Veil of Scars (7 page)

"I'm okay. I really just need a good night's sleep."

She gave me what I could only describe as a motherly look and put the stethoscope in her ears. Walking around the chair, she pressed the cool metal to my back and listened through my shirt.

"At least you sound okay, let me see."

I knew I wasn't going to get around it, so with Sam's help I got my tee off. She gasped, and her eyes flashed to Sam. "Who did this?"

He didn't say anything.

"You better tell me." She was looking straight at him, but he locked his jaw shut. "So help me God I will ground you."

He still said nothing. I loved him for it.

She turned on me. "Steven, you need to talk to me. You may have broken a rib..."

I couldn't bring myself to admit how weak I was. "It's nothing. I fell." I held back my tears.

She stared at me. "I know that's not the truth.”

"I don't want to talk about it." I turned my head away, cheeks growing flushed.

"Is this why he stays here so much?"

Sam looked at me, and when I didn't object he nodded.

"Steve, are you eighteen yet?"

I shook my head. "Not ‘til July."

"Sam, go get him ice."

He wavered. It was clear he didn't want to leave me.

"See how much pain he is in? Hustle!"

He went to the kitchen.

"Steve, if you want to stay here 'til you start school in the fall, you can. It's not legal since you're not eighteen, but I don't think your parents will fight me on it."

A tiny seed of hope grew in my chest. "Do you mean it?"

She bent over to hug me carefully. "Yes."

Tears welled up in my eyes, and I couldn't hold them back this time. "Thank you."

Sam held the ice to my wounds that night, and there was a noticeable change in him. He was more defensive, more protective, more everything.

****

"What am I going to do?" he asked bringing me back to reality.

I pressed my face into his chest. "This won't work. If she can't handle it, I have to be the one to go. You have years of history with her, plus you have this undeniable love. I get it."

It felt like I'd been hit in the chest. It was worse than any physical pain I had been through. After last night with him...

"Maybe you should go talk to her..." It was better to rip the Band-Aid off. If this wasn't going to work, I wanted it done with. I wanted to hide and lick my wounds, instead of getting a taste of happy. It was bad enough this much had already happened. I knew I would never be able to forget how Sam felt moving inside me and the bond it forged between us. I pressed my face back into him and groaned. That connection to another person was something I had never hoped to feel. It was shattering to lose it.

"I should." He picked up his head, and when I thought he was going to slip out of my arms, he leaned down and touched his lips to mine. Slowly at first, then he pushed his tongue between my lips, and I tasted him. I could get lost in that feeling forever. It left me tingling and sated.

Before he could get out of bed she opened the door, pausing in the frame.

“Charlie.” Sam's voice was still laced with sleep. “I didn’t expect you to be home so early.” Guilt was laced in every word.

“Early? It’s after two. Were you guys up fucking all night?” She chuckled coming up to slip in bed behind him.

“Er…”

She giggled. “Good then?”

My cheeks flushed a little, and I dropped my face into the sheets alongside Sam.

“Very, but strange,” I mumbled.

“You don’t have to tone it down for me, baby. I watch gay porn. I know how hot it can be.”

Sam chuckled and shook his head. “Of course you do. It’s a learning experience, but you’ve seen him in action. He’s hot as fuck.”

I groaned. “I’m right here,” I said into the sheets.

“Get used to it, man, she is always like this.”

“I like being forthright. I don’t see an issue with that.” She wrapped her arm around Sam, laying her palm on my upper back.

I picked up my head to look at her. “In theory, I don’t have an issue with that..." I dropped my head back. She seemed much different than she had this morning. Maybe it was the shock talking.

We lay there for a while before Charlie spoke again, "You guys want to shower with me?" She shot me and Sam what I could only describe as a flirty look and pushed back out of bed.

Sam's hard-on tented the sheets. "Steve?" He threw off the cover, putting himself on full, unabashed display.

I knew what they were thinking, and I still struggled with the desire that went along with it. I sat up and pulled my knees to my chest with the blankets still covering me to hide the fact that the thought did nothing for me.

"I'm okay. You two go ahead." I faked a smile and shooed them.

Charlie's brows knit in the center, and she looked hurt, but Sam dragged her off, clearly horny, before she could say anything else. I flopped back in the bed and grabbed the pillow Sam had used. Putting it over my face, I groaned. I didn't understand. The connection was amazing, and it was intense to finally feel like Sam loved me. But it still wouldn't be something I wanted all the time, like he did. I still mostly felt like my dick was useless.

Chapter Nine

Movie afternoon rolled around, and I was nervous as I climbed the stairs. I white knuckled the disk cases, telling myself it would be normal. Nothing had changed between us, except the additional kissing and loving gestures from Char when I left for class in the morning. This sinking feeling that she would push for more like she had been hinting at sat like a stone in my stomach making it impossible to eat.

With Sam at class and our first alone time, it was the perfect opportunity. I was thankful for Sam, as he was kind of anti-affection during the day. He held me all night, well as long as Char wasn't sprawled all over him. That girl slept like an octopus sometimes; it seemed like she had eight flailing limbs. Char was the opposite. She expressed love in gestures all day long. I was handling that well, but more would be hard for me. Everything physical was hard for me, and I felt like I would be disappointing her when her advances didn't make me hard the way they did Sam. It took so much mentally to get there, even if I did enjoy it while it was happening.

I got out my key and pushed it into the lock. Char was in the kitchen in just a tank top, panties and an apron. My hand shook as I dropped my keys in the bowl. She practically purred when she turned around, coming up to me, touching her lips to mine. Flour was dusted over her nose and down the front of the apron. It was clear she had no bra on. I could see the outline of her nipples through the thin material of her top. I should be aroused, but instead I was nervous. Being pushed into sex was one of my biggest fears. It exposed so much of the hatred I felt for being different, and left my faults bared to the world.

She took my hands in hers and dragged me further into the apartment. “Are you excited for some alone time?”

I swallowed the lump in my throat and nodded. “Sure.” My voice was shaky as she rubbed her palms over my shoulders.

“You seem so tense.” She got up on her tiptoes and rubbed her nose over mine.

I didn’t understand it. Sam could manhandle me and that was fine, but tiny Charlie scared me.

****

It was like swim camp all over again. I looked forward to it every summer since it was a week away from my parents. They didn't even have a say in me going since I got in on scholarship. It was always the best week of my year, until the summer I turned sixteen when everything seemed to change. Camp had become less about swimming and more about who was sleeping with whom. The tiny four person cabins turned into a bunk exchange, and I felt like I had to defend my space. I never minded that Charlie and Sam shared the bunk above mine. They had settled into a comfortable place in their relationship where they didn't need to spend a week fooling around like most of the other kids. They'd done enough of the sneaking around in cars and their parents’ houses over the last year to get it out of their systems. But the other bunks in our cabin were always a grab bag.

It was the second night of our stay, and I was up with a book until long after everyone else had fallen asleep. I flipped the pages not really concentrating on the words. Too many nights I woke up screaming. It was embarrassing tossing and turning and crying out in my sleep when people were awake. Sam seemed to be the only thing that kept me calm at night, but he was currently tucked in under Charlie.

Lying back on my pillow, I pressed my eyes closed. As if living this life wasn't bad enough, my mind decided the dark was the best time to replay the top ten worst moments. At these times I wondered if that's why my mother liked drugs so much. I'd watched her sleep off the seemingly peaceful high and thought it was probably the best escape she could find. If my father had ever treated her like he did me, I almost sympathized with her. Almost.

Sleep had its grip on me, and I was pulled towards the abyss of darkness. I wasn't sure if I was dreaming it because I'd wished for it so much during the day, but I felt another body slide into bed with me. I turned instantly to bury my face into Sam. I couldn't believe he had left Charlie to come down here. It was so risky. He always told me he didn't want anyone to know. Which I respected. My groggy mind pushed away the doubts, and I inhaled a breath of his scent … only it was all wrong. Where Sam was hard, this body was soft. Where I rested my head were breasts instead of pecs.

My eyes flashed open, but I couldn't make out the face in the blackness. Could it be Charlie? Fingers snaked down and around my thigh, reaching between them to close around my soft cock. I gasped and instinctively shoved whoever it was away. I froze before my hands came into contact with her. I wasn’t like my father. I couldn't hurt a woman. She gripped me, and the sensation started to make me hard, even as it turned my stomach.

"Stop," I hissed, not wanting to wake anyone else.

"Shhhh, baby, let’s play. I saw you giving me the look this morning."

I lifted a hand and hesitated, not sure where to push her off that wouldn't seem sexual. I found her shoulder and shoved at it. "Get off."

"I can feel how much you want it." She closed her fingers around me, and I was mortified.

"Just get the fuck off." My voice rose with every word.

"What's your problem?" She pushed closer as I scrambled back in the bed. "All guys want to have sex."

A soft thud hit the floor, and a bright light shown on us. Shit, I was going to get in trouble for this and kicked out of camp. I started to hyperventilate when a low snarling voice hit us. "Get off of him, bitch."

I put my hands up and saw nails grip the girl I now recognized as Becky. She was in the year ahead of us.

"Let me go!" She shrieked, but Char kept her grip. "God, he's the freak who doesn't want it. I was just messing around on a dare!"

"You're a whore and not welcome in here." Charlie yanked her by her hair toward the door, tossing her out of the cabin.

I curled my knees into myself and pressed my face into them. I was mortified. The bed depressed next to me, and I flinched.

"What happened?" Charlie whispered, scooting closer but not touching me.

I shook my head, unable to even find words for what that was. We sat there, my mind spinning, offering up so many things, but none of them I could put into words.

Her fingers trailed up my arm. "Can I touch you?"

I half shrugged, nodding as she came to sit next to me. She wrapped her arms around my shoulders, and we sat there for a long time not speaking.

"Want me to go get someone?"

"No!" My heart picked up speed again, thinking what people would say if they found out. "I just want to forget it happened. She's right, I'm a freak."

"Steve, what she was doing was assault. I'm assuming you didn't invite her in here tonight, but even if you did, once you told her to get off, she should have." She rubbed my back lightly.

"You can't assault a guy. Don't you see? I'm the only person here that would have turned her down." My voice hitched.

"Yes, you can, and what she did was wrong. It's not your fault."

"What if she tells people?" I looked up at Char, seeing her messed hair from sleep in the glow of the flashlight she still held. "I don't want people to know..." I couldn't bring myself to say what I thought of myself.

"Tell them that you have standards and didn't want a whore in your bed."

I chuckled a little. "She said I made eyes at her. I'm such an idiot. This is my fault … if I were normal—"

Char cut me off. "Don't you fucking dare. This isn't your fault. You are beautiful inside and out, Steven. Of course girls are going to want you, but no one should do that to anyone."

"I want to go to sleep and forget this ever happened."

"Want me to get Sam?"

"No, don't fucking tell him, please." Sam could have had any girl he wanted and was with the most beautiful one at camp. Even before Charlie, he had the pick of any girl's attention.

"I won't. Want me to stay?"

"Please."

We lay back and stretched out. There was nothing sexual about it. She was just there for me. It felt different from sleeping with Sam, yet she made me feel safe, which was what I needed.

****

Shaking my head to clear it of the memory, I looked up at her, finding she was still waiting for a reply.

“I’m good.” I forced a smile to my face, trying to convince her I was fine. "What are you making?"

"I figured some cupcakes would be fun for the movie." She touched my nose with a flour covered finger and turned back around to finish putting the batter in the muffin tin.

I shifted and watched her. I had to figure out how to talk to her, how to do this with her. There were so many things Charlie gave me that Sam didn’t. She had always been my tether emotionally. The lack of clothes had me more off balance than anything. She was usually fully dressed around me. Shuffling over to the couch, I tossed the DVDs to the table then put my head in my hands. I told myself to breathe and glanced over at Char again. She stuck the tin in the over, bending over to give me a view of her butt before flitted over to pick up the disks I had gotten. I pushed a hand into my chest rubbing over my sternum. It felt like an elephant had sat there.

"True Romance?" She chuckled. "Or Pool Hall Junkies? So, I get to pick between a Quentin Tarantino bloodbath of tragic love, or funny..." She wrinkled her nose and stared at the movies. "Tell me why you picked our classics?" She took a seat on the sofa next to me and fiddled with the bottom edge of her apron.

I glanced up at her through my lashes, knowing I needed to be at least a little honest with her. I was always honest with her. When did things get so hard? “I felt like I needed a little bit of my safety net back."

She set her hand on my knee. "Then you pick." She got up and checked on the cupcakes before going to the bedroom she shared with Sam. She returned in a pair of sweatpants.

I put in the second movie going for funny, instead of tragic love, which might have been a bad idea come to think of it. She settled into my arms, and we started to watch. It was calm, and I started to enjoy the movie, getting lost in it like old times. When she got up to get the muffins out, I watched her, having forgotten about my initial fear of her pushing for something more while watching.

The moment she came back, I knew things had changed. She had a little bit of chocolate frosting on her finger and held it out for me to lick off. I parted my lips and sucked off the creamy substance. She batted her eyes and pressed a hand into my chest pushing my back a little. Straddling my lap, she lowered herself down on me. I froze as her hands cupped my face. Everything I feared about being pushed slammed back into me.

"Steve? Your heart is beating out of your chest. Are you okay?"

"Sorry," I muttered laying my head back against the couch. "I just..." I had nothing to say. How could I explain that to her?

She slipped off my lap but grabbed my chin, forcing me to look over at her. "You can tell me no."

"But we are..." I bit down on my lip ring.

"I don't care what we are. You’ve always told me everything.” Her lower lip wobbled, and a tiny crease formed between her brows.

“I love you, and I need you emotionally, but this is hard for me. I’m not like you and Sam. I am fucked up.”

Her frown deepened. “Don’t you dare say that. We love you for who you are.” She kept her hand on my chin and leaned in to press her forehead to mine when I stayed quiet. “Now tell me what the problem is, no embarrassment, and no shame.”

“Love for me doesn’t go with these things.” I didn’t have a better way to explain it.

“Do you not want to sleep with me? Are you gay?”

I shook my head, and my hair flopped into my face. “No, I’m not attracted to anyone.”

“Do you think you’re asexual?”

I dropped my eyes to the floor, and nodded. “Like demisexual or maybe graysexual. I don't know.”

“Look at me, please.” She forced my line of sight back up. “Does it feel good?” There was nothing but kindness in her eyes, and I knew she wanted to understand it.

“It does, it’s just hard to get there. I’ve never had any attraction to anyone.” My cheeks pinked a little. It wasn’t easy to talk about this.

“Why does it seem to be easier with Sam?” She paused, “I’m not mad it’s easier with him. I want to help and understand.”

“Sam has always been the physical contact I need. God, I feel so safe in his arms. It wasn’t about anything but feeling closer to him.”

“I know the feeling.” She offered me a smile.

“He makes me forget, and he makes me feel…”

“Like you’re the only thing in the world that matters when you’re in his arms,” she finished for me.

I half laughed. “That, and that maybe everything will be okay somehow when I’m wrapped up in him.”

She inhaled a breath and broke the eye contact. “I won’t push.”

“We can work on it.”

“If we mess around, I want you to be into it." She pressed her forehead into mine again. “Okay?" She seemed genuine, but there was something behind her look I couldn’t quite grasp.

I nodded, letting it go. I was going to have to take little steps into this. How could I have thought she would be any different? I wrapped my arms around her and pulled her back close. She grabbed the remote and pressed play. We sat that way, and I repositioned myself to lie down with her in front of me, draping my arm over her middle. Her whole face lit up as she leaned back into me. Absentmindedly, she lifted one arm to run her fingers through my hair. It relaxed me so much I almost nodded off. It was everything I needed to calm down after the last few days and the adjustments that were being made. I nuzzled into the back of her neck as we chuckled with the film. It was old times but better now.