Realize that some friends and family may not know what to do or say. Some may be so uncomfortable that they withdraw during the mourning period. Others may say things that hurt more than help: “I know just how you feel,” or “Oh, you can have another baby,” or “It’s a good thing the baby died before you became attached to it.” Though they certainly mean well, they may not understand that no one who hasn’t lost a baby can know how it feels, that another baby can never take the place of the one you lost, or that parents can become attached to a baby long before birth. If you’re hearing such comments frequently, ask a close friend or relative to explain your feelings and to let others know that you would rather they just say they are sorry about your loss.
Look for support from those who’ve been there. Like many other parents, you may derive strength from joining a support group for parents who have lost infants. There are support groups online, too, that may offer some solace. (Try compassionatefriends.org or missingangel.org.) But try not to let such a group become a way of holding on to—rather than letting go of—your grief. If after a year you’re still having problems coming to terms with your loss (sooner, if you’re having trouble functioning), seek individual therapy.
Take care of yourself. In the face of so much emotional pain, your physical needs may be the last thing on your mind. They shouldn’t be. Eating right, getting enough sleep, and exercising are vital not just in maintaining your health but also in aiding your recovery. Make a conscious effort to sit down for meals, even if you’re not feeling very much like eating. Take a warm bath or do some relaxation exercises to help you unwind before bed, so you’ll sleep better at night. Try to build some physical activity into your day, even if it’s just a walk before dinner. And let yourself take a break from grieving once in a while. See a movie, accept an invitation to visit friends, take a weekend in the country—and enjoy yourself without feeling guilty. For life to go on, after all, you need to go on living.
Remember your baby as privately or publicly as you need to. When it comes to a memorial service, do whatever feels right to you. That might be a completely private ceremony—which allows you and your spouse to share your feelings alone—or one that surrounds you with the love and support of family, friends, and community.
Honor your child’s memory in a way that has meaning to you, if that helps. Buy books for a child care center that serves kids in need, or donate to an organization that helps disadvantaged expectant and new moms; plant a tree or a new flower bed in your backyard or in a local park.
Turn to religion, if you find it comforting. For some grieving parents, faith is a great solace.
Do become pregnant again, if that’s what you want—but not in an effort to feel better or to replace the child you’ve lost. It’s best to wait until the period of deepest sorrow has passed before contemplating conceiving again. See
page 586
for more.
Expect your pain to lessen over time. At first, there will be only bad days, then a few good days mixed in; eventually, there will be more good days than bad. But be prepared for the possibility that remnants of the pain may last a lot longer. The grieving process, which may include nightmares and fleeting but painful flashbacks, is often not fully completed for as long as two years, but the worst is usually over three to six months after the loss. If after six to nine months your grief remains the center of your life, if you’re having trouble functioning or focusing, or have little interest in anything else, seek help. Also seek help if, from the beginning, you haven’t been able to grieve at all. And remember that postpartum depression can cloud the healing process, too; see
page 579
.
Recognize that guilt can unnecessarily compound grief and make adjusting to a loss more difficult. If you feel that the loss of your baby was your punishment for having been ambivalent about your pregnancy, or for lacking the nurturing or other qualities necessary for motherhood, or for any other reason, seek professional support to help you understand that you are in no way responsible for your loss. Seek help, too, if you’ve suffered self-doubts in the past and now believe your doubts have been confirmed (you couldn’t produce a live baby). If you feel guilty even thinking about getting your life back to normal because you sense it would be disloyal to the child you’ve lost, it may help to ask your baby, in spirit, for forgiveness or for permission to enjoy life again. You might try doing it in a “letter,” in which you express all your feelings, hopes, and dreams.
Sometimes, organ donation may be possible when a baby is born alive and with some functioning organs but has a hopeless prognosis. The possibility of helping another baby live may bring some comfort in that case.