"Fuck, El
le. I don't know what I would've done if that was you. I'm so sorry."
"It's OK." I was stiff in his arms, freaked out by the night and his sudden display of emotion. We'd only hugged once before, it also being under shitty circumstances.
He left, and I shut the door behind him. Locking it, I slid down to the floor.
I killed a man tonight
.
I couldn't seem to stop that single sentence from rolling around my head. I took a life. I wasn't a violent person, but watching them about to rape Chris, a woman I didn't even know, had turned me on
to autopilot. I didn't think about the consequences, only that what was happening was wrong and I had to stop it.
"Are you OK?" I looked up to see Chris in my sweats. She has them rolled
up at the waist since they were too big for her slim hips. Her feet were bare as her shoes had gone in the trash bag Larry was hopefully burning.
"I feel like I should be asking you that," I told her.
"What did your boyfriend say?" She sat down on the floor next to me.
"Larry? He's not my man. Just a friend." What did he say? Fuck. "He said the guy who almost raped you is dead. I stabbed him in that artery in your leg."
Her eyes got wide. "The femoral artery?" I shrugged. "He bled out?" I shrugged again, but coupled it with a nod.
We were silent, both digesting the night, the role we
each played, the fuckers who we'd just dealt with, and the outcome of what was the most fucked up situation of MY life. I couldn't speak for Chris. We sat for half an hour before she spoke.
"Can I sleep on your couch?"
"Yeah. Of course. Shit. You wanna watch some TV or something? I know it's practically morning, but I don't think I can sleep. I'm kind of afraid to close my eyes."
She exhaled a deep breath. "Shit. Me too. Fuck. I
haven't even said thank you."
"Don't," I said quickly. "I'm about to fucking lose it and that'll do it. Let's just—shit, let's just forget it, OK? I got season five of Entourage we can marathon until we pass out."
"Right on." Chris got up off the ground, and held her hand out for me to take. I took it, letting her pull me up.
And we did just that, falling asleep
while Ari made movie deals at a funeral.
I sat up in bed, sweat dripping from my pours, but unable to stop shivering. Shit. I hadn't thought about that night... well, pretty much since it happened. Chris and I never talked about it. We lived it. There was no need to rehash it.
My heart was racing like I had stabbed the guy all over again. I felt like I was in that basement and the fucker was trying to hurt Chris.
Shit. I looked around at unfamiliar walls. Where was I? T
here were hands on my waist. I reared my elbow back into the stomach of whoever was trying to touch me. Why was I naked?
"Oumpf." I heard a voice behind me. The hands fell off my waist and I jumped from the bed. What the...
Chapter
2 - J
I could tell she'd been having a nightmare. She wasn't screaming or thrashing, but I felt her heart racing against mine as I held her in my arms. She started to move, and I let her go, not wanting her to feel trapped. As soon as I did, she shot up into a sitting position on the bed. I wasn't sure if she was awake or not since she didn't make a noise. I gave her a moment to get her bearings, to remember where she was and who she was with. She knew I'd never hurt her, never again, but sometimes it took her a minute to remember when she woke up from dreams like this.
I thought she was OK since she wasn't screaming. She was shivering and I was going to wrap my arms around her, warm her up. The second I touched her I felt her sharp elbow rear back into my stomach, and dam
n, that shit hurt like a mother fucker. She wasn't with it yet, still in fight or flight mode. She had the fight down, and the flight came next as she jumped out of bed.
She stood
up, naked, eyes wild and darting around the hotel room.
"Elle, baby, it's me." I tried to speak quietly, having learned loud noises at this juncture
would do more harm than good. Once I tried yelling to break her from the spell the dreams seemed to cast. She'd only panicked more.
"You're OK. You're with me and I love you. Come back to me. Elle." I kept speaking to her until her eyes cleared and I saw recognition cross her face.
"Shit." She held her hand over her heart that I'm sure was still racing.
"What do you need, baby?"
She wiped the sweat beading on her forehead.
"Do you want me to start the shower? You're covered in sweat and shivering."
"Yeah. Please."
She went to the bathroom and sat on the
closed toilet, elbows on her knees, hands folded, and her head lying in her palms. I could hear her taking deep breaths in and out. Though this hadn't been the most violent dream I'd seen her have, I knew it was bad. After what we'd been through and the fact that she was barely able to speak, I knew I'd have to be gentle if I wanted her to tell me what had her so spooked.
Once the water was hot, I asked her, "Do you want me to get in with you?"
She regarded me for a moment, almost like she was unsure what she wanted.
"No. I think—
" She paused. "I think I need a minute."
Although it hurt that she didn't want me in the shower with her, I ga
ve her the space she needed. I left the bathroom, listening for the rustling of the shower curtain. Once she was in, I poked me head around the corner. The shower curtain was opaque. I could see the outline of her body as she stood under the showerhead, water raining down her back. She lifted her face to the spray of water, and ran her hands over her face, maybe wiping away all traces of the dream. One hand reached out to the wall in front of her, bracing her body, while the other stayed in her hair. She grabbed a fistful of it and pulled. I knew what she was doing, redirecting her emotional pain to physical pain. I'd seen her do it various times. Shit, I did it too; sometimes clutching my shoulder so hard it sent pain radiating down my arm. Why was physical pain so much easier to manage?
She turned off the water, yet continued to stand in the shower,
placing both hands on the tiles in front of her. She leaned her head forward, until it too rested on what couldn't be a very clean wall. I watched her, unmoving, waiting for her to do something. I was just about to make my presence known when she turned to open the shower curtain. I hauled ass back to the bed and lay down.
She came into the bedroom wrapped in a towel. I knew there was no telling what would come out of her mouth. Usually it was one of the things I loved about Elle. She kept me on my toes. In that moment
, though, I wished I could be inside her head so I would know how to help her, how to love her.
"Can I call Chris?"
"Of course," I told her.
"I'm not asking permission. I'm asking if it's safe."
"Yeah. You can use the burner."
"Shit," she said, pulling on her damp hair. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean for that to come out so shitty."
"It's OK." I handed her the phone. She took it, returned to the bathroom, and closed the door.
Fuck.
I wanted to shove my ear up against the door like the creeper that I was. I didn't, though. Whatever Elle had done in the past, it obviously involved Chris, or she at least knew about it. I had to let Elle tell me in her own way, in her own time. Those were easy words to think, yet harder to put into practice.
I lay on the bed staring at th
e ceiling, fighting the almost violent urge to get up and either bust into the bathroom, or at least listen to her conversation. I grabbed my shoulder, the physical pain easing the torment in my mind, and I waited.
Chapter
3 - Elle
Pick up. Come on, pick up.
The phone rang and rang, going to voicemail. On the third try, Chris finally answered.
"You better be Ed fucking McMahon telling me I won the mother fucking Publisher's Clearing House Sweepstakes, or else
I'm hanging the fuck up now," Chris growled.
"Ed McMahon's dead."
"Shit, girl. What's up? Are you OK? It's the middle of the night here and over there."
I was silent. I didn't even know where to begin.
"Elle, are you there?"
"Yeah. Man, shit's a hot mess over here."
"What happened?"
"I'm not sure where to start."
"Well, when we last talked, you were in your new apartment and about to fuck José. You were supposed to call me with details, which you didn't. Shit not go well?"
I laughed. "
Shit did not go well
is an understatement."
"Limp dick? Little dick? Shit, no dick?" Chris joked.
I ignored her joke. "You got a minute? This isn't going to be short."
"Of course. It ain't about
José, is it?"
"No." I filled her in on as much as I could. I understood now why J wanted me to be able to say I didn't know anything as I did the same to Chris. I told her that I'd met up with J, and his plan was indeed in full swing.
"I don't get to know about the plan?" She asked.
"No. Trust me when I say you don't want to know. What I can tell you is that everyth
ing was roses until some motherfuckers in an SUV nabbed my ass outta the park."
I could hear Chris moving, and a lighter flick.
She exhaled and asked, "Are you telling me you were kidnapped?"
"Yeah. You seem pretty calm about it." I thought she'd freak out.
"If your ass wasn't on the other end of this conversation acting like it's all cool, I'd be freaking out. So start over and give me the 4-1-1 so I can continue to not freak out."
I told her about the guys taking me, that I didn't know yet where they were from, or what they wanted. I left out how we got away and where we went, merely saying that J made some friends in Mexico who helped us
find a safe place.
"What's up with the two guys? How did you get away? I get you leaving parts out for my "safety." I'm making quotes with my fingers by the way, but you're OK, so what's up?"
Shit. This was why I called her, yet I was struggling to get the words out.
"Fuck. Well, the guys tied my hands
together and put a bag over my head. But they did a shitty job tying my hands up so I got free pretty quick. Shit got crazy in the car, and I think they forgot about me during the craziness. I ditched the bag on my head. Then the tire of the car got shot out. The two dudes were yelling at each other in Spanish, totally forgetting the white chick they had in back. So I took the opportunity to stab the driver in the back of the neck."
"What the fuck, girl?
" she whispered. "Are you OK? What happened next?"
"The other guy jumped over the console in the front seat and
I kicked him in the nuts as he came for me. He was on top of me, but he was like, five and a half feet tall, and I think I out-weighed him by fifty pounds. He had a gun that I tried to shove out of his hand. I don't know. It all happened so fast, and the next thing I knew, he was taking a bullet in the back of the head and all hundred pounds of him fell on me."
"You killed him too?" Chris' voice drained of emotion as she realized why I was calling her in the middle of the night.
"No, J did. But the guy I stabbed in the back of the neck bled out."
We were both silent for a few minutes, digesting the words flowing from my mouth. We'd never talked about the night she was almost raped. The night I killed her assailant.
"I'm not sure what to say.
Are you OK
seems stupid," Chris said.
"You know there'
s no one else I could call. No one knows except Larry and I wasn't about to call him. I don't know how I feel. I mean, who knows where these guys were going to take me, or what they'd do to me. I didn't think. Fernie gave me this knife, and—well, I guess knives are my thing." I laughed, though it was anything but humorous.
"Fuck. Are you coming home?"
"I can't yet. Shit's a mess over here. It's not safe. We'll make a new plan tomorrow. I probably shouldn't even be calling you, but I dreamt about it and woke up with the sweats. I didn't know where I was for a minute. I even elbowed J in the stomach. I haven't dreamt or thought about that night since it happened. I've killed two people, Chris."
"You saved me. You know you did, so don't go there. And you just saved yourself. Fuck girl, are you sure you can't come home?"
"No, and you can't tell anyone I called. I didn't know what else to do. I have to tell J. I told him this wasn't the first time I'd killed, but I didn't tell him anything else. I wanted to make sure it was OK with you if I told him the story."
I h
eard her sigh on the other end. "Yeah, you can tell him. I know he can keep a secret, but tell him never to bring it up around me, OK? We've gone this long avoiding the topic, and I'd like to continue to do so."
"Of course. Thanks. I mean, for answering the phone and listening, even if I didn't say much."
"Elle, I love you. You need to get shit straight and get yourself home safely. You know I'll do anything to help you. Just say the word. I'll come down there—"
"No! Don't you d
are! Keep your ass in Missouri. I'll call you soon to let you know I'm OK. It'll probably be on another prepay phone. I'll call, let it ring, hang up, and then call back so you know it's me and not fucking Visa calling you."
"You're a good person. You know that
, right? Genesis has been blowing up my Facebook asking about you. She said all the kids at the Center want to know how you are. You haven't been forgotten. You gotta come back for the kids as much as me. I need you back, all in one piece preferably."
"Thanks. Tell Aaron I'm OK. Don't tell him anything I told you, just that I'm OK and school is peachy. Oh, don't tell him about J. Or anything about
José. Fuck. Make some plausible shit up, OK?" I realized Aaron was being kept in the dark again, but there was no other way to play this. I shouldn't have called Chris, but I needed to talk about what happened the night we met, and I didn't want to tell J anything about that night without Chris knowing and giving me permission to tell what was as much her story as mine.
"Girl, I got you. Be safe and call me soon," Chris urged me.
"Yep. Love you, girl."
"Bet." Click
.
I sat on the floor of the bathroom a little while longer, deciding what I was going to
tell J.