Wagonmaster (19 page)

Watching Addie eat brought a warm feeling to Josh's heart. Rosy cheeks replaced the pallor of the day before. Her eyes held the sparkle he'd come to love, and the purple smudges marring them had disappeared. Uncertain of how to broach the subject, he waited for an opportunity to mention the divorce. If Addie hadn't been so adamant with Foster last night about not wanting to wed, he'd have no doubt she'd happily remain married to him. Not wanting to spoil her good mood or appetite, Josh decided to discuss it later.

After breakfast, Addie led him to the study where she asked him to sit in her father's chair. Pulling two large, leather-bound ledgers to the center of the desk, she pointed at an entry. “Do you know what these notes mean?”

Josh read aloud. “Quarter, mustang. Quarter, Arabian. Arabian, mustang.” His brows rose in surprise. “Would you look at that? You've got a horse from Shiloh's line.”

Addie's face darkened in confusion. “What does that mean?”

“Old Shiloh was one of the finest horses ever bred.” He scanned the ledger. “Looks like the Shiloh stud has sired two mares and a colt. You've got some prime stock here.”

“Well, why has he only listed a fourth of the breed?” She pointed at the book. “Like this one, Mountain Dawn. If she's a quarter mustang, what other breed is she?”

Josh couldn't help but laugh.

She crossed her arms. “What?”

“A quarter horse is a breed.”

Her mouth fell open. “It is? So…so that means Mountain Dawn is half quarter horse and half mustang?”

He smiled. “Right.”

Addie held her head in her hands and groaned. “No wonder I couldn't figure out these stupid books.”

He stood and wrapped his arms around her. “You'll learn. You studied medicine, not horses.”

She laid her head against his chest. “I told you I didn't know anything about ranching. Thank you for helping me.”

“You're welcome.” Josh stepped back and smiled at her. “Let's go take a look at Mountain Dawn. I've never seen one of Shiloh's line. I'll bet she's a beauty.”

Addie hesitated but nodded. “All right.”

They donned their coats and gloves and headed down the hill. Josh led Addie into the spacious stables. Clean and uncluttered, the smell of fresh hay and horses called to him. It would be so easy to call this place home. But he'd leave it all behind without looking back if that's what Addie wanted. He had until spring to show her what a wonderful life she could have here. The life they could have together raising horses, cattle, and children.

He stopped in front of the chestnut's stall. “This is the one.” Pulling the latch, he opened the door and approached the horse. He lifted the mare's hind leg. “See here? Her hooves are thicker, stronger.” He lowered the leg and ran his hands over the thick muscles of the horse. “I think your father was tryin' to breed a work horse with a strong frame, but smaller than the quarter horse. Come here and feel this horse's flanks.”

“That's all right. I can see it fine from here.”

Josh looked up to find Addie standing several feet away with her arms crossed. She gave him a small smile. An odd notion entered his mind. “Is somethin' wrong?”

She shook her head. “No. Not at all. So which stallion should we put to her next time?”

“Addie, are you scared of the horse?”

Her eyes widened, and her arms fell to her sides. “No.”

He searched her eyes. Something wasn't quite right.

A heavy sigh left her, and she closed her eyes. “No, I'm not afraid of them. I'm terrified.”

Shock infused him. Why had he never seen it? She was the easiest person in the world to read and yet he'd never seen her fear. “You're not afraid of anythin'.”

Laughter filled the air. “I'm afraid of animals. Especially big ones.”

“But you weren't afraid of the oxen. You hitched them up yourself and fed them.”

“I had no choice. And you have no idea how much they frightened me. I had nightmares about them the first few nights on the trail.”

Josh rubbed the back of his neck, tension beginning to build there. Maybe he didn't know this woman as well as he thought. “You never showed any signs.”

She smiled. “I learned to hide my fear when I started medical school. It was a matter of survival. The wolves at Harvard would have eaten me alive. For a doctor, it was good thing to learn. Can you imagine how Mrs. Wheeler would have reacted if she'd seen my fear when I realized the children had cholera?”

He walked toward her. “All this time I felt like I could almost read your thoughts on your face, in your eyes. How could I have been so wrong?”

She worried her lip for a moment. She looked past him, staring at the horse. “Papa used to tell me that if I didn't want someone to know what I was thinking, I shouldn't look them in the eye.” A soft laugh escaped her. “I learned to hide the fear. Apparently I haven't mastered the other emotions yet.”

“You never fail to amaze me.” He pushed his hat back. “Or confuse the hell out of me. No wonder you don't want to stay here. You're afraid of the animals.”

She shrugged. “I just don't want to get too close to them. It's not the animals that bother me. It's…it's all of this.” Turning in a circle, palms up, she shook her head. “I can't do this alone. I don't even want to try.” She stopped and faced him. “Why should I? There's no one to share it with.” She gestured toward the ranch house, unseen behind the walls of the stable. “That house is so big. And it's empty. No family. I'll stay here until spring, but then….”

This was his chance. She didn't want to stay here alone. “That's somethin' I wanted to talk to you about.”

Her hands rose to her hips. “Oh, no, mister. Don't you dare tell me you've changed your mind. You're taking me to San Francisco. We can leave now if you want, but I will not let you renege.”

He couldn't stop the smile that formed. “No, I'm not goin' back on my word. I'll take you to San Francisco whenever you want.”

The sound of approaching horses interrupted once again. Cursing beneath his breath, he watched Addie move to the door.

“Oh, my. It's snowing. Big, heavy flakes.” She leaned out the door to view the house. “It's Uncle Rick. I didn't expect to see him again until he heard from the circuit judge. He must have the approval for the divorce.” She raised her chin and smiled. “Your freedom is at hand.”

His gut twisted. “Addie….”

“I'd better go greet him. You should come too. He'll want to get back to town before there's too much snow on the ground.”

“Wait. I need to talk to you.”

“Let's get rid of Uncle Rick first. It won't take long to sign whatever papers he needs. Then we can talk about the horses, or San Francisco, or whatever it is on your mind.” She hurried through the door without looking back.

“Damn it.” He didn't want to sign any blasted papers. He took a deep breath. Fine. He could always marry her again. She could have a big ceremony with a nice dress and flowers if she wanted. And if it took him the rest of his life, he'd convince her that marriage wasn't the horrible institution of female slavery she believed it to be.

By the time he reached the porch, the falling snow covered him from head to toe. Josh pulled off his hat, beating it against his legs, knocking as much of the snow off his pants as he could. He stomped his feet and wiped his boots on the mat outside the door before he pulled it opened. Warm air met his entrance, but the chill inside him remained.

Mr. Foster stood at the door to the main room. “In here, Reynolds.”

Hanging his hat on the peg, he nodded and took off his coat. He took a deep breath and hung the coat on the rack.
This is for the best. It's what Addie wants.
He raked his fingers through his hair, turned, and squared his shoulders.

Addie rose from the sofa. Her hands brushed the folds of her dress. “In just a few moments, you'll be a free man again.”

Josh schooled his features. His jaw clenched. How did he tell her he didn't want to be free?

Mr. Foster moved around them and handed a pen quill to Addie. She sat down on the edge of the sofa. The solicitor leaned down. “Sign here, dear.”

Addie seemed anything but anxious. She dipped the quill in the ink well and carefully drew the quill against the edge of the well's rim, removing the excess ink. A shaking arm moved toward the paper. Confusion filled him. He scanned her pale features. She bit her lip. Finally, she signed her name.

She let out a wobbly breath as she finished. “There.” She refused to look at him.

His little voice screamed at him. Something was wrong. She was hiding something. Did she not want the divorce any more than he did? If there was even the slightest chance she loved him, he couldn't let this happen.

Mr. Foster took the quill and offered it to him. “Now, if you'll just sign on the line below her name, your marriage will be dissolved.”

Josh searched the old man's face. Anger and resentment darkened his features, but he said nothing more. His gaze returned to Addie. She looked away, apparently unwilling to meet his gaze. The answer was always in her eyes. Wasn't it? She could hide her fear, but her other feelings were always there.

He needed more time. He needed…. Hell, he needed
Addie
. If he let her go without a fight, he'd regret it for the rest of his life.

Josh glanced one more time at Addie's profile and shoved the doubts away. “Mr. Foster, could you excuse us, please? I want to talk to Addie.”

Foster heaved an irritated sigh and mumbled under his breath. Josh couldn't be sure, but it sounded like “It's about time.” The older man called over his shoulder as he left the room, “I'll be in the kitchen with Mrs. Simmons.”

Addie stood. Her eyes revealed her confusion. “Joshua, the snow.” She pointed toward the window. “He'll be stuck here if he doesn't leave soon.”

“I don't care. This is important.”

“What is it?” She wrung her hands. Worry clouded her features. “You said you'd stay until spring. What is so important that it must be discussed now?”

He strode toward her and grasped her hands. “It's the divorce. I think…I think we're making a mistake.”

Her eyes narrowed. “Why?”

“Well, after last night—”

“Stop.” Addie's jaw clenched. She pulled her hands from his and stepped away. “Last night was perfect. Don't you dare ruin it with your guilty conscience.”

“What?”

She pointed her finger at him. “I won't have it, Joshua. Do you understand?” Her index finger reversed position and tapped her own chest. “
I
wanted you.
I
made that decision just like all the times before. You didn't seduce me. You never pressured me. It was
my
choice. You don't owe me anything.”

“But—”

“Oh, and if you mention the possibility of a child again, I'll just….” She shook her head as an angry groan escaped her lips. “I told you. If there's a child, I am perfectly capable of raising him—or her—on my own. You can see him whenever you want, and I won't marry again. You don't have to worry about someone else raising your child. Satisfied?”

Josh pinched the bridge of his nose. Frustration tore at him. “No.” He met her gaze. “No, damn it. I'm not.” Josh gripped her shoulders. “Will you just listen to me for a minute? This ain't about guilt. And I ain't worried about you gettin' pregnant.”

“You're not?” Her angry expression fled, but the suspicion returned. Her blue eyes narrowed again. “Then why won't you just sign the papers and have done with it?”

Josh swallowed. Baring his heart and soul was a hell of lot harder than he'd expected. And he hadn't anticipated the fear that clogged his throat and tightened his chest to the point he feared he might faint. He searched for the right words. “I don't want a divorce.”

Her eyes widened. Surprise—no, shock—replaced the questions written on her face. “Why not?” she whispered.

His hands fell away from her shoulders. “Well….” His heart thudded like a herd of stampeding buffalo. “It's about that child, darlin'.”

She crossed her arms and raised a brow. “The child that may or may not have been conceived last night?”

He nodded. “Or the one that might be conceived tonight or tomorrow or next week. I want to watch your belly swell with that child.” He closed his eyes for an instant to imagine Addie, her stomach big with his baby. His racing heart eased with the image, but apprehension still made it hard to breathe. “I want to see that baby nurse at your breast. And I want…I want to stay here with you and raise horses and babies.”

Addie's jaw dropped. “You do?”

He reached for her hands and held them, amazed all over again at how much strength the small, feminine fingers possessed. Thoughts of the tenderness and passion conveyed by those beautiful hands skittered through his head. “I know I told you I didn't want a wife, but I've changed my mind.
You've
changed my mind. I want to be your husband.”

He lifted his gaze from her hands to meet her eyes. She stared back at him. He waited for her to say something, waited for her eyes to reveal her thoughts, but her stunned expression revealed nothing but uncertainty and confusion.

Josh pushed a lock of hair behind her ear. “I don't deserve you, darlin'. I know that. But it doesn't stop me from wantin' you. I may not be able to buy you those pretty silk underthings you like. I'm damn glad
you
can afford them, because I sure do like to see you in them.” He chuckled, but the significance of what he needed to tell her sobered him. “I'm not an important man, but I promise you, Addie….” He paused to touch the softness of her cheek. Her luscious mouth tempted him, and his fingers trailed to her full bottom lip. He needed to kiss her. He had to make her understand.