Vivienne's Guilt (17 page)

“Reid...I ummm.”
Oh God...I’m going to be sick.
“I’m sorry. I thought you were asleep, and I-I let myself in.” Panic wells in my chest.

Reid runs his bottom lip through his teeth really slowly. Staring at his mouth, I swallow hard. “You wanna turn around so I can get dressed?” he asks.

I nod my head, but I’m frozen in place.

Reid furrows his brow. “Are you okay, Vivienne?” he asks when I continue to stand there with my mouth hanging open. I’m so dizzy, and his words sound like they’re coming from so far away. It’s like I’m watching this scene play out from a distance and have no control over the outcome.

I shake my head, and that’s when the tears start. My legs give out, and I slide down the frame of the door into a heap on the floor.

After what seems like only seconds, Reid is on his knees in front of me in a pair of basketball shorts. “What is it, Viv?”

“I’m sorry, Reid. Oh God,” I cry, my entire body visibly shaking. “I couldn’t move. My body...it just...it wouldn’t cooperate. I should’ve said something,” I say, trying to avoid looking at his face.

Reid chuckles. “Really, Vivienne? I’m the one caught with my pants down, and you’re embarrassed? I think it’s my turn, don’t you?” he teases.

I raise my face to meet his, sick with guilt. Seeing him this close after just watching him...like
that
...I take a deep breath to try and calm down, but,
oh God
...he
smells
like sex. My pulse quickens as I stare at the light sheen of sweat on his bare chest.

“I didn’t see anything,” I say weakly.

Reid rolls his eyes. “Yeah, you did, and it’s okay, Viv.”

“No,” I say, shaking my head in disbelief. “No, Reid...I’m sorry. What’s wrong with me?”

“Vivienne, stop it,” he says in a tone boding no argument. “You were shocked and froze up. You didn’t do anything wrong. I’m not upset.”

I want to be able to excuse myself as easily, but I know what was going on in my head. I know the way my body responded to his. Worst of all, I know that Abbott knows.

It’s crazy how ever since Abbott’s death people want to excuse all of my actions. Reid should be outraged, not coddling me.

He analyzes my face. “Stop it. Just stop whatever you’re thinking,” he chastises, placing his finger against my lips. “You came here to tell me something. What was it?”

I try to clear my head and to remember why it was that I came over here to begin with. And then I remember the pretty young girl in my living room, and a ridiculous sense of jealousy creeps in.

I tamp those feelings down, answering, “Yes. Kylie’s here...well, at the house with Tillie. I was coming to get you.”

A strange look crosses his face. Regret? Dread? It’s definitely not the excitement one would expect. “Awesome,” he says, forcing a smile.

What is up with that?

Reid goes into the bathroom to get dressed, and I use the time to collect myself.

We walk back over to the house together and find that Cassie has arrived during my absence. She, Kylie, and Tillie are intently working on another puzzle. Reid clears his throat to get their attention.

When Kylie notices Reid, her face completely lights up. She rushes into his arms, wrapping her whole body around him, kissing his neck. It takes all I have not to burst into tears again because I would give anything to be able to feel Abbott’s body against mine...
anything
.

Reid loosely embraces her. “Hey, babe,” he says, kissing her forehead and setting her back onto her feet. “How was your trip?”

She scrunches up her face. “Long...but it’s okay cuz I’m here now. Did you miss me, baby?” she asks, fluttering her fake lashes.

“Of course,” he answers simply giving her a weak smile.

Why’d he even invite her over? He seems to barely be able to tolerate her.

Cassie notices right away that I am a bit off and walks over to stand near me. “You okay?” she whispers into my ear.

“Mmmhmm,” I nod, even though I’m anything but.

Kylie is rubbing herself on Reid like an animal in heat, and I am trying not to let it show on my face how much it bothers me.
It shouldn’t bother me.

“Hey, I’m going to go get Kylie settled in,” he says, grabbing her hand. “We’ll be back over for lunch.”

“Yeah sure. That sounds good. Lunch will be ready around noon.”

Lunch is a hot mess. I keep catching Reid staring at me, and every time he looks at me, I blush. The longer that I am forced to be in his presence, the guiltier I feel. I feel guilty for watching him like that, but the way that my body reacted makes me sick with it. It makes no sense. I know that I am not attracted to him sexually. Abbott just died, and I am still crazy in love with him. But, my body...my body is a traitorous bitch.

By the time that they leave, and I get Tillie down for her nap, I’m in desperate need of my best friend. I walk down the stairs and find her waiting for me on the couch. The moment my eyes meet hers, my already weak foundation crumbles.

“Oh, Viv,” she says, “come here, babe.” Cassie lifts the blanket for me to curl up next to her and holds me in her arms while she cries with me. “Shh,” she whispers through her tears. “Tell me...what happened today Vivienne?”

I sniffle and my breath shutters, trying to calm myself enough to speak. “I don’t know who I am anymore, Cassie. I’m so lost,” I choke out.

Cassie rubs her hand up and down my back in slow, soothing strokes. “But what happened, Vivienne? Something must have happened...I saw the way you and Reid were dancing around each other tonight. I hate to even ask it but did something happen between the two of you?”

My gut reaction is to be upset that she would even suggest it, but then I realize that she isn’t that far off-base.
What kind of person am I?

Sobbing, I recount to her exactly what happened at the pool house earlier, and she does the very last thing I would ever expect...

She laughs.

“You know I love you, right?” Cassie asks between bouts of laughter. “God, you’re so cute.”

I don’t even know how to react. I stare at her stupefied.

“Babe, you walked in on the man beating his meat...That’s fucking hilarious,” she says, swatting tears of laughter away.

“You are such a bitch sometimes, Cassie. It’s not just that I walked in...I stayed there like some perv, and I
watched
him, Cassie. My God, it turned me on,” I whisper.

She rolls her eyes. “Viv, what do you think happens when people watch porn, hmm? When you watch someone,
anyone
getting off, it’s going to have that effect on you. It’s not cheating, and it’s not something you can control. If I flicked my bean right here in front of you, I guarantee your little nub would get a chub and you don’t have a crush on me do you?” she asks, lifting her eyebrows.

“Excuse me, a what?” I burst out laughing. “Did you seriously just say nub chub? Where do you even come up with this shit?”

Cassie shrugs. “It’s a gift. What can I say?”

How does she always manage to make my disasters seem so insignificant? This is why I need her in my life. She talks me out of my own head.

“Well...” I say, smiling through tears. “You are kinda hot.”

“Kind of? Have you seen me lately?” she teases.

I let out a little laugh and lean in for a hug. “Thank you, Cassie.”

Vivienne

I lie awake in bed, staring at shadows dancing across the wall. In just a few hours, the campers will arrive, and it will be the first time that I have to do this without him. My heart just doesn’t feel in it. I don’t know how to do this alone. I’m scared. I’m sad, and I hurt.

I can’t. Oh God, I can’t do this. I should have canceled the camp. What was I thinking? Panic rises in my throat as the shadows draw nearer. I feel as though they are smothering the breath right from my lungs. I lie on my back, facing the ceiling, and clutch the sheets for dear life. The room is spinning, and I can’t catch my breath.

“So, you’ve really never loved anyone else?” I ask Abbott for the millionth time. We’re lying in bed, only hours after our wedding, and I know that I need to let this go, but it bothers me that he has been with so many women, and I have only ever been with him. Not that I want to be with anyone else. I just can’t help thinking that he must think of them—compare me to them—and I have nothing to compare him to.

Abbott, ever patient and used to my insecurities by now, feathers kisses down my collarbone before answering. “You are the only woman I have ever been in love with.”

“Mmm...what about puppy love?”

“Nope. No puppy love. I did have this friend growing up, and I loved her...a whole lot. I just wasn’t in love with her. Not in the way that I am with you,” he answers as his face takes on a faraway look.

“Well, who’s this friend and why haven’t I met her?”

“Grace. Her name is Grace Adler. She moved next door to me when we were twelve and that summer we got really close. When school started, she had a really rough time. She was shy and already I felt like she was mine to take care of, and so I did. We were best friends all through junior high and high school, right up until graduation.”

“Do you know where she is now? I’d love to meet her.”

Shaking his head, he answers, “Nah, babe, I’m afraid that’s not possible. She doesn’t want anything to do with me anymore, and I have to respect that.”

“Who dumps their best friend after graduation? That’s pretty shitty, babe.”

“No. It wasn’t her. It was completely my fault. I got caught up in the moment, and I kissed her...I broke her heart. I couldn’t take it back, and I lost my best friend. Gracie was special to me. She just couldn’t handle it, Viv, and she chose to stay away. I knew she was in love with me. I could see the longing in her eyes every time she saw me with another girl. I fucked up, and I can’t fix it...I tried. I went to her house for weeks, and her mother wouldn’t let me see her. She begged me to just leave her alone...said that seeing me only made it worse for her. That if I loved her at all, I would just let her go. It’s one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.”

Wow. My heart aches for him. “I’m so sorry Abbott,” I say, smoothing his hair back. “I can’t believe one kiss was worth throwing away years of friendship, though...I just can’t understand why she would overreact like that.”