Wanted (15 page)

The silence shifted again, filling the distance between them with a sweet expectation.

Slowly, they continued to walk through the trees. After a few moments, over a ridge in the distance, Katie saw a buck, its grand rack of antlers proudly displayed. She pointed.

“
Ah,
yes. He is a beauty, for sure.” Together they smiled when two other deer carefully moved out of the cover of
evergreens and stepped into the clearing. Then, as one caught sight or smell of them, they darted away as one.

“Did you have your rifle?” Katie knew deer meat would last a good long time.

“I didn't need it today. I shot a deer at the beginning of hunting season. Eli and I divided it up—he's making sausage for me. So, I don't need any more.”

“I'm mighty glad. I do love to look at their graceful presence.”

“I do, too.”

Finally they came to the perfect oak tree. It was a homely, rather short and stunted thing, but the trunk was good and solid, and the lines were lovely. With little effort, Jonathan chopped it down. Birds and squirrels around them squawked in annoyance as the branches cracked and fell to the ground with a hefty thump.

Holding the sturdy ax in his right hand as if it was no heavier than a fork, he glanced her way. “Could you hold this for me?”

“Surely.” She tried not to show her surprise when she realized just how strong Jonathan was. The ax had to weigh over ten pounds, at least.

Katie then stood to one side as Jonathan wrapped a rope around the bottom branches and began to pull.

By the time they got back to the wagon, Katie felt glorious. Her cheeks burned from the cold, but her body was warm, thanks to the added weight of the ax and the brisk pace in which they returned to the wagon. After securing the tree onto the open back, Jonathan pulled out the basket. “Do you think we could have our snacks now?”

“Of course.” Feeling like a child playing house, Katie scrambled back to the bench seat and poured two cups of cocoa into thick ceramic mugs.

Jonathan sipped gratefully. “It's still warm.”

Wrapping her mittened hands around her mug, Katie nodded. “I'm glad.” She opened a tin. “Cookie?”

“You like to bake very much, don't you?”

She was surprised he'd noticed. “Yes.”

“It shows. You are a mighty good cook.”

“Thank you. I…enjoy cooking.” Handing him the tin, she hastened to come up with something else to say. “Hannah was in charge of making the thumbprints in each one of these.”

He bit into his with obvious pleasure. “It's been nice to see the kitchen so busy. You have a great way with Mary and Hannah. The girls' moods have brightened considerably since you came.”

“I'm glad. I like being with them.”

“I know they like you, too. The girls enjoy your company, Katie.”

She bit into a cookie to refrain from answering.

But that seemed to be just fine for Jonathan. To her surprise, he even seemed to be in the mood to chat. “Katie, when I first came to your home, when I first came to speak with you, I was only thinking of needin' someone till Winnie came back.”

“I know.”

“When your father mentioned how they were worried about the two of us being alone, I have to tell you, it took
me by surprise. I had always assumed things would stay the way they were. I hadn't counted on things changing.”

“Have they?”

“I think so. Yes. Especially after our talk the other night.”

“How do you feel now?”

He hung his head. “Well, it's like this. After I went back to my room, I did a lot of thinking. I thought about the past, and what I hope to find in the future. I did some thinking about Winnie, too.”

“What did you discover?”

“It occurred to me that your advice made a lot of sense. I can't be responsible for everything that's happened in my life. That's God's job. It is mine to accept and to prayerfully let the events guide me.” He paused, as if carefully weighing each word. “I also realized that I can't blame myself for Sarah's death anymore.”

His words shocked her. Everyone had known that Sarah's buggy accident was just that—an accident. “I never knew you felt you were to blame. Why do you?”

“She was my wife. I let her go where she wanted to go. I let her drive that buggy whenever and wherever she wanted to. Maybe if I had told her no, it wouldn't have happened.”

In spite of the gravity of the conversation, Jonathan's words made her smile. “I knew Sarah. She was a good woman. But she wasn't the type of person to be told what to do, Jonathan. Even I know that. I don't think she would have listened to you if you had told her no.”

“I think I finally have come to believe that, too.” After sipping the last of his drink, he set the mug down. “Yes, it
is definitely time for me to move forward. And that is why I think it is time that we came to an agreement.”

With shaking hands, Katie set her mug down as well. Was this what she thought it was? “An agreement?”

Jonathan's face couldn't have been more beet red. “I've seen how wonderful good you would be for our family. I see that there is much I've been missing. You are perfect for the girls. Mary and Hannah need a woman like you—a person of honor and goodness to look up to.”

That was all fine and good. Katie did, indeed, want to be a good mother to the girls. But love from two little girls wasn't all she needed. She needed love from their father, as well. “And you?” she whispered. “What…what do you need?”

“I need a wife.”

“I see.”

“Any man would be happy to have a wife like you, Katie.”

His words weren't enough. She wanted them to be. She wanted to be excited about a life with him. But in her heart, Katie knew she had to have love. Otherwise, how could she ever live with her regrets about Brandon? She could have had a life with Brandon, but she'd refused to marry someone she didn't love with all of her heart.

Now, here, the opposite was happening. She could have the man she loved, but she wouldn't have his heart.

The irony of it all—the frustration of it all—made her want to burst into tears. When was it ever going to be her time? When would she ever find a relationship that was equal and meant to be?

Of course, she could never bring up all of that to him.

Neither could she tell Jonathan about Brandon. After all, what would he say if he ever learned just how close she'd been to leaving their order? What would Jonathan say if he knew that she'd made many mistakes? That she'd taken advantage of Holly's friendship because she wanted freedom. Because she'd wanted to know how it felt to have an English boy like her.

What would Jonathan say if he found out she was not as near as complacent as she'd led him to believe? Would he still want her?

Of course he wouldn't.

Just as important, what would happen if he never found out about her
rumspringa
? Could Katie face a future filled with secrets?

She quickly sipped her hot chocolate to keep from answering.

Yet, he noticed her dillydallying. “Katie, do you have an answer for me?” Scanning her face, he added quickly, “I intend to speak with your father, of course, but I was eager to speak with you first.”

She couldn't give him an answer. Not yet. It was hard to wrap her mind around his proposal. The moment felt so different than how she'd always imagined it would be.

Did she even love him? Or was Jonathan Lundy yet another “goal” she'd tried to attain?

To even think such a thing felt wrong.

Against her will, she thought of Brandon. He'd freely confessed his feelings for her. She'd known in an instant that she needed to get away from him. It wasn't right to use his feelings.

But…Jonathan hadn't mentioned love.

“Katie, must you make me wait so long? The question wasn't a hard one.”

But that was the problem, wasn't it? It was a terribly hard question for her to answer. “Jonathan…I am not without faults,” she said slowly.

“I know that. I have my faults, too. None of us is without sin.”

She shook her head. “No, that is not what I'm trying to say.”

Cool blue eyes met hers. “What are you trying to say?”

Here was her chance. She could tell him everything. Then she would know if he loved her enough to overlook her past and her faults. Her burdens would be gone and she could start anew.

But just as she opened her mouth to do that, all the words stuck in her throat. With some bit of disappointment, she realized she couldn't do it.

She wasn't as strong and stalwart as she'd always hoped to be. She was too afraid of rejection. Too afraid to make a lifelong mistake. “I…I mean…I need to think about this. Is that all right?”

“Oh. Well,
um, jah
, sure. If that is what you want.”

Katie could tell he was disappointed. She was saddened, too. She was disappointed in herself, and, to a certain extent let down by his proposal. She'd hoped for more words of love and caring. Less about duty and her ability to care for his daughters.

She felt choked by the many complicated feelings roll
ing inside her, and the many harsh truths she had learned about herself.

Slowly, they put away the picnic supplies and settled in for the long ride home. As the breeze picked up, Katie looked around at her surroundings. No longer did the snow-covered ground look magical. No longer did the air feel invigorating and crisp against her skin.

Now she just felt cold.

Jonathan motioned Blacky forward. Without complaint, the sturdy workhorse plodded forward, the weight of the heavy tree not seeming to be a burden. They were on their way home. But this time, instead of moving closer for warmth, they spread farther apart, in accordance with the emotional distance each was feeling.

The cold wind no longer felt fresh and bracing. Instead it burned her cheeks and stung. Her clothes suddenly felt damp and frozen from their snowball fight.

Inside, she felt empty and hollow. She breathed deep and hoped tears wouldn't fall; she wouldn't know how to explain them.

Two days had passed since Jonathan almost proposed. During those forty-eight hours, Katie's feelings had run a gamut of emotions. At times she felt as elated and buoyant as a new day. Other times she felt sure her life had come full circle and she was in a mighty dark place, indeed.

Had Jonathan's offer really been a proposal? Or had it been merely an offer to form an agreement of some sorts, in order to keep things the same? Jonathan didn't seem to make any spur of the moment decisions. Katie doubted he offered marriage without careful consideration of what it would mean to his future.

What would it mean for her future? She was capable of taking care of Mary and Hannah. She could cook and sew, and Jonathan had thought she was companionable. Once again, she remembered watching him just weeks after Sarah's funeral and wishing she could do something—
anything—to bring him comfort. She'd felt so sorry for him. So sorry for his loss.

Back then, when she closed her eyes after her evening's prayers, she'd think about Jonathan. She'd wonder if Rebekeh had been right, that Jonathan would never wish to marry again. But then, she'd also dare to dream that maybe he would. That maybe he would one day look at her differently. With wonder and yearning. Of course time spent getting to know Jonathan had changed some things. Now she no longer thought of him as just a man who needed help and a partner. She no longer just hoped for his attention. She no longer imagined him without flaws, and therefore above her reach.

Instead, she knew him for everything he was, both good and bad. Jonathan kept to himself, while she reached out for people. He still had many feelings for Sarah, while she only had feelings for him.

And, of course, he only saw the best parts of her. He never guessed of the many mistakes she'd made over the years.

If she continued to try to be perfect, she would win him, and win the life she'd always wanted. But then, of course, it would come with a mighty heavy price.

It was all terribly confusing. All she knew was that the thought of what she might be settling for brought tears to her eyes. Though Katie had never been especially close to Rebekeh, her older sister had always been far too practical to pay any mind to dreamy Katie, she tried to recall Rebekeh's feelings about love and marriage.

But all she could remember was inevitability. Rebekeh
had always known she'd marry as soon as she could. Her lovely, practical sister had been courted, engaged, and finally prepared for the wedding with the businesslike manner of a banker. She'd never given a single sign of ever having second thoughts or of looking back and feeling regret.

As far as Katie could tell, Rebekeh was still living that same way. Marriage agreed with her. Duty and faith and family sustained her. To Katie's knowledge, her older sister had never thought about any other path for herself.

Maybe that's where Katie had gone wrong. She was too dreamy and had her head in the clouds too much. Her people wanted structure and predictability in their lives. They wanted faith and function and steadfastness.

Yes, Rebekeh would say Katie thought too much. Heaven knows, her mother had said that time and again. Always her father was more direct. “You are not in charge, Katie,” he liked to say. “God is, and it is His will you should be following. Trust Him, and all will be well.”

Katie, indeed, did trust the Lord's presence in her life. Trusted His hand in all things. But she also felt He was probably too busy with life and death situations to worry about her mixed-up feelings concerning Jonathan Lundy.

Now, though, Katie would give anything for time to rethink the last two days. Though Jonathan hadn't pressed her for an answer, Katie felt the burden of waiting just as strongly as if he was over her shoulder and watching her every move.

With Christmas just one week away, she kept herself busy with Mary and Hannah and did her best not to think
about what could be or what might never be at all. Two days after the girls got out of school for break, Katie bundled them up and took them in the buggy to her parents' home.

Funny how it no longer seemed like it was
her
place. Instead, it was her parents' now. Yet, when she walked in the kitchen and smelled the wonderful scents of almond and vanilla and the sharp tang of peppermint, and oranges, Katie knew she was once again in her family's tender care. Nothing smelled like her mother's kitchen in December.

Anna greeted her with a floury smile. “
Gude mariye
,” she said cheerily. “Good morning.”

Hannah giggled at the awkward pronunciation, but for once, Mary wasn't a picture of disproval. No, her lips twitched, too, finally bursting into an encouraging smile. “You learning more
Deutsche
, Anna?”

“I am. Well, I am, slowly. I want to surprise Henry tonight and only speak in Pennsylvania Dutch. What do you think?” Again, the words were awkward sounding and slow.

Little Hannah wrinkled her nose. “I think he will be eager for you to speak in your own English.”

Katie would have laughed more if her friend's expression didn't look so crestfallen. “You are certainly sounding much more like us, that is for sure. I, for one, am sorely impressed.”

“
Jah?
But what will Henry say?”

Katie knew she'd do her best to find Henry before she left and remind him to compliment Anna, no matter what
she sounded like. “We won't worry about what Henry says,” she said confidently. “I have a feeling he will tell you soon enough.”

Katie spied Anna looking longingly at her mother. “I hope he won't be disappointed. I so want to be a good Amish
fraa
.”

Her mother reached out and hugged Anna with a chuckle. “Oh, Anna, what did we ever do without you? You make me smile so much. Dear, don't you understand? Henry wants you, not an ideal woman. And, well, even we Amish women have our faults.”

With a wink in Mary's direction, her mother added, “We Amish are not perfect, though sometimes we'd like to think so.”

Looking pleased to be included in such a grown-up conversation, Mary lifted her little chin. “We can only do our best,” she said solemnly.

“I supposed you're right,” Anna replied. As if to give evidence to that, one fierce blond curl escaped from her
kapp
. Hastily, Anna tried to secure it but instead caused two other curls to break free and sprinkle flour over her cheeks and forehead in the process. “I don't want to be perfect. But I do want Henry to feel proud of me.”

“He already does, child. We all do.”

For the first time, Katie realized she didn't feel a bit of jealousy about Anna's courtship. Instead, she found herself agreeing wholeheartedly with her mother. “Henry's said more than once that he's amazed at the amount of information you've learned. Our way of doing things can
be quite daunting. I, for one, know you will make a fine Amish wife.” She'd chosen her words carefully, wanting Anna to be reassured.

“Thanks for saying that,” Anna said softly and with a grateful expression. “It means a lot.”

“We came to make cookies,” Hannah proclaimed importantly. “Can we help?”

Mamm
nodded. “Yes, indeed.” Wiping her hands on a towel, she said, “If you've a mind to work in the kitchen, you've most certainly come to the right place. Grab an apron, wash your hands, and I'll put you to work. We need to make cookies for us, our friends, and for our guests here.”

“We give little cookie boxes to our guests when they stay here during the holidays,” Katie explained to the girls. “It's a popular tradition.”

Again, Mary seemed to enjoy the grown-up job. “Something
I
make might go to a guest?”

“Yes, indeed,” Katie replied. “It is a very important task, this cookie making is.”

With ease of one who knew exactly what to do with little girls, her mother gave both girls jobs. Hannah's was to crush pecans with a rolling pin. Mary was put to work rolling out another batch of dough and cutting out stars.

Katie and Anna worked on thumbprint cookies and peanut butter squares, while
Mamm
supervised them all with the ease of many years' experience.

All the while, Katie was caught up on the latest happenings with the guests. It seemed the inn had been even busier than usual, with most guest rooms constantly
filled. And, to everyone's pleasure, many of the guests were repeat ones. They greeted the Brennemans like old friends, which, of course, they were.

Katie enjoyed hearing who had gotten married, had more children, or had other special news to share.

“You're going to have a lot of cookies to box and eat,” Hannah said much later, after Katie's mother took yet another batch of cookies from the oven and set it on a rack to cool. “More cookies than even all your busy guests could
ever
eat, I think.” Still staring at the rows and rows of tantalizing baked goods with wide eyes, she said worriedly, “I don't think everyone at the inn will be able to eat so many.”

Katie grinned. Indeed, cookies of all types decorated every counter both in the kitchen and on the makeshift card table they'd set up in the hearth room. Soon it would be time to begin boxing up the treats or there would be hardly any room to walk around, much less prepare the evening meal.

“You'd be surprised,”
Mamm
replied. “Many a couple come just to be a part of our Christmas traditions. They know we put our best into those cookie boxes.”

Katie laughed. “Girls, one year, we had a couple who only came for dinner and a cookie box. They didn't even stay the night!”

“I would never do that,” Hannah exclaimed. “Well, I don't think I would.”

By now, Katie knew what Hannah was hoping for. “We might need to help out the guests and take some cookies home for us, Hannah.”

“We can do that?”

“Oh, I hope you will,” her
Mamm
said merrily.

“These cookies are
wunderbaar
.” Hannah sidled up to Katie and exuberantly gave her a hug. Touched, Katie hugged her back.

“
Maam
made cookies sometimes, but not like this,” Mary said thoughtfully. “And Winnie isn't too good in the kitchen.”

“Oh, I almost forgot to ask you about Winnie. How is her visit going? Has she written you any more letters?” Anna asked.

Katie shook her head slightly, giving her mother and friend a silent warning. Aloud, she said differently. “I think she is glad to have gotten to spend so much time with Malcolm and his family. She is learning a lot about them, I think.”

Just as she was learning a lot about Jonathan and his girls
.

Though she hadn't realized it before, now Katie recognized that both she and Winnie had been working on fulfilling the same girlish dreams. And, just so, they'd each realized that their dreams were only that—dreams. Paper-thin replicas of what living was really like.

Anna stretched, breaking the momentary silence. “Mary and Hannah, I don't know about you, but I am more than ready to get out of this kitchen. What do you two say we take a break for a bit?”

Hannah's full cheeks puffed out as she peeked into the dining room. “What should we do? Do you have more chores to do?”

“Oh, there are many chores we could do, but I have something much better in mind.”

After exchanging a look with Mary, Hannah said, “What?”

“Go check on Katie's puppy, Roman, of course,” Anna said. “He's out in the barn keeping Henry company.”

Her mother rolled her eyes. “More likely causing mischief. He chewed up one of my shoes last week.”

Katie grinned. “He would probably love to play ball with some little girls. Would you like to do that?”

The girls needed no more encouragement than that. Hastily they tore off their aprons and ran to the door. After Anna helped them into their black cloaks, they scampered outside. In a flash they were racing each other down the familiar path.

Katie leaned against the counter as she watched the girls through the window. Then she turned to her mother. “I'd say we have quite a task before us. We have cookies to box and dishes to wash. What would you like me to do?”

Her mother surprised her by taking a chair instead. “Neither. I'm more interested in sitting for a spell. So tell me,
Totchter
, are you ready to come back home?”

Katie didn't know the answer to that. “Why do you ask?” she hedged.

“There's something a little different about you today. I see an anxious look in your eyes that wasn't there before. Did you and Jonathan argue?”

“No, not exactly.
Mamm
…Jonathan Lundy wants to court me.”

Her mother blinked. “Are you sure?”

“I am. He…he more or less asked me to be his wife.”

“Well, that is wonderful-
gut
!” Just as she was leaning forward to hug Katie, her mother paused. “More or less? That doesna make much sense. And, I must say, neither does your disposition. I would've thought such news would make you happy, Katie.”

“I would've thought so, too.” Nothing was making sense. Not Jonathan's transformation into a reluctant beau, not Winnie's dissatisfaction with Malcolm and his family.

“What is wrong? I thought you had a special place in your heart for Jonathan.”

“I did.”

“Have you now decided he isn't what you want, after all?”

“No, he is still who I want. I think so, that is.” Briefly Katie told her mother about their walk in the woods, and how they'd shared the hot chocolate. That story flowed into others. Before she knew it, Katie was relaying stories about making Jonathan dinner, and how she'd claimed the
sitzschtupp
and was teaching the girls to quilt.

She told her mother about how it had felt to work with Jonathan to prepare for the church services. How Jonathan seemed to be impressed with her industriousness. How she'd spied him staring at her more than once, and how sometimes, in the midst of things, they'd meet each other's gaze and share a smile. Actually, there had been many times that were memorable.