What Really Happened (14 page)

In mid-March I went to DC for a few nights and spent my days in Georgetown going to the movies and shopping. I remember having to hide in an adjoining kitchen in Johnny’s hotel room when John Davis again came in to get his bags. I then took a train to Philadelphia and went to the Westin to wait for his call. I had to walk much farther in the cold rain to the Sheraton than I thought I would, and he was late because he was watching a basketball game with his staffers. Neither exactly made me happy. That night turned out to be another crazy Elizabeth night, with her calling to scream all night. As usual, Johnny didn’t get much sleep, attempting to calm her from the other room. After she finally wore through his patience, it would turn into a full-blown fight that was beyond belief. And then they’d repeat the whole process. The whole thing was misery beyond belief. I asked him how long this had been going on. He replied, “As long as I have known her.”

I asked, “Before she found out about me?”

He said, “Oh yes. It has gotten worse but it has always been there.”

Elizabeth took it upon herself to replace Andrew as Johnny’s driver by hiring a woman named Kat Lee. When Andrew saw that he was no longer on the schedule he called me, very upset, focusing primarily on how he would never be able to get the phone to Johnny if he wasn’t driving. I assured Andrew that Johnny wasn’t going to let that happen.

Once again, I was wrong. Andrew was out as the driver, never again to be reinstated.

I sometimes wondered what Elizabeth had on Johnny, what gave her the power to make him fold? It was like no other marriage I had ever seen. It isn’t uncommon to be afraid of your spouse, shutting down when he or she walks into the room, which comes from projecting all your childhood stuff into your marriage. But again, I had never seen anything like this marriage. He was so strong, fearless, and honest in every other area of his life, but when it came to her, he was incredibly weak. Did it have to do with losing a child together?

Andrew getting replaced by Elizabeth really helped motivate him to do whatever he could to get Johnny the new phone. No matter how early Andrew would have to rise to put it on the plane, or retrieve it from the oddest of places, he was more than willing. He would even stop Kat en route for Johnny to sign some pictures or some books, but what was really happening was a hand off of the cell phone. In short, I was becoming Andrew’s only connection to Johnny.

My birthday was March 20
^th
, and after a birthday lunch at Pastis with Mimi, I was sitting in her car on University Place in Greenwich Village. She had left me in the car while she went to run an errand. My cell rang. It was Johnny, and he was in crisis mode: He told me that the doctors believed that Elizabeth’s cancer might be back, that they didn’t know for sure, but he was canceling everything and going back to Chapel Hill. “And if it is back,” he continued, “I am definitely getting out of the race.”

I told him I was there for him, whatever he needed.

He said he would call as soon as he could.

I didn’t ask any questions about our future plans to see each other Thursday night in New York and whether we were still on. Those thoughts did not enter my head. All I could think about was the cancer.

My heart really went out to them both. I lost my father to cancer; I know all too well what a bitch cancer actually is.

ELEVEN

The Circle of Life

“I have found the paradox, that if you love until it hurts, there can be no more hurt, only more love.”

—
M
OTHER
T
ERESA

O
N MY BIRTHDAY, Andrew claimed that Johnny had gotten me something that was going to arrive at my house. Sure enough, red roses came. They were beautiful, and yet it was a gesture that grossed me out because I knew they weren’t actually from Johnny. Andrew sent them and claimed they were from Johnny. I knew Johnny would not send me red roses and that he didn’t ask Andrew to do that. I already knew Johnny well enough to know that the only birthdays he really acknowledges are his kids’. I didn’t stop to wonder who paid for those roses. But where was Andrew getting the money to send me a gift? How many other gifts did he send claiming they’re from Johnny?

I did not hear from Johnny the next day, and now that Andrew was no longer driving Johnny, he hadn’t either. Andrew saw him the following night at a fundraiser at Tim Toben’s house (Tim is a friend of Andrew’s) attended by both Johnny and Elizabeth. Because Johnny didn’t talk to Andrew about what was going on, I had no way of knowing what had happened at the hospital that morning.

On the morning of the press conference, when the news started breaking that they had had a powwow at Johnny’s house with the campaign insiders, and all speculation was that her cancer was back, I still did not know anything because my only connection to what was happening was Andrew, and he wasn’t an “insider.”

So I watched the press conference along with the rest of the world and was blown away by the hypocrisy of both Johnny and Elizabeth. Johnny stood there claiming that Elizabeth was the most unselfish person he had ever known, which was just a flat-out lie. Whenever he confronted a crisis with Elizabeth, he automatically jumped to her aid and gave her whatever she wanted in an attempt to take away her pain. I had seen him do precisely that over and over again. And now, he was staying in the race.

There was no way that staying in the race was his choice. I was furious at myself. I was flabbergasted because he told me that he was definitely getting out of the race if the cancer was back. Yet there was Elizabeth, going on and on about how tough he was and what a great president he would be, and he chimed in with, “See how unselfish she is?”

Life had just offered them a graceful exit and they declined.

I remember talking on the phone with Andrew off and on all day long. By this point, I was talking to Andrew all the time. I always imagined him sitting at a desk “fundraising,” which meant calling and chatting on the phone with people about his great love John Edwards, and now I had become one of many that he talked with multiple times a day. He was also always sending me press links. Andrew was elated by the news that they were staying in the race. He couldn’t understand why I would be so upset about this news. I said to Andrew, “You just don’t understand what our relationship really is.”

And he said to me, “Of course I understand.”

“No, you don’t,” I insisted.

“
Yes I do!
Why would I be sending schedules to you? Of course I know.”

This was the first time we ever talked about that fact that Johnny and I were intimate. It never got any more detailed than that. But now I knew that he knew. And that bonded us together even more.

I also talked off and on that morning with my friend Jonathan Darman about what a wild decision it was for them to stay in the race. Darman had a fascination with Johnny and the campaign, which may have been our initial bond. (I know it is what bonded me to Andrew—we were both in love with the same guy.) But unlike Andrew, Darman was also fascinated with human behavior, ego, and what makes people tick. He was interested in uncovering real behavior, as opposed to public claims of behavior, like how can a man decide that he is the one guy best qualified to run the entire country?

I really liked Jonathan Darman. He was smart, curious, and actually interesting for someone so interested in politics. I was never fully honest with Darman, meaning I never revealed my relationship with Johnny. I should have steered clear of Darman but I liked him too much, and I was curious to learn more about the media. Live and learn.

Later that night, Andrew called and told me to call Johnny at the Regency. He was there alone and wanted to talk. I called. He sounded odd and tired. He had been through a whirlwind.

“I thought you were getting out.”

“She wanted to stay in. It’s what she wants.”

“Of course.” There was nothing else for me to say. The decision had been made.

And even worse, I now believed the sickness of their dynamic was forever sealed by the cancer. How could he possibly defy Elizabeth’s wishes now that she was a dying woman? I assumed that her bullying and guilt tripping into getting her way on everything, and his folding to her every wish, was now not only never going to change but it was only going to get worse, and that, sadly, she was going to use this against him as well. Turns out I was right.

And as usual, because their dynamic had nothing do with me, nothing changed between us. Other than the fact that my anger at myself for being in love with him increased, and he was now more concerned that, because the press was all over him, it was much harder for us to see each other.

Sometime after this I remember having dinner with Mimi in New York. A friend of hers joined us. This friend, like a lot of the country, was appalled by the press conference, going on and on about Edwards trotting out old Lizzie and hanging her on the tree, using her cancer to get votes, as if it were all his ambition and she was the poor victim.

I was thinking yeah, not likely, as if he had ever stood up to her once in his life!

I had two very strong thoughts about their campaign (it was always hers as much as his). Even without the cancer, he shouldn’t have been in the race. But add the cancer on top of that? Forget the marriage, forget the race, the only question to me is: What about your kids? You know your time is limited, why wouldn’t you be spending
every possible second
with your children? That just broke my heart.

I watched their “cancer has returned” campaign tour, including Katie Couric’s interview, all from New Jersey. And I found the whole thing disgusting. Every time I saw the two of them on TV, my reaction was the same: I was disgusted with myself for being in love with him. I was also disgusted with myself for being patient with him and his inability to stand up to her and her “This is what we have been working for, we cannot stop” attitude. The real clincher for me was her saying, “I don’t want it to be my legacy to take out this good man. The country needs him.”

It was beyond irritating to me. And as usual, I could not hold on to any of my upset, disgusted feelings, especially because every time I had them, I immediately saw that they were being created by my own thoughts and judgments.

I went to DC to see him the following Thursday night. There was no press anywhere. One great thing about the media: they usually move on quickly. I remember this was the night Mimi had met a great guy in New York whom she thought should be working for Johnny. Mimi knew (from me and our days with the PAC) that Johnny was (still) not happy with the way his campaign was functioning. She called me just as I was getting to the hotel and said, “Johnny has to meet this guy Steve.” I also remember it was unseasonably warm. I had on Robert Clergerie sandals and my brown short jacket from Barneys. And the next morning, walking to Union Station, I was freezing. Johnny was staying at some odd hotel close to Union Station. It was the one and only night I was ever there. I also remember he was different to me that night, he was more comfortable with me than ever before, as if I were a wife as opposed to a girlfriend, and quite frankly I prefer the girlfriend. Why is it that when men marry, they get so comfortable with their wives? They have a tendency to take their wives for granted, killing the excitement of not knowing what could happen—that unknowingness that keeps fuel in the chemistry and the entire relationship. He was comfortable with me this night, like I was his wife, and I was not happy about this new development. Fortunately, that dynamic didn’t last long between us.

At the end of April, I flew to Seattle, one of my favorite cities. I stayed at the Westin again, the same hotel Johnny and I had stayed at in 2006 when I worked for him. I remember Mimi’s friend Steve calling me as I was out eating breakfast and enjoying the city. He met with Johnny in New York earlier in the month, and was now down in North Carolina assessing what was going on within the campaign. Steve asked me, “Have you met Andrew’s wife?”

I said “No. Why?”

He simply said, “Wait until you meet the wife.”

Steve went on to tell me that he really liked Andrew but he was also very disturbed about his behavior, specifically the way Andrew was speaking to the young female staffers. Steve told me he was blown away that nobody had already reported Andrew for sexual harassment.

Suffice it to say that after spending a few days around the campaign, Steve decided he didn’t want to have anything to do with it, claiming that he was too old for the shenanigans that were going on. After an up-close look, he believed John Edwards had gotten as far as he had on sheer talent alone, because he was surrounded by buffoons and all the talk from staffers was that his wife was a big problem, one that Steve wanted no part of. Naturally this was not news to Johnny. He knew he had big problems but how was he ever going to fix them if he couldn’t get anyone in there to run his campaign properly?

I returned early that evening to find, once again, a Johnny-and-Elizabeth fight that had been very bad. During this one, Johnny threw his phone against the wall and broke it, which he was happy about given she now had no way to contact him.

The last morning in Seattle, Johnny had already left to go to a meeting somewhere else in the hotel, and as I was blow-drying my hair, a room service guy with food kept knocking on the door. My heart was beating fast. The phone started ringing. I didn’t answer. The guy started banging on the door again. I told him through the door he had the wrong room. He left. I was freaked out and wanted out of there fast.