Vivian's List (Vol. 1) (11 page)

Chapter Twelve

Liam

Damn. I ran a shaking hand through my hair. Never had I felt so turned on, so totally aroused by a woman’s orgasm. My cock throbbed in my jeans, pulsing painfully against the restraint of my zipper.

I felt this need, this compulsion
to do it over and over and over again. 

Make her come against my tongue
. Make her come on my hand.

I wanted to bury
my cock deep inside her tight little pussy and make her come inside me.

The
realization gave me pause.

I was
her guardian. I was like a … a brother to her.

A
tight muscle pulled at my jaw.

Hell,
who was I kidding?

I didn’t want to be anything close to a brother
to Viv.

I dragged
a hand down my face and tried to master my breathing.

I wanted …

I wanted …

Fuck. I didn’t even know what I wanted anymore.

I stepped out onto the deck and
walked up to the weathered railing.

The
moon was full and so bright that it swallowed up the night sky.

A stark contras
t to my dark and muddled mind.

I placed a cigarette between my lips, reached for my lighter, flicked the wheel and lit it.

My hands shook in the glimmer from the Zippo lighter.

I took a deep drag. Exhaled.

The smoke curled around my trembling hands close to my lips.

Again, my thoughts went to
Viv and emotion caught in my throat, prickly and raw.

I shook my head as if I could just shake off the emotion.

Did it help?

Not remotely.

I took another deep drag on my cigarette and exhaled until my lungs were empty.

I
tried again.

I wanted …
I wanted Vivian’s trust.

I wanted to protect her, make her feel safe
.

I wanted to blot out
all the pain Brody had inflicted upon her.

I wanted to give her everything she’d been missing
in her relationship with Brody—the feeling of security, contentment, and acceptance.

All things she had
always unknowingly given to me.

I wanted to make her feel special and let her know she was wanted, needed and desired in so many different ways.

I wanted to make her feel loved.

I wanted her in a way that surpassed sexual need.

I wanted … I wanted
her.

Damn. Damn. Damn.
I was so fucked.

My own word
s had come back to bite me. Even though I’d said
thing
between us, that it’d only be about sex, subconsciously I knew I was only kidding myself.

I couldn’t do it
to Viv. I couldn’t make love to her without love.

Sex without intimacy
was an empty experience. And she already had that with Brody.

I knew
Viv well enough to know that she was a woman who needed not just sex, but intimacy, too, and trust in order to give herself up. To let herself go.

Taking another drag, I
leaned my elbows on the railing. By now the tip of my cigarette had wormed back and I lightly tapped it, letting the ashes fall over the deck.

No strings attached sex between friends. No emotions. No expectations. Everything goes back to normal when the sun comes up—that was all just an urban myth.

How had I ever thought things would go back to normal?

Now
I was terrified of what was springing up between us.

I took in a de
ep drag and blew it out slowly, but the action did nothing to calm me.

Though I’d tried to wall off my emotions where Vivian was concerned,
I’d failed on all counts.

A
boundary had been crossed. And whether I liked it or not, there was no going back.

I
glanced at my watch. Mom was expecting me. I took a last drag, stubbed out my cigarette and strode back into the house.

In the privacy of my room
, I sat down in front of my desk, fired up the computer, and pulled up Skype.

It
always felt good to see my mom, to hear her lilting voice and her infectious laughter.

We talked and laughed about everything and nothing until I fell asleep at the desk
with the computer monitor still turned on.

Chapter Thirteen

Vivian

“What?” I asked, tying my hair up in an artfully messy ponytail. “What?”

“You had sex with
Liam, didn’t you?” Chelsea stated. Actually, it sounded more like an accusation.

“Me
?” I grinned, genuinely trying to look innocent but genuinely unable to pull it off. “No.” 

“
Oh, snap!” Her stride hitched. “I knew it!” she exclaimed, resuming her pace. “You lucky bitch! How? When? Where?”

I shrugged, weaving my way
onto the boardwalk. It was a gorgeous day and it wasn’t tourist season yet so I was able to enjoy Pacific Beach without the choking crowds.

“
Aw, c’mon,” Chelsea persisted as she fell into step beside me. “Was it the night when you were drunk off your ass and walked into his room and I snatched your towel?”

“Yeah, about that night.
” I frowned. “What the hell did you do that for, Chels?”

“
Hey, I was doing both of you a favor. I’ve seen the way you look at him. The way he looks at you.”

“Oh, yeah?
” I asked, striving for a bored tone. “And how exactly does he look at me?”

“Like you’re good enough to eat.”

“Pssh!” I blew out a puff of air. “As if.”

“Bitch, please
!” Chelsea rolled her eyes and sent me one of her many
bitch-please
looks. “You
know
it’s true. I’ve always envied how he treats you … like you are the reason for his breathing.”

“Sure.
” My voice dripped with sarcasm.

Chelsea’s green eyes studied
me as if she could read my mind. I could even hear the cogs turning in her brain. “You’re falling for him, aren’t you?”

“I’m not falling for Liam.” My words came automatically
, followed by my heart’s immediate denial.

“You are, too. When Liam is around you smile more, and your laughter is easy … more carefree.”

I allowed myself a tiny smile. In truth, Liam hadn’t been far from my mind all day.

His warm presence lent me a shoulder I hadn’t realized I needed, and the tender way he’d made love to me came back to me at odd, vulnerable moments of the day
.

Like right now …

“So.” Chelsea nudged me in the ribs. “Sex with Liam, was it mind-blowing? Orgasmic?”

Needing to escape her
meddling gaze, I took a moment to study the azure blue sky and diaphanous clouds. “What’s an orgasm supposed to feel like anyway?” I asked, changing the subject.

“Hmmm.” Chelsea
paused, seemingly giving my question some thought. “For me, it’s sort of like filling a glass of water until it overflows.” She pursed her lips. “It’s kind of like melting and exploding all at the same time. I can’t focus on anything. I lose myself. And once it’s over, I’m a noodle.”

“A noodle?”
I said with a gurgle of laughter.

“A noodle.” She nodded so hard I feared her head would snap
off. “But—” She raised an index finger. “Not an al dente noodle. A
limp
noodle. I go into a liquefied meltdown. My limbs, my bones, my guts and my muscles turn into mush.”

Chelsea
shook her dark hair out behind her and turned to me with wide, inquiring eyes. “Did you turn into a noodle? After sex with Liam?”

I fought a losing battle to keep the smile off my face.

Long seconds passed before she spoke. “Does Brody know about this?”

“No,” I said at once. “Of course not. He’d flip if he
ever found out.”

“Is that why you did it?
” Her eyebrows knitted tightly. “To get back at him?”

“No.” I
gave a firm shake of my head. “I know that’s how it looks, but that’s not it at all.”

Chelsea
hopped to the left, neatly sidestepping a cyclist. “So is Brody still calling you?”

“
He was. Nonstop.” I rolled my tensed shoulders and tried to relax. “But I haven’t heard from him today, though.”

Her
mouth curved into a humorless smile. “But he’s always been that way. A control freak. He’d call to check up on you
all
the time. Brody never left you alone.”

“I know,
Chels.” I exhaled a clipped sigh. “I know. You’re not the only one telling me that. Liam seems to think Brody is abusive. Not that he’s ever hit me,” I quickly added. “The … um … the other kind of abuse.”

Without missing a beat, she said,
“You mean psychological abuse?”

I felt her heavy gaze upon me
, assessing, weighing.

Uncertain of my ability to school my features just yet, I chose to look away.

A whispery breeze teased my hair and I swiped an errant strand from my face. “Something like that.”

There was a moment of silence during which I thought she would let the matter drop.

But no.

Her voice turned grave.
“What do
you
think?”

I didn’t miss the alteration in her tone
. “I think Liam may actually be right.” Saying those words aloud caused my throat to constrict.

More silence, then
Chelsea reached out and lightly touched my arm. “Do you want to talk about it?”

I shrugged.

Gently, she prompted, “Why don’t you tell me how it all started.”

I drew a
deep breath. “To be honest it all started out harmlessly enough. It was, I think, on our second date … Brody started with the lavish gifts. A Gucci purse and a Gucci headband.”

“A headband?” Chelsea
gaped at me. “
Random
.”

I shrugged again
. “I thought so, too. I’m not much of a headband kind of girl.”

“I know.
” Chelsea scoffed as if Brody had noodles for brains. “Didn’t the idiot know that headbands give you horrible headaches?”

I gave a tired laugh.
“I guess not. Still I thought it was sweet of Brody to think of me. I was really touched by the gesture. Then he asked me to put it on and I didn’t want to be rude, so I did. I wore it for a couple hours, and the next day he asked me why I wasn’t wearing the headband. I didn’t want to hurt his feelings so I started wearing the headband,” I explained all in one breath.

Chelsea frowned as if she didn’t understand.
“Even though you didn’t like wearing it? Even though it gave you horrible headaches?”

“Even so,
” I said ruefully. “The next thing I know, he’s buying me maxi dresses and long skirts because he says he loves how they look on me.”

The look Chelsea gave me was
long and pointed. “Slippery slope.”

“I don’t know.
” The air left my lungs. “I guess you could call it that. And pretty soon he didn’t want me working out at the gym, or even running outdoors because he didn’t like me in shorts and tank tops. Before I knew it, I guess I began accepting the unacceptable.” I drew another long breath. “It was so subtle, I’m not so sure I even realized it at first. And I always tried to understand him, you know … look at things from his point of view.”

Sighing, I stared out at the ocean, watching the white ripple rising and disappearing into the even surface of the water. A child sat playing with seashells on the sandy beach.
“Brody always told me how much he loved me. And he was so persistent that I always gave in to him, not wanting to hurt him. But now …” My pulse pounded in my throat and I swallowed hard around it. “Now I realize how much I hurt myself.”

Chelsea waited for me to continue, and when I d
idn’t, she tacitly dropped the issue. “Look on the bright side, you’ve got Liam now. Hullo? I’ve always told you to lose the zero and get with the hero.”

“I’m not dating Liam
.” The corner of my lips pulled into an asymmetrical grin. “We’re just having sex.”

She s
tudied me with raised eyebrows. “What do you mean you’re just having sex?”

“Well, we haven’t actually had real penetration.
” My words were awkward and stilted, and I couldn’t stop fidgeting. “I mean, there
was
penetration, but not with his, you know …”

“Not with his
noodle,” Chelsea finished.

“
Chels!” I burst out laughing. “What is it with you and noodles?”

“So.” She regarded me with an impish grin. “A
re you gonna let Liam stick his noodle in you?”

“I don’t know.” I laughed again.
“We’re still working our way down the list.”

“List?
” She stared at me with wide-eyes, a hint of interest flickering across her features. “What list?”

Damn.

“What list?” Chelsea clung stubbornly to that question and I knew she couldn’t be deterred. “Talk to me.”

I flashed her a toothy grin.
“We’re talking.”

Folding her arms, she
sent me an exaggerated look of reproach. 

“
All right,” I conceded. I give in
way
too easily. “But don’t tell anyone,” I quickly added. “Not even Katie.”

“
I won’t.” Chelsea assured me, and to prove her point she chanted, “Cross my heart, hope to die. Eat a horse manure pie.”

“Well,
” I hesitated. “I kind of have this … this list.”

With exaggerated courtesy, Chelsea said, “Go
onnnnnn
. Tell me about this list.”

“It’s sort of like a
bucket list, but not exactly.” I struggled to articulate my words. “It’s more of a … a sexual bucket list.”

“A
sexual
bucket list.” Chelsea nodded with understanding, a slight smile working its way onto her face. “I have one of those, too
.
”

“
You do?” My brows lifted in surprise. “How many items do you have on your list?”

“
Mmm. I think, like fifty,” she said aloud, in obvious deference to the eavesdropping couple walking near us. “How about you?”

“Fifty? Whoa!”
I stifled a giggle. “Mine’s way smaller.
Way
smaller.”

“
Sooo
…” She pursed her lips around the drawn-out word. “What’s on your list?”

Gathering my wits
, I met her patient gaze. “I’ll share my list if you share yours.”

“
How about I share some of the things I’ve already crossed off my list?” Chelsea suggested.

W
hen I nodded, she launched right into it. “Sex in the shower … it’s one of those things that films better than it feels.”

I nodded slowly.
“How so?”

“You saw Zero Dark Thirty, right?”
Chelsea asked, amusement sparkling in her eyes like sunlight on water.

“Uh-huh,” I said
warily, uncertain where this was going.

“Remember that waterboarding scene
with the terrorist?”

I nodded
again.

“
Listen,” she went on. “When you get into the wrong position in the shower, and with all that water spraying in your face—trust me, you get an idea of what waterboarding might actually feel like. Add to that, you have to deal with shampoo in your eyes and someone’s always freezing their butt off because it’s practically impossible for both of you to be under the shower at once.” She paused. “
Not
sexy.”

“Okay.” I
gave a short hiccupping laugh. “I have that on my list, too. What else?”

“Sex on the beach. Tried it. Didn’t live up to the hype. Let’s face it, you don’t want a sandy taco, do you?”

“No,” I said, barely able to contain a snicker. “Of course not.”

“My point exactly.
” She paused a moment, tapping her chin absently. “Mmmm. What else? BDSM—it was okay. I’ll put it this way, there’s a fine line between pleasure and pain, and some guys just don’t know how to walk that line … that fine line between sexy-pain and painful-pain.”

She flinched a little before continuing. “
Oh, and anal sex—tried it. Hated it. I know some girls get way into it, but for me it felt like I was pooping in reverse. And it hurt like a bitch
and
my backdoor was broken for five days
and
I pooped out cum.”

“
Ewww.” I heaved and pulled a face. “I. Just. Can’t.”

She turned to me, looking at once innocent and impish
. “Can’t what?”