Void (18 page)

I COULDN’T GET TO Andris’s office fast enough. I practically raced into his building and waiting room with an eagerness too strong to describe. I checked in with his receptionist when I arrived, fully expecting Andris to meet me at the door like he had prior, to escort me back to his office. Instead, his receptionist instructed me to head back by myself.

I began walking down the hallway as a woman approached from the other direction. I recognized her immediately from Dr. Gunn’s retirement party.

Antonio Cardinelli’s wife.

I walked a little taller and pulled my shoulders back as I continued down the hall. Our last interaction wasn’t too pleasant and I didn’t feel up to dealing with her shit today. She had a smugness about her, a sly smile out of the corner of her mouth. She looked slightly disheveled, different from the perfectly put together appearance that she portrayed at the retirement party.

When we were close enough to see eye to eye, she lifted her hand to swipe at the bright pink lipstick I had noticed was smeared across her mouth.

Then the bitch winked at me.

Fucking winked.

If I weren’t on a mission to get to Andris, I would have followed her out of the building and did some facial augmentation on her myself with my fist, but instead I chose to keep walking. What the fuck was that all about anyway? Why the hell did she see it fit to fucking taunt me when she didn’t even know me?

I knocked on Andris’s door just before I pushed it open to find him arranging papers on his desk. He wore a dark, steel colored suit that showcased the broadness of his shoulders and a blue silk tie that matched the darkness in his eyes. His hair was slightly disheveled, like he had been running his hands through it repeatedly. He didn’t look at me right away, which was strange considering he heard me knock and enter the room, so I closed the door and took a moment to take him in, sighing silently as I did so.

“Come in, Miss Forbes, and have a seat,” he directed as he shoved some papers back into a file and placed them into a file holder on his desk. I rounded one of the chairs, having a seat in front of him and placed my bag on the ground, while he silently went on about his task. When he finally finished, he sat down in his chair and folded his hands together in front of him before he looked at me for the first time. I noticed the strong floral scent that lingered in the air of his office and knew that Mrs. Lipo-Fanatic had to have been in here. It made me sick to know that he was behind closed doors with that heap of wanna-be plastic and my lip snarled up in distaste.

“How have you been?”

“Why haven’t you called?”

He let out an exasperated breath, something he looked like he had been struggling to catch since the moment I walked in. His restless posture and fighting hands made me wonder what was going through his mind. His body language hinted at unease, or anxiety, and he kept staring at his desk in distaste as if recalling an unwanted memory.

“I figured you might ask that when you got here today. Things have been busy for me here at the clinic since I took over. I’m sure you can understand that.”

“Okay, then why hasn’t Link called? I was under the assumption that with the contract I would more than likely be engaging in more than one session a week.”

“Link has been very busy as well.”

“Let’s talk about you, Nicola. Obviously the sessions you have had with Link thus far have flipped a switch within you somehow. How are you doing with this new onset of feelings?”

I licked my lips as I recalled those two sessions. The first time was amazing, but the second one was overwhelming in the best possible way. In a weird and twisted way I always felt blessed for not experiencing some of the shit other people had to deal with on a daily basis. But if I had known I was missing out on the intense feelings that I had with both Andris and Link, I would have done everything I could to seek out the cure or whatever the fuck it was I needed, to get past the giant wall inside of me.

“I feel full. Like he climbs inside of me to help me
feel
. When I am with him, with you, I feel like you both are a glitch in the process that stops me from expressing or being involved in feelings I had never been able to understand before. I’ve always felt pleasure. I’ve always been more in tune with the physical side of things. But with you and Link, it isn’t just physical arousal. It is emotional arousal as well.”

His eyes darkened if that were even possible. I noticed the slight tick of his jaw and watched as he adjusted his position in his seat. He was aroused by the idea of me telling him that he aroused me.

“Why do you think that is?”

“I don’t know. What I do know is that the connection between us could not only be felt, but grasped. I can put my feelings into words. I understand them, even if I don’t understand what is happening at the moment.”

He nodded and cleared his throat before leaning back in his chair as if to put distance between us. I’ve always been an honest person. Saying what comes to my mind first had always been easy for me, but somehow my next words were a little harder to pass through my lips.

“I’m afraid of what I will lose once the twelve weeks are over.”

He stilled and I looked up into eyes that were just as eager as mine. Heat pooled in his orbs as his gaze made my body feel like it was on flames. It felt almost like a betrayal to Link for me to feel that way about Andris when he wasn’t with us, but the thing about that was I have had Link. Link had been inside me. Andris has touched me only once physically and that was when we danced. It wasn’t even a touch of seduction or one of pleasure, but only the pleasure of being in his company while we moved on the dance floor. Yet, I clearly felt the same things with Andris that I did with link without as much as one orgasm.

“It doesn’t have to end, Nicola. You know now what triggers these emotions you are feeling. Use that information to carry on.”

Even as he said the words I could tell he didn’t mean them. I smiled inwardly because he knew that carrying on meant me fucking other men for money. My occupation would see to that. I stood up out of the seat and walked around to his side of the desk. He sat completely still, nothing moving but his head and eyes that were glued to me. My tight, black pencil skirt showcased my curves and the cream form-fitting sweater I wore accentuated my breasts. The thigh high boots that adorned my feet made me taller, giving me a confidence boost. I wasn’t naive. I knew I was pretty. I had been told my entire life how beautiful I was, by both men and women alike.

I could feel his stare as he swiveled in his chair when I walked past him to the framed documents on the wall, scanning all of his achievements hanging and on display for all too see.

“Have you ever wanted something so bad that you felt almost desperate to have it?” I asked as I ran my fingertips across the glass of his PhD certificate. “Imagine one of those things you want was your own feelings. Your own emotions, but no matter how hard you try, you can’t turn them on. You can’t cause a stir within yourself to flip the switch that turns everything on. You get to watch others around you feel love, passion, excitement, and even pain, yet all you feel is nothing. I’m a blank canvas, doctor. Untouched and impassive. Bare of any color or vivid hue that could turn it into something truly beautiful.”

“Nicola, you are beautiful.”

“Cut the shit, Andris,” I said, turning around to look at him. He sat with one leg across his knee as his other bounced unceremoniously on the floor, his fingers clasped in his lap.

“That’s not what I’m talking about and you know it. I can go all day feeling deadpan and expressionless, but the second I am with you and Link, it’s like someone has taken a huge amount of beautiful colors and splattered them all over my blank canvas. Instantly it comes to life—I come to life. I feel human, normal for once in my life.”

He only nodded slightly as I slowly approached him and sank down onto my knees in front of him. Placing my hands on his thighs, I absorbed the feel of his tight muscles beneath the palms of my hands as I slowly ascended them up towards his torso. I was affecting him just as much as he was affecting me, as he worried his jaw and his clasped fingers became fists in his lap.

“Nicola,” he said in warning, his voice just loud enough to sound stern, but still soft enough to be classified as a whisper. “You have no idea what you are getting yourself into.”

“Oh, but I do,
doctor
. I also know that this can’t stop. I need it to continue.”

My hands met the hardness of his abs and I could feel the ridged lines of his muscles through the fabric of his shirt. I had never seen him naked, but I didn’t need to see him to know that he was cut beneath his clothes. I spread my fingers along his chest and he removed his foot from his knee, allowing me to nestle between his legs. I witnessed my effect on him as his cock grew with arousal and he swallowed audibly. My heart was beating frantically in my chest and I could feel it in my fingers as they splayed on his pecs. I fingered one of the buttons on his shirt before I smoothed my hands along his jaw. I leaned in closer, desperate to get a taste of his mouth. Our lips were only a breath away when I noticed something on his collar.

It was pink.

The same pink that fucking Barbie Cardinelli had on.

I moved his collar to the side and noticed the same hue across his neck.

That was why he was so nervous when I came in.

I pushed back from him so abruptly that I landed flat on my ass. He must have registered the heat in my eyes and could tell it was no longer heat of arousal. He lifted a hand up to his neck and wiped gently before pulling it away and looking at it.

“Shit.”

I scrambled to my feet and rounded the desk before he had a chance to even get up from the chair. This was certainly a new feeling I was experiencing. Jealousy was an ugly son-of-a-bitch and I didn’t like it.

Not at all.

If I thought the
good
feelings I had with him were overwhelming, then this one was a fucking powerhouse.

“Nicola, wait,” he stated sternly as I made my way to fetch my purse on the floor. He reached me before I had the time to grab it and haul ass out of there.

“Will you just wait one goddamn second?” He growled as he grabbed ahold of both of my arms and spun me around to face him. “It’s not what you think.”

“Oh really? So it’s completely normal for you to be wearing that horrid shade of lipstick on your neck then? Honestly, I didn’t take you for a cross dresser, Andris.”

“You don’t understand.”

“I understand
completely
. The contract stated that I couldn’t fuck anyone else, but clearly it wasn’t the other way around. Why am I even upset by this? I’m not even in a contract with you! It’s with Link.”

“The contract is with me too.”

“But Lexie said…”

“Lexie must not have read the fine print. I have a copy if you need to see it.”

I tried to shove away from him, but his grip was too strong. The smell of his cologne was doing things to me and I needed to get away from him before I either beat the shit out of him, or fucked the hell out of him.

“Let go of me.”

“Not until you calm the fuck down.”

“Did you fuck her?”

“What?”

“Did. You. Fuck. Her.”

His silence was all the answer I needed. I attempted to pull away from him once more without success. That is when his lips crashed to mine, creating a tingling sensation in my body. It wasn’t a gentle kiss. It was rough, bruising, punishing. For a brief moment, I savored the taste of him. I melted into the curvature of his mouth, and relished in how we fit together perfectly. My head was spinning and my knees felt week. I opened my eyes when he tried to slip his tongue inside, and that was when I saw the lipstick again. I pulled back, angry that I had let myself surrender to him when I was pissed off at him. Angry that he had his lips on me only minutes after he had them all over another woman.