Wellington Cross (Wellington Cross Series) (23 page)

“I’ve heard enough,” I said.  Ethan froze, and I stood up,
pulling myself out of his arms.  I picked up my pins from off the floor
and started putting my hair back up into a bun.  I couldn’t look at him
for fear of breaking down and sobbing, or running back into his arms. 
Instead I looked out the window at the distant river.  No, I would not
look at him.  I would simply walk away and let him think for a
while. 

After all the time we spent loving each other this afternoon, I
couldn’t believe he was having a hard time making this decision.  It
seemed to me that he had wanted to have me one more go with me – two actually –
two more follies, before going to his other wife.  It made me angry all
over again. 

“Let me know when you’ve reached a decision,” I said curtly,
still not looking at him.  I felt his eyes on me as I walked over to the
nursery and looked in on Lillie, still sleeping, oblivious to what was going on
with her mother and father.  She was innocent in all of this, but would be
affected by it all.  She didn’t know it, but her world was falling
apart…again.  I closed my eyes to prevent tears from falling, then turned
around and finally decided to face Ethan one last time before I walked out the
door.

“I can’t believe this is a hard decision for you to make,” I
said, fighting back emotion in my voice.  “Perhaps you don’t love me as
much as I thought you did…not as much as I love you.  It wouldn’t be a
hard decision for me.”  I’d hurt him, I could see it on his face, but he
said nothing.  I wiped the tears from my eyes, walked across the room,
unlocked the door, and left the bedchamber. 

After having a good cry in my room, I freshened up a bit by
splashing some water on my face from the pitcher that I poured into a large
basin.  I headed downstairs, aiming to take a walk.  On my way, I
passed by the sitting room, when Elizabeth called out to me.  I stopped
walking and looked in the room where she lay on the sofa.  In the same
room where I played piano…where Ethan and I had shared many kisses.

I reluctantly entered the room.  I knew I should say
something to her about her accident from falling off the horse, but I just
couldn’t bring myself to do it.  At the moment, I felt no pity for
her.  I waited for her to speak first.

“I hope you’re not too shocked by the news, Madeline dear. 
It’s for the best, you know.  You didn’t think you could just pick up
where you left off, now, did you?  Whether you have your memory back or
not, it’s irrelevant.  Ethan is married to me now.  I told you that I
wouldn’t let you just waltz back in here and take Ethan away from me.”

She lay there all smug on that sofa, gloating at me.  I
wanted to smack that smirk right off her face.  I didn’t say anything; I
just glared at her.

“When will you be leaving?”

“Leaving?”  Of all the gall!

“Yes, of course.  You can’t just stay around here, you
know.  You’ve got your memory back; now it’s time for you to leave. 
It’s now lawful for a man to have two wives.  And now that I am with
child, that means you will have to go.”

“I have a child in this house, too!  Besides, it’s up to
Ethan to decide, now, isn’t it?” I exclaimed in anger and briskly turned to
leave the room.

As I walked down the hall towards the river-front door, I heard
her say, “Yes, my dear, it is.”

I walked down to the river to think…to contemplate my
predicament.  
The heat was stifling; I was perspiring in my clothes.  I
pulled up my dress a bit and pinned it up with one of my hair pins, revealing
the lacy crinoline underneath.  I took off my sun bonnet and pulled my
hair up tighter in a bun, readjusting the pins.  Then I fanned my face
with the hat.

The dogs followed me, wagging their tails.  I sat down on the
bench under the trees near the river in the slightly cooler shade…where Ethan
and I had had so many wonderful talks and shared kisses.  The dogs lay
down at my feet, panting and looking up at me.  I touched their soft fur
and was comforted for a moment. 

What a day it had been!  It had started right here on this
very bench with Ethan telling me that he was getting the paperwork started on
his annulment with Elizabeth.  I had been so happy, thinking that our
lives were about to be joined again, that we’d be married again.  And then
the accident with Elizabeth happened, and Ethan became distraught.  Of
course I knew now what upset him so much that he cried.  Remembering how
much he had cried in my arms made me realize how very much he was hurting, how
anguished he was over Elizabeth being with child and the decision he had to
make. 

Then there was our afternoon love-making.  It was so precious
to be with him again, so joyous.  I didn’t regret a minute of it.  I
was thankful that I was able to have one more – make that two more – moments of
bliss.  Perhaps he did love me after all.  I had been harsh with him;
I regretted that now.  I wished I had not been so quick to leave
him.  I had gotten angry, but I wished I had stayed with him a while
longer.  I should’ve gone back to bed with him and let him console me, let
him hold me in his arms.  I may not get that chance again.

Perhaps the reason he was having a hard time deciding was because
he was thinking of the child, not necessarily of Elizabeth.  I didn’t know
what he would decide, but since it was a hard decision for him to make, I knew
had better prepare myself for the worst.  I had to accept the possibility
that he might choose her over me.  What would I do?  Where would I
go?  I guessed I would go to Jonas’, to my old home.  It would break
my heart to do so, if it should come to that.  Not only to leave Ethan –
my husband, as far as I was concerned – but also Lillie.  We just got
reacquainted, and now I might be taken away from her again.  That couldn’t
be good for her.  Wouldn’t Ethan realize that?  Would he consider
Lillie’s point of view at all?  Or mine?  I had just gotten my memory
back, just got my life back, only to possibly have it taken away from me again.

I watched the sun go down, realizing I must have sat on the bench
through supper.  I couldn’t eat anyway, even if I’d wanted to.  I was
too upset.  The dogs had gone away; I didn’t know when.  I was
alone…alone with my thoughts and my memories.  Only a week ago, I had
barely any memories of my past.  Now, it seemed, all I had were my
memories.  I would have to make my memories last.  I was thankful for
one more sweet memory, of our marital love-making today.  I could still
feel Ethan’s arms around me if I wanted to imagine it.  I could still feel
his skin against mine.  I would remember it for a lifetime.  No one
could take that away from me.

Those happy memories didn’t last long.  I cried
inconsolably the whole night, cried to the point of retching.  I felt like
I was dying inside.  I was heartbroken and could not imagine ever being
happy again.  I longed to go upstairs and be with Ethan, but, of course, I
couldn’t.  I had to let him make the decision, one way or the other. 
I wished with all my might that he would come and get me, take me in his arms,
sweep my off my feet, and carry me upstairs to our bedchamber.  I longed
for it so much I could not stop crying, could not stop bawling.  I cried
well into the deep dark night.  After all I had been through up till now,
I had never felt more alone or more hopeless, not even when I didn’t know who I
was.  Sometimes knowing too much was worse than not knowing anything. 

Sleep did not find me until exhaustion finally set in, around
dawn.

I awoke in the late morning to Lillie crying.  After
realizing I wasn’t dreaming, I got up quickly, put on my scarlet robe, cinching
it tightly, and headed out down the hallway.  Her cries were coming from
upstairs, the third floor.  I paused for a moment, not knowing what to
do.  I didn’t think I was ready to face Ethan yet, but I didn’t want
Lillie to cry when I could help her with whatever she needed.  If Ethan
were up there, she wouldn’t be crying, so that meant she needed someone. 
I decided to put her needs before my own and headed up the stairs to the next
floor.

I found Lillie in the nursery, standing up in her bed, crying
her little lungs out.  When she saw me, she stopped crying and reached for
me.  Her little cheeks were red and wet from her tears.  I picked her
up and held her close to me, rubbing her back. 

“What’s wrong, sweetheart?  Where’s your father?”  I
looked through the open door to the bedchamber, but Ethan was not in
there.  I pulled her back enough to look at her, and she looked at me and
smiled.  She then picked up some of my loose hair and studied it
hard.  “Dada?” she asked.

I smiled, “Yes, where is dada?”

She looked up at me and said, “Ma-ma.”  She had been
calling me “ma” for several days now, and she finally said the whole word,
“mama”.  Did she know what that word meant?  My heart swelled with
pride.  I nearly cried with joy.

“Yes, I’m your mama,” I said, happily.  She drooled a
little and then put her fingers in her mouth, and frowned.  “Are you
getting more teeth, little one?” I asked her. 

I heard the floor squeak behind me, and turned to find Ethan
watching us in the doorway.  He was dressed handsomely in formal attire
minus an overcoat, but he looked haggard.

“She called you ‘mama’,” he observed, smiling tentatively.

“Yes, she did.   Hello, Ethan.”  I looked back at
Lillie, not comfortable looking at him more than necessary.

“I was just coming up to get her when I heard her stop crying,”
he said.  I glanced up at him.  He fidgeted with his waistcoat
buttons, not looking at me.

“Oh, I’m sorry for coming up here.  I woke up and heard her
crying and came up to see what was wrong.  I think she’s teething.”

“Oh, really?” he asked, walking closer to us.  I sucked in
my breath as he got closer.  He smelled like he’d been outdoors.  He
opened Lillie’s mouth and looked at her gums while I looked at his sideburns,
his beard, and his disheveled hair, despite myself.  “Yes, I think you’re
right.  I see one coming in right there,” he said, turning my attention
back to Lillie.  “It must hurt.  Perhaps we should give her some
paregoric or cocaine drops.”

“Where’s your mother?” I asked him.  Normally, Clarissa
took care of Lillie during the day.

“She’s been taking care of Elizabeth,” he said, not looking at
me.  “She spiked a fever this morning, and Mother has been putting cool
compresses on her, trying to get it to come down.  I told her I’d take
care of Lillie today.”

“Ethan, I can watch her, if you need to be doing something
else.”  I looked at him, trying not to show any emotion on my face, trying
not to let him know how his closeness affected me, how much I wanted to be in
his arms.  I watched his eyes turn to look at mine.

“Actually, I was hoping we could go somewhere and talk,” he
said.  He wore a pained expression on his face.  I quickly looked
away, back at Lillie. 

“Then who’s going to watch Lillie?”

“We can take her for a stroll, if you’d like.  Have you had
anything to eat yet?”

 I looked back at him.  “No, I—I’m not hungry.” 
He looked down at the floor.  “A stroll might do me good,” I told
him. 

He looked up at me again and reached his hand towards me like he
wanted to touch me, but he turned his attention to Lillie instead and touched
her cheek.  “How about it, Lillie Rose?  Would you like to go for a
ride in the baby carriage?”

I went back upstairs to change, putting on my corset, crinoline,
blouse and skirt, stockings and shoes.  I wondered if Ethan had noticed
how casual I had been, just having rolled out of bed like I did, no proper
dress, no shoes, and hair loose and wild.  Had I been a temptation to him
at all?  I pinned my hair up into a bun while I thought about that, and
then went downstairs to join Ethan and Lillie.  They were waiting at the
river-front door.  I noted that the sitting room door had been closed; I
was glad.  I didn’t want to see Elizabeth, not until I knew what Ethan had
to say to me, if he had come to a decision.

We walked quietly as Ethan pushed the carriage.  He brought
a basket so we could pick some blackberries while we were out.  The
blackberries were over on the other side of the vegetable garden and
sunflowers.  We took the tiered path down towards the river and then turned
down a path on the left towards the vegetable garden.

We walked around the garden, past a few sunflowers till we
reached the blackberry patch.  Before picking any berries, though, Ethan
suggested that we walk down to the river so we could talk in privacy.
  I left the basket on the ground by the blackberries and followed
him to a path which led into some thick trees, past the path to the family
graveyard where Godfrey was buried, along with other relatives that used to
live on this plantation.  The tree-lined dirt path sloped down to the
river off to the left around the graveyard hill.

Once we reached the bottom, Ethan spread out a blanket from
Lillie’s carriage for us to sit on.  I was nervous, worried about what
Ethan would say and what his decision would be, if he had come to one. 
What if he didn’t choose me?  My stomach gurgled inside.

“I’m sorry you didn’t sleep well last night,” he said, looking
at my face.