Vivienne's Guilt (11 page)

Reid crouches down in front of me and takes both of my hands into his own, and I need this right now. I need the warmth and the kindness that his touch offers me. It’s an indescribable feeling when your body seeks comfort in the very place that’s filling your heart with gut-wrenching guilt. At this moment, my body wins, and I know that my heart will not go down easily.

“Do you need anything, Viv? Some water maybe?” he offers, grabbing the box of Kleenex from my nightstand and pulling a few from the box. He mops up my tears and then tosses them into the wicker trash bin.

I grab a few more tissues and blow my nose. “My, umm...my pills are in the drawer,” I say, pointing. I hardly recognize my own voice. It’s rough and gravelly from the workout I’ve just put it through.

Reid gets my medication from the drawer and hands me the bottle along with my water. I swallow a pill and pass both bottles back to Reid, who is still crouched before me. I’m embarrassed to have lost it like that in front of him. I’m sure that this is not what he thought he was signing up for.

“Thank you,” I whisper.

Reid pushes my tear-soaked hair behind my ears as he rises. “You’re welcome. Why don’t you get some rest, Viv? I’ll go watch TV in the living room and wait up for Tillie.”

Liquid gratitude sneaks down my cheeks. “I’m so sorry, Reid,” I say, feeling the heat in my face.

“You just lost your husband. I’d be worried if you weren’t a mess,” he says simply as he opens my bedroom door. “Get some sleep. You look exhausted. Don’t worry about Tillie.” Reid switches off my light and shuts the door behind him, leaving me to my thoughts.

After just a few minutes, I feel the ache in my chest subside as my heartbeat returns to a normal pace. The guilt is only a fraction of the weight it was just moments ago. It’s still there...always there, but I’m back to a place of rational thought. The pain numbs to a dull ache, and I’m tired. So very tired.

When I open my eyes, the first thing I notice is that it is dark outside.
Shit.
What time is it? It wasn’t even one in the afternoon when I came up to bed. I throw off the covers and sit up to see that it is almost seven o’clock. I’ve been asleep for six hours!

I go into my bathroom to pass a brush through my bed-tangled hair and brush my teeth. Then, I walk back out to my bedroom and take one of my pills. I can’t afford a repeat of this morning.

When I open the door to my room, I’m greeted with the smell of fried food. I hear rock music blaring from the kitchen and the sweet, sweet sound of my little girl’s giggle.

On tip toes, I creep down the stairs and through the house to the kitchen entryway. There’s a pan filled with fried fish and another with fries sitting on the island. Reid has Tillie kneeling on a stool beside him at the sink and they are...washing dishes? Well, Reid’s washing dishes. Matilda is dipping her hands in the water and waving them in front of Reid’s face to spray him with the droplets. The floor is full of soapy water, and he is dripping wet.

My heart swells.

I can’t believe he did all of this. I don’t know how to ever thank him for everything he’s done for me today.

I clear my throat loudly to get their attention and two-megawatt smiles trimmed in identical sets of dimples turn my way.

“Hey, sleeping booty,” Tillie says as she jumps off of the stool and rushes at me, slipping and sliding on the wet floor the whole way.

Reid dries off as best he can with a dish towel. “Ah, don’t worry about it. Dimples and I had a great time, didn’t we?”

Dimples? He gave her a nickname?
Huh...I like it.

“It was
so
fun, Mommy. We played Barbies and Play-Doh...And Reid letted me play water guns in the
house
!”

Reid’s mouth falls open in mock surprise. “Hey, now...don’t go telling all our secrets. You trying to get me in trouble?” he asks, playfully swatting at her with his towel.

Tillie giggles. “Oops, I mean we didn’t did that, Mommy. I was just joking,” she says, attempting a wink at Reid but looking more like she is having a seizure.

“Oh, you two are trouble!” I laugh. “Dinner smells great, Reid. Thank you so much for cooking for us...and cleaning...and entertaining my daughter while I slept...and, well...for earlier, too,” I say, blushing.

“Pffft. It was nothing,” Reid says, waving me off. “Really. But if you want to do something to thank me...maybe you could give me my first pool lesson after Dimples goes to bed. You should be good to go for a few good hours now, right?” he teases, lifting an inquisitive brow.

“I’d love to,” I answer as I grab the mop and bucket from the closet and begin mopping up the water from the floor. “We have another pool table in the game room upstairs. Let’s play here since Tillie will be sleeping.”

After I’ve given Matilda a bath and brushed her teeth, I tuck her into her bed and climb in beside her. I’m taking what Dr. Benson said to heart and starting a new bedtime routine.

“How about instead of reading a story tonight we share some of our favorite Daddy stories?”

She looks at me with the hugest of smiles. “I like that idea, Mommy. How do we tell Daddy stories?” she asks.

“Well, you just talk about some of your favorite things you did with Daddy or your favorite things about Daddy.”

“Can you go first?”

I smile and brush my fingers through her hair. “Sure can...hmm...One of my favorite days with Daddy was the day we got married...” She is obsessed with weddings and loves to hear all about ours.

Tillie’s face lights up as she interrupts, “On the beach, right? You gotted married by the ocean!”

I smile at her and answer, “Yes, sweet girl, on the beach. The sand was white, and the water was crystal blue. And Daddy...Daddy looked like Prince Charming.”

“But he was Prince Abbott, right?”

“Right! Prince Abbott made Mommy feel like a princess, always. It was one of the most special days because it meant we would get to love each other forever.”

Little did I know how short our forever would be.

For some, love doesn’t come easy, but for us...it was effortless. Even if I had known how it would end, I’d still choose Abbott every time. Those precious years that we did have are worth more to me than a lifetime of mediocrity with anyone else.

I just wish we’d had more time...but no amount of time would ever be enough.

“And when you get married, you get to live in the same house together, right, Mommy?”

“That’s right, Tillie. Now it’s your turn. What was one of your favorite days with Daddy?”

She considers it for a moment. “Well, my date was my bestest day ever! It was
so
fun. Daddy taked me to eat at Miss Donald’s and then we goed to the ice skaping ring and I gotted to see all of the princesses.” Then she gets a sullen look and says, “But then my daddy gotted dead. So that was not my favorite anymore.”

I pull her close and hug her tight as I place light kisses on her forehead. “I’m glad you and Daddy had a great date, sweet girl. You made him so happy. He sent me a picture before y’all left to come home. Do you want to see?”

I feel her nod her little head and pull my phone out of my pocket. I’ve missed a few texts from Cassie that I will need to respond to later. I bring up the picture and show it to her.

“We look so fwitty, Mommy,” she says, running her little finger over his face. “I miss my Daddy.” Her little body starts to shake, and her whimpers cut me deeply.

“I miss him, too, baby. So much. It’s okay to miss him. It’s okay to talk about him, okay?”

She lets out a huge yawn and nuzzles her head further into my shoulder. “Okay, Mommy,” she says between cries.

I snuggle with Tillie until her body goes limp and she’s breathing heavy. Once I’m sure that she’s asleep, I slip my arm out from under her head and slowly slide myself from the bed, careful not to wake her.

After shutting the door very slowly, I damn near have a heart attack when I turn around and bump right into Cassie. “What the hell?” I whisper-yell. “Cassie, you scared the shit out of me!” I shove past her, down the stairs, and into the living room.

She follows, hot on my heels, and chastises, “Well, so did you. I’ve been texting you all day, and you’ve been ignoring me. What’s up with that, Vivienne? I came over to make sure that you were all right.”

I spin around to face her. “I just noticed all of your messages while putting her down and was going to call you when I got out of her room. I’m sorry that I made you worry. I sort of freaked out earlier, and Reid watched Tillie so I could take a nap. I ended up sleeping all afternoon.”

Her expression cools and is replaced with a sympathetic smile. “I’m sorry you had a rough day, Momma. Do you need me to come back? I can stay here with you.”

“No,” I respond a little too quickly. “I mean, it’s okay. Reid was here. He was really helpful and great with Tillie.”

I can tell I’ve hurt her. “Oh, umm, okay. Well, I’m glad you have
Reid
to help you,” she responds dejectedly.

“Come on, Cass. You know it’s not like that. I just don’t want to keep you from your life, and I’m trying really hard to do this on my own. I’m very thankful that Reid was here, but I don’t plan on needing him. It’s just nice knowing someone is here in case. I don’t want to disrupt your life, too.”

“It’s fine, girl. I get it. And for the record...you and Tillie
are
my life. You don’t disrupt anything. I love you, Vivienne, and I
want
to be here for you. You need to do this in your own way, and I respect that. Just know that I’m always a phone call away. You don’t have to do anything alone.”

I walk over to Cassie and give her a big hug. “I don’t know what I would do without you, Cassie,” I say, taking a step back. “You and Tillie...you’re all I have left. I’m sorry if I’m hurting your feelings. I don’t know the right way to do this. I’m just winging it and hoping that I am doing the right things.”

She shakes her head. “No, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t be making you feel guilty.” She pulls a gift bag from behind her back and holds it out to me. “Forgive me?” she asks with a pout.

“Of course, there’s nothing to forgive,” I answer. “What’s this?” I ask, reaching out for the bag.

Cassie nibbles on her lip. “Don’t be mad, okay? I got you something.”

Oh God...

“What? Why? It’s not my birthday, and I’ve been a moody bitch lately.”

A grin lights her face. “That’s precisely why I got you this...
amazing
gift.” She reaches out to stay my hand and adds, “Just keep an open mind...I know how prudish you can be.”

I glare at her. “What did you do? And I’m
not
a prude.” I reach into the bag and pull out...“A dildo?” I shriek. “Seriously, Cassie?”

“A vibrator,” she says proudly.

“There’s a difference?”

Cassie rolls her eyes. “Duh.” She grabs it from my hands and removes the packaging. After inserting two AA batteries, she turns it on before passing it back to me. “A vibrator...vibrates. A dildo...is just a rubber dick. It doesn’t
do
anything.”

I can’t even...“Why the hell would I need this, Cassie? That’s the farthest thing from my mind.”

“Because,
Vivienne
, you’re a woman. A woman who had a very active sex life and just lost her husband. You’re going to have
needs,
and I know you aren’t going to go off and sleep with anyone else. You’ll be thanking me soon. Trust me,” she says, winking at me. “I can’t have you taking out all that sexual frustration on my goddaughter. Just looking out for my favorite girls.”

How is
this
my best friend? She’s so crude and inappropriate.

“I’m not going to use this,” I say, trying to hand it back to her.

She pushes it away. “Oh, you will. I wasn’t sure on the size. I figured Abbott must have been well endowed to keep your prude ass craving his dick. This one is nine inches with a thick girth. But, if it’s not right, we can make a trip to the sex store. There are different sizes and...”

I raise my hand, palm out, cutting her off. “I’m not a whore, Cassie!”

“Hey! I resemble that remark. And besides, you have to fuck
real
dick...attached to actual men to be a whore. Plastic and fingers don’t count.”