Wellington Cross (Wellington Cross Series) (24 page)

“Is it that obvious?  Do I have dark circles?”  I
instinctively touched my face.

“I heard you crying.”

“Oh.  I’m sorry.  I didn’t mean to wake you.” 
Well, actually I had hoped he would hear me and come to me, but I couldn’t tell
him that.

“It broke my heart to hear you cry.  I’m sorry to have
caused you so much pain, especially after all you’ve had to endure
already.”  He looked out over the water for a moment.  “I’ve done
nothing but think all night.  I couldn’t sleep either, especially hearing
you cry.  You don’t know how badly I wanted to go down there and comfort
you, carry you back upstairs with me.”  So, he did want to…he just didn’t.

“I should apologize, too,” I said.  He looked at me
quickly.  “I shouldn’t have said what I did, shouldn’t have gotten so
angry at you.”

“You have every right to be angry with me.  I understand
completely.  I betrayed you when I married Elizabeth, even though I didn’t
know you were still alive at the time.  I consummated that marriage, and
now I’m paying for it.  These are the consequences of my actions. 
Life can be unfair sometimes.  If I hadn’t married Elizabeth, you and I
could be a normal married couple again now.  A normal family with our
child, Lillie.”  I felt tears come to my eyes as I watched him and
listened. 

“As it is, I have two wives and soon two babies.  That’s
just not right.  I have to choose between you.  Some men might think
I was a fortunate man to have two women who loved me, but I only see it as
heart-wrenching.  As I said before, I love only you, Maddie.  You’re
the only wife I will ever want.  But now I have another child, who is part
of me…and my responsibility.”  He shifted his legs and looked out over the
water again.

“I contemplated sending Elizabeth out to live with my aunt
Catherine in Bellwood, but if she did, I’d never see my child again.  I
can’t do that to the child.  It would grow up not knowing who its father
was.  Also I don’t want the child to live in shame of not having a
father.  Everyone would hate the child.  I couldn’t live with that,
knowing I could prevent it.”

I had to admire him for being noble and taking responsibility,
but that meant he had chosen Elizabeth over me.  I felt more tears at that
realization.  He caught a tear that dripped onto my cheek with his
finger.  I closed my eyes at his touch.  Oh, how I longed for
him.  My heart was breaking all over again.

 “I don’t know if I can survive without you,” he
said.  I opened my eyes again.  His face was very close to
mine.  “I didn’t realize what an effect our…intimacy…would have on both of
us emotionally.  It was selfish of me to love you in that way, knowing
that Elizabeth was carrying my child, but I couldn’t stop myself.  I had
longed for it for so long.  The whole year while you were gone, I longed
for you, mourned for you.  When you came back again, when you finally
remembered who I was and how much we loved each other, I didn’t want to hold
back any longer.  I had wanted to wait until we were married again, but
then I found out about Elizabeth, and I knew it might be our only chance. 
I had to touch you again…to love you again.  As I said yesterday, I don’t
regret a minute of it, but it seems to have made it all the harder to let you
go, now that I have decided to do just that.”

I looked away, tears rolling down my face in earnest now. 
I put my hands up to cover my face.  I tried to be strong, but I just
couldn’t.  He put his arms around me, pulled me against him, and kissed
the top of my head.  I buried my face against his chest and clung to his
waist coat.  I couldn’t stop the tears; my body shook.  He had chosen
her over me.  He was going to send me away.  I couldn’t believe
it.  I thought I had cried all my tears last night, that I couldn’t feel
any more depressed.  I was wrong.  Now that I knew his decision, I
was even more devastated.  Perhaps it wasn’t proper conduct for him to
hold me like this, now that we no longer married and were not ever going to be
married again, but I let him.  It was the least he could do, having broken
my heart the way he did.  I wanted to be held by him.  I wondered how
I could change his mind.  What could I do?  If I thought it would
change his mind, I would have consummated our love again right here by the
river, in front of God and all outdoors.

Lillie must have sensed that we were upset, as she started
crying.  I pulled myself from Ethan’s arms reluctantly and got up to take
Lillie out of her carriage.  I brought her back to sit on my lap next to
Ethan.  She quieted and looked at both of us.  She touched my wet
face with her little hand.  It seemed like she understood what I was
feeling.  She laid her head against my bosom and began sucking on her
fingers, looking at Ethan. 

Ethan hugged both of us, his face pressed up against mine, and I
felt his own tears on my cheek.  I reached up with one of my hands and
wiped his tears from his cheek and beard.  He kissed my hand.  We sat
together, the three of us, for a long time.  I hated the thought that it
was perhaps the last time we would sit together like this as a family.

Finally, Ethan moved away from us and spoke again.  “I
think maybe it would be best if you went to Jonas’ house…soon.  With
Elizabeth’s fever, I’m worried about her losing the baby.  The doctor said
she needed to avoid stress.  I think maybe she heard you crying in the
night, and perhaps that upset her enough to cause her fever.”

That comment made me angry again.  So he thought it was my
fault she had a fever?  I really could care less.  It wouldn’t bother
me a bit if she lost the baby.  That would make things easier for
me.  I knew it was selfish to think such horrid thoughts, but I didn’t
care.  She and that baby were the source of all my problems.  If it
weren’t for them, Ethan and I would be happily married by now.  I didn’t
even care that the child was part of Ethan.

“So, you’ve made your decision, then?  You want me to
leave, and you’re staying with her?” I asked acidly, not looking at him,
feeling bile rise from my stomach.  I already knew the answer, but I
wanted him to know how upset I was.

He was quiet, and so I looked over at him, seeing the pained
expression on his face.  He nodded.  “I’m sorry.  More sorry
than you’ll ever know.”

“I’m going to want to see Lillie,” I said firmly.  I
softened my voice.  “Could she come with me to live at my brother’s? I
am
her mama.”

“I don’t think that would be a good idea.  She is used to
living here with us, and you’ve only been here almost a week.  She still
doesn’t know you as well as she knows us.  She might not adjust well
moving to another home.”

“How can you say that when you see how well she has taken to
me?”  I was getting inpatient again.

“Madeline, please.  I’m trying to do the right thing
here.  I will make sure she sees you every day, I promise.”

Not listening, I continued ranting.  “You’re going to let
Elizabeth raise
both
of your children?  She’s not done a very good
job with Lillie.  Do you think she will continue to take good care of
Lillie once her own baby arrives?  I’ll tell you the answer to that…no,
she won’t!  I wouldn’t either, if I were in her place.  A mother
loves her own child more than any other.  Elizabeth won’t give her the
love and care she deserves.  She can’t even hold Lillie, as it is.”

“You’re only going to be right up the road, Madeline.  She
can get her mother’s love and attention from
you
…the one she deserves to
get it from.  And she’ll also get it from me and from my mother.  Do
you think she has been neglected while you were gone?  Do you think we
have let her starve or ignored her?  We haven’t.  We love her, too.”

I softened my voice somewhat but said bitterly, “This is all
very convenient for you.  You get to be with both of your children.”

He said nothing.  I looked over at him, realizing that I’d
hurt him.  I could see my arguing wasn’t getting me anywhere, so I
stopped.  I looked away from him to gaze at the river, trying to think of
an intelligent and mature way to handle this situation…this rejection.

“You have to know it’s not what I want, but I feel there is no
other way, Maddie,” he said softly, taking my hand in his.  “You have to
know how much I love you.  This is breaking my heart.”

I nodded at him, and hugged Lillie tight.  “Could I keep
her during the day at Jonas’ while you work?”  That would have to be my
compromise.

“Of course.  That sounds like a good idea,” he
agreed. 

“How soon should I leave?” I asked, not looking at him.

“Soon,” he said quietly.  “Perhaps tomorrow.”

I paled, feeling faint.  I could not believe he wanted me
gone so soon.  It hurt deeply.  Tears came to my eyes again.  I
swallowed and said, “Then I shall leave this evening before the sun goes
down.” 

My comment surprised him, for he looked at me suddenly. 
“Madeline, you don’t need to leave today.  Give yourself time
to…prepare.”  His voice trailed off.

I wanted to get it over with as soon as possible, so I stuck
with my decision.  “No, I want to leave today.  That way, Elizabeth
can have a good night’s rest.”  Not that I really cared about that, but it
was as good of an excuse as any for Ethan’s sake.  Since he wanted me to
leave, I didn’t feel I could get away fast enough.  “And perhaps you will
get a good night’s rest, as well.”

“I highly doubt that,” he said.  He stood up, took Lillie
from my arms, and placed her back in her carriage.  He then started
pushing it back up the hill, and I followed behind them.  We walked in
silence to the blackberry patch.  Once we reached it, Ethan began picking
blackberries.  I placed the basket between us and started helping him
pick.  We worked in silence, pulling berries off the bushes, filling the
basket.  When it was full and our hands were purple, I picked up the
basket to carry it back to the house. 

Ethan walked over to Lillie’s carriage.  She had fallen
asleep.  He turned back around and walked towards me.  He reached for
me to go into his arms, and even though I was reluctant at first, I put the
basket down on the ground and let him hold me one last time.  He breathed
deeply and exhaled slowly.

“I’m truly sorry, Madeline.  I promised you that I would
make you happy, and I have failed.  But I also promised to love you and
keep you safe, and I can still do those things, as much as it is in my power to
do so.  I will never stop loving you…that will never change.” 

I nodded my head, and he kissed my forehead, and then he let go,
not waiting for me to speak.  I wanted to tell him that I loved him and
that I always would, but he seemed to want the conversation to be over
with.  That was just as well.  I didn’t think I could do it without
breaking down again, without sounding desperate, or without upsetting him
again.  He had made his decision, and I had to learn to live with
it.  Instead of saying anything, I picked up the basket and trailed along
behind him as he pushed Lillie’s carriage back over towards the house.

After dropping off the blackberries with Cora at the kitchen
house, Ethan and I parted ways.  He took Lillie into the sitting room to
check on Elizabeth, and I went upstairs to Ethan’s old room.

I cried again, though tried to keep quiet so as not to disturb
anyone.  I longed to feel Ethan’s arms around me again, longed for it like
breathing air.  I felt alone again like I’d lost everything.  My
heart ached as tears streamed down my face and landed on my arm, as I lay on my
belly across the bed. 

I lay there thinking about things for the rest of the morning
and into the afternoon.  I missed dinner, not wanting to eat anyway. 
I wished with all my might I didn’t have to leave Ethan, Lillie, or this
plantation, but I had no choice.  I’d have to go live with my
brother.  I wasn’t sure I could bear the thought of living so close to the
man I loved, living with another woman and having a child with her. 
Perhaps if I didn’t see him, it would make it easier.  If I couldn’t have
him, then I didn’t want to see him, at least not for a while.  I decided
to ask Clarissa to bring Lillie over to me instead of Ethan.

In the late afternoon, since I hadn’t eaten all day, my stomach
finally decided it needed something to eat.  I dressed nice for supper, my
last meal at Wellington Cross.  I felt like wearing black, since I
considered myself to be in mourning, but knew that wouldn’t be proper. 
Instead, I wore the satiny green dress that Ethan had bought for me on our
honeymoon.  I wanted Ethan to get a good look at what he was giving up, so
I had to look my best.

When I reached the hall downstairs, Clarissa wanted to talk with
me in private, so we went into the master study and sat on the sofa.  We
talked quietly about the situation with Elizabeth, and I told her that Ethan
wanted to be close to Elizabeth’s baby, and that I would have to leave the
plantation and go live in my old home with Jonas.  She was sympathetic
about it and hugged me.

“Would you bring Lillie over to see me every day,” I asked her.

“Yes, of course,” she agreed. 

“I think it would be easier for me that way,” I said.  “It
would be painful to see Ethan every day and not be able to be with him. 
Does that make sense?  I don’t mean that in a rude way; I’m just trying to
get through this the best way I can.”