Vicious Cycle (23 page)

But that was selfish. “I know you have to get back to work. I really appreciate your coming. It was nice spending time with you.”

He took her shoulders, pulled her close, and pressed a kiss on her forehead. “That wasn’t really what I wanted you to say.”

She met his eyes. “I want you to stay, Kent, but how can I ask you to do that after all you’ve done? I even borrowed money from you.”

“Don’t even think about that,” he said with a grin. “I talked to the bond lady this morning. Showed her that the charges were dropped, and she gave me the money back.”

“Oh, good. Kent, I don’t want you to feel used. That’s the last thing I’d want.”

“I know that. And I don’t feel used. I like helping you.”

“But having you here just makes me hurt when you go.” There they were, those tears she’d been fighting. She tried to blink them back. “You live so far away. I hate it.”

He stroked the hair out of her eyes. “I hate it too. And there’s something I want to tell you.” He backed up and pulled out a bar stool.

“What is it?”

“The other day, when I met Chief Levin, he mentioned a position that’s open in his department. He suggested that I apply for it. Pretty good position. I fit it to a T.”

Her eyebrows shot up as her jaw dropped. “And you didn’t mention it till now?”

“Wasn’t a good time. And frankly, I didn’t know whether I should consider it. I thought it might put too much pressure on you.”

Her heart fluttered like the wings of a butterfly, almost taking flight. She stepped closer to him. “Are you considering it?”

He didn’t take his eyes from hers. “I don’t know. What do you think?”

She took his hand. “I think … I’d really like to have you around more. But … picking up and moving here, starting all over … it seems like an awful lot to ask.”

“You haven’t asked.”

“And I wouldn’t.” The look in his eyes told her that he wished she would.

“So … then I shouldn’t consider it.”

“No, you should. If you want to. I mean … if it’s something you’d like.”

She could see the frustration in his eyes. He stood up again, slid his hands into his pockets. “Barbara, there’d be only one reason I would consider this. It would be for you. It’s not like I’ve always wanted to live in Missouri. Or always wanted to work in Jefferson City.”

Something about his admission made her cheeks burn. “I know.”

“So I need something from you. I need … just some assurance that there’s hope for us. That you wouldn’t be against pursuing our relationship and seeing where it takes us. I know there would be pressure on you if I were here. Pressure to keep things going with me even if you didn’t want to. I wouldn’t want that. I need to want that job with or without you if I take it, enough to keep it if things don’t work out for us.”

“And do you?”

“Want it? I don’t know. I need to pray about it.”

She gazed at him. She knew she would mope around for days after he left. It had been so nice to have someone on her team, someone helping her carry the burden. Someone to lean on when she could hardly stand.

But promises? She couldn’t promise that her life would be on steady ground a week from now. Her finances were a mess. Her children were fragile and unpredictable.

“Let’s think about it, Kent. Let’s pray about it. When do you have to tell him?”

“He didn’t give me a time limit. He just said to call him if I decided I was interested.”

“Then call him,” she said. “At least find out if it’s something you’d like.”

A smile glistened in his eyes. “And you’d be okay with that? With my being around more? With my being a part of your life?”

Wiping tears, she laughed. “I’d be way more than okay with it. I don’t want you to go home.”

He pulled her into his arms then and kissed her. She loved the soft movement of his lips, the tender way he touched her face. She loved getting lost in his arms and touching his hair …

“Mom?”

She jumped as if she’d been caught in a crime. Emily was standing in the doorway, wearing shorts and a sleep shirt. “Yeah, honey.”

Emily just stared at her for a moment, resentment and surprise on her face. She shoved her tangled hair back. “Can you leave me the car keys so I can go see Jordan in the hospital?”

“Sure, honey. It’s just … Kent was thinking of going home today … we were making some plans.”

Emily padded in, her eyes groggy. “You don’t have to go just because I’m out,” she told Kent. “You can even keep driving my car.”

“Thank you, Emily. But I don’t want to intrude on your homecoming.”

“You’re not intruding.”

That may have been all Emily could give him right now, but it was a lot, and Barbara appreciated it. She wanted to hug her and tell her how proud she was that she cared about her mother’s happiness.

“Well, if I stay, I’ll rent a car. You can have your car back.”

She shrugged. “Then can I go see Jordan? I want to apologize for my meltdown yesterday.”

“Yes,” Barbara said. “There and back, okay?”

Emily nodded. “I’ll go shower.”

As Emily disappeared, Barbara looked up at Kent. “So … are you going or staying?”

He grinned. “I think I’ll stay another day or so. I’ll go talk to the chief about that position.”

Barbara smiled, then whispered, “I’m really glad.”

They decided that he would take Barbara to work so that he could use her car until she got off.

Thrilled at the sudden turn of events and the fact that there were no impending good-byes—at least not today—she made him a quick breakfast.

E
mily had struggled with sleep all night, that bitter unease in the pit of her stomach. She’d gotten up around two and watched television for a while, wishing she had someone to call. There was no one.

Her friends from high school, the ones who’d ditched her when she went from being a partyer to an addict, had snubbed her so many times that she couldn’t turn to them now. She couldn’t forget the last time she’d gone to church with her mother, on a weekend pass from New Day. She had looked forward to showing everyone there that she was clean and sober, that her hair was healthy and her skin clear, that she had life in her eyes again. But the kids she’d been in youth group with, the ones she’d learned about Christ alongside, had refused to meet her eyes and had avoided her like they didn’t know her.

So much for welcoming the Prodigal home.

She didn’t blame them, though. If they’d welcomed her and spent time with her, and it turned out she’d still been using, their own reputations would have been damaged. But she missed them. As she showered, loneliness crept in. How was she going to do this? After a year of constantly being surrounded by other girls, the silence was deafening now. What did the graduates who didn’t have family support do? Where did they go?

She wrapped a towel around her head and dressed, then went into the kitchen. Her mother was fixing her a plate of eggs and bacon. As Kent settled at the table with his own plate, her mother’s phone rang.

Barbara looked down at the caller ID. “It’s Madeline. They’re probably heading to the hospital to get the baby.” She clicked it on. “Hi, Madeline. What’s up?”

Emily waited, listening for news. Her mother’s face changed, and she closed her eyes and leaned back against the counter. “When?”

Emily said, “Mom, put it on speaker.”

Her mother pressed the speakerphone button, and Emily heard Madeline’s distraught voice. “She just took off. She told them in the nursery she’d changed her mind about the adoption. She left with some guy.”

“What?” Emily asked. “Who was the guy?”

“They didn’t know. They said she seemed nervous, but they processed the baby out. She’s gone.” Her voice broke, and they heard a quiet sob. “I guess it’s over. I’ll never get Grace now, and she could be in danger. What if something happens to that poor little baby?”

“Don’t give up,” Emily said. “Jordan’s out of her head, fiending for drugs. It’s not over.”

“I can’t keep hoping when she’s so indecisive. I don’t know what to tell Ben. He’ll be devastated.”

“We’ll pray,” Barbara said.

When her mother hung up the phone, Emily shook her head. “Mom, what should we do?”

Barbara slapped her hand on the counter. “Nothing. We can’t do a thing. We’ve done everything we know to do for her, and we’ve offered her every opportunity. But we can’t keep being jerked around, and neither should Madeline and Ben.” She dropped her phone into her purse. “Just let it be. If she wants to get in touch with us, she knows where we are.”

Kent came closer and rubbed Barbara’s back. “I’m sorry this happened, you guys. But, Emily, your mom’s right. I did this with my brother for years. I’d go to amazing lengths to get him help, to find a rehab facility that would take him, to get him there and pay the fee, and next thing I knew he was gone. Happened dozens of times before he wound up in prison.”

“But the baby. Jordan can’t take care of her. What if those people get her?”

Her mother looked so tired, and Emily saw the tears glistening in her eyes. “With Maureen in jail, they’re probably out of the picture. The whole thing has called too much attention to them. Maybe Jordan just needed some time with the baby before she gives her up. Maybe good things can still happen.”

But Emily didn’t believe it.

After her mother and Kent left, Emily went back to her room and lay on her bed, looking up at the ceiling. Tears ran down her temples as she prayed for Jordan. But her mother was right. What could Emily do for her? Chasing her down and forcing her to get help wasn’t working. Jordan had to figure this out on her own … somehow. Emily closed her
eyes and prayed, until she heard Lance moving around in the kitchen. When she went looking for him, he was lying on the couch playing a video game.

He glanced up at her. “Hey. Did you sleep?”

“Not much.” She wondered if she should tell him about Jordan. He’d probably be more upset than she was.

He turned back to the television. “That guy, the one with the big nose? I have to help him get to the holy grail. But there’s this little flock of vicious birds that keeps getting in my way. You ever played this before?”

She smiled and shook her head. “Nope. It’s new, right?”

“Yeah. Just came out a couple of months ago.” He worked the controller. “I can’t quite win it.”

She pulled her feet under her. “I feel behind on a lot of things. I’d hardly even heard of Twitter when I went into New Day. Now it’s all I hear about.”

“Yeah, well, I don’t see the point in it.”

“It’s a way to stay in touch.”

“With who?”

She didn’t answer, but his question hung in the air. With who? was right. She glanced at the computer, thought of setting up a Facebook account and fishing for friends. But they wouldn’t be like real, live friends. And that could become a whole new addiction.

“So how’s Jordan? Have you talked to her today?”

Emily sighed but didn’t answer. Lance knew her too well — he turned from the video game and watched her closely. “Emily? What’s wrong?”

“Well … she did what Jordan does. She took off again.”

He dropped the controller. “No way. Not after we went into that horrible place and got her back. When did she leave?”

“This morning. And this time she took the baby.”

His mouth fell open. “We did everything for her! I went to jail for two stinkin’ days! Mom dragged her out of a crack motel. You and I went into a war zone to get her. You almost relapsed for her!”

“I know. But this isn’t about us.”

“Yes, it is. You don’t turn on your friends like that. I forgave her, but now this! She’s an idiot. Her brain is fried. Maybe there really is no hope for her.”

“Don’t say that. Of course there is.”

He got up and kicked the ottoman. “Don’t tell me she’s gonna be okay, because you know she won’t.”

“No. You’re right.”

“And that baby …” Lance looked as if he could put his fist through a wall. “She makes me sick.” He stormed from the room. “I’m going to take a shower.”

W
here are we going?” Jordan sat in Zeke’s back seat next to the screaming baby, patting her chest to calm her. Zeke didn’t answer. “Zeke, where are we going?”

“Shut up. I have to think.”

She’d seen him like this before, his meth head full of schemes and stunts, and rage razor sharp in his eyes. “Let’s just take her home. I think she needs to eat.”

“Shut the kid up!” he shouted.

Jordan watched out the window, trying to figure out where they were going, but the baby cried harder. She found the bag with the formula in it—there were a couple of premixed bottles in boxes. She tore into one.

“It’s okay, sweetie,” she whispered. The nipple was inverted, so she unscrewed the top and turned it right-side up. Was she doing this right? Her hands weren’t even clean.
She shoved the bottle into Grace’s mouth, and the baby hushed and began to suckle. The feeling of accomplish-ment—that she could do one thing right for her child — spread through her like an IV hit of meth. Motherhood.

She wanted to take Grace out and hold her, but Zeke was driving like a maniac, skidding around corners and running stop signs. He was on a mission.

“If you’re taking her to those people, I’m going to fight you,” she said. “I won’t sign the papers.”

“These people don’t need papers.”

What? “Why not? They can’t adopt a baby without papers!”

He turned another corner, on two wheels.

“What kind of people are they?” Jordan asked, bracing herself. “What do they want with her?”

“They’re people with money,” he said. “That’s all I care about. The kid’ll be fine.”

She leaned against the back of his seat and yelled into his ear. “I’m not giving her to them! Take me home now!”

“That’s it.” He swerved off the road onto the shoulder and stopped. “Get out.”

She stared at him. “What?”

“Get out! Walk home, for all I care. I’m sick of your mouth.”

Was this her escape? She could take the baby and walk to a phone, and he wouldn’t be able to give Grace away. She opened the door next to the baby’s seat, crawled out over her, then leaned back in to unhook the child’s seat.