Wanted (Hostage Rescue Team Series Book 8) (7 page)

“Then tell him how you feel.” Celida huffed out a chuckle. “And I can safely say that is something I literally
never
thought I would have to say to you.”

“Yeah, I’ll bet,” she said with a half-smile. “I guess I’m just…scared it won’t turn out the way I want it to.” That kind of rejection after everything they’d built together, and the prospect of raising their child alone, would gut her. “God, maybe my divorce messed me up after all.”

Celida made a sympathetic sound. “You gotta tell him the truth, Zo.”

“How do I do that without making it seem like I’m pressuring him?” To be honest it had bothered her for a while now that he didn’t seem to want to take the next step in their relationship. She knew he trusted her, so it had to be his own baggage holding him back. She’d been patient with him up ‘til now, but with a baby on the way she wasn’t sure how much longer she could stay silent about it.

And, if marriage wasn’t an option for him, then she’d have to leave at some point before the baby came. The thought made her heart clench because he was her whole world and getting married due to an ultimatum wasn’t what she wanted.

“Hon, call your man,” Celida ordered. “
Talk
to him. He needs to know all this. And if he doesn’t answer, call Tuck. Or DeLuca. They’ll track him down.”

Zoe smiled at that. “Yeah, sure.” She let out a sigh. “Thanks,
bébé
. I appreciate it. And I feel way better now.” She placed her hand on her belly, smiled at the thought of the life protected inside her body. “I’m gonna be a mama, Lida.”

“I know, and it’s so surreal. But damn, I don’t know how I’m going to keep Tuck in the dark about this.”

“Ha, yeah you do. Tight-lipped control freak.” She said it with affection.

“Yeah, okay, guilty on all counts. Look, I gotta run, but call me tonight if you want to talk again. I’m here for you and the baby, no matter what.”

Celida’s protectiveness and loyalty made her smile wider. “I know. Love you.”

“Love you too.”

Zoe set the phone down for a moment, feeling relieved now that she’d gotten everything off her chest. She glanced at the clock. Almost seven.

Quit stalling and call him already
, she scolded herself.

Bracing herself just in case, Zoe dialed Clay.

Clay eased the condo door open, a little disappointed to find the lights off in the kitchen and living room. He’d called Zoe back as he was leaving the base just under half an hour ago. It was almost eleven but she’d said she’d wait up because they needed to talk.

Normally he considered those words to be the most dangerous in the English language for a man, but he needed to talk to her too. She’d been so upset earlier, and upon reflection, his reaction to the news had sucked big time.

A band of gold light was coming from beneath their closed master bedroom door. He pushed that open, found Zoe sitting up reading in their king-size antique four-poster bed, her back resting against the heavy carvings of the dark walnut headboard.

She set her book aside, pulled the black-and-white skull print comforter up higher on her body and gave him an uncertain smile. “Hi.”

“Hi.” He closed the door, suddenly didn’t know what to say. “Sorry I couldn’t get home sooner. Things have been crazy.” They’d met with the top FBI officials for most of the day, going over the op in Alaska.

“It’s fine.” A beat of taut silence followed.

Unwilling to let this go on any longer, Clay crossed the room and sank onto the edge of the bed next to her, his hip touching the outline of her thigh through the blankets. He reached for her hand, twined their fingers together, the worst of the tension in his chest easing at the contact. “So how are you feeling?”

“A little better.” She searched his eyes, her tentativeness so unlike her. “You?”

“Good.” He looked down at her still-flat abdomen, covered by the blankets, then back up at her face. “Pretty unreal still, huh?”

“Yes.” She shifted, broke eye contact, and he knew something was off.

He squeezed her hand, hating the sense of dread coiling inside him. Why wouldn’t she tell him what was wrong? She was holding back something big, he knew it, and didn’t like it. “Tell me what’s wrong.”

She blew out a breath, met his gaze once more. “I’m worried about us.”

He blinked at that, taken aback. She was pretty blunt when she had something to say, but this caught him totally off guard. “What? Why?” He hurriedly tried to think of what he might have done recently to make her feel insecure about their relationship, but came up blank.

She made an exasperated sound. “Because we didn’t plan for this and I know you’re worried and trying not to show it. Plus I’m scared you don’t believe me that it was an accident—”

What the hell?
That’s
what she’d been worrying about? He opened his mouth to shoot that one down but she just kept talking, not giving him a chance to respond.

“I’m afraid you’re going to blame me for this, that you’ll resent me and the baby, wake up one day down the road and accuse me of trapping you and ruining your life and—”

“Whoa, stop.
No
.” He pulled her into his arms and hugged her close, one hand cradling the back of her head. Jesus, he’d had no idea she’d been thinking those things. Where the hell had all that come from? “Why would you ever think that?” Her reaction was a kick in the gut and the last thing he’d expected. It felt like she’d sucker punched him in the solar plexus.

“I don’t know,” she shot back, but clearly she did know, otherwise she wouldn’t have thought it in the first place. Dammit, it freaking hurt that she’d think so little of him.

Zoe leaned against him and drew in a shaky breath, her arms tucked up against his chest.

Holding her to his chest, Clay lowered his head to speak close to her ear and fought back the sudden spike in his temper. Getting mad at her would only push her away and that was the last thing he wanted. “I would never think any of those things. I know I can be an asshole sometimes, but Jesus.” If she seriously thought he was like that, why the hell was she even with him?

No. Breathe.

Had to be the shock of it all, he reasoned with himself. She was overwhelmed, wasn’t thinking straight. But dammit, those comments had smarted. Didn’t she trust him more than that? They’d been through so much together in the last year and he’d grown a lot, had put a lot of effort into letting his past go and moving forward with her. Why would she ever think he’d blame her for something like this when it was clearly both their doing?

Zoe didn’t answer, now curled into him, and his initial burst of anger faded when he realized she was tensed up, as if she expected him to blast her.

Clay sighed and forced his muscles to relax. Hard as that had been to hear, he was just glad she’d finally said it. He couldn’t believe she’d been carrying that around for the past day and a half, on top of the shock of finding out she was pregnant. No freaking wonder she’d been so upset yesterday.

More defensive denials rose up but he bit them back, ordered himself to calm the hell down. This wasn’t about him right now, it was about her. He knew she was scared. She needed him to be her rock right now, reassure her that her fears were unfounded. Not to lose it because she’d doubted him and hurt his ego. “It wasn’t anybody’s fault, it just happened,” he said quietly.

She drew back to look him in the eye. “So you’re not mad at me? Tell me the truth.”

She
still
didn’t believe him? God, she was shredding him.

To make sure he got through to her once and for all, he took her face between his hands, stared down into her golden eyes as he spoke. “I’m not mad at you. We didn’t mean for it to happen but it did, and now we’re going to have to deal with it.”

Shit, that sounded harsh, didn’t it?

“I mean, we’re in this together,” he rephrased, hoping that made up for his brain-dead comment a second ago. “I would never walk out on you, or the baby. Ever. God, Zo, I can’t believe you’d ever even worry about that. I love you. I’m not going anywhere.” That was better, right? It was so damn hard to think past everything she’d just said.

His efforts were rewarded when hope bloomed in her gaze, followed by a tentative smile playing at the corners of her mouth. “You’re sure.”

He nodded. “Yes. I know you’re scared and that this has been a big surprise to us both, but it’s gonna be fine.
We’re
gonna be fine.” Did that sound sensitive and supportive enough? He hoped so, but hell if he knew anymore.

She wound her arms around his neck and squeezed him hard, so he guessed he’d finally said something right. The tightness in his chest eased. “I love you too. But oh my God, I’m so not ready for this.”

Yeah, he knew how that felt. “We’ll figure it out. And you’re gonna be an amazing mom.”

Pulling back a little to look at him, he caught an uncharacteristic flash of insecurity in her eyes. “You think so?”

“I know so.” Not a doubt in his mind that their baby had won the mama lottery with Zoe. Hell, the woman had been kidnapped because she’d risked her life to help an abused woman and her child leave that fucker Ruiz back in New Orleans.

She was a natural protector and a nurturer. He’d never met anyone who liked to hug as much as Zoe did. Friend, relative or total stranger, didn’t matter. And when Zoe hugged someone, she hugged them like she meant it. Just one of the many reasons she’d succeeded in melting his ice-encrusted heart.

Him? Not so much. Clay could protect, but he sucked at nurturing. Just look at him now, ham-fisting his way through this.

Shoving that unsettling thought aside, he cleared his throat and released her. “Feel better now?”

She let out a sigh full of relief. “Yes.” She put a hand to his cheek, stared into his eyes. “I’m sorry for doubting you. It’s just that, given what happened with Eve… You told me how she always lied and manipulated to get her way, and that you were cynical about women in general until we got together. I was worried that this might trigger all that again, that you wouldn’t trust me now.”

Okay, he guessed that made a tiny bit of sense from that perspective. Kind of. After his reality-show-worthy divorce it was no secret that he’d been bitter and cynical about a
lot
of things. Still… “I’m not the same person I was back then.” Being with Zoe had changed him. For the better.

She inclined her head. “I know that,” she said, looking guilty. “I do.”

He exhaled a hard breath. “I guess I just assumed that after all this time and everything we’ve been through together, you’d
know
I trust you completely. More than I trust anyone else.” Even his teammates, guys he trusted with his life on and off the job, so that said a lot. It stung like a bitch to find out that she obviously didn’t trust him to that same extent.

Her answering smile took some of the lingering hurt away. “I’m glad you do. And I still feel awful for thinking what I did. I’m sorry.”

He believed her. He nodded once, even though he was still smarting inside, and in that moment realized just how far he’d come over the past year. The old Clay would have held onto the hurt, would have let the resentment build into a toxic mass inside him until it eventually shot out of his mouth at her in a gush of nasty words intended to inflict maximum pain.

The new Clay understood what a dick move that tactic was, that he had to be a grown up and let it go instead. She’d apologized, he’d accepted; now they had to move forward.

But it wasn’t easy. Some part of him still wanted to lash out at her for hurting him. He fought it back, refused to go there. Zoe didn’t deserve that.

“So you said six weeks,” he said to change the subject. “That gives us how long until…” He was going to say D-Day, but managed to stop himself before the insensitive words came out. And if they were having a baby, then he really needed to clean up his mouth over the next few months, or the kid’s first words would be choice ones.

Her expression brightened. She tucked a lock of black hair behind her left ear, the long red strands on the right curling over her shoulder. “Due date is May seventeenth.”

His eyes widened a little at that. Holy hell. Having an actual date for it made this way too real.

“Oh. Okay.” He was quiet a moment, letting that sink in. “So what did the doctor say? Do we need to be doing anything different?” Because he distinctly remembered how he’d shoved her down on the mattress last night and pinned her beneath him while he’d fucked her from behind, and none too gently at the end.

She let out a husky chuckle. “No, everything’s fine. I’m not going to break or anything. I’ll need to start taking prenatal vitamins and watching my diet a little better than I have been though. I’ll get regular checkups from now on but I’m not considered high risk or anything so everything should be fine.” She tried a smile, but it seemed weary, and he couldn’t shake that damn nagging feeling that she was still keeping something else from him. It was driving him crazy. “We can still have sex whenever we want.”

Thank God, he thought, expelling a relieved breath. Because he’d go insane if he couldn’t connect with her that way for the next few months. Their sex life was amazing, and it was the way he felt most comfortable expressing to Zoe how much he loved and wanted her. He was way better with actions than words.

He stroked a hand over her lower back, glad that things seemed all right between them again. “Okay, so how do you want to handle this? You want to tell our parents first?”

She shook her head. “I think I’d rather wait until after the first trimester, just in case. I don’t know. I’m still trying to come to grips with this mentally, so I need some time to adjust before we say anything.”

“Sure, that makes sense.”

She let out a long sigh and groaned. “God, I’m wiped. I need a bath.”

“Yeah, go ahead.” Whatever she needed, he would make sure she got it. “Want me to draw it for you?”

One side of her mouth quirked up and her eyes sparkled with humor. “I’m not an invalid, but thanks. I’ll take a rain check on that though. Because in a few more months I’ll be so big I’m probably going to need help getting in and out of the tub,” she finished, her voice wry.