Wellington Cross (Wellington Cross Series) (41 page)

“Yes, but I was married to him first, Jonas.  He was mine
first.  He was my best friend growing up, I followed him around, and then
we fell in love.  You said yourself – and rightly so – that I have never
looked at another man but him.  I wanted nothing more than to spend the
rest of my life with him.”  Tears formed and trickled down both my cheeks. 

Jonas stood up and knelt down beside me and took me in his
arms.  I cried, once more, over the loss of Ethan, my beloved.  I’d
cried a lot lately and been held by so many people, and yet nothing would take
the pain away.

I wiped my eyes and took a deep breath, and he stayed there beside
me.  “Madeline, you have to tell him the truth.  Don’t let him make
another mistake.  Don’t decide for him.  At least consider it before
you start making wedding plans, will you?”  I nodded in agreement.  “If,
however, you do decide to marry William, I will support you and lie for you,
and you are welcome to live here with us.  This is your home, too.”

“Thank you, Jonas.”  He kissed me on the forehead as
Catherine came in serving hot eggs and biscuits.

After breakfast, I told William in private that I had told Jonas
about Ethan being the father – actually that he had guessed it – so that he
would not have to pretend in front of him.  Therefore, all the adults in
this household knew the truth about Ethan being the father of my baby.

After the ball, I began to have recurring dreams, and I would wake
up to find Catherine hovering over me, saying I was calling out for Ethan
again.  I’d be drenched with sweat and have a headache.  One such
morning, a week after the harvest ball, I’d had another dream about
Ethan.  They were always the same…I was in the garden here at Magnolia
Grove with Lillie, playing hide and seek around the grape arbor.  My new
baby was lying on a blanket in the shade of the arbor, cooing happily.  I
would look for Ethan, but not be able to find him.  I would call out for
him, but he never answered.  Elizabeth would show up instead, carrying a
baby in her arms, and she would take Lillie by the hand and guide her
away.  Lillie would cry and look back at me.  Ethan would then show
up and pick up my baby – our baby – from the blanket, look at me, take Lillie’s
other hand, and then they would all walk away from me.  The baby would
start crying.  I would scream for Ethan, but he ignored me, while Lillie
and the baby still cried.  William would then appear and pull my arm away,
leading me in the opposite direction, towards the Great House.  That’s
usually when I woke up, still looking back at Ethan and crying out to him and
our two children.  This time, however, my dream changed. 

After being pulled away, I turned around and looked into Edward’s
eyes instead of William’s.  Ethan’s father was dressed in a Union
officer’s uniform.  The scenery had changed, and we were at Wellington
Cross instead of Magnolia Grove.  He pulled me by the arm and led me up
the hill, into the manor and into his study, where he showed me some papers,
which I couldn’t see clearly.  He reached into a drawer of his desk and
pulled out a gun and pointed it straight at me.  I screamed and woke up
with a jolt.

Catherine was sitting beside me, holding my hand.  “Another
dream about Ethan?” she asked.  I nodded.  I didn’t want to tell her
about the last part of this dream before I figured out what it meant.  She
wiped my forehead off with a wet cloth, and gave me a glass of water.  “Do
you need anything else?”

“No.  Thank you, Catherine.”

“Are you sure you’re doing the right thing, Madeline?  It’s
not good for the baby or you for you to be so upset that you’re having bad
dreams every night.”

She was right.  Even though I had made a decision to marry
William, I was not happy about it.  “I realize that.  If I could
change my dreams, I would.”

“Do you want to talk about them?”

I took a deep breath and sat up in bed, propping my pillow up
against the headboard.  “Basically, Lillie and I are playing hide and seek
while my new baby plays happily on a blanket.  Then Elizabeth comes along,
holding a baby, and then Ethan comes along and picks up our new baby – and they
both take Lillie and the new baby away from me.  Then William appears and
leads me away in the other direction.  I start screaming for Ethan…because
I so desperately don’t want to be separated from him or my babies and I don’t
want to go with William.  I’m so scared Ethan will take my baby away, and
also I honestly don’t know if I can marry William or not.”

She stroked my arm.  “My dear.  I’m so sorry you have to
go through all of this.  You should be happily married and enjoying this
new baby’s progress with Ethan.  Perhaps you should tell him the truth.”

She was the second person in this house to tell me that within a
week’s time.  I supposed if I was so miserable, then perhaps I should tell
him.  “Perhaps,” I said.  

She left the room, and I began to think about the other part of my
dream, the part about Ethan’s father, and I suddenly remembered something that
happened before my accident, before the amnesia.  I had been in Edward’s
study one afternoon after we had married, as Ethan had asked me to retrieve a
book for him.  He told me the very place it would be, back behind the
desk, on a low shelf of the bookcase.  As I reached for the book I had
been looking for, something caught the corner of my eye, and I turned and saw a
cloth of dark blue material hanging out of a small chest beside the desk. 
It looked like the sleeve of a coat.  I lifted the lid to put the sleeve
back inside when I was surprised to find a Union Army frock coat with shiny
gold buttons.  I was astonished.  I picked the coat up, and noted
that it had double rows of gold buttons and gold epaulettes on the
shoulders.  It was the frock coat of a Union officer.  I wondered why
it was in Edward’s office.

Underneath the coat in the bottom of the chest were papers. 
I looked at the door to make sure no one was close by, and seeing no one, I
picked up the papers to see what they were.  I was shocked to see Captain
Edward Wellington’s name across the top and General Ulysses S. Grant’s name at
the bottom.  They were dispatch papers, telegraphs and correspondence
papers from General Grant to Edward during the war.  My mind went crazy
with the idea that Edward had been a traitor.  I knew I had to tell
Ethan.  I took one of the papers and placed it inside the book for Ethan, and
placed the rest of the papers and frock coat back in the chest.  As I
stood up to leave the room, I heard hobbling footsteps, and Edward walked
through the door. 

“Madeline?” he inquired.  “What are you doing in here?”

“Oh, I was just getting a book for Ethan,” I said nervously,
holding up the book, plastering a fake smile.

“Is that all?”  He looked anxious.

“Yes, sir,” I replied, fleeing the room as quickly as I could.

Finally, I had a memory from the past that my mind had kept
hidden.  It was no wonder I felt uneasy around Edward, and that he had
acted strangely around me, as well.  He must have suspected what I’d
found.  I would have to talk to Ethan now and tell him about this.  I
never got a chance to tell him the day I found them, for I had to take the
carriage…somewhere.  That part was still foggy.

A few weeks later, we celebrated Thanksgiving Day.  During
the war, President Abraham Lincoln had declared that Thanksgiving Day would be
on the fourth Thursday of the month of November.  No one worked that day,
and we had a small celebration at Magnolia Grove.  I helped Catherine fix
oysters that Jonas had gathered by the river, a wild turkey that William had
recently shot, along with yams, broccoli, butternut squash, and pumpkin pie.

We each said something we were thankful for, and when it was my
turn, I hesitated.  I wanted to say I was grateful for God giving me
another child with Ethan, but that wouldn’t have been proper.  So I
shortened it by saying I was thankful for children, for Lillie and my unborn
baby, and for the family I had at the table.  Catherine, who sat beside
me, squeezed my hand.

After eating little and helping Catherine clean up the dining room
and kitchen, I took a walk out to the family graveyard where my father had been
buried after coming home in a box, and where Clarissa and I had buried my
mother during the war.  My grandparents on my father’s side were buried
here, as well.  I laid some camellias I had picked on top of their graves
and knelt down on my knees, looking at their names and dates, rubbing my
fingers across the cold stone.  I missed them.  How I wish my mother
was here to advise me what to do.  This was a decision I would have to
make on my own.  Neither of them would be able to see this new grandchild,
the same as they never got to see Lillie.  Tears spilled out and tickled
my cheeks. 

I walked back to the plantation slowly and went straight into the
parlor to play the piano.  I played sad, mournful tunes, for I was in a
melancholy mood.  The others stayed away, perhaps sensing my mood.  I
wanted time alone to think.  I couldn’t help thinking about my unborn
child and its future, as well as my
own future and impending
marriage to William.  I didn’t want my child to be born a bastard, so I
had to be married before it was born…before March, perhaps in January or
February.  Yet I did not relish the idea of a masquerade marriage. 
Was this really any better than marrying Jefferson?  I knew that it was,
however.  I had my memories now, had spent some wonderful times with the
man I loved, and had two children to love and care for.  Of course it was
better than marrying Jefferson.

Nevertheless, I wanted Ethan.  I couldn’t stop thinking
about him or the consequences of me marrying William when I did not love him.
 I could not imagine sharing this baby with William, couldn’t imagine the
two of us being happy about the baby’s first steps, the way Ethan and I had
been in the attic that hot day when Lillie took hers.  I also thought
about William and what he would be giving up if he married me…love, marital
relations, and his own future children, as I would not have relations with him;
therefore, he would have no children of his own.  How did one decide to
turn off all his feelings, to risk happiness, in order to help someone out that
they barely knew?  Someone who still longed to be with another person?

I began to play Beethoven’s “Moonlight Sonata”, the song that I
had
been playing while kissing Ethan.  It seemed like so long
ago.  I began weeping softly, tears streaming down my face, thinking about
him…longing for him.  I felt the baby move inside me, which made me miss
him all them more.

My thoughts and playing were interrupted when William came into
the room.  He stood in the doorway watching me.  I stopped playing
and wiped my eyes.

“Don’t let me interrupt you.  Please, continue playing,” he
said.  “Do you mind if I stay and listen?”

I nodded my consent and continued playing the piece slowly,
methodically, trying to push Ethan out of my mind but failing.  I could
almost feel Ethan moving my hair off my neck, kissing my earlobe, my neck, my
chin, my mouth…I had to stop this; I was only torturing myself.  I
swallowed hard and looked over at William, who was staring at me, seemingly
mesmerized.  I’m sure he had no idea what I had been thinking; if he did,
he would surely blush or turn away.  I slowly ended the movement, and then
got up and went over to sit in a chair near William.  He pulled out a
handkerchief and handed it to me. 

“Thank you,” I said, dabbing the remains of tears from my eyes.

“Are you all right?” he asked. 

No, of course not, I thought.  “I’ll be fine, just feeling
moody.  It must be the confinement.”

“Oh,” he said.  “You didn’t eat much.  Are you feeling
all right?  You’re not queasy, are you?  I could get you some ginger
tea if you are.”

“No, no.  No queasiness.  But thank you for the
offer.”  He was so sweet and kind to me.  I supposed I should
consider myself lucky to have two wonderful men that cared about me.  If
only I could turn my thoughts and feelings off of Ethan and pour them into
William.  If I cared half as much about William as I did Ethan, perhaps I
wouldn’t have those bad dreams, and I wouldn’t miss Ethan so much.  As it
were, however, I could not stop thinking about Ethan.  I had not seen him
much in the past couple of months, and so it felt like, to me, he had already
gotten over me.  Especially after I told him I was having William’s
baby.  That only saddened me more.

“Are you not happy, Madeline?  I know I’m not the one you
want to marry, but I promise to be good to you and your baby.  What can I
do to make you happy?”

“I…I honestly don’t know.  I apologize.  It’s nothing
personal, William.  You are a wonderful person; you’ve been so kind to
me.  It’s just…I’m having a hard time putting Ethan out of my mind.”

“You’ll never put him out of your mind, Madeline.  I wouldn’t
expect you to.  You have two children together, so you will always be
connected to each other.  I told you this was a marriage of convenience,
nothing more.  I don’t expect you to love me.”  He stood up and
patted my shoulder.  “Perhaps you should tell him the truth.”

“You really think so?”

“I’ll go along with whatever you decide to do, whatever will make
you happy.”