Waiting For You (8 page)

After we’ve showered, we walk back into the living room to grab our clothes.

“Maybe we should go to bed,” Evie says, glancing in the direction of our bedroom.

“You wanna finish reading them tomorrow?” I ask.

She shakes her head, smiling as she says, “No, just finish reading them in bed. Make it easier with all this debt I’m working off, right?”

I laugh. “Yeah, I might need to start banking some of that actually. You may have worn me out.”

Evie scoffs as she grabs the box of letters. I pick up the other box and together we walk into our bedroom, dumping our clothes on the floor before sliding under the covers.

“Worn you out,” she says, leaning back against my shoulder. “Like that’s
ever
going to happen.”

“I don’t know, I’m not as young as I used to be, babe,” I say, wrapping my arm around her shoulder and settling her against me.

Evie laughs. “Oh, okay old man, I’ll remember that. In the meantime, I never got to ask you my questions.”

I grin as I press a kiss to her neck. “No, you were more interested in molesting me I think, but go ahead, ask away.”

Evie laughs as she pokes my stomach. “And are you complaining about that?” she asks.

I shake my head, so glad that her earlier sadness has now gone. I know that what just happened between us was about so much more than just sex. It was about feeling connected, about proving to each other just how
much
we need each other. God knows we once went forever without it, even after she finally came back to me and we sorted everything out. Me breaking my back put a damper on that reunion in a big way, and I think both of us has always been trying to get that lost time back. Trying to remind each other that
this
is how we really feel about each other.

“Ben?” she asks, poking me in the ribs this time.

I laugh as I tilt her face up and press a hard kiss against her mouth. “Nope, not one bit.”

“Didn’t think so,” she says, smiling up at me. “Should we move on?”

“No questions then, you’re good?” I ask, kissing her again.

“We’re good, Ben,” she says, smiling. “
We
are good.”

10 March 1996

Dear Evie,

It’s been 11 days and you are still gone.

Mum and dad came back today too. I still have no idea where you are and I finally got my letter for where I’m going.

It’s London, Evie, I’m going to London. So is Paul, we’re both are, but you know what, I don’t even want to go anymore. I don’t want to leave this place because you’re not coming with me and none of this means anything without you.

We were supposed to do this together, Evie, you and me. This was the start of our new life together. You and me, on our own, living together like grown-ups.

Instead, Paul and I are now getting a flat together. We aren’t working at the same station, but because I don’t have you, he and I are just going to live together. He broke up with Lily you know. Well she sort of broke up with him, didn’t want to move and didn’t want to do the long distance thing either. He figures it was a sign, good timing or whatever.

Paul keeps asking what’s going on with you and me. He saw you go running down the stairs that night, saw me go running after you. Everyone saw me come back alone, everyone knows you never came back. That you still haven’t come back.

The questions, Evie, so many fucking questions. I get them all the time, from everyone. They never stop fucking asking them and all I want to do is scream at everybody to shut the fuck up. To tell them that they have no idea, no one has any fucking idea what’s really going on here. No one knows what this is like, no one knows what we go through, no one.

Sarah’s worried sick about you. She and I have been spending a lot of time together because I think we both know that we are each other’s link to you. A part of me hopes that if you get your trigger and you don’t want to see me, that maybe you’ll want to see her. I don’t want that to happen, but if it can’t be me, then yeah, I want it to be her.

I don’t know…

All I do know is that this is killing me, Evie. Being apart from you has never felt this hard before. Being without you after everything that’s happened, during all of the years, but especially last night. Knowing there is no way I can fix this, that I can’t find you and explain it so that you understand, it’s fucking awful.

I don’t know what to do, baby. I miss you so much and everyone thinks we’ve broken up and no one knows why and they just won’t stop asking me questions.

Questions I don’t know how to answer. Questions I don’t want to answer.

Please, Evie, please just come back to me.

I miss you so much, baby.

Love,

Ben x

Evie lets out a deep breath. There are no tears this time though, it’s more like she’s gathering strength, preparing herself for what’s to come.

“Not fun, huh?” I ask her, kissing the top of her head.

She shakes her head. “No,” she says. “And you know what, all these things, how you were feeling. I was feeling it too,” she says. “I just didn’t know why.”

I half laugh. “I would’ve given anything to not know why,” I say, almost to myself.

Evie’s head falls back onto my shoulder and she stares up at me. “Funny, I would have given anything to be able to know,” she says. “I didn’t know what was wrong with me, why I felt so sad and lost.”

I lean in and kiss her, knowing there is nothing I can say to make it any better. It is what it is, and deep down, we both know that.

“Should we keep going?” I ask, knowing I just want to get through this part as quickly as possible.

Evie nods and I hand her the next letter.

2 June 1996

Dear Evie,

I’m leaving.

Today is the day Paul and I move to London. I still have no idea where you are and I don’t know what I’m supposed to do here. I have to go, because I have to believe that one day you’ll find me again. That somehow you’ll find a way to forgive me or at the very least, let me explain. And when that day comes, I want to be ready, because I’m going to tell you everything, baby. And I’m going to get you back.

I’ve left my details with Sarah and with Mum and Dad. Rachel too, although she’s still living at home for the moment. They all know how to reach me, ok? And there’s Paul’s mum too, if that helps. I guess I don’t know who you’re going to reach out to. Maybe it won’t be me. I hope so, but I’m kind of thinking it won’t. I don’t know how things are going to go when your memories come back. I know when it happens you remember everything, so I know that means when you do, you’ll remember everything about that night too.

So Sarah, ok. If you have to talk to someone, talk to Sarah. She knows everything. Well, not about you disappearing, but she knows everything about that night, about what really happened. We’ve spent a lot of time together, trying to work out where you are. It’s been strange, searching like that when I can’t tell her the full story. But I’ve spent a lot of time telling her about what really happened that night, what that stupid girl did, what I didn’t do. She’s so worried about you, Evie. So am I.

We both just miss you, baby, so much.

Please…please come back.

I love you,

Ben x

15 August 1996

Dear Evie,

It’s been a while I know and I’m sorry. I just…I’ve been so busy with work and training and courses and shit. Although none of that’s why I haven’t written. I just…I’m just so fucking lonely, Evie. So lonely and sad and hurt and I just don’t know what to say to you. I don’t want to just write these things down, I want to talk to you, see you. I want to
be
with you, Evie.

I’d apologise a million times over if I thought it was going to bring you back to me. But you know what, I’ve done that and nothing has happened, you still haven’t come back. And it’s not like you’re even getting these letters anyway. It’s not like any of what I say here is going to make a difference.

I’m not giving up though, I promise. I’m just…I don’t know. I’m struggling, baby. A lot. Losing you is always bad enough, but losing you like this…

I really just need you to come home…please.

Love,

Ben x

25 December 1996

Dear Evie,

It’s Christmas and I’m back in Fleet with Mum and Dad and Rachel. But not you. You should be here, Evie, and what makes it a million times worse is that everyone’s stopped asking me about you. Everyone’s stopped asking where you are or what the hell happened between us or when you’re ever coming back.

And as much as I hated the questions, as much as I hated the constant reminder of everything that had happened between us, it’s only now that they’ve stopped that I realise how much I needed them. I needed them to help me keep you real, to help keep you with me. I’m afraid that if everyone just starts pretending you never existed, that somehow you won’t. That you’ll really disappear this time and I won’t ever get you back.

And I can’t let that happen, Evie…I really can’t.

God, I miss you so much. So much. Nothing is the same without you here to share it with. None of this means anything anymore and I don’t know what I’m going to do.

I need you to come back, Evie. Please…please I’m begging you baby, I’ll do anything. Please just give me a chance to explain.

I love you more than anything,

Ben xx

28 February 1997

Dear Evie,

It’s your 21st birthday today.

Happy birthday, baby.

It’s also been a whole year since you disappeared and I still don’t know where you are. We’ve never been apart like this before and it’s killing me because I don’t know if you just haven’t remembered me yet, or because you really don’t want to see me anymore.

I miss you so much, Evie. I miss talking to you, seeing you smile, making you laugh. I just miss being with you. And I know that all of this is my fault. As much as it kills me to say this, there’s a part of me that understands why you haven’t found me yet, even if you do remember me already.

It’s taken me a long time to understand why you might be doing this. I always hoped that it was just because you didn’t remember me…and I don’t know if you do yet, but the thing is, I get it. I hurt you, didn’t I? I did the one thing I swore I would never do and as much as I wish I could make you understand, make you see what really happened that I night, right now I can’t.

Mum and Dad have started asking about you again. I think they thought that maybe today we might have talked, being that it’s your birthday and all. It was hard telling them that we hadn’t, that we might never. They miss you too, you know? They hate that they never got a chance to say goodbye to you. I had to tell them some lies at first, make up some bullshit to cover up what had happened. That hurt, not being able to tell anyone the truth, but at the same time I didn’t want to say it out loud either. I couldn’t bring myself to admit what a fucking dickhead I’d been. I can now though. Now I get it, I get why you’re so mad at me. But shit, Evie, if you would just give me a chance to explain. To tell you what really happened that night.

It was all such a huge misunderstanding and you know what… I still miss you, baby. So fucking much.

I’m doing everything I can to try and find you, even though I have no idea how to even begin. I’ve been back to all the places you once were, but nothing…

I will though, because I really need to explain this to you. Even if you just listen and then walk away, as much as that will break my heart, I just want to you to understand that I didn’t do this. That I never did anything with her, but more than that, that I never meant to hurt you. I need you to know I’m not that kind of guy.

I love you, Eva. Please remember that. Please hear these words, wherever you are. Hear them and find your way back to me.

I miss you like crazy.

Ben x

28 February 1998

Dear Evie,

God, it’s been two years now.

And I’m in agony here, Evie, seriously. And I know you’re hurting too, I get it, I really get it, ok? But baby, this is
fucking killing me
. I don’t know if you don’t remember me, you don’t want to see me or…god I can’t believe I’m even saying this, something has happened to you and for some reason, you can’t find me.

I can’t imagine going through life not knowing if something has happened to you. I can’t imagine not ever seeing you again. Paul keeps telling me to get over it, to let you go and to move on, but I just can’t do that. I can’t let you go because I’m not ready to give you up. He doesn’t get it anyway, and as much as I’d love to explain it all to him, tell him the real story, I know I can’t.

Aside from the fact he’d never in a million years believe me, I know it’s not my secret to tell. It’s yours and I guess it’s ours and I don’t want to share it with anyone until I know you’re ok with that too.

I miss you so much, Evie. So much it hurts. And it’s a hurt that isn’t ever going to go away. In fact, it’s only getting worse… Whoever said that time heals all wounds was full of shit. I’d like to punch that fucker in the face, because I can tell you now, time does not heal the wounds. It makes them worse…so much worse. I have no idea how to make any of this hurt go away, and to be honest, right now I don’t think I want to live without it.

Because my hurt, all the things I’m feeling right now, are my only proof that you really exist. This hurt is my proof that I really love you. I know that if I didn’t feel like this right now, then what we have together, how I feel about you, wouldn’t be real. People say that love is all about happiness and joy and blah, blah, blah. But you know what, if you take that all of that away, of course the only thing you can be left with is pain. If I don’t have the one thing that makes me happy, then I can’t possibly feel anything but pain.

And that’s all I’m feeling right now. Pain.

I really need you, Evie. I really need you to come back to me.

Ben x

P.S. I don’t know if you’ll ever read these. I really hope you do. You’re probably wondering why it’s been a year since I last wrote to you. I don’t have an answer for that…I started so many times, but they all ended up in the bin. Stupid, rambling words that never made any sense. I feel like I’ve spent a lot of this past year drunk, Evie, and anything I wrote down either didn’t make sense or only belonged in the bin. But just because I haven’t written, it doesn’t mean that I’ve forgotten. I NEVER forget you Eva, never. And more than anything, I really just need you to remember me, baby. Please…