“Me either.” Rafa shook his head. “All these months I wished I could at least call you. But I didn’t want to screw up things for you at work.” He brushed his hand over the fuzz of Shane’s close-cropped hair. “Are you really ready to move halfway around the world with me?”
Shane didn’t hesitate. “Yes.”
“You haven’t liked being back here?”
“It’s not that.” He was quiet for a few moments as he swirled his finger around Rafa’s bellybutton. “Coming back was something I had to do. Reconnect with old friends. Surf again. Just…be home, even if it’s not home anymore.” He went silent, and his voice was barely more than a whisper when he spoke again. “It took me a month to get up the nerve to go back to my old street. Drive up to the house. But of course it’s not our house at all anymore. It has the same number—eighty-three—but the fire destroyed ours. It was just a pile of black wreckage. The newly built house there now doesn’t look a thing like the place I knew.” He drew circles on Rafa’s skin. “I think I had to come back so it wouldn’t have power over me anymore. I was so afraid of this place for a long time. But now I can move on. Find a new home.”
“What does it look like now? Where your old house was?”
“Nice. Lived in. There’s a split level there. Pretty flowers at the top of the lawn. A basketball net nailed above the garage, and hopscotch drawn on the sidewalk with that erasable chalk. They would like that. My parents.” He leaned over and kissed Rafa’s cheek. “They’d like you too.”
“I wish I could have met them.” Rafa caressed Shane’s chest, still marveling that he could do this now. He could lie here in bed with Shane and touch him and talk to him, and it was allowed. “You’ll just have to tell me all about them.”
“I’d like that.”
Other thoughts inevitably returned, and Rafa sighed. There was no good time to bring it up, and he might as well get it over with. “I’m sorry about Alan. I know it must have been really hard for you. He was your friend.”
Shane’s jaw tightened, and he watched his fingers on Rafa’s belly. “Yeah. But you’re the one who got hurt because of him. Could have gotten killed. Worse.” He flattened his palm on Rafa’s stomach as if he could hold him there and keep him from harm.
“I’m fine. The shrink says I have a remarkable capacity to look at the glass as half full. In a weird way, I’m glad it happened. Or else I might not be here right now.
We
might not be here together.”
“Maybe not.” Shane sighed. “I guess good things can come out of bad. I just wish it could have been different.”
“Me too.” He hesitated. “Have you talked to his wife?”
“Jules is doing as well as she can, I guess. Her husband’s going away for life, and it’s going to take time to come to terms with what he did. But she’s got enough money to take Dylan to Sweden to try the new treatment. That’s something, at least.”
“That’s great. How did she get it? Um, I assume not from the kidnappers.”
“No, the FBI tracked down that cash fast.” Shane shrugged, caressing Rafa’s belly and running his fingers through the trail of hair there. “I guess she raised enough money.”
“How did you afford it?”
Shane’s gaze shot up. “Why do you think it was me?”
Rolling his eyes, Rafa snagged Shane’s hand and lifted it to kiss his palm. “You don’t fool me.”
A little smile tugged up Shane’s lips for a moment before sadness settled over him again. “I had money from the insurance settlement for the fire. I hardly touched it. Didn’t feel right. I’ve never been a big spender. I have plenty of savings, and now I can make good money as a consultant. Set my own hours. I don’t need a million from the insurance company. And no matter how wrong Alan was, Dylan deserves a chance.” His brows drew together. “Does that bother you? After what Alan did? That I helped his family?”
“Of course not.” Rafa toyed with Shane’s fingers. “They aren’t to blame. And he was desperate. Suicidal. Maybe I’m a sucker, but I forgive him.”
Shane leaned over and kissed him softly. “What you are is a good man.” He snuggled closer, sliding down to lay his head on Rafa’s chest, their legs tangling.
Smiling to himself, Rafa ran his palm over Shane’s head. The afternoon sun warmed the room, and his eyes drooped.
He wasn’t sure how long it had been when Shane said, “We need to talk to your parents.”
Oh, right.
That.
His parents were definitely going to object. Rafa pushed away the swell of anxiety. “They’ll have to deal with it. They dealt with me being gay. They can handle this too. I’m an adult. I get to make my own decisions.” He grinned to himself. “Besides, I’ll have my own bodyguard. How can they argue with that?”
Shane flipped over and crawled up Rafa’s body, covering him and returning his grin. “Well, I’m out of the protection business, but I guess I can make an exception. What’s your codename going to be?”
“I dunno.” A giddy whirl of happiness bubbled through him. “I always thought it should have been Virgin, but I guess that’s out.”
Laughing, Shane kissed him. “We’ll just have to stick with Valor.”
“No.” Rafa snorted. “That never fit.”
Shane regarded him seriously. “It did.”
And as Shane kissed him again, Rafa could actually believe it.
Blinking as he woke, Shane stretched his legs, his feet rubbing against warm flesh. As he focused on Rafa flopped on his back beside him, lips parted as he enjoyed a well-earned nap, warmth rushed through him. Rafa’s curls stuck up and tumbled over his forehead, and Shane propped his head on his hand, barely resisting the urge to reach out and touch.
That Rafa was actually here—in Shane’s bed, no less—was more than he’d dreamed possible. In the mid-afternoon sunlight, he watched Rafa’s chest rise and fall. There were flakes of dried semen caught in the sparse hair on his pecs, and Shane smiled to himself as he wondered how many more times he could get Rafa to come before nightfall.
Part of him wanted to take a picture to send to Darnell, just so he could share how beautiful his…what was Rafa now? Boyfriend? Lover? Partner? He didn’t care what they called it, but he wanted to share how gorgeous and perfect his Rafa was.
Of course that was a bad idea, although he trusted D explicitly. Nothing taken on a phone was private, and they’d have to be cautious to never provide the tabloids ammunition. It would be bad enough dealing with Rafa’s parents without leaked post-coital pictures of their son.
The reminder of the Castillos dulled the edges of his happy glow. Rafa would obviously have to tell them, and Shane didn’t want to keep secrets. But he had to admit he didn’t relish talking to Rafa’s parents about their relationship. In their shoes, he’d wonder what the hell was wrong with a forty-year-old man who took up with someone almost half his age.
As he watched Rafa murmur and lick his lips in his sleep, Shane wished he could put it into words. He’d told himself Rafa had surely moved on. He’d seen a few pictures of Rafa out at a bar at school with young guys panting after him. The tabloids had breathlessly speculated about who he was dating now that he and Ashleigh had come out.
It had been torture wondering who Rafa was seeing. Shane had hated the thought of Rafa with anyone else, even though he wanted him to be happy. To know now that he was still the only man to ever touch him filled Shane with a primal pride. Maybe it was something lingering from the cavemen days, but he couldn’t deny the surge of possessive satisfaction it gave him.
As he leaned down to wake Rafa with kisses, a flash of movement outside the window caught his eye. He slipped out of bed and hurried to the glass on bare feet, cursing himself for not taking the time earlier to shut the blinds. He’d been sloppy at the beach as well, too wrapped up in Rafa actually being there to pay the attention he should have.
A man disappeared around the side of the house from the beach that ran up to the deck to the right of the bedroom. In that split second, Shane was calculating how long it would take to reach his lock box under the bed and load his gun. Then the man reappeared, carrying a children’s ball.
“Daddy! Throw!” A little boy commanded, racing into view around the porch.
Through the glass, Shane could hear the man’s muffled response. “Okay, but be careful! We have to stay away from the houses.” He tossed the ball back toward the wide strip of public sand in the distance.
Exhaling, Shane tried to let go of the tension. He lowered the blinds and shut them facing up, so sunlight could still get in. Behind him, Rafa murmured and moaned, tangling his feet in the sheets as he kicked restlessly. Then he woke suddenly.
“Shane?” Groggily, he blinked.
Crawling back into bed, Shane let himself smile as he kissed Rafa. “Hey, sleepyhead. Bad dream?”
“No. Just weird. Not bad. Not like…” He shook his head and pulled Shane closer. “Never mind.”
Shane slipped in beside him and pulled the sheets over them.
“No, no.” Rafa kicked the cotton away with a smile. “I want to look at you.” He turned on his side and ran his hand over Shane’s chest, digging in lightly with his blunt nails. “I love that I get to do this now.”
“Me too.” He smoothed his hand over Rafa’s side and hip, wanting to touch, touch, touch. “So, not like what? You were going to say something about your dreams.”
Rafa lowered his gaze. “It’s no big deal. I have nightmares sometimes. The therapist said it’s normal.”
“Nightmares about what?” Shane kept his voice even as the flickers of anger flared to life. He could very well guess.
The puff of Rafa’s long exhale was warm. “The box.”
Shane was torn by the dueling urges to hold Rafa against his chest or punch the wall. Calming himself, he kissed Rafa’s forehead and cheeks. “I’m so sorry.”
Rafa looked at him then, his gaze narrowed. “Don’t be sorry. I mean, you can be sorry it happened and that it was scary and is hard to deal with sometimes, but don’t be sorry like it was your fault.” He touched Shane’s cheek. “Okay? Because it wasn’t your fault. It was Alan’s fault, and it was the fucking terrorists’ fault. You saved me. If I have a nightmare about it, when I wake I remember you lifting me up, and the sound of your voice, and the feel of you kissing me, and knowing that I’d be okay because you were there.”
Shane swallowed hard. “But if I’d—”
Rafa gripped the back of Shane’s head, his gaze unflinching. “No buts. You did everything you could. They came so close to killing you, Shane. Like, it couldn’t have been closer.” He ran his fingers over the side of Shane’s head where the bullet had carved a faint scar. “None of it was your fault. Stop blaming yourself for things you can’t control.”
“I’ll try. It’s…” Shane shrugged a little. “It’s hard. I want to protect you. The people I care about. I hated not being with you these past months. Trusting other agents to keep you safe. After Al, I kept wondering what if.”
“But here I am. I worry about you too, you know.” Rafa smiled. “We’ll keep each other safe, okay?”
“Okay.” Shane rubbed their noses together.
Still smiling, Rafa bit his lip. “Were you really going to go to Australia for me?”
“Yep. Figured even if you told me to hit the road, I could get in some surfing.” He kept his tone light, but even with Rafa in his bed, he ached at the thought of how it would have felt if Rafa hadn’t wanted him.
“No way.” Rafa grinned and kissed him softly. “I’ve had a million daydreams about that happening. But then I decided to go for it. Not wait around for you to sweep me off my feet.”
“I’m glad you didn’t.”
“I can’t believe you’re really coming with me.” He laughed, clearly giddy. “I’ve waited so long, and I feel like my life is finally starting.” He reached up and pressed his finger to Shane’s lips. “And before you say it, yes, I want it to be with you, and no, I don’t care that you’re older.”
Busted.
“How do you know what I was going to say?”
Rafa scoffed. “You think you’re all stoic and unreadable, but I’ve got your number. So just let it go, okay? I’m right where I want to be.”
But what about tomorrow? Or the next day? In a year, or five?
Shane forced the worry away. He felt like his life was finally starting too. Time for some optimism. “Okay.”
Rafa’s gaze raked over Shane’s body, and he caressed idly, sending shivers down Shane’s spine. Shane inched closer, nudging his thigh between Rafa’s.
“So…do you ever…um…”
“What?” Shane traced around Rafa’s nipple. “You can ask me anything.”
“Do you ever… Does anyone ever fuck you?” Rafa’s cheeks flushed.
“Once in a while. Do you want to?” Shane had never had a great time bottoming, but for Rafa he’d do anything.
“I don’t know. Maybe?” He laughed nervously. “I’ve never really thought about it. I always fantasized about being fucked. Is that weird? I know being a bottom is, like…” He waved his hand, his face getting redder.
“Like what? Effeminate?” When Rafa nodded, Shane shook his head. “That’s bullshit. Anyone who thinks that has their own issues to deal with, starting with misogyny.”
“So you don’t think…I don’t know. Less of me or whatever? For wanting it?” He ducked his head.
Shane tipped up Rafa’s chin. “Do you think less of me for wanting to fuck you?”
“Of course not.”
“Then why would it be okay for me to want to fuck you, but not for you to want to get fucked?”
Laughing, Rafa shook his head. “I don’t know. I guess I just…I want to make sure I’m doing everything right.”
“Oh, you’re doing it right. Trust me.” Shane ran his fingertips across Rafa’s nose, brushing his freckles, which stood out even more when he blushed. “Your ass is made for being fucked.” He reached behind Rafa to tease his crease, and Rafa lifted his leg over Shane’s hip. “Mmm. See? Comes naturally to you, doesn’t it?” He circled Rafa’s tender hole, careful not to push. “Did you like having a cock up your ass?”
Nodding breathlessly, Rafa bit his lip. “Have you really never done this before? Fucked raw, I mean.”
He shook his head. “You’re the first.”
Last. Everything.
“You have no idea how many times I jerked off imagining this.”
His eyes lighting up, Rafa sucked in a breath. “Can I see?”