seemed vague? Which sets of sensory memories triggered the most emotional or physical responses in you? The category that comes most easily and is most specific for you is your primary sensory preference.

A Science of Senses

If the science and practice of all this sensory work fascinates you, you may want to delve more deeply into Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP). NLP deals with the way we filter, through our five senses, our experiences of the outside world, and how we use those same senses (both intentionally and unintentionally) to achieve the results we desire. NLP was developed in the mid-1970s by John Grinder, a professor at UC Santa Cruz, and Richard Bandler, a graduate student. NLP was based on the work of Virginia Satir, a family therapist; Fritz Perls, founder of Gestalt therapy; Gregory Bateson, anthropologist; and Milton Erickson, hypnotist. It began as an exploration of the relationship between neurology, linguistics, and observable patterns (“programs”) of behavior; hence the name Neuro-Linguistic Programming.

You may have noticed that another category came in a close second. It is equally useful to make note of your secondary sensory preference. Often this secondary sense will call your attention to something, and then your primary sense will take over. For instance, I am primarily kinesthetic, and secondarily visual. If I am shopping, my eye may spot a pretty colored sweater, but then I’ll have to go over and touch it. Although the color may draw me to the sweater, I will decide whether to buy it based on how it feels. Going back to our previous example with
Jamie and Taylor, if Jamie were visual/kinesthetic, Taylor’s approach (cuddling up behind her) would have worked, especially if the stroking and kisses were followed by a beautiful card and flowers.

How do you discover other people’s preferences? You can hand them a copy of our little quiz here; or, if that’s not possible or appropriate, you can simply listen to how they talk. We all give clues to our preferences in the particular words and phrases we use—for example, “I get the picture,” “I hear what you’re saying,” or “That’s feels right.”

Here are some phrases people use based on their sensory preferences:

It was so close I could taste it.
I see what you mean.
Show me.
In my mind’s eye …
That smells pretty fishy.
Perhaps I can shed some light on this.
It just leaves a bad taste in my mouth.
I hear you.
I just feel it’s gonna happen that way.
I can see it now!
It feels like the right thing to do.
That’s a tasty outfit you’re wearing!
Sounds right to me.
I can smell success.

If you listen carefully to how someone phrases their thought processes, you will be able to discern their sensory preferences. This works not only with lovers, but also with coworkers and friends. It can make all your relationships easier, more rewarding, and even more productive. When Annie Sprinkle and I realized that she was visual/kinesthetic and I was kinesthetic/visual, we had a much easier time setting up our group Tantra rituals. We used to argue about which was more important: how our temple looked or how comfortable it was. When we realized why we were arguing, we simply set up two teams of helpers: one to beautify the space and one to make it clean and comfy. It worked like a charm! We had much more sumptuous temples and no arguments.

When you plan your solo Tantra with your sensory preferences in mind, you can focus on your biggest turn-ons and then expand your repertoire to include new sensations. When you know your sensual preferences, you’ll find it easier to answer when
a partner asks what you enjoy. And when you know the preferences of your lovers, you can give them what they enjoy without the self-torture that comes with wondering if you’ve guessed right.

Try New Sensations

A solo Tantra ritual is a great rehearsal space for any props or activities you might want to try but don’t want to try out on a partner the first time. Solo playtime is perfect for trying blindfolds, nipple clamps, anal toys, fetish videos, exotic lube, or a rubber outfit. You may find that you have a preference for certain toys in your solo rituals that you have no interest in using when you’re having sex with a partner. That’s just fine. My favorite solo-only indulgence is a red and gold snake-like glass dildo.

Use your mirror, or if you prefer, your video camera. I once asked workshop participants to bring whatever accessory they wanted to use in an erotic ritual. One woman brought a video camera and everyone else at the workshop immediately wanted their erotic ritual videotaped! Video cameras may challenge vibrators as the world’s most popular sex toys. Practice Tantra in front of your camera; then watch the tape to improve your technique. You will absolutely thrill your inner exhibitionist.

Take Yourself on a Tantric Date

I’d like you to invite yourself out on a real date. Open your calendar and mark out an evening just for yourself. Don’t even consider the possibility of canceling it. No matter how busy we might be with work or other responsibilities, when we meet a wonderful new someone, we suddenly have lots of time to spend with them. Make this date with yourself that kind of date.

Here are some suggestions:

* Plan your date in advance, or be more spontaneous.

* Dress up and take yourself out to a lovely restaurant, and then to an exhibit of erotic photographs or a sexy show.

* Go to a sex shop and pick out a new toy and a hot video.

* Go home and make yourself a delicious dinner, and then treat yourself to a luxurious erotic bath with fragrant bath oils.

* Try the Firebreath Orgasm or the Clench and Hold.

* Whatever you choose, turn off the phone, the computer and—unless your plans include the erotic video—the television.

* Light candles.

* Fill the room with your favorite scent.

* Arrange everything you might want or need so that it’s within easy reach.

* Take your time.

* Be sure to allow your plans to change if your mood changes, but don’t ever stand yourself up by canceling your date!

* Keep in mind your sensory preferences. If a book of erotic stories doesn’t turn you on, try a self-massage with scented oil. If the bedroom isn’t turning you on, try the bathroom or the kitchen.

* Whatever you choose, remember to breathe consciously. Focusing on your breath will quiet your mind and bring your attention back to your body.

* Honor whatever feelings come up as you make love to yourself. Perhaps your orgasm may turn into a crygasm or an angergasm or a gigglegasm. Allow yourself to have whatever experience your body wants to have, and know that it is perfect for you this evening.

* If you aren’t feeling sexual, honor that. You might just want to cuddle up in bed with that book you’ve never given yourself the time to read. The purpose of this date is for you to give yourself what you really want and need. Enjoy yourself.

Medibation

Medibation
is what Annie Sprinkle calls the practice of using masturbation as a meditation. When I need a spiritual practice to empty my cluttered mind and renew my tired body, I can always count on medibation.

I approach medibation the same way I approach any meditation. I focus on my breathing and on the sensations in my body. I do not let my mind drift off into fantasies. (I sometimes hold in my mind’s eye a vision of something or someone to whom I would like to dedicate some sexual energy. I’ll talk more about this in
chapter 22
, “Sex Magic.”) I try not to expect any specific insight, nor do I try to achieve anything more than being completely present in the moment.

Medibation strengthens your ability to stay present and alert, and it connects your sex with your spirit. Great medibators are usually great Tantric lovers because they have learned to see the divine in themselves and thus can see the divine in their beloved.

I encourage you to medibate daily.

Evolutionary Selfloving

Contrary to 1950s sex education films, masturbation is not something we are meant to outgrow. Masturbation is something that is meant to evolve. Our selfloving changes and grows over our lifetime. Each of us has our own intensely personal and individual sexual evolution. We pass through all sorts of phases and flavors of eroticism on our journey. Some phases may be daring and dramatic; some may be subtly profound. Something that makes you incredibly hot this year may not even catch your attention five years from now. What seems gross or scary now may be your biggest passion in a decade. Wherever you are in your erotic evolution, you can create solo sexual rituals that will support you and reward you.

This isn’t the end of solo Tantra; it is, in fact, only the beginning. Much in the following chapters can be adapted wholly or in part for solo play. Many of the partner exercises can be done by yourself, with a mirror. The erotic massage strokes will turn you on whether the hand touching you is yours or your partner’s. Solo rituals have all the same erotic components and potential ecstasy as rituals for two or more. Whatever your path, your most reliable, faithful, and understanding partner will always be yourself.