Wes and Toren (11 page)

“I’m sorry!” I shouted through my tears, burying my face in my hands. She hated me. I was making her go through this all over again.

How could she ever forgive me?

“Toren, calm down,” she said, lowering her face to look in my eyes. “Toren, I’m not angry. Or upset, or disappointed,” she said, but I was barely paying attention. I squeezed my eyes shut and my body shook with my sobs. “Oh, this is all my fault,” she whispered, touching her hand to her forehead.

“I’m…I’m sorry….” I whimpered pathetically. Then I felt her hand on my knee.

“Toren, listen to me. Toren?” She waited for me to look up at her, but I couldn’t. “I’m sorry, Toren. I’m so sorry,” she said, pressing down on my knee. “I should’ve talked to you sooner. I’m not upset, Toren. Are you listening?” I glanced up at her through blurry eyes and she smiled softly. “I’m not upset. I should’ve talked to you sooner. I knew what happened between your dad and me had an enormous effect on you and I said all those terrible things to him right in front of you. If I could, I would take them all back. But I never meant to hurt you. I never wanted you to be afraid to be yourself because of what I might think. I love you more than anything and I just want you to be happy. And to be honest, I’m
proud
of you. You did something your father couldn’t do until he was thirty-five. I’m proud that you were able to discover the truth about 78

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yourself while you’re still young. You won’t have to suffer the way he did for so many years.” I glanced up at Mom and her face was soft and kind, accepting, and my tears rolled freely down my cheeks. Mom lifted my chin, our eyes met, and she smiled. “And I think you have Wes, in part, to thank for that.”

I blushed and looked down. I could feel Mom and Wesley staring at me. Mom smiled at Wesley and my heart felt lighter. I rubbed at the tears in my eyes with the back of my hand and Mom tapped my knee with her index finger.

“I just want you to be happy, sweetheart. I never want you to feel like you have to hide because you’re afraid of what I might think.” She looked around the living room and scooted closer to me. “I hate to drop all this on you and then leave, but I gotta get back to work. I forgot my wallet and I gotta go,” she said, pushing down on her knees to stand up.

She patted my head and trotted off down the hall.

I didn’t look at Wesley yet, just stared at the empty space where Mom had sat on the coffee table. A moment later, Mom returned with a large, brown wallet and stuffed it in her purse on the kitchen table. She kissed the top of my head and walked to the front door.

“I love you, sweetheart. I’ll see you later. You boys be good,” she said and then left.

After a long moment, when the whirlwind finally died down, Wesley leaned back into the sofa and put his feet up on the table. He laced his fingers behind his head and sighed noisily. He glanced at me sideways and then looked toward the ceiling.

“That was…pretty cool,” he said. “Your mom is really amazing.”

I nodded; my voice wasn’t settled yet. The tears receded a bit and I breathed in air as if I had been holding my breath for a long time. She didn’t hate me. She wasn’t disgusted. I was so afraid that she would never want to see me again. She said she was proud of me.
She didn’t
hate me.

“What exactly happened between your folks?” Wesley asked, rolling his head on the back of the sofa to look at me.

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“They….” I cleared my throat and sniffled. “They got divorced when I was about twelve. My dad left her for…another man. She said all these horrible things to Dad, screamed them at him. We lived in kind of a small town, so everyone found out and eventually he moved away. Me and Alycia were teased about it and everyone kinda looked at Mom in a different way. Like it was her fault or something.”

“That must’ve been really hard…for both of them,” Wesley murmured, putting his arm around my shoulders.

He was right. It must’ve been so hard to find out that the person you love wasn’t in love with you. I couldn’t even imagine what that might feel like.

“But I guess I can understand how your dad felt. I mean, I struggled with my feelings for a while too,” Wesley considered aloud.

I looked down to my lap and my eyes welled up. I had always blamed my dad for what happened, but I guess it must’ve been hard for him too. To find the strength, the courage, to tell Mom the truth, to accept it himself, after so many years…after marriage and two kids.

I glanced at Wesley, his words echoing in my head. “You…you had trouble too?” It was hard to imagine; he was always so confident.

“Yeah,” he answered awkwardly, looking away. “I went out with girls because I was supposed to. But I didn’t feel anything. I mean, I would catch myself watching other guys, but I just ignored the feeling.

Then…then I saw you. I guess you were the first crush I ever really acknowledged. I wanted to talk to you, get to know you. I wanted to do more than that,” he said, blushing lightly. Then he looked up at me and a devilish grin replaced his awkward expression. “Heh, I mean, seriously, I can’t tell you how many times I jerked off thinking about you.”

My cheeks reddened, even my ears felt hot. He did it too?

Wesley stared at me and a smirk curled the corners of his mouth.

“Hey, did you do it too? While thinking about me?”

“Wesley!” I scolded, my cheeks on fire. I couldn’t look at him and I was sure he figured out the truth.

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“C’mon, I’m being honest. Just tell me. I won’t be mad if you didn’t think about me.”

He was really asking and I could see that his pride was on the line.

Mortified, I confessed without words, nodding my head.

“I knew it!” he shouted delightfully, his pride in check. He inched closer to me, resting his hand on my knee. “But, seriously, I was always watching you. When I finally admitted that I had a crush on you, I couldn’t keep my eyes off you, but you were too dense to notice,” he said with a laugh, looking at me from the corner of his eye. “God, I was so nervous. The first time I talked to you, when you came over to my house….”

“What? You didn’t act like that at all!” I shouted and then I looked down bashfully. “Especially because of what you said.”

“What? What did I say?”

“You…you said that I looked at you…like I wanted you to…you know,” I stuttered. My heart was beating through my chest. Just remembering some of our first conversations excited me.

“I…what? Did I really?” he asked. Then he slapped his knee and looked up gleefully. “Oh yeah! I said that you looked at me like you wanted me to fuck you! I can’t believe I actually said that! I can’t believe you didn’t punch me in the face!” Wesley laughed heartily, enjoying my embarrassment, and I punched him in the arm, even if it was a little late.

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IT was finally the last day of school. The last day I would have to spend in the joyless halls of high school. It was a milestone, but it was a damn long day. My stomach tightened with anxiety and I went over my note cards for History again, but it didn’t help. I hated public speaking.

“Hey, whatcha doin’?” Wesley asked, sidling up beside me and dropping his book bag.

“What?” I asked absentmindedly, looking up at him. He took the note cards from my hands and fanned through them.

“Man, I just had my English final and it totally sucked. I don’t know why I even bothered studying,” he said, thudding back against the lockers.

I furrowed my brows at him. He didn’t actually study for English very much; he was more interested in getting my pants off. I looked down from the corners of my eyes and blushed. Wesley handed back the note cards.

“You ready for the presentation?” he asked.

“Yeah, I guess so. I just really hate public speaking.”

“I know. You’re so cute. You turn all red and stutter,” Wesley said with a grin.

“I…yeah, I know. I can’t help it,” I conceded.

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“Well, don’t worry about it. I’ll be right next to you. And when we’re done, we’ll just start making out, okay? Our presentation will also be our coming out.”

“Wesley!” I snapped, glancing up and down the hall.

“You know, I heard on the news that sex before public speaking is supposed to be relaxing. So you want a quickie in the boys’ room before we’re up?”

“Wesley!” I scolded again. “You’re not helping!”

Wesley laughed and picked up his book bag just before the bell rang. He smiled warmly and patted my shoulder. “C’mon, you know this stuff inside-out. You’ll be fine.”

“WHERE are we going?” I asked. Wesley seemed to be driving aimlessly.

“I thought we’d go to our secret hiding place,” Wesley said, glancing at me, and then taking a hit of his cigarette. “I figured it’d be a good place to go to celebrate our first moments of freedom from the oppressive education machine.”

“Oppressive education machine?” I laughingly repeated. “Hmm, I’ll have to remember that one.”

The windows were rolled all the way down and the fresh air felt good. I finally closed the high school chapter of my life and I vowed never to set foot in that school again. High school sucked and I was glad to leave it behind. It was warm and sunny without a cloud in the sky and I took that as a confirmation: an end to the oppressive education machine.

Wesley pulled onto the shoulder of the road and we walked to the small alcove of trees hiding the algae-green pond, leaving our book bags in the car. We sat down on the fallen log and Wesley kissed me. I tasted the tobacco on his breath and realized how used to it I had gotten. He lit another cigarette and leaned back on his hands, looking up at the sky overhead. We talked about the summer and all the things we were going Wes & Toren

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to do together. I wanted to take a trip to the beach, but it would have to be an overnight excursion since there were no beaches nearby.

Wesley interrupted my daydream when he pulled a joint out of his pack of cigarettes. He slid it underneath his nose then put it in his mouth.

He leaned back as he searched for his lighter in his pocket.

“Smoke this with me,” he said.

“I don’t know….”

“Oh, c’mon. You already did it once, so what’s the big deal?

Besides, you’ll probably get high this time, so it won’t be a waste,” he urged, burning the tip then inhaling deeply. He held it out to me and I took it hesitantly. “You remember how, don’t you?”

I nodded and brought the joint to my lips, breathing in cautiously and then breathing in again. The smoke filled my lungs and I exhaled fully, watching the stream of smoke from my mouth. I smiled shyly and Wesley congratulated me, patting my back and taking the joint. We passed it back and forth and I experienced only one coughing fit. When we got to the roach, Wesley put it out and dropped it in his cigarette pack. I looked at the pond and rubbed the tops of my legs with my palms.

“I feel kinda funny,” I said, starting to swing my legs back and forth.

“Funny good? Or funny bad?” Wesley asked, smiling with an arched eyebrow.

“Funny good,” I said with a giggle.

“Yup, you’re definitely stoned, Mr. Grey,” he announced and slapped my back. Mr. Grey sounded funny to me. “You’ve been smiling since your third toke.”

“I have?” I asked, touching my face with my fingertips. I giggled again.

Wesley laughed softly and rested his hand on my leg. “Kiss me.”

“Okay,” I agreed and leaned into him. He slid his tongue between my lips and when I closed my eyes, the sensation rippled through my 84

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body. I kissed him with every sense escalated and it felt so good. Before I knew it, Wesley unbuttoned my blue jeans and pulled down the zipper.

I jumped back and looked around cautiously. “Wait! Wh-what are you doing?”

“Relax. There’s no one around for miles,” Wesley assured me, continuing to push his hand down my pants.

I responded to his touch, the mere hint of it. Wesley grinned at me and I finally admitted to myself that I was really horny. I wondered if this was how Wesley felt all the time.

“Wesley!” I protested, remembering how out in the open we were.

“Oh, come on,” Wesley urged. “On the off chance that someone comes by, I’ll just tell them that you…were bit by a snake and I’m just…sucking out the poison.”

“What?”

Wesley yanked down my pants and gasped. “Oh no! It’s swelling up! And rigor mortis has already set in! I’ve got to hurry!”

“What?”

Wesley laughed and then licked the tip tenderly. He moved his hands to the base and then dropped his mouth around me. He sucked and licked feverishly. I moaned quietly and he pulled me closer and deeper into his mouth, moving his hand to my backside. My legs trembled and I grasped his shoulders.

“Oh, wow….”

Wesley stopped and looked up at me with a grin at the corner of his mouth. “Did you just say wow?”

I looked down at him in my lap, his brown hair falling in his eyes, the grin on his lips. My whole body felt warm and tingly. “Don’t stop!” I pleaded, forgetting about the joint we just smoked, the fresh open air, the fear of being caught. Wesley was the only real thing in this world.