You may feel that you’re alone in your pain. Getting support from others who know what you’re going through can help more than you can imagine. Find that support in a local support group or online. You can contact Centers for Loss in Multiple Births (CLIMB), at
climb-support.org
.
Stages of Grief
Whether the loss of a baby comes early in pregnancy, near term, or at delivery, you’ll likely experience many feelings and reactions. Though you can’t wish them away, understanding them will eventually help you come to terms with your loss. Many people who suffer a loss go through a number of steps on their road to emotional healing. These steps are common, though the order in which the first three occur may vary; so, too, may the feelings you experience.
Shock and denial. There may be numbness and disbelief, the feeling that “this couldn’t have happened to me.” This is a mental mechanism designed to protect your psyche from the trauma of the loss.
Guilt and anger. Desperate to pin the blame for such a senseless tragedy on something, you may blame it on yourself (“I must have done something wrong to cause the miscarriage” or “If I’d been happier about the pregnancy, the baby would still be alive”). Or you may blame others—God, for letting this happen, or your practitioner (even if there is no reason to). You may feel resentful and envious of those around you who are pregnant or who are parents, and even have fleeting feelings of hatred for them.
Depression and despair. You may find yourself feeling sad most or all of the time, crying constantly, unable to eat, sleep, be interested in anything, or otherwise function. You may also wonder if you’ll never be able to have a healthy baby.
Acceptance. Finally, you’ll come to terms with the loss. Keep in mind that this doesn’t mean you’ll forget the loss—just that you’ll be able to accept it and get back to the business of life.
No matter what you’re feeling—and given your situation, your feelings may be all over the emotional map—give yourself time. Chances are that you’ll feel progressively better—and better about feeling better.
Trying Again
Making the decision to try again for a new pregnancy—and a new baby—after a loss isn’t always easy, and definitely is not as easy as those around you might think. It’s an intensely personal decision, and it can also be a painful one. Here are some things that you might want to consider when deciding when—and if—you try again:
Trying again for another baby after losing one (or more) takes courage. Give yourself the credit you deserve—and the pat on the back you need—as you embark on this process.
The right time is the time that’s right for you. It may take just a short time for you to feel emotionally ready to try for another baby—or it may take a much longer time. Don’t push yourself (or let others push you) into trying too soon. And don’t second-guess yourself (or paralyze yourself) into waiting longer than you have to. Listen to your heart, and you’ll know when you’re emotionally healed and when you’re ready to contemplate a new pregnancy.
You’ll need to be physically ready, too. Check with your practitioner to see whether a waiting period will be necessary in your case. Often, you can try as soon as you feel up to it (and as soon as your cycle begins cooperating). If there’s a reason why you have to wait longer than you want to (as may be the case after a molar pregnancy), use the time to get yourself into the best physical condition possible for conception (see Chapter 1), if you’re not already.
A new pregnancy may be less innocent. Now you know that not all pregnancies end happily, which means you probably won’t take anything about your new pregnancy for granted. You may feel more nervous than you did the first time, especially until you’ve passed the anniversary of the week you lost your last pregnancy (and if you lost your baby at or just before or after birth, you may worry more the entire time). You may try to keep your excitement in check, and you may find that your joy is tempered by trepidation—so much so that you may even hesitate to attach yourself to your new baby until that fear of loving and losing again has dissipated. You may be extra-attuned to every pregnancy symptom: the ones that give you hope (swollen breasts, morning sickness, those frequent runs to the bathroom) and those that trigger anxiety (those pelvic twinges, those crampy feelings). All of this is completely understandable and completely normal, as you’ll find out if you reach out to others who’ve carried a new pregnancy to term after experiencing a loss. Just make sure that if these kinds of feelings keep you from nurturing and nourishing your new pregnancy, you quickly get some help working them out.
Looking forward to the ultimate reward—that baby you’re so anxious to cuddle—instead of looking back on your loss will help you stay positive. Remember, the vast majority of women who have experienced a pregnancy loss or the loss of a baby go on to have completely normal pregnancies and completely healthy babies.
Index
Abdomen
achy,
137
,
239
contractions in, see Contractions
cramps in, see Cramps
enlarging,
182