V.J. Chambers - Jason&Azazel Apocalypse 01 (18 page)

He smiled at me.

This thing between Kieran and me was totally weird, but I kind of liked it.

“It’s time for dinner,” Kieran said softly.

I yawned and propped myself up on my elbows.

“You were tired, huh?” he asked me.

“Yeah,” I said. I felt better now, though. Much more rested. And my stomach didn’t feel icky at all anymore. This pregnancy thing was all going to be a scare and then everything was going to be fine.

“Do you think that’s a sign?” he asked.

Damn it. I hadn’t thought so. But Mina had definitely been tired a lot in the beginning. She’d slept constantly. Crap. “Maybe,” I said.

Kieran chuckled. “You really don’t want to be pregnant, do you?”

“No,” I said, pushing myself up into a sitting position. “You don’t want me to be, do you?”

He turned away from me a second, grinning. “I don’t know. Sure, it would be inconvenient. It would be hard. But, it would kind of be neat, don’t you think?” He looked back at me.

I rolled my eyes, but I was still smiling. “Neat, how?”

He leaned close to me. “Just that it would be parts of us. Both of us. And it would be cool, watching it grow up and learn to talk and walk and stuff.”

I shoved him playfully. “It?”

“Him,” he said.

I shoved him again, harder. “Him?!”

“Her?” he said, laughing.

“Better,” I decided.

“You want a girl?”

I didn’t want a baby at all, but Kieran was making me think about it. Here inside the enclave of sheets, in this lazy, warm light, I felt like we were cocooned somewhere away from the world.

Here, crazy things were possible. “Maybe a girl,” I said. I envisioned it. Baby clothes. Ribbons.

A pudgy hand in mind. The weight of a squirming, giggling baby in my arms. Kieran was right.

There was something about it that was…neat. I poked him. “But I guess a boy would be okay too.”

“Just okay?” he said.

I laughed. “More than okay.”

Kieran kissed me.

I was startled.

He looked abashed. “Sorry. I know we never got to have that really long conversation in the car getting to know each other.”

“It’s okay,” I said. I put my hand on his shoulder. He had very nice shoulders, quite broad. Under my fingers, he felt solid and firm. My hand trailed down over his shoulder, onto his arm, where I felt his biceps through his shirt.

Kieran’s fingers grazed my throat, sending shivers down my back.

I scooted closer to him, placing my other hand on his other shoulder. I explored his back with my fingers, all the flawless, smooth muscle of him.

Kieran made a noise in the back of his throat.

Our lips met again. He urged my mouth open with his tongue.

I crushed myself against his chest.

His arms went around me, at first lightly dancing over my hips, then urgently pulling me closer.

I felt it again, the liquid warmth. Kieran made me feel so good, and not in a scary way. My heart wasn’t thudding away in my chest. I wasn’t hyperventilating or sweating. Instead, he was relaxing and protective. I could stay here in the circle of his arms for a very, very long time.

Eventually, though, our kiss broke.

Our faces lingered close to each other.

“I don’t know,” I murmured, “I think since it’s the apocalypse, we might have to teach our little girl or guy to shoot a gun before they learn to walk.”

Kieran laughed. “Come on. Hallam and Marlena will go west and bring back the lights.

Everything will be okay after that.”

“Yeah,” I said. I laid my head on Kieran’s shoulder. His arms held me close.

“So,” Kieran said into my hair, “what is going on here between the two of us?”

“I don’t know,” I told his shoulder, “but it’s nice.”

* * *

When Kieran and I showed up at dinner holding hands, Marlena shot us a murderous look. We stopped holding hands. As we ate, I watched him, talking easily to others around him. I did like Kieran. I really did. I couldn’t say it was anything like love, exactly, not yet, but maybe there was hope for that.

In some ways, maybe it was good that I’d seen Jason with that redhead this morning. It had set me free in a way that I hadn’t known I needed to be set free. I hadn’t really thought there was any part of me that was still attached to Jason, but when I’d seen the two of them together, it had hurt me.

Still, it was good. Because now I knew that Jason was really gone. He’d moved on. Somehow, knowing that, it made it okay for me to do it too. Whatever happened, I wanted to see how things could be with Kieran. I’d never been with someone who was just a nice guy before. It might turn out to be a very nice change.

We grinned at each other over our plates of food, like the two of us shared a secret that no one else could possibly fathom. And that was a nicer feeling than I thought I’d felt in a very long time.

Chapter Eleven

I was sleeping, a beautiful dreamless sleep like I hadn’t had in a long time, when a rough hand shook me awake. It was Gus. “They’re here,” he said.

I fumbled in the darkness for my gun and was on my feet in minutes.

Everyone in the room was in the same position as me. We crept out into the hallway, where we were met by Hallam and Marlena, both still with mussed hair and bleary eyes.

“We heard shots,” said Hallam. “Jason’s people are here. They’re retaliating against us for what happened today.”

Hallam sent us all to the windows first.

I was assigned to one of the busted stained glass windows in the sanctuary. I knelt beside it, and peered out, gun first. Outside, I saw nothing but dark foliage and stillness. There was nothing there. I waited. They must be hiding, waiting to ambush us.

We all waited. Ten minutes went by. Twenty.

Hallam came into the sanctuary. He tagged me, Kieran, and a few others. We were to go out the back door and spread out, looking for intruders.

“Don’t engage,” Hallam said. “You see them, you get back here immediately. Got it?”

We nodded.

Hallam looked at me. “Azazel, can’t you use your magic to find them?”

I shook my head. “It doesn’t work quite like that. I have to know where they are before I can touch their minds.”

“Fine,” he said. He sent us out.

Outside, the stars glittered above us, serene in their stationary positions. They didn’t care whether the whole world was at war or not. If all of us were gone, the stars would still shine down. Actually, that wasn’t true, was it? Hadn’t I heard somewhere that the stars we saw were actually already burned out? It took so many light years for their light to travel to us that by the time we saw them, they were all already dead.

But I wasn’t supposed to be thinking about stars. I was supposed to be looking for Jason’s people. We divvied up directions and each of us set off in a separate one. I headed down the road in the direction of Columbus-Belmont park. I stayed close to the line of trees on one side of the road, hugging the shadows. I didn’t see anyone. At all.

I walked for thirty minutes, past the park entrance, covering as much ground as I could. I still didn’t see anyone. I headed back. No one on the way back either.

I could see the church when I heard the sounds of footsteps on the road. I darted behind some trees for cover and watched. At first, I could see nothing more than shadowy figures, but as they approached, I was able to see the people more clearly. They weren’t from Jason’s camp. They had packs on their backs like backpackers and they were shrouded in hooded sweatshirts. Two of the figures were smaller, their hands reaching up to hold the hands of their…parents? It was a family. They looked like they’d been traveling for a long time.

A hand came down on my shoulder. I jumped and whirled, surprised.

Jason.

He was wearing a white t-shirt and jeans. He gave a sheepish half grin. “They’re coming,” he said.

Don’t engage
, said Hallam’s voice in my head.

But I stayed where I was, not moving away from him, like his body was a magnet. Like I couldn’t stop myself.

“Azazel,” he said. I could see that he was holding a bottle of moonshine. It was nearly empty.

Had he drunk the entire thing himself? Surely not. He’d be passed out by now.

But Jason was definitely drunk. He staggered on his feet, weaving in and out. This wasn’t an attack. I didn’t think it was, anyway. Why would Jason come to our camp drunk?

“I’m a little drunk,” Jason slurred.

No shit. I glared at him. “I should shoot you now and be done with it.”

Jason sat down hard on the ground. He grunted. He patted the grass next to him. “Sit down with me.”

Why did I do it? I don’t know. Maybe I was just too curious. Why was Jason here, trashed out of his mind, wanting to talk to me? I sat down.

He smiled at me. His smile seemed soft. I guess he was just drunk. “Do you remember back in Bramford, when I tried to run away? Sheriff Damon brought me back and you got Toby to help you skip out on school to come see me?”

I remembered. “Yes.”

“When you saw me, you ran across the room and you hugged me. I’d never been so close to you before. I still remember what that was like. Smelling you for the first time.”

I raised my eyebrows. “Smelling me?”

“I like the way you smell,” he said. He took a swig from his bottle. “I can smell you now. It’s nice.”

I scooted a few inches away from him.

He laughed, hanging his head between his knees. “And she moves away.”

“Jason, you’re drunk—”

“I know. I shouldn’t be. The people are all angry. They want to come after your camp again. I just ran off and got drunk.” He shrugged at me, his hands spread wide. All his gestures seemed exaggerated.

I didn’t know what to say, so I didn’t say anything. I should probably go back inside. I should tell Hallam that Jason was drunk and in our backyard.

“I’m sorry you saw me with Polly,” he said.

Oh God. So this is what all of this was about. “Jesus, it’s okay that you’ve moved on. It’s fine.

We haven’t been together in a long time.”

“Polly and I are not really together,” Jason said.

“You looked together.”

“We fuck,” he said. “But she’s not you.”

I snorted. “Right. She’s Lilith.”

Jason sighed. “Nothing happened between me and Lilith. Why don’t you ever believe me about this?”

I did believe him. Sort of. I guess. But it was so long ago. “It doesn’t matter anymore.”

“If you say so.”

“Jason,” I said. “You should let me go. You should try to be happy with Polly.” Hell, what was I saying? I didn’t want Jason to be happy. I wanted Jason to get out of our way west. Sometimes, I was pretty sure I wanted Jason to die. But here, in the darkness, it seemed almost like I was having a normal conversation with an ex. And Jason didn’t seem nearly as horrible as he usually did. He was vulnerable. I missed seeing him vulnerable. It was the only thing that used to make me believe he was human.

“That’s just it,” he said. “I thought I had let you go. But now that I’ve seen you, I know that it’s never going to be over between the two of us. Not really.”

He couldn’t keep talking like that. “It’s over. It’s been over since the day I told you to leave.”

Jason contemplated his bottle of moonshine. “You really don’t feel it? When we’re around each other, you don’t feel the pull? It’s bigger than us. It’s bigger than what either of us wants.”

I started to say that I didn’t feel it, but I knew that would be a lie. Sure, there was a connection between Jason and me. That didn’t mean we had to date. “What do you want?” I asked instead.

“You.”

“Sure you do. That’s why you were making out with that redhead this morning.”

“It doesn’t mean I don’t still want you.”

Fine. Whatever. “I want you to let us get past you and go west.”

“Listen to me, Azazel. There is something I believe very much, and I think I’ve always been clear about it. When someone is doing something you don’t like, you have two options. Either accept what they’re doing or make them stop doing it. I don’t like the OF telling everyone what to do. So I’m going to make them stop. And there’s no point in going west. You have to trust me on this. It’s a worse mess there than it is here.”

“You can’t convince me of the same lies you tell your people. A fascist government? Please.” I rolled my eyes.

He was quiet for a few minutes. “This is what this is about, isn’t it? It’s not that you don’t still want me. You do. I can tell.”

“I don’t.” I hated when he got arrogant like this.

Jason wasn’t phased. “It’s because I’m not cooperating with the OF.”

“That and the fact you’re cutting off people’s fingers.”

“I needed you to know I was serious,” he said. “I didn’t want to kill them or hurt them too seriously. Besides, the finger cutting off thing is very effective. It really upsets people.”

“Because it’s seriously fucked up,” I said.

“Desperate times…”

Right. The end justifies the means. Wasn’t that what Lily had told me earlier? If I believed that, what would separate me from Jason?

Jason took a long drink of his moonshine. “I know you so well. I can see the way you’re looking at me. Maybe it won’t be tonight, but someday, you’ll come back to me.”

I stood up. “I’m not ever coming back to you.”

He stumbled to his feet as well. “You can tell yourself that, but I know what’s between us.”

He was making me so angry. “There’s nothing between us,” I said. “There’s something between you and Polly and there’s something between me and Kieran. But there’s nothing between you and me.”

He arched an eyebrow. “Finally committed to that doormat out of pity, huh?”

“No,” I said. “Not pity. I
like
him.”

He put his hand under my chin. “And you
love
me.”

I slapped his hand off me. “And I’m pregnant with Kieran’s
child
.”

Jason took a stumbling step back. It was as if I’d punched him in the stomach. “You’re what?”

he whispered, horrified.

“I’m pregnant,” I said again, even though I didn’t know for sure if it was true.

Jason dashed the moonshine bottle against the ground, where it thudded on the grass, liquid spilling out. He took an angry step towards me. “You will use your magic again,” he said, his finger in my face. “And I don’t care how many babies you want to have with however many men you want to sleep with. You will use your power. And you will be mine. You’re mine, and you always will be.”