When He Cheatin' and You Still Love Him (14 page)

*****

Brittany made good on her threat to call the police, because two squad cars showed up about ten minutes later. Right before they pulled up, Terry knocked on the door and begged me to let him in, but I refused. I sat inside the house, peeping out of the window as the police spoke to both Brittany and Terry. One of the officers even knocked on the door, but again I refused to open it. I figured I didn’t have to, because I hadn’t done anything wrong. By then a few of my neighbors had come outside. As I witnessed it all, all I could do was shake my head, because you have to be one nosy muthafucka to come outside with an umbrella in the pouring rain just to see what was going on. A few of them just watched, while others gave details of what they saw from either their windows or doors. Apparently, most of their stories must have matched Brittany’s, because it didn’t take long for the police to put handcuffs on Terry’s wrists and place him in the back of the squad car.

From what I was able to hear, the officer advised Terry that he was going to be charged with domestic violence for hitting Brittany. They didn’t care anything about the fact that she had damaged his property right in front of his house. As much as Terry tried to let them know that he was only defending himself, they paid him no mind. To them, he was just a black man who couldn’t keep his hands to himself. It’s crazy because as many times that Terry has beaten my ass over the years, I’ve never put the law in our business. One, I never wanted him to go to jail, and two was because I knew that I wasn’t going to leave him, so what really would have been the point? Now the one time that he has put his hands on someone else, they lock his ass up. I guess that’s his karma coming back to bite him in the ass.

I watched out of the window as the ambulance pulled up and tended to Brittany. I’m not sure what she was saying, but from where I was standing, it looked like she was putting on one hell of a show. From walking around with her hand on the spot where she was hit, to holding on to her back as she walked, as if she was a woman about to give birth any day. Now I’m not sure how far along she was, but just by looking at her, I could tell that she wasn’t more than a few weeks. So to see her cutting up outside had me both pissed and amused, because this was the bitch that Terry chose to fuck up his life for.

After the EMT’s cleared Brittany to go, she walked back to her car and was preparing to climb into the driver’s seat, when she stopped and looked my way. I’m not sure just how she knew exactly where I was standing, but our eyes locked; she smirked and winked her eye. That corny shit right there made my blood boil and I instantly regretted not getting in her ass while I had the chance. No sooner than she pulled off, the police cruiser carrying Terry drove away as well. As soon as they were out of sight, I broke down and cried hard. It’s a good thing that Kendrick was with Naomi for the weekend, because I’m sure that all of the ruckus would have surely woken him up.

As soon as Terry was booked, he used his one free call to reach out to me. When I answered the phone and heard his voice on the other end, I hung up. I didn’t even give him a chance to explain, because I already knew that he was going to attempt to feed me nothing but lies, and I didn’t want to deal with him at all. There was nothing for us to talk about. He made his bed and he was now going to lie in it. I’d be damned if I went down there and bailed him out for hitting his fucking pregnant mistress. Yeah, that shit wasn’t going to happen. Plus I knew the shit that Brittany was saying was the truth, because Terry has said some of the same things to other women before.

He tells them that we are not together, and that he uses me for money. Why, I don’t know, but apparently he says these things. Each of them I’ve heard numerous times before, and each time Terry swears that they are all lies. Well I know that there aren’t that many damn lies in the world. He’s saying that shit to these hoes, and they are sucking it all up. I don’t know about you, but if a man is living with a woman, no matter what he claims the situation is, you are dumb for believing that nothing is happening. There is no way in hell that a man will live with a woman and they ain’t fucking. If you’re in a situation like this, and actually believe the guys lies, I’m sorry to be the one to tell you that you really need a reality check.

Also, if you allow a man to be with you both mentally and physically who says that he’s only using another woman for money, you my friend are a damn fool, because that would make a man look weak in my eyes. Any man who needs a woman’s money, and can’t stand on his own two feet, isn’t a man at all. Because of this, I fault the woman that he cheats with as well, because they are all dummies.

Now I’m not too smart myself, because I know that Terry is saying these things to these women, yet I stick around. I continue to allow him to step out of our relationship and fuck other women; like I said, I’m afraid to be alone. I guess I’m also afraid to lose, even though I can’t really see what I would be losing. I’m constantly finding out about other bitches, yet I don’t do anything about it. Well, I’m no longer afraid. I’d rather be alone than to deal with shit like this. I’d rather sleep in bed alone every single night, than to wonder what my man is doing when he’s not lying there beside me. This shit is exhausting and I’m just tired of being tired.

I’m calling it quits, and as soon as they release Terry from jail, I want him to come and get his shit out of my house. That way he can be free to do what he chooses. He will be able to finally speak the truth when he tells these hoes that we are not together. I mean it, I’m finished. I don’t want to do this back and forth shit anymore. I don’t want to cry. I don’t want to feel like shit for staying with a man who can’t love me even half as much as I love him. I don’t want to feel self-conscience when we’re out in public, because I think that every chick we see is laughing at me, because she knows that my man isn’t faithful.

I’m done.

Just thinking about leaving Terry alone has me almost to the point of hyperventilating. My chest is tight and it’s hard for me to breathe. Here I am heartbroken and about ready to pass the fuck out, and my man has been not only having his cake, but eating the shit out of it to. Then he went and got the bitch pregnant. I refuse to deal with another baby mother, and child. I can’t deal with another Katrina situation. Just thinking about female carrying my man’s child, and isn’t me, makes me sick to my stomach. Oh no, I cannot and will not be Terry’s fool for any longer. This needs to be done.

Climbing out of my bed, I head downstairs and retrieve the box of garbage bags and bring them back up to my room. With tears rolling down my face, I grab everything of Terry’s that I see. One by one I fill each of the black bags with his belongings, which is something that I’ve never done before. Even though I swore that I was done with him, it never got to the point of him actually moving out. I toss in everything from his clothes, to his toiletries. When I’m finished putting the last of his shoes inside one, I look around and see that there are close to ten bags sitting in my room. After lugging them all into the hallway, I run me a hot bath because I’m exhausted.

As I sit in this tub, all I can think about is how much time I’ve wasted. All the years I’ve given, and for what? To turn around and walk away after Terry has done something that he’s done numerous times? Like I said before, I should have left in the beginning. Maybe if I did, I wouldn’t feel so horrible now. This shit hurts my heart.

I know you’re probably reading this book and judging me for being “weak”, but I’m sure you’ve been here before. As a matter of fact you’re probably here right now. While I’m crying and heartbroken about my man fucking around, you’re probably wondering where yours is at this moment. If you’re lucky he’s at work, and not laid up over some bitch’s house. It’s not like you would admit it anyway. Instead you’ll continue to play as if everything is perfect, knowing damn well it ain’t. So you can judge me all you want. I may be dumb, but at least I’m not blind and live my life in denial.

Terry has treated me like shit for the last time and I’m walking away. That doesn’t make me love him any less. You can’t turn off love like a faucet. I know this is going to be a process, and even though I’m terrified, I’m making a stand to move on. I just hope Terry is ready to let me go. I don’t know what I’ll do if he decides to fight hard for what we have.

Chapter 18

Shanair

“Shanair, it’s Terry again. Call me when you get a chance. It’s important and I really—” I quickly press the seven digit, not even bothering to hear the rest of the message.

Your message has been deleted.

That was about the hundredth voicemail that Terry has left for me in a little over a month. This one will be just like the other ninety-nine, and will not be returned.  He’s called and said just about everything. It’s either that he missed me or that it’s something very important that he needs to talk to me about. I swear each time he calls the messages seem more urgent, but I know that it’s because he wants me to call him back. I have yet to do that though, because I know Terry. He will get me on the phone under false pretenses, only to work his way back in to my good graces. I’m not that strong yet, and because of this, I refuse to speak to him at all. In fact I haven’t spoken to him since the day he came to pick up his things.

It was a few days after he was arrested. I’m not sure if the charges were dropped or he bonded out; either way, I never asked. I still don’t know how he got here, but when he knocked on the door I didn’t even bother to open it; instead I let up the garage where I had stored all of his bags. Terry looked at me like I was crazy, when I told him that I was done fucking with him. It was right before I handed him his keys –minus my house key of course—and told him to get the fuck on. I originally had plans to let him come home to the locks being changed, but when I realized that he had left his keys behind hanging on the hook in the kitchen, I figured there was no point in wasting money.

At first Terry begged me not to leave him, but when he saw that his pleas fell on death ears his begging immediately turned to anger. He called me every name in the book as he carried each of his bags one by one to his car. I ignored his rants, choosing to not saying a word, because in my mind it was pointless. I wasn’t going to feed into his nonsense, because by then I was kind of at peace about the issue. It wasn’t until he got to the final bag when he threated to beat my ass that I finally responded. I let his ass know that if he put his hands on me, he would be carted right back to jail, because I refused to allow him to hit me again. I wasn’t his punching bag, and I’d be damned if he hit me but wouldn’t hit the “side-bitch”. Oh no, that shit wasn’t going to fly. Apparently he knew I wasn’t bullshitting, because soon after he hopped in his car and drove his monkey ass off. That was close to five weeks ago, and I haven’t spoken to him at all since. 

You may have thought I was bullshitting, but I said I wasn’t messing with him anymore. I meant what the fuck I said and that’s that we don’t have shit else to talk about. That day as I sat in the bathtub, I made a vow to start loving myself more, and I can’t possibly do that with Terry around. Nah, I have plans to keep that vow. You just watch and see.

*****

“Mommy, can I have some bananas?” Kendrick asks with a snaggletooth smile.

He’s been smiling a lot since his second front tooth came out the other day. I wasn’t sure what it was all about at first, until I found out that some fast tail girl in his class told him that it made him look cuter. I guess it’s safe to say that he believes her, because I can’t get the smile off his face if I tried.

“You sure can baby. Only grab about two or three of them, because last time they ended up getting thrown in the trash,” I tell him.

“Okay.”

While Kendrick runs over to the banana bin, I push my cart over to the heads of lettuce. I’m so focused on watching him that I don’t even notice I’m about to hit someone, until I’m running over their feet.

“Oh my God, I’m so sor—” My voice is halted when I look up and realized who I’m talking to.

“It’s okay,” he smiled. “How have you been Nair?”

I swallow the lump in my throat before responding.

“I’ve been okay. How have you been Terry?” I ask, although I really don’t want to know. What I want to do is grab my son, and run out of the store.

“I’ve been alright.” Terry drops his eyes and brings them up my body slowly. “You look good.”

“Thank you,” I reply stepping back behind the cart.

“I’ve been calling you.”

“I know,” I answer, not really wanting to talk about it.

My heart is beating rapidly in my chest, and my hands are sweaty. As I watch him staring at me lustfully, I know that I have to get away from him or else I will be in trouble. Terry looks good, real good. Shit, good enough to eat. Just looking at him standing there in a pair of basketball shorts, is making my pussy jump. His toned arms and muscular chest are filling out the snug wife beater that he’s wearing. I shake my head from side to side, trying to rid the nasty thoughts that are bouncing around in my head, because I have to be strong. I don’t know what kind of hold this man still has on me, because it’s a dangerous one.

“Why haven’t you returned my ca—”

“I got my three mommy,” Kendrick runs with the bananas in his hand, saving me from a conversation that I didn’t want to have. “Oh, hey Terry, where have you been?”

As soon as the words leave his lips, I wish that I would have told my son more about mine and Terry’s break up. I didn’t really know what to say, so when Kendrick came home and asked me about Terry, I just said, “He’s going to be gone for a while,” hoping that after a few weeks he would forget about him. Yeah, I knew that shit wasn’t going to fly, but that was all I could come up with at the time. Now it’s coming back to bite me in the ass.

“What’s up little man?” Terry responds. “I’ve been out and about, you know, handling things. What have you been up to?”

“You know school and stuff like that,” Kendrick answers while attempting to sound grown.

Terry laughs, “Are you keeping your grades up?”

“Yep, I just got my report card a few days ago, and I got five A’s and three B’s,” Kendrick bragged, smiling again.

“That’s what’s up!” Terry reached into his pocket. “How much did I tell you I’ll give you for each A?”

“Ten dollars,” Kendrick answered with a smile.

“And how much did I say for B’s?” Terry asked smiling himself.

“Five dollars,” Kendrick answered.

“So how much do I owe you?”

Terry and I both stood silent while Kendrick calculated the math in his head. A few seconds later his eyes damn near popped out of his head when he realized how much money he was going to get.

“I know!” Kendrick yelled, causing a few of the people around us to look our way.

“Kendrick,” I eyed him, reminding him with only a look to lower his voice.

“I’m sorry mommy,” he apologized, before directing his eyes back on Terry. “Sixty-five dollars.”

“That’s right. Here’s your sixty-five dollars.” Terry handed over the money.

“Thank you Terry,” Kendrick said, taking the money and stuffing it into his pocket.

“You know you’re always welcome little man. Just keep getting those good grades, alright?”

“Yes,” Kendrick told him, before turning to me. “Mommy, can we go to Chuck E Cheese today?”

“Yes, I will take you to Chuck E Cheese,” I smiled, because I love to see my son happy.

“Can Terry come?”

“Umm,” I stalled feeling uncomfortable. “I’m sure Terry has other things to do today.”

“Actually I don’t,” he answered.
Sneaky asshole,
I thought as he smirked. “I’m free for the rest of the day.”

“Yayyyy!” Kendrick jumped up and down with his hands in the air.

“Well it’s settled, we are all going to Chuck E Cheese today,” Terry said.

I rolled my eyes. “I guess we are,” I mumble, not believing that I’ve allowed this shit to happen.

“I’ll pick y’all up at six, is that okay little man?”

“Six is perfect,” Kendrick responded.

“I’ll see you later,” Terry told me.

I don’t reply, instead I push my cart away wondering how the hell I’m going to pull this off.

*****

Lying in my bed, I roll onto my side and stare at the wall in deep thought. A single tear rolls from my eye and down onto my pillow beneath my head. My emotions are all over the place right now. I’m not sure what to think, what to do, or who to blame for what has transpired. Everything was all good just a few days ago. I was at peace, and although Terry crossed my mind every other day, I knew what I had to do. He was more of an afterthought then, or maybe a pleasant memory. I was just getting him out of my system, only to run into him at the grocery store.  If that wasn’t bad enough, Kendrick inviting him out with us was just too much. I should have said no, or made up some other excuse.

I feel my bed sink as Terry scoots closer. When he’s close enough he places his arm around me and gently begins to massage on of my breasts. Even though I don’t want to, I shiver from his touch because it feels so good. After allowing him to pull me closer I close my eyes when he tightens his hold on me. I release a moan, and mentally admit that this is a feeling that I’ve missed this past month. 

How did I get back here?

The bad part is that I know exactly how it happened. It all started at Chuck E Cheese. When we got there, Terry told Kendrick that he could keep his money for his grades, and instead he paid for everything. While we were there he acted like the perfect father figure. Now don’t get me wrong, Terry has always showed Kendrick love and treated him like he was his son, but since he had been running in the streets these last few months, things started to change. So to see him in Chuck E Cheese acting like his old self really warmed my heart. 

Together they played every game that Kendrick wanted to play, and my baby loved it. So much so that he barely paid me any mind. Because of this, I sat at one of the tables and played on my iPad, while they had fun. I was able to catch up on some reading, so that was fine by me. Once the festivities were over and it was time to go, Terry got Kendrick everything what he wanted from the little store in front, even though he didn’t have enough tickets to pay for it all. That really brought a smile on Kendrick’s face. The whole drive back all he could talk about was how much fun he had, and how he can’t wait to go back. By the time we pulled up to my house, the once excited and talkative Kendrick was out like a light. Terry hopped out and carried him into the house while I stayed behind and collected all of his toys from the backseat.

By the time I made it upstairs, Terry had already undressed Kendrick and tucked him into bed. I thanked him, and followed him back down the stairs preparing to tell him goodbye. It was then that Terry broke down and told me how much he missed me and Kendrick. At first I sat stone faced, but it didn’t take long for me to start crying too. It bothered me to see the man that I loved hurting, and just like always I was willing to do anything to fix it. One thing led to another, and before I knew it, we were having hot and sweaty make-up sex on the living room floor.

Over the last week we’ve done it a few more times, and right now I don’t know what to say or how to feel. Since Terry’s been here neither of us has brought up Brittany or the baby, and even though it’s killing me not to ask I know that it’s probably for the best. My doctor says that I should keep my stress level to a minimum and that’s exactly what I’ve been trying to do for the last few weeks. It’s hard though when you have so much going on. I can honestly say that I have a lot on my plate. There’s work, Kendrick, and my mom, who seems to getting worse every time I go see her. Add in the fact that Terry is dead set on making this work, and you would see why my mind is all over the place.

Terry’s hand slid down my body and stop on my stomach. My heart beat races, and I begin to wonder if he knows. Not knowing what else to do, I discreetly place my hand on top of his and guide him back up toward my chest. Just to make sure it doesn’t happen again, I intertwine my fingers with his to hold them in place. I’m not sure just how long I can keep the fact that I’m pregnant from him, but at almost three months with a growing bump, it’s becoming harder and harder to do. Since I’m not sure exactly what will happen between the two of us, I think I’ll keep it to myself just a little bit longer.

“You okay baby?” Terry whispers in my ear.

“I’m okay,” I reply. 

“Good. I love you,” he says, before placing a single kiss on the back of my neck.

“I love you too,” I respond, hating that I mean it so much.

To be continued…