Waiting For You (4 page)

“It says here you were going to look for me?” she says, holding up the letter again.

I smile as I take it from her hand, remembering these words even though they are over two decades old. God, what I wouldn’t give to be able to go back and tell my younger self not to give up, no matter how tough things got, never to give up. To tell him that he hadn’t just met his best friend and future girlfriend, but the love of his life too. And I’d tell him not to waste any time either, because every second he got with her was important. Every second had to count.

“I did look,” I say, still staring at the letter. “As much as I could anyway. I was only fourteen remember, but I’d drag Paul all over the neighbourhood, never telling him what we were really doing, only that I wanted to explore.”

“He never caught on?”

I lower the paper and turn back to her. “I think he probably knew I was looking for something,” I say, knowing Paul used to hassle me about Evie all the time when we were kids. The three of us hung out a lot and I guess he figured out pretty quickly that I liked her. It was all in good fun though, but he certainly never let me forget my crush on her. And I knew that when Evie wasn’t around, he wondered where she was just as much as I did. “But he never actually asked what it was about, not then anyway.”

“Huh,” she says, letting out a slow breath, almost as though she knows we’ll get to that later. “I can’t even begin to imagine how all of this must have felt for you. Trying to work it all out, trying to find me when you had no idea where to even start.”

“I can’t imagine how waking up in a different house with no memory of the previous day would have felt for you,” I say.

Evie smiles at me. “It’s funny, I always thought that out of the two of us, I was the one who had it easier. I mean, I didn’t remember, I had no idea what I’d left behind. But you,” she says, pausing to brush the hair back from my face again. “You remembered everything and you were the one who was always left behind to try and explain it all. You were the one who had to come up with reasons for why this all happened to me.”

“To us,” I say, correcting her.

Evie smiles at me. “To us,” she repeats.

I smile back at her. “I guess neither of us had it easy,” I say, staring into her eyes. “We just had it different.”

“Yeah…” she murmurs, almost lost in thought.

“So,” I say, grinning as I tighten my arm around her waist. “Any more questions?”

Evie shakes her head as she smiles back at me. “I don’t think so,” she says.

“In that case,” I say, eyeing the kitchen. “How about we reacquaint ourselves with the kitchen table and then you can have your next letter?”

Evie laughs as she leans in and kisses me. “Oh, one more thing,” she says, pausing as she flicks a glance at the letter again.

“Yes?”

She smiles now, a cheeky grin on her face as she says, “Baby Ben really was quite adorable.”

I burst out laughing, sliding my hand to her arse as I murmur, “I’ll show you baby Ben.”

29 Feb 1992

Dear Evie,

It’s been ten minutes since you left and already I miss you. It’s so different this time around because this time everything between us is different. Not just that I knew it was going to happen or that I was with you when it did. But because you’re my girlfriend now, Evie, and…well you know, I really didn’t want you to leave.

But you have and I have no idea how long it’s going to be before I see you again. Last time it took over a year. This time, I hope you find me quicker. I’ll be looking for you again.

I guess I should tell you what tonight was like for me. It was different from last time, mainly because you were actually sitting beside me. I could feel your body pressed against mine, could feel your breath on my face, your lips as I bent to kiss you. It was everything I wanted to hold onto, and then I stupidly closed my eyes this time. I closed them because I was kissing you and it seems weird to kiss with eyes open…right? Anyway, when I opened my eyes, you were gone. I knew you would be, because I could no longer feel you, or your lips. One second you were here and the next, you weren’t.

You know what was left behind though…your clothes. I kind of never expected that, and I’ll admit, I was shocked. Do you wake up naked wherever you end up? Because if you do, I’m kinda bummed I miss that, Evie. But on the plus side, you know what I now have…your underwear :)

Don’t worry; I’m not going to do anything with it. It’s my secret souvenir, my proof that you are real, my proof that you were once sitting beside me. You’ll be with me again, Evie, I know it. Somehow, and I don’t know how to explain this, but I know we will find each other again.

We have so far and I think that means something.

And in the meantime, I’ll wait. I’ll wait for as long as I have to before I get my girlfriend back.

But hurry up and find me, ok…I miss you already.

Ben x

P.S. I really wish I’d said this to you tonight before you left. I don’t know why I didn’t, scared I guess…but…well, here goes… I love you, Evie. A lot.

“You kept my underwear?” Evie asks. We’re back sitting on the couch now, both of us wrapped in the blanket, our clothes still in a pile on the floor. The kitchen table is a bit of a mess, this morning’s paper now spread all over the floor after I swept it there when I carried her over to it. “Ben, seriously?” she asks.

I grin at her, raising my eyebrows as I say, “Yep, still have them too.”

“You do not!” she says, shocked.

“Oh yes I do.”

“Bullshit, prove it,” she says, shoving me off the couch.

I laugh, shaking my head at her as I stand and pull on my clothes, throwing hers at her so she can do the same. I’m definitely not finished with her yet, and she’s paying for these questions too, but I’m not gonna strut around the living room naked either.

While Evie gets dressed, I walk back into our bedroom and crouch down next to the bed. Underneath it, I find another shoebox that I’ve stashed under there, this one filled with more than just letters. I wish I’d been smart enough to start all of this earlier, the first time she went.

When I walk back out to the living room, Evie has grabbed the bottle of wine from the kitchen and refilled our glasses. I watch as her eyes widen when she sees what I’m carrying.

“Wow, how much stuff have you kept?” she asks, crossing her legs underneath her.

“A few things,” I say, smiling as I sit down beside her.

“Such as,” she says, reaching for the box.

“Uh uh,” I say, gently smacking her hand. She pouts up at me and I can’t help but laugh as I lean in and kiss her. “Wait, Little Miss Impatient. I’ll show you everything when you need to see it.”

Evie folds her arms across her chest as though she’s not sure whether she should be pissed off because I’m not showing her now, or begging me so that I will. It makes me laugh as I shake my head in a silent
no
. She glares at me and I stick my tongue out at her now as I lift the corner of the lid to find what I’m looking for, careful to make sure she can’t see what else is inside.

“Ahhh, here it is,” I say, as I hold up a black pair of knickers and a matching bra for her.

“Oh my god,” she whispers, snatching them from my hand. “You really kept them?”

“I really did,” I say, smiling at her. “Never even washed them, either.”

“Ugh, shit,” she suddenly says, throwing them onto the coffee table. “Ben, seriously?”

I burst out laughing as I wrap an arm around her shoulder and pull her against me. “I know, it’s kinda gross when you think about it, isn’t it?”

“It’s kinda pervy, actually,” she says, staring at the offending items on the coffee table.

I laugh, reaching to grab something else from the box. “What about this, you glad I kept this?” I ask, holding a piece of paper out to her.

Evie takes it from my hand. I watch as her smile disappears now, the shock returning as she stares at the words scrawled across the page in black marker. They are huge, but I needed to make them that way so she could see what I was asking her that night. She traces her fingers over them, silently saying the question as she reads it.

Will you be my girlfriend?

“Wow,” she says. “I can’t believe you still have this.”

“I know,” I say, pressing a kiss to the top of her head. “Although to be fair, I kind of found it by accident, I think when I was packing up my stuff to move out. But I figured it was worth keeping so I added it to the collection.”

Evie stares up at me and I can see the look of amazement on her face. I know she was shocked when I told her about the letters tonight, that maybe she never expected I would do something like this. But I’m pretty sure that shock has only grown now that she’s seen all of this too.

“What else do you have in there, Ben?” she whispers.

I grin at her. “You’ll see, baby. I promise.”

Evie shakes her head at me because she knows I’m not budging on this. “Okay then, tell me what it was like having me disappear right in front of you,” she says. “As opposed to just seeing it happened. Was it different…I mean do I just vanish?”

I smile at her as I nod my head. “Yeah, pretty much,” I confirm. “It’s basically one second you’re here and the next…you’re not.” I pause, trying to remember exactly how that moment feels. Even though it only happened twenty-four hours ago, the feeling is quick, just like her disappearance. “It feels as though I blink and you’re gone, even if I’m sure I haven’t blinked at all. You just vanish, in a second,” I say, clicking my fingers as Evie’s hand smoothes over my leg, reminding me of how else it feels. “When I’m actually with you though, it’s even more different. I can feel you; feel your body against mine. You’re touching me and I’m touching you, so I know you’re real, I know you’re here with me. Then there’s nothing, like an emptiness that almost doesn’t feel real. The change from you touching me to not touching me is weird. I can’t really describe it, because it happens too quickly to even register it, but if I had to say anything, it’s almost like I feel you being pulled away from me and then you’re gone.”

“Really,” she murmurs, her eyes wide.

I nod. “Yep, it’s hard to explain though, because it’s just so quick.”

“Maybe next time we should video it or something,” she suggests. “So I can see it too?”

I grin. “Oh I know something we can video.”

Evie slaps my leg. “Ben!”

I laugh. “What, babe? Two birds, one stone, that’s all I’m saying.”

“Yeah, yeah,” she says, smiling as she rolls her eyes at me. “But it might be cool to see, that’s all.”

“And what if someone else saw it,” I ask, my smile disappearing as I think about the full implications of what that could mean. “What if someone found the video?”

Evie shrugs. “Yeah, that could be awkward.”

“Awkward would be an understatement,” I say, as all sorts of nightmare scenarios flash through my brain. It’s still four years away until she disappears, and I guess anything could happen in that time, but I still don’t want to do it. Not when I know it could end up in the wrong hands, that someone else could discover our secret. “Nope,” I say, shaking my head now. “I don’t think we should do that. I don’t want to risk you becoming some sort of science experiment, baby,” I say, kissing the top of her head. “And I think if anyone else was to find it and see what happens to you, then it could get dangerous. It would change things.”

Evie smiles at me and I can tell she thinks the exact same thing. Her disappearance has always just been our secret and I guess just like I thought this morning, that’s what makes it that much more special. We might not like it, but we are the only two who share it, know and talk about it. Ironically enough, it’s actually something that brings us closer together, even when it’s the one thing forcing us apart.

“Yeah, I think you’re right,” she eventually says, smiling at me.

 
I grin at her. “Of course I’m right,” I say. “Now, anything else you want to ask me about that letter?” I ask, gesturing to it.

Evie turns to stare at it, a million thoughts flashing across her face as she tries to decide which one she wants to ask me about. She doesn’t say anything though and I can’t resist leaning over and whispering in her ear, “Nothing about the postscript, maybe?”

Her head falls onto my shoulder as a slow smile spreads across her face. “You said it first,” she whispers.

“Well, sort of,” I say, squeezing her shoulder. “I really should have said it to you that night though.”

“I should have too,” she says quietly, still staring at the words at the bottom of the page. Words I nervously wrote back then, but which are words that come so easily to me now. The words I never stop saying to her because I know when time is against you, they are words that always need to be said.

I smile, remembering that night and Evie sneaking into my room. I’d thrown rocks at her window about an hour before it was going to happen, long after both of us should’ve been asleep. I was awake though, awake and trying not to think about what was going to happen that night. Trying desperately to come up with a way to make it all stop. When she’d looked out her window, I’d just waved at her, telling her to come over. She hadn’t even hesitated, just nodded once before sneaking downstairs and meeting me at my front door. My parents would not have been happy had they caught us, but neither of us cared as I took her upstairs to my bedroom, careful to avoid all the creaking stairs on the way up.

“I wonder what would’ve happened if we had said it that night,” I murmur, remembering the thrill of having her in my bedroom when no one else knew, when I definitely shouldn’t have had her there. The possibility of everything that could have happened that night.

Evie chuckles a little. “Why do you think I was wearing the black underwear, Ben?”

My heart stops in my chest as I register what she’s just said to me. “Whoah, hold up…what are you talking about?” I ask, pulling back to stare at her.

Evie grins up at me now, her eyes alive with amusement. “Well…” she says, biting her bottom lip. “I was kind of hoping…”

“You were?” I ask her, shocked.

Evie nods. “Yep, I sorta hoped you were, too.”

“Fuck,” I breathe out, amazed that she wanted things to go further that night. It was practically all I’d been thinking about for days, weeks, months even. It’s like I was permanently turned on, horny as fucking hell and I wanted nothing more than to, well, to do what I just did to her thirty minutes ago. “Shit, Evie, why didn’t you say anything?”

She shrugs at me. “I don’t know. I guess I was nervous, scared about what was coming…”

“Wow, I could think of something else that could’ve been coming.”

“Ben!” she says, laughing as she whacks me in the stomach.

I grin at her. “Well, come on, babe. I was a teenage boy. I had needs you know, urges…wants…” I squeeze her harder with each of my words, loving the tiny blush that creeps over her cheeks.

“Uh huh,” she says, smiling up at me. “And now that you’re supposedly a grown man, that’s changed how exactly?”

I laugh. “Dunno, guess it hasn’t really.”

“No, I
know
it hasn’t,” she says, kissing my neck. “But I’m not complaining, trust me.”

I grin, pulling her closer. “Anyway, having your underwear definitely helped with all that. I’m pretty sure I spent the next eight months dreaming about you wearing it. It was good material for…you know, helping myself out…”

Evie groans at what I’m telling her. “Oh dear god, we need to move on,” she says. “Now.”

“So no more questions?” I ask.

“Give me the next letter,” she says, holding out her hand.

I laugh, pushing her back onto the couch. “Pay up first, babe.”