Authors: Rose D. Cassidy
“I did lose you and you took the shorter route, you knew where I’d be. Now if you’ll excuse me it’s late.” She stood up to go inside and get away from him. He had other ideas. He grabbed her hand.
“You said later I could do this.”
“No, you said later. I only said not now.”
“Ah, yes, but not answering me, you silently agreed to a stroll.”
“Actually, I silently disagreed.”
“To bad there was no witnesses to back up your story. My part has witnesses go ask Gwen or Jos. I said it out loud.”
“Ha, you are creative, I’ll give you that.” He took a step closer to her and bent his head toward her, she dropped her eyes so that he could not see the want in them. He kissed her cheek and dropped his head slightly like hers, stroked the inside of her wrist and let her feel his breath on her neck as he spoke, “Goodnight, Trey. Dream about me.” He lingered for a few seconds more before stepping back and looked up at her. She huffed, rising and dropping her shoulders then spun away from him.
“Good. Night.” she clipped out. He didn’t like the way she said it or the way he was leaving her.
“You can
take
me inside if you’d like.” She spun back around pissed, but it didn’t sound it in her voice.
“Sorry, but I don’t do that unless it’s for one night to the ass I just fucked up.”
“Just because you didn’t beat me doesn’t mean you didn’t fuck me up. And if that’s what it takes to be close to you, come kick my ass.” He held out his arms in invitation and she shook her head.
“Your audacity is mildly amusing, but not good enough.” He skipped the two steps up to her and grabbed a hold of her waist, her hands flying up to his chest to brace against him.
“You can kick my ass
every night
if it means that I’ll be able to touch you.” He shook his head. “No, I won’t even touch you, you don’t have to touch me or even love me, just be close to me. Please, Trey I want you in my life, don’t push me away.”
She didn’t know what to say, she didn’t want to push him away yet she really wanted to push him away. She leaned in and put her head on his chest, he wrapped his arms around her and pulled her as close as he could. He sighed and leaned his head on top of hers. She might not be hugging him back, but he really didn’t care, she was in his arms and not pulling away. They stood there for a few
minutes before she spoke words that completely crushed his hope. “I
can’t
love you.”
“Why? What’s so wrong with me?”
“It’s not you, I’m sorry Ayden. Good night.” She pulled away from him and he let her. Broken he stood there without even looking up to watch her leave him. ‘Will I see you tomorrow’ was on the tip of his tongue, but that was even broken. He wasn’t even sure if he wanted to know the answer to that. He dropped down and sat on his steps.
When she walked in Gwen had her arms crossed blocking her path to the stairs, “You
like
him Trey. Stop trying to convince yourself otherwise. Stop lying to yourself.
He fits you.
You’ll still be able to stand alone when you need to. Don’t let your beliefs stop you.” She turned without wanting to hear what Trey had to say, but it didn’t stop it.
“It’s not entirely like that.” She ran up the stairs to avoid the question she knew Gwen was going to ask. ‘Then what’s it like?’ She didn’t know if it was her beliefs or if it was something else. He did say she didn’t have to love him. She supposed that was the issue, but he made it not and she still walked away. She knew that more of it had to do with her beliefs, her history. She knew she was lying to herself. ‘Breath don’t deny, right?’ Did he not want to take over the fights? It’s not like she’s really thought of that fact the past two days. Maybe she already through that possibility out, but was she going to be able to throw it out completely, it’s still a question in her head. Did he just want her? She could tell he wasn’t hiding anything when he said it. ‘Could it be the real problem, me lying to myself so I won’t like him?’ She’s been and she knows it yet she’s still a bit second guessing it. She doesn’t know what to do about it. It did make her think about it though. She fell asleep after a long shower still thinking about it, but no conclusion came to her.
He never felt so tired, so drained. He collapsed in his bed and passed out without another thought of what screamed in his head all the way home. “Will I see her tomorrow?”
***
Chapter Eleven
:
The Issue Lies W
ithin
‘Screw that. I aint lying to myself, I’m protecting myself.’ She would not break for him because she knew that he would never be able to fix her if she did. No one could, not anyone, not him, only herself could. She would not depend on a man or anyone for anything when it came to her emotions. And she would not allow herself to be played with and broke ever again. But would he break her or fix her broken heart? She through that thought out before she even really thought it. She reminded herself how he was only a test of her strength and control. She reminded herself that she made it through her father and there was no doubt that she could make it through Ayden.
She ran through her pep talk not once but twice. She went for a morning run which she never does, but she needed to get some of that amped up anger away from her before school. Her whole run she chanted to herself; I will not let him take my control, I will not let him break me, I will not give into lust or want; it is only a weakness, I will stand tall, I will make it through him, I will make him fall in defeat, I will make him forget all about me. She kept going on even after her run. She let it all run through her head all day long.
He woke up completely miserable. She really wasn’t going to give him a chance and it broke him. He didn’t want to get out of bed, but he knew he had to, he would not be the dirt bag everyone always saw him as. He had drive, he had motivation, he just had more when she was a possibility of loving. The possibility gone, stripped him of a certain happiness he knew he always wanted just never thought he would have until he met her. He still knew that he had to do all this for himself, but he wished he could do it for her also. Maybe he still could there was an ounce of hope left in him.
He went through his day robotically, keeping to his regular, original job; making something of himself. When he saw Trey sitting under the tree he switched his direction and almost ran into Jos.
“What are you going to do; avoid her, give up on her, seriously? If that’s so, than I guess she was right not to let you into her life. She is strong and determined and needs someone just as strong and determined as she is. I really thought that was you. Suck it up and put some big girl panties on. Don’t let emotion get to you, she never did until you came around. Fix it, damn it. I want my best friend back.” She huffed and walked off leaving Ayden a bit shocked.
Jos was right and he knew it. He was letting emotions cloud his judgment. He was letting his emotional pain break him. He wanted Trey and he would have her if not through force than through love, it bothered her most, it would have to work.
He stalked over to her and sat down close enough for their arms to touch. He leaned his head back and closed his eyes. “If I let you bite my wrist again will you get up and walk away like you did last time because I don’t have the time for you to bother me.” He didn’t bother to comment just grabbed her hand and laced it with his. “Are you serious, let go of my hand,” she bitched.
“No, I won’t.” He opened his eyes and faced her, staring her down. “Tell me why you
can’t
love me. And I’m not asking, I’m demanding. I won’t let go until you tell me and even after I won’t if it is something I can change or help.”
“You are unbelievable.”
“Oh, believe it honny, I’m right here.” He squeezed her hand. “Now please do enlighten me. I’m waiting.”
“You’re going to be waiting a long time for an explanation for
that
, it is something I am not willing to share, especially with
you.
So just give up and go away.”
“I am not going to give up if you haven’t already caught onto that, you’re not as smart as I thought and I will not go away, I haven’t yet and I don’t ever plan on it. You’re stuck with me in your life whether you like it or not. I’m crazy in love with you and I don’t mind if you never love me back, no one ever
has
and I can deal with that. What I can’t deal with is not giving you my love, it
belongs
only to
you
.”
“Ha, only to me, than explain why you screw
any
girl at the bar even after you met me?”
“Because if I didn’t I would have went back to you and told you I loved you much sooner than I did and I would have wrapped you in my arms and never let go and you would have thought me crazy. I
need
to give my love away, I
have
to give it away and now I
want
to only give it to
you,
no one else.”
“Too late for that buddy, I do think you’re crazy and a stalker and an asshole and…”
“Stop, you can tell yourself all of that, but I know as well as you do that you want me too. I see it in your eyes. I
saw
it in your eyes the first day we met. I watched it grow every day after that. So stop denying it.”
“You are so fake, you have no idea what I want
or
even what
you
want. And trust me, you do not want me, you might
think
you do now, but you won’t, I can promise you that.”
“And if you don’t keep that promise, what will you give me?”
“Oh how about this,
my hand in marriage
, that’s how much I
know
it won’t happen.”
“You are so on with that. Now, tell me why you
can’t
love me. You will share it with me, you’ll have to if you want me to go away.”
“Oh, but what if it’s something you think you can change or help, then what? I’m still stuck with you annoying me, I don’t think so. Just give up. You’ll be better off. Forget you even met me.”
“That’s never going to happen, it doesn’t matter what you do to me I will
never
forget you, you’re inspiring, beautiful, smart, strong, unbelievably perfect for me…”
“Oh stop, your making me sick with the corniness.”
“Why? Because you can’t handle someone being nice and respecting what you do? I’m willing to stand
next
to you
and
let you stand
alone
when you need to. We don’t have to tell anyone we’re together if that’s what it is. I’ll keep it a secret, I don’t care just as long as you’re with me. I don’t even care if you don’t or
can’t
love me. I just want you, I want to give you my love. Think about
that
. Then maybe you’ll tell me the reason why you
can’t
love me.” He jumped up and let go of her hand and stalked off feeling pretty damn good. ‘She has no excuse now,’ he thought to himself. ‘Let her stew on that.’
‘What a disrespectful ass.’ She huffed and stood up, throwing her earphones in and singing along to some song to block it all out. She would not let his words bother her. They are just words, they don’t mean nothing without action. What she didn’t bother to think about is his actions. He
did
still keep coming back even after she told him she could not love him, he is still strong enough to keep hanging on. But would he after he found out that she really had no heart to give him? That it was torn from her way back when. That it was truly destroyed by her father. She tried loving him, the one man that she
should
unconditionally love but she couldn’t even do that. How was she supposed to love anyone else? How could she, it was proven that she has no heart by that and that alone.
He was
hot to trot
and ready for more. He breezed through his last class and headed off to the gym full of himself. He did well and he knew it. She would be so messed up that when he goes to see her tonight she would throw her arms around him and give in, taking his love in huge strides. How could she refuse what he offered her? A chance to be loved by
him
and she didn’t have to love him back and he would keep it a secret just like she wants. He would give her the space to stand alone just like Gwen said. What other excuse could she possible come up with? Dane was completely out of breath and dying, but Ayden was still ready for more and very much still pumped up. He ran off what he could, jumped in the shower and headed to her shop.
She did good ignoring everything he said right up until he walked in her shop then she just got pissed. He stalked straight up to her, grabbed her arm and pulled her into the back. “So, why
can’t
you love me, when all I want is to love you?” He expected her just to throw herself at him; what was he kidding; it’s Trey.