Wedding Night With the Earl (28 page)

His words astounded her. “Do you mean that? You love me?”

“More than you will ever know.” Adam picked up her hand and kissed the back of her palm. “How could you not at least suspect that I love you? I can’t keep my hands off you when we are together. Yes, I want to marry you and make you mine.”

Goose bumps peppered her skin, and suddenly she wished for her cane to help support her. “I never thought to hear you say that.”

His gaze swept her face again. “I have wanted you since the first night I saw you standing so close to the dance floor. I meant it when I said I want you more than I’ve ever wanted any other woman.”

“But you said you would never marry again.”

“I never thought I would. I have resisted my feelings for you and denied my love because of genuine fear for you.”

“What fear?”

“For your life if I take you into my bed and give you a babe. I have thought about this and there are things we can do to prevent you from getting in the family way. They won’t be as satisfying, and we will have to be very cautious, but I swear to you I will do everything in my power to keep you from bearing a child.”

Katherine’s heartbeat seemed to stumble and then rumble like thunder across her chest and roar in her ears. What was he saying? “Things we can do? I don’t understand.”

“You don’t need to understand them right now,” he said softly. “I can explain them all later. None of them are one hundred percent guaranteed, but with a combination of all the things that are available to us, we can be fairly certain you won’t have a babe.”

Not have a child? But she wanted children. Katherine slowly pulled her hand from his grasp and stepped away. “Are you saying you want me to marry you, but you don’t want me to have your children?”

Her words sounded bleak in her ears. He looked at her as if he couldn’t understand why she wasn’t comprehending him.

“You can’t. I will not chance losing you the way I lost Annie.”

Katherine stared into his eyes and for the first time saw how serious he was. How affected he still was by his wife’s death.

For an instant, she was uncertain what to say. She had always thought him to be a complex man, a man troubled by his past, but this fear went far deeper than she had suspected.

“I see no reason why you should be afraid of losing me in childbirth just because you lost her.”

“There is every reason to fear that. I have Dixon for my heir, so there is no reason to risk losing you to have a child.”

Keeping her voice calm and her emotions in check, she said, “If we married, I’d have no problem being a mother to Dixon. He’s a sweet child, and I could easily grow to love him. But I will have your word that I will have my own children or I will not marry you.”

“Why are you being stubborn about this when you know how much I love you and want you?” he asked.

Angrily, she clenched her teeth a moment before saying, “So it’s me being stubborn rather than you being completely irrational?”

“Yes, it is.”

“It is a man’s duty to give his wife sons and daughters.”

“Not if it will kill her.”

There was an uncomfortable edge to his voice. He took a step closer to her. Her hands closed into fists. “You don’t know that it will, and you are being selfish.”

His eyes narrowed, and his lips formed a crease of frustration. “I am being kind and protective, which is what husbands also do.”

“My aunt and uncles have pampered me for years. I will not let you do it, too. I may have a limp, but I am strong and healthy and there is no reason I can’t bear you a son.”

“Katherine, this has nothing to do with your limp. It has to do with me.”

“Having a babe is my choice to make. If I am willing to take the chance, why would you deny me? You will trust me to walk, to dance, but you won’t trust me to have your child?”

“My wife died trying to have my child!” he said earnestly.

“And my sisters and brother died without ever having the chance to grow up, marry, and have a family of their own. I will have children for them. I will name my children after my sisters and brother so their memory can live on. That is what husbands do. They give their wives babes and if you can’t do that I will not marry you.”

“Don’t you think I want to?” he whispered harshly. “I can’t.”

Her throat burned and ached from holding in her grief, but she managed to whisper, “Maybe you are a beast. It’s not natural for a man to not want sons.”

Adam gently took hold of her upper arms. “For three days, I watched Annie die because the babe wouldn’t come. Three heart-wrenching days. Hour after hour I listened to her scream in pain, until the only sound she could make was a pitiful moan. She told me she hated me for giving her the babe and it was my fault the babe wouldn’t be born. When it was clear the midwife and accoucheur, the potions and teas, could do nothing for her, she begged me to end her life. She begged me to give her more laudanum to end her life. I would never put you through that, Katherine. Never. And yes, I was a beast after she died. I overturned furniture and tore down draperies. And it had nothing to do with my overwhelming love for her. It was guilt. Guilt because I swore to protect her and didn’t. Guilt because in the end, I was her husband, I planted the seed that gave her the babe, and I couldn’t save her. I won’t risk your life for a son and I won’t go through that agony again.” He let go of her and stepped away. “I swear to heaven I love you more than my own life, but I cannot give you a child.”

His words burned into her soul. At last Katherine understood.

“I’m sorry you had to go through that with your first wife. I’m sure it will be forever etched in your mind, but just because she blamed you doesn’t make it true. Most any woman in pain would do the same thing. It is human nature, Adam. She and her baby were dying. She had to blame someone.”

“If only that were true. It wasn’t just Annie. The midwife told me it was my fault she couldn’t have the babe. That no woman would be able to bear me a child because I am such a big man. I will always have big babes.”

Katherine took a step toward him. “How can she know that?”

“I’m six feet four, Katherine. My shoulders are wide, my feet are big. I’d rather deny myself your love than cause your death.”

She didn’t believe what the midwife had said, but she saw the emotion in his eyes, heard it in his voice. He wouldn’t be swayed. Intense sadness buried deep in her soul.

“There are no guarantees in life for anyone, Adam. Risk is part of life. So is death. I’ve known that since I was seven. Most things that are worth having come with a little risk.”

“But I won’t risk your life. I won’t watch you die, too. I love you too much. Getting you in the family way would be the same as pushing you in front of a runaway carriage.”

Katherine blinked back tears and sucked in a huge, deep breath of courage. “Love is very powerful, and my love for you is strong and true. And as much as it breaks my heart, Adam, I cannot give up my dream of having children to marry you.”

He jerked as if she’d slapped him.

“You made a vow, but so did I.” She felt as if her words were being ripped out of her. “I will have children for my brother and sisters. I didn’t have the pleasure of watching them grow up. I didn’t get to see them play, laugh, and get married. But I will watch my own children do all those things. I’m brokenhearted their father won’t be you. But you ask too much of me. Thank you wanting me, for loving me, and for showing me how deeply a man can desire a woman. For wanting to spare me Annie’s fate, too. But my answer to your proposal remains no.”

“Katherine.”

He said her name so softly, she almost relented.

Swallowing a gulping breath, she added, “Don’t worry about me, my lord. If the scandal breaks and Lord Rudyard doesn’t want to marry me, I will find a suitable match. I am the niece of a duke and the only heir to my father’s fortune. Don’t think for a moment I cannot find a husband even if my name is shredded by gossip. Now excuse me.”

Somehow Katherine managed to hold her head high and calmly walk out of the room, up the stairs, and to the sanctuary of her room before she realized she had walked all that way without her cane. And that was when the first tear rolled down her cheek.

Chapter 27

Everyone can master a grief but he that has it.

—Much Ado About Nothing,
act 3, scene 2

It had been a hellish day, and he was in a foul humor.

The first splash of brandy had gone down easily, so he’d poured another. He’d planned to spend the entire cold, wet evening at home and do what he hadn’t done in well over a year, indulge in his brandy.

From the first night he’d seen Katherine, he’d known that she was wrong for him. She wasn’t the kind of lady he could enjoy for a time and then leave. He sat in his book room with his booted feet propped on his desk, thinking that just maybe he’d return to his scoundrel ways of drinking and gambling the night away. But back when he was so young and carefree, he’d had very little control of his life. He hadn’t wanted any. Hadn’t needed any. Being free to do whatever he wanted when he wanted was all that mattered to him.

Now, he was an earl with a wealth of responsibility that he could have never imagined would be his.

He had Dixon and his future to consider, too.

But what he wanted was Katherine.

After he’d left her, he’d gone to the mews and saddled his horse. He’d ridden in the park until dusk. He’d thought about leaving Society as he had when he’d lost Annie, but he was a different man now, and that thought had quickly fled his mind. At the time, the isolation of the cold, damp coast was where he needed to be, but no longer. But he couldn’t stay in London and watch the woman he loved marry someone else.

Adam sipped his brandy again. Yes, he would have to leave London and not return. He didn’t want to see Katherine with Rudyard dancing at a ball or walking with the man and their sons in the park. No, he couldn’t watch the woman he loved building a family with another man. And he had no doubt Rudyard would marry her, scandal or not. The man was a dandy, but he wasn’t a fool.

The thought of her in any other man’s arms made him feel as if there were a gaping hole where his heart should be.

A movement caught his eye and he saw Dixon standing quietly in the doorway. One day the lad would learn to talk more and announce himself, but for now, Adam would humor him.

“It’s past midnight. What are you doing up at this hour? Is anything wrong?”

Dixon shook his head.

“Does Mrs. Bernewelt know you’re down here?”

He shook his head again. “She smells better.”

A smile spread across Adam’s face. Leave it to his cousin to make him smile when he felt like hell. “Mrs. Bernewelt’s hands?”

Dixon nodded.

“Good,” Adam said dryly. “I’m glad to hear it. I finally did something right, and at least someone is happy. Which reminds me, I need to talk with her and make sure she’s willing to go with us when we leave London.”

Dixon walked farther into the room and stood in front of Adam’s desk. His big eyes were full of concern.

Adam swore softly under his breath. “I hope she is. I don’t want to have to interview for another governess.”

“I don’t want to leave. I like it here.”

“So do I, but we can’t stay. There are some things I need to do that can’t be done from here.” Adam rubbed his forehead. Katherine would know just what to say to settle Dixon, but Adam had no idea. “Remember, your home is where mine is. You go where I go. Understand?”

A wrinkle formed between Dixon’s youthful eyes. “Where are we going?”

“To check the Greyhawke lands and estates. Meet the tenants and talk to the managers. It’ll be good for you to go. It will all be yours one day.”

“I like it here,” he said again.

Adam understood Dixon’s fears. He’d lost his mother, been sent to an orphanage, then been taken out to the coast and dropped at the door of a stranger. It was no wonder he didn’t want to leave again.

“Look,” Adam said, trying to think of what Katherine would say to calm the lad’s fears. “This is something that needs to be done, and I’ve put it off for far too long as it is. It will be an adventure for your soldiers to go on. You can say they’re going off to fight in a war.”

“Can Miss Wright go with us?”

Adam rose in his chair and brought his feet down to the floor. “What made you say that?”

“Her hands smell nice.”

“Everything about her smells nice,” Adam said as a longing filled him to his core.

“She’s pretty, too.”

Oh, yes.

“No, she can’t go with us.”

Dixon’s face relaxed into an expression of sadness. “Have you asked her?”

He had, and she wouldn’t agree to his terms. He couldn’t blame her. It was a hell of a thing to have to say to the woman you loved. Adam would give everything he owned to be able to take those words back.

“I can’t. Now, you’d better find your way to your room before Mrs. Bernewelt finds you gone.”

“I’ll ask her for you.”

Adam grunted a laugh. “It won’t do any good, Dixon. She’s going to marry someone else.”

“That man in the park?”

“Yes.”
Damn lucky man, too,
he thought. “Now go on back up to bed.”

Listening to Dixon’s small feet climb the stairs, Adam closed his eyes tightly. If he’d thought the outcome would be any different, he’d ask her to marry him a second time. But it wouldn’t. He’d known from their first meeting that she had demons to deal with, too. She hadn’t shared all of them with him, and he hadn’t shared all of his until this afternoon.

The chair creaked as Adam rose and walked over to the side table, when from the front of the house he heard a knock. So did Pharaoh. He barked once and jumped up to investigate. Adam grimaced. Who would be coming to his door at this hour? Clark had already retired, so Adam put down his glass and strode to the entrance before Pharaoh woke up everyone in the house.

“Harrison,” he said as the Pyrenees jumped on his friend. “Come in. I’ll pour you a drink.”

Harrison stepped inside but didn’t close the door behind himself. “I’m not staying.”