Authors: Glenna Maynard
“Part of the job, right?” I scoff wiping my chin.
He frowns and extends his hand to help me up. I take his offered kindness and I am the first to see Joey. Gertie is on the phone calling in family. And Cass insists that I go in first. She is clinging to the same hope as me, that he will fight for me...for us.
The curtains are drawn, shielding anyone passing by ICU from seeing through the windows of his room. The different machines keeping him with me hum and beep, as his chest rises and falls.
“I’ll just go clean my shoes,” Dr. Redding, excuses himself.
I approach Joey slowly; afraid the slightest movement may bring him harm. His face is wrapped in gauze. I can only see his lips, nostrils, and bruised eyelids.
“Oh God,” I whisper, palm against my mouth. My tears fall like a steady rain as I stand by his bedside. There are so many tubes and wires. His arm is swollen; it’s so much larger than I remember. The color of his bruised hand is all wrong. This isn’t the man who was making love to me this morning. What was only a few hours ago now seeming like ten lifetimes ago.
Sensing someone behind me, I turn to see a nurse. “You can touch him, but he probably can’t feel it. He’s been given a lot of medication. But they say talking helps.” She smiles weakly, coming over and checking the readings on the monitors. She’s young, pretty even. I’m glad a pretty warm face is taking care of him. If he were awake, I’d be teasing him right now that he only got in here to fulfill his hot nurse fantasy.
“Joey, can you hear me,” I speak softly to him as if my words could injure him further. “It isn’t supposed to be this way,” I whisper talking to myself more than anyone. “It’s not fucking fair Joey! You are the best man I have ever known and I need you. You can’t leave me, you can’t give up on me, damn it.” I cry quietly, wiping my tears on the hem of my shirt.
I brush my thumb over his knuckles afraid to touch him, but wishing like hell I could crawl in the bed with him, and lay my head against his chest. I wish he’d wrap his arms around me and tell me this is all a dream, that he is still here, and he loves me most.
But staring at him, I can’t feel him. I can’t explain it really, but he isn’t here in this room...in this body.
Joey’s gone and he’s not coming back.
He will never propose.
I’ll never have his baby.
It’s not fair!
I slump over him as I wail.
Later on, when I am all cried out, a hand touches my back, and for one fleeting moment I could swear its Joey. But in my heart of hearts I know it isn’t. Lewis.
“Cass and Gertie want to see him. Big Joe will be here soon. Let’s go to the chapel.”
I nod, but I know my prayers won’t be heard.
I can’t bear to meet Cassie’s eyes as I pass by her in the hall. I want to lunge at her, and hit her so fucking hard but I don’t. But God do I just want to hit something...someone.
Two months later...
“I mean look at her,” Lewis says. “She is just so...”
“Sad,” I finish for him.
Audrey is on stage her head is hanging from the floor upside down as she belts out Bohemian Rhapsody, “Nothing...matters.”
She begins to howl like a dying cat and then screams, “Eat me all of you, you’re all zombies.” Then she drops the Mic and passes out. Lovely.
“You know I love our girl, but she’s hurting the business. She is running off what little customers we get out the door.” He motions dramatically to the group shaking their heads as they walk out the door.
“I know, but it’s only been two months.” I wish I could help her. We all miss him, but it’s different for us. He was planning to propose the day he died, and I just had to open my mouth for Audrey to hear. I had to open my mouth, and start a fight with my brother, and he had to go and get killed. I hate him so much for putting that on my shoulders. I mean, I know he didn’t knowingly walk into the street knowing he was going to die, but it’s easier to be angry with him. He isn’t here to tell me I’m wrong.
“I just want things back the way they were you know,” Lewis says squeezing my shoulder. “I’ll get her upstairs.”
I grab his hand. “I don’t know what we’d do without you.”
“I love you too Cass.”
I watch Lewis and Freddie try to pick her up. Audrey breaks my heart. Her head lolls to the side as Lewis cradles her in his embrace like a child. Freddie walks ahead of him opening the doors for him. It’s a familiar sight. We go through this routine a few nights a week.
Some days are better than others. She seems to do better when Ma is here, but I think it is only because Ma scares her. She doesn’t take any shit, and won’t put up with Audrey’s shenanigans and pity parties. She puts Audrey in her place but she also calls to check on her often. I think Ma cares for Audrey more than she likes to admit.
They have a love/hate relationship, like most mothers and daughters. I think Audrey has grown to count on her too. She doesn’t have any family here, but us.
“Sasha go ahead and start closing out your drawer. Freddie can help you lock up tonight.”
She nods and I go into the office to call Ma.
“Hey Ma, you heard from Cam yet?”
My other brother is due home any minute now. I am picking him up from the train station whenever he gets in. His phone kept cutting out and I didn’t catch his arrival time. I have missed him so damn much. He wasn’t able to make it home for the funeral. I know it hurt him to not be here. He needed to stay where he was though.
“Yeah, he should be getting in around 10 AM. You sure you want to pick him up. Dad and me are anxious to wrap our arms around him. It’s been too long.”
“Yeah, I want to talk to him about Joe and things first. Twin stuff.” I smile faintly. Cameron, my other half. Part of me has been missing since he enlisted.
“Okay, drive safe and come straight here after your talk.”
“Love you Ma.”
“Love you too baby girl. How’s Audrey?”
“The same, worse. I don’t know Ma—I worry about her. She loved Joe so much. I wish...”
“I know you do,” she cuts me off. “Can’t go back. We can only move forward. Now I know she’s your friend. I know I haven’t been Audrey’s biggest fan, and I know she’s hurting, but I don’t want her ruining Cameron’s coming home party,” she gripes. “She needs to get her shit together.”
“Yeah Ma, I know. I’ll handle it.”
I groan after we hang up. No one can handle Audrey. She’s a free spirit, who loves hard and hurts deep. We all hurt, we all miss Joe and wish he were here, but no one more so than Audrey.
I am afraid of what seeing Cam will do to her. He’s my twin, but him and Joe looked so much alike. More than we ever did. I’ll prepare her for seeing him in the morning. She’s seen pictures, but seeing him in person is something else.
Coming home is nothing like I was expecting. I thought I would be getting to have a beer with my brother, but life had other plans. I always thought I’d be the one to die. Joe was the smart one growing up. He did everything he was supposed to while I was always getting into trouble. He talked me in to enlisting. Said it would give me the discipline I needed and save Ma from a broken heart. I just knew that one day out on patrol I’d drive over a IED and lose a limb or get blown to pieces. I have seen it happen enough times. I’ve witnessed a lot of bad shit I wish I could forget. Dead babies, fallen soldiers. I shake my head and try not to think about the visions that keep me from getting any sleep.
I don’t know what made me think catching a train home was a good idea. Every screech has me gripping the edge of my leather seat and gritting my teeth, while praying I don’t freak the fuck out. I was officially diagnosed with PTSD before I was discharged and put on medication to help me cope with life. But I hate taking that shit, it makes me feel like a Goddamn zombie. However, I shake out a few pills into my palm and toss them down my throat so I can make it home without an incident.
The train finally comes to a stop. I grab my duffel bag and step onto the platform where my twin sister Cassie is waiting for me. First she smiles and then she cries before wrapping her arms around me. “Welcome home Cam.” Her hair gets tangled in my dog tags and she giggles.
“Cass,” I choke out needing her hug more than she knows. Being home is bittersweet. Joe should be here too. I can’t believe he’s really gone. His death still hasn’t actually hit me. I keep waiting for him to jog across the platform and make a wise crack about my buzz cut. Telling me my ears stick out too much.
“Come on let’s get out of here.” Cass wipes at her eyes and her nose.
“I figured we could run by the bar and I can show you your apartment. Maybe introduce you to Audrey and the crew. Ya know before Ma gets a hold of ya.”
“Sure, sounds good.”
I follow Cass to her Toyota. I can’t wait to get back on my bike. I haven’t driven it in two years. Every time I would get set to come home, something would come up, and it would make more sense for me to wait. And now it’s too late and my brother is gone. We lost three years that we won’t get to make up. I missed our grandfather’s funeral and now I missed out saying goodbye to my brother, my best friend. I want to see the place that I am to call home, but I don’t know how I am going to deal not having Joe around. Sure I’ve been away while I was enlisted and serving my tour of duty, but this is Clemons, where I grew up, with my brother by my side.
The drive to the bar goes quickly. The front windows are tinted lightly to allow privacy. The brick has been painted black and the gold sign out front really stands out.
A few potted plants decorate the side patio. A sense of pride washes over me. Joe and Cassie really fixed this place up and made it look classy.
Inside, a brunette with hot legs is leaning across the bar and eating the fruit from the bar. She sees me staring and her face turns pale. The strawberry she was just devouring hits the bar top and her mouth hangs open. I don’t know whether to be insulted or flattered. I keep looking to her, something about her is so familiar, but I don’t know why.
Cassie comes in behind me and nudges me in the rib. “Audrey come meet Cam.”
Fuck
, the hottie is my brother’s girl. I should have known by the way he talked about her in his emails.
Audrey picks her jaw up and waves awkwardly, and then it hits me how much I must look like Joe to her even though my hair is different from his.
Suddenly I want that beer I wanted to have with Joe.
“I can’t,” Audrey whispers and runs to the kitchen.
“She’s having a really hard time,” Cassie offers as explanation.
“We all are Cass!” I snap at her making an excuse for Audrey. She doesn’t need one. I know it must fucking hurt to see my face.
I help myself to a beer. My sister starts to comment and I give her the stink eye to shut her up. I can have a goddamn beer before noon if I want to. Pinching the bridge of my nose, I take up the stool at the end of the bar.
“Sweet mother of a ghost.” Lewis crosses his chest and kisses my cheek. “Been a while handsome.”
“Long time no see man.” I down the rest of my beer.
“Guess your mug showing up explains why Audrey is in the cooler having a panic attack.”
“Damn it Lewis, is she okay?” Cassie squawks.
“On the verge of slitting her wrists like every other day.”
“I’ll go check on her. Sooner she gets used to my face the better things will be I guess,” I say starting to get up.
“Let me go.” Cass shoves around me. “Lewis can show you upstairs to your apartment.”
“Looks like I get you all to myself sweet thing.” He flashes his trademark dimpled smile at me.
“Lewis, we both know there isn’t a damn thing about me that’s sweet.” I chuckle as we head out the front door and around the side of the building to the apartment entrance.
Lewis hands me a set of keys. “The red one unlocks the stairwell, the blue one is for the bar, and the green one is for your apartment. Cassie has the apartment on the right and you are next to Audrey on the left and share the balcony with her. Cass said the walls were too thin and you weren’t here to argue.” He giggles.
“Right.” I roll my eyes and run my hand over my head.
I take the keys and Lewis returns to the bar to finish opening for the lunch crowd.
My apartment is bare other than a couch and appliances. It’s all I need for now. I know Ma will want me to stay with her, but with the way I sleep, or the way I don’t sleep I should say, I’d feel better being here. But first, I need to get my motorcycle. It’s in the garage at my parent’s house. I can’t wait to get out on the road and clear my head.
I keep seeing Audrey’s hurt expression in my head. What can I do though? I can’t change my face. I go to lock up and head downstairs when I hear her sobs melting through my wall.
I hate to hear a woman cry, it triggers feelings and memories I don’t want to think of. My hands start to shake, I have to grip the kitchen counter and take a deep breath. My mind flashes to a year ago.
I’m doing door to door checks for members of al-Qaeda. Dario Erol is believed to be in this poor farming village. Kicking in the door I am met by a woman with a newborn clinging to her breast. She’s crying and shoving the baby into my arms saying she doesn’t have milk to feed him. Checking her home while holding her baby wasn’t at the top of my list, but she refused to take him back. His cry was weak, hungry. I knew he was going to die, and there was nothing I could do for either of them.
A loud crash snaps me out of the past. Audrey, Joe’s girl. Sounds like she’s breaking plates.
I don’t know what to do, I’m afraid of setting her off more. I hesitate unsure of what to do. I don’t know if I can handle her mental breakdown while trying to keep from having one of my own.
Cassie saves me from the burden of decision when she knocks lightly and asks if I am ready to head over to see Ma.
I take a deep breath and scrub my hands over my face. “Yeah,” I call out, hoping my voice holds.