Waiting For You (11 page)

I laugh, tucking the hair behind her ears. “Nah, when it comes to you, baby, I’m like the energiser bunny. I just keep going and going and going.”

“Cheeky boy,” she says, smiling as she rolls her eyes at me. “And speaking of,” she adds, glancing at the clock. “Can we keep going too?”

The smile disappears from my face now, knowing everything we still have to get through. This was a great distraction from the pain of her twentieth birthday, of the years that followed, but there is still plenty more to come.

“We can,” I say, nodding as I reach for the box, find the next letter and hand it to her. Evie opens it, rests the paper on my chest and starts to read.

14 February 2000

Dear Evie,

It’s been ages since I’ve written to you, I know. I feel bad about that, but I just haven’t been able to. I think it’s mostly because I don’t know what to say anymore. I sit here sometimes, staring at a blank piece of paper and I can’t find the words to write anymore. None of it is going to reach you and more than anything, I just want to say it all to your face. I want you to stand in front of me when I talk to you instead of me imagining that by writing any of this down that it’s somehow going to make a difference. That it’s somehow going to get to you.

It won’t.

So I just stopped writing for a while.

Right now though, I’m sitting out on Mum and Dad’s back deck. I’m freezing my arse off as I sit here, looking up at the stars and thinking of you and everything that’s happened. I thought we’d have found each other by now, but it’s been so long. The longest it’s ever been.

The thing is though; I know you remember me now because I’ve spoken to Sarah. I gave her my number after you left 4 years ago, remember? I wanted to give you as many ways as possible to find me. I thought because I hadn’t heard from you that you just hadn’t remembered me yet, but I know that’s not true anymore.

She and I spoke at Christmas you know. So I know she’s seen you. I know you remember me because you can’t remember Sarah without remembering me. It’s always been me who brings back all of your memories, hasn’t it?

And you’ve remembered me for a while now, not just since Christmas, and that’s been hard, Evie. Hard to understand and hard to deal with. Sarah told me. She won’t tell me where you are though, claims she doesn’t know, although I don’t believe that. I’m jealous as hell that she got to see you. And I don’t know what I’m supposed to think about the fact that you went to her instead of me. When I asked her this, she just told me to give you time. She said she’d seen you and that you were ok and that you missed me…and I just needed to give you time.

But the thing is, Evie, if you miss me, why haven’t you come and found me? You have my number now, I know Sarah gave it to you and you know where Mum and Dad live, so why haven’t you found me? And you know what, I really don’t know how much time I’m supposed to give you. It’s already been so long and time is about to run out again. Time is something I
can’t
give you, Evie. You know that.

Shit, I don’t know what to think. Right now, the only thing I can think of is you don’t want to find me. You meant what you said 4 years ago and you really don’t ever want to see me again, do you? I don’t even know what to say to that. What else can I say, but I’m sorry…again.

But why won’t you just give me a chance to say it, Evie? Why are you punishing me like this? We always used to talk to each other; we used to be able to say anything and everything to each other, remember? You trusted me with your secret and now, now you’re using it to shut me out. I get that you’re hurt, ok, I really do. But you know what, I’m hurting too. I’m hurting a lot, but the difference is there isn’t a damn thing I can do about it because you’re the one who can change things here. You’re the only one who can bring us back together again, Evie.

I really don’t know what I’m supposed to do now. I don’t know how I’m supposed to let go or how I’m supposed to move on. I’ve tried, but I don’t want to do either even though you’ve made it pretty clear that’s exactly what you’ve done.

It’s less than a month till you disappear again, less than a month till you forget me all over again. I’m giving myself this long to wait, and after that, I don’t know, I guess I just have to try and accept things and let you go. Even though it’s the last thing I want to do.

Please, Evie, please just give me a chance. Just let me explain this to you, even if all you do is listen and then walk away. I just need to know, just need you to know what really happened that night. That you understand that I still love you, that I never stopped loving you.

I’m getting desperate now and I really don’t know what else to do.

I just miss you so much.

Ben.

“You okay?” I ask, as Evie looks up at me, her chin still resting on my chest.

“Yeah,” she says in a way that tells me she’s not really. I can see her eyes, glistening with tears and I know how much she’s trying not to cry right now.

“Not a good time for us, huh?” I say, smiling as I try to lighten the mood a little.

“No,” she says, shaking her head. Her eyes flick to her hand, to the tattoo on her ring finger. “We really should have thought of this sooner,” she says, even though her remembering me wasn’t the only issue back then.

“I know,” I say, my fingers stroking her hair as she continues to stare at her hand. “I mean, we were pretty young I guess, and by the time we found each other again, a lot of stuff happened and then, I don’t know…I guess life just got in the way.”

Evie nods as she continues to stare at her hand. “I can’t believe you and Sarah were talking so much, I mean she told me she spoke to you, but I guess I didn’t realise how much.”

“I can’t believe she pretended she didn’t know where you were, even after you went to stay with her,” I say, always knowing that somehow Sarah wasn’t telling me the whole truth. I’m not sure why, whether there was something about Evie back then that stopped her, or whether Sarah thought I’d just work it all out anyway. It pissed me off when I did find out. Pissed me off a lot. But the relief, the relief at finally being able to speak to Evie, overshadowed it all.

“So how come you never came to visit?” Evie asks, her eyes finally moving back to mine. “Why didn’t you come and check if you thought I might have been there?”

I exhale, blowing out a long breath as my eyes stay locked on hers. “I thought about it, Evie,” I admit, knowing my reasons for why I didn’t are going to hurt her. “I mean I didn’t know exactly where she lived, but I certainly could’ve found out.”

“So why didn’t you?” she asks and I can hear it in her voice, the tiny trace of fear and hurt because I think she knows why.

I let out a deep breath, knowing if there’s one thing I regret from this time, from any of the times we’ve been apart, it’s this. Going to Sarah’s, even if it was just to check Evie really wasn’t there, it would have been the right thing to do. I’d missed Evie for so long and here I was, with an opportunity to find her again and I didn’t take it. Instead, like a fucking child, I did the exact same thing to her that I was angry with her for doing to me.

“I guess because I knew you hadn’t come to find me,” I say, forcing my eyes to stay on hers. “It hurt, baby, when I found that out.
It
hurt and
I
hurt that you didn’t want to see me, and I guess…I don’t know. I guess a part of me wanted to punish you for that,” I whisper, my eyes locked on hers. “And I know that sounds awful and yes, I still feel like shit for doing it. I was being a fucking idiot, a stubborn arse and I still regret it now.”

“No,” she says, still watching me as she lowers her hand and smoothes it over my chest. “It actually sounds kinda fair. You’re right, Ben, I was punishing you in a way. I was hurt too, I was hurt and I was angry. But most of all, I was scared. Scared that you might have moved on, scared that I’d left it too late to find you again and you’d gone and found someone else.”

“Evie…” I murmur, wanting to let her know that I didn’t, that I couldn’t do that, even after four long years. Even with the few half-arsed attempts I did make to try and move on. It just never worked out and I could never do it.

“I was trying to work out how to live without you,” she continues, not letting me speak. “Trying to work out how the hell I was supposed to let you go, how I was supposed to move on and forget you, even though forgetting you is the one thing I never want to do.” A tear falls down her cheek now and I see my thumb reach out and gently brush it away. Evie smiles sadly at me, leaning into my hand as she stares back at me. “I feel awful for doing that to you,” she whispers. “Awful that we wasted so much time.”

“So do I, baby,” I whisper back. “After what happened next, I was kicking myself for not just pulling my head out of my arse and going to Sarah’s to find you.”

Evie smiles sadly at me again, not saying anything as her eyes fall to the letter once more. “Did you mean it?” she eventually whispers, not looking at me now.

I reach out and slide my fingers under her chin, tilting her face so she’s forced to look at me. “Mean what?”

“This,” she says, holding the letter up. “About giving me one more month and then letting me go, did you mean it?”

I can see it in her eyes. Not just the hurt at all the things we did to each other, but the fear too. The fear that we really could have lost each other during this time. It’s unfounded, because there’s no way in hell I ever would have given up on her. No matter what had happened, whether she’d never come back to me, or what I said in those letters, I would’ve carried Evie with me for the rest of my life.

I smile at her as I pull her body up mine and lean in, my eyes open as I press my lips to hers. We don’t kiss, just gently rest against each other. I can feel her soft breaths, mixing with mine, see her eyes as she continues to look at me and wait for my answer.

“No, baby,” I whisper against her mouth. “I never would’ve given up on you, or us. They were just words, angry words that I blurted out, never really thinking you’d ever get to see them.”

“Why did you show me?” she whispers back, knowing I could have so easily hidden not just this, but several of the letters that came before it, from her.

But that wouldn’t be telling her my story. And just like I know she hasn’t done in her book, I’m not keeping anything from her. I smile and this time I do kiss her lips before pulling back and cupping her cheek in my hand. “Because we talk about everything, remember?” I say, repeating the words we said back when we finally found each other again. “There are no secrets, baby, not between us.”

Evie’s eyes close as she leans back in and kisses me again, harder this time, as though she’s kissing away the past and all of the mistakes we’ve made. It’s the kiss I would have given her the second we found each other again, had she not been taken away from me so quickly.

“Are we up to that yet?” Evie asks, somehow knowing exactly what I’m thinking right now.

I pull back, smiling at her as I say, “The train station?” Evie nods. “Yeah we are,” I say. “But tell me something first.”

“Anything,” she whispers.

I smile at her again. “Why’d you finally decide to call me that night? After all that time, why’d you finally decide to do it?”

Evie laughs a little now. “Um, you have met Sarah, right?” she says, chuckling. “Just so you know, she might not have told you where I was, but that girl is your biggest fan. I don’t think she shut up about you from the second I arrived in Oxford till the second I left to come and see you.”

I laugh now. “So you basically called me to shut Sarah up,” I say, teasing her.

Evie’s smile falters a little, but she forces it back as she meets my stare. “Yeah, I guess so. But mostly I called because I just really, really missed you, Ben. As scared as I was at the thought of you having moved on, I knew I’d never be able to live with myself if I didn’t at least try. It wouldn’t have mattered how many times I forgot and then remembered everything that had happened, because I never, ever forgot that I loved you. That I
love
you.”

“Good,” I say as I pull her back for another kiss. “That’s the only thing you ever need to remember,” I say, reaching for the next letter.

29 February 2000

Dear Evie,

Bloody hell, that was so close, baby. So fucking close.

And god, I don’t even know how to begin to describe tonight. On the one hand I was so bloody glad you finally called me. Hearing your voice, knowing that you still wanted to see me. God, it was such a relief, like a weight that I’d been carrying around for the last 4 years had finally been lifted.

But then to miss you like that, to not even get a chance to touch you, that killed me, Evie. It was like being thrown back into the nightmare all over again.

And the worst part of all, I know that now, you don’t remember me anymore, and I have no idea how long it’s going to take you this time around. I also know that when you do, when you finally get the trigger, you won’t just remember me, you’ll also remember everything that I did to you, everything that happened to us four years ago. And I’m scared about what that means, about what that’s going to do to us the second time around. Because I can’t wait another 4 years to see you again, baby. I really can’t.

God, Evie, if there’s ever been one thing that I wish you could remember, it’s that you wanted to see me tonight. You wanted this, Evie. Which means you
want us
. You aren’t ready to let us go yet. And you know what, neither am I…neither am I.

The only positive thing in all this is that I finally got to tell you that I love you again. And when you said the same words back to me, the relief I felt, it’s indescribable. I’m just so fucking glad you know I still feel this way about you… and that maybe you still feel this way too.

This gives me hope you know…hope that we can fix this.

And even though you’re now gone and you will have forgotten me and when you finally remember, you’ll have to remember everything that happened all over again, I’m holding on to that hope.

I have no idea how you do this every four years, Evie. How you keep going through it, remembering all of our memories, all of the nightmares, over and over again. It’s so different for me, because I never forget them. But I never forget the good times either, and that’s what I’m hanging on to right now, it’s what I’m hoping you’ll remember above everything else. Because we had a lot of good times, baby. And I promise you, when you come back to me, we’re gonna have a lot more.

I’m not sure what I’m supposed to do next. I want to find you, want to get you back and fix all of this properly, but I still have no idea where to start. Nothing I’ve ever done has worked, so I guess I just have to wait again.

But just know I’m not going anywhere, ok? I’m staying right here in London, and I’m going to wait for you to find me again.

This isn’t over between us, Evie. I will wait for you, I promise.

I love you…I love you so much.

Love,

Ben x