When the Heather Blooms (11 page)

‘You've seen how good Josh is with children, even with wee Molly,' she said at last. ‘He deserves a family of his own.'

‘So? What's stopping him having a family – with you as their mama? You love children, Charlotte. I've seen the look on your face when you cuddle Molly, and I've seen how patient you are at playing games with Mimi and Lachie.'

‘Josh knows I shall never have children. He knows I shall never marry,' Charlotte said in a rush.

‘Never marry? Oh, Charlotte, you can't mean that.'

‘I do, and your Uncle Josh knows that's how I feel. I-I keep expecting that he will find someone to be his wife and to give him children and then …'

‘But he never looks at anyone else. What makes you say you will never marry?' Libby asked in bewilderment.

‘Because – because I couldn't bear to treat Josh as my mother treated my father, and … and drive him into the arms of another woman. I-I would rather have the friendship we have now. I could never risk spoiling that.'

‘But you do love Uncle Josh?'

‘Love?' Charlotte echoed. ‘How do I know what love is? I've never known love, not even from my own mother.' She was speaking quickly, a swift torrent of words which took Libby by surprise and kept her silent. ‘How could I be sure that what I feel for Josh is love? How do I know I could endure all the – the painful intimacies a wife is supposed to endure to give a man pleasure and keep him loyal? What if I'm like my mother? She never allowed my father back into her bed after she had me. She told me so. Could he be blamed for finding his pleasure with Billy's mother?'

‘No, no, Charlotte. Don't get upset,' Libby said as Charlotte stifled a sob. ‘I've always thought Uncle Josh hadn't asked you to marry him because he thinks he is too old for you and – and because your background is so different to his. I-I mean you were born in a castle and he was born in the gardener's cottage and he'll never forget that.'

‘That's rubbish!' Charlotte stared at Libby. Then she gave a harsh laugh. ‘Josh is far above me in every way.'

‘Does he know you don't want to get married?'

‘Yes. I told him.'

‘Does he know why? How your mother has poisoned your mind against men?'

‘Of course not!' Charlotte's eyes widened at the thought.

‘I think you ought to tell him the reason. You owe him that after he has been such a true friend to you.'

‘I couldn't! We-we don't talk about – about such things.'

‘Then it's time you did. Is that why you think you will never have children?'

‘Oh no.' Charlotte frowned. ‘I don't think it's advisable for me to have a child after being so bad with the tuberculosis, but in any case I wouldn't want any child to inherit my mother's vindictive nature. She was so mean and spiteful the world is a better place without such people.'

‘I see …' Libby said, ‘but surely …'

‘No!' Charlotte shook her head. ‘I'd never risk it. You don't know how awful my childhood was.'

‘Well even if you don't want children it doesn't stop you getting married to someone if you love him and if he loves you. Does Uncle Josh know your views?'

‘He knows I don't want children. He – he seemed to understand and agree, at least about taking risks with my health.'

‘Well then …?' Libby smiled. ‘What's to stop the two of you getting married and not having children? You love Uncle Josh, don't you, Charlotte?'

‘Yes, yes I do. But when people get married and love each other the children follow.'

‘Not if you don't want them. Not these days.'

‘I-I don't understand …?' Charlotte frowned. ‘It's natural.'

‘I think you should tell Uncle Josh how your mother has influenced your views about men. Being married to the man you love is the most wonderful thing on earth, believe me, Charlotte. And there's nothing to endure. Women get as much pleasure as men. Please be honest with Uncle Josh. I'll bet he knows how to prevent you having babies after being in the RAF. Anyway, you can buy a book about it now, and you can go to the family planning clinic. I've learned a lot since I married Billy. You could call yourself Mrs Crainby and no one would know you in Glasgow.'

‘Is that true?' Charlotte stared at Libby. ‘Is that why you and Billy haven't had a baby?'

‘It was. I didn't want a baby until I had worked for a year, but we both wanted to be married and …' Libby blushed. ‘Well you know … But – but we're having a baby now – at least we are in six months' time but only Mum and Dad know yet, so please don't tell anyone, Charlotte.'

‘Oh Libby, that's wonderful news.' Charlotte hugged her.

‘Mmm, we think so. Promise me you and Josh will have a talk, a proper talk, holding nothing back. Invite him to a romantic dinner for two or something. Anything so long as you get things straightened out in your own head, Charlotte.'

‘I'll see …' Charlotte said, but her mind was buzzing.

The more Charlotte thought about her conversation with Libby the more her resolve hardened. As soon as she returned to Glasgow at the end of her summer holidays she made plans. Josh had already returned to work and she was due to start her new job in two days' time. She telephoned to invite him for dinner at her flat.

‘If you're sure,' Josh said in surprise. He knew how diffident Charlotte was about her cooking skills. Her repertoire was limited but she had been practising and she had discovered she enjoyed creating appetising dishes. She followed Libby's advice and concentrated on a simple meal, starting with Josh's favourite lentil soup made to his mother's recipe. She had prepared a beef casserole with plenty of vegetables, and for dessert she had made a trifle which Libby insisted was his favourite sweet. She had also bought a bottle of wine to go with the meal. Everything was ready and the table set, including two long ivory candles in the silver candlesticks salvaged from the sale of her family's possessions.

She ran upstairs to soak in a scented bath; on the bed she had laid out the new dress which she had bought for this evening. It was a silky material in blue and white and it brought out the colour of her eyes. The fitted bodice was held in place with narrow shoe-string straps. It was cut low but it had a matching bolero which made her feel less naked. She had also bought a pair of expensive leather sandals with high heels and low fronts. They were extravagant and impractical but they showed off her legs and made her feel good.  

There was an appetising smell emanating from the kitchen when she descended the stairs in her new finery. She was tempted to take a glass of wine to settle her nerves and give her confidence until she remembered that alcohol had been her mother's downfall. This evening must not be spoiled by memories of her mother. She lifted her head, her small chin set with determination. This evening was for her and Josh.

Josh and Billy had clubbed together to buy her one of the new record players for Christmas and she had been overwhelmed by their generosity. She loved to listen to music. She had learned to play the piano at school, and it came in useful now she was teaching, but she lacked the gift of a true musician. Later Josh had given her a record of light orchestral music with most of the tunes relating to the moon. She knew it was a reminder of a walk they had taken by the river when they had been enthralled by the beauty of the moonlit night. She selected the record now, intent on setting the scene for a romantic evening. She prayed Josh wouldn't think she was trying to force him into a relationship he didn't want.

Chapter Ten

Josh arrived carrying a fragrant spray of freesias. He had never given her flowers before and for a moment Charlotte wondered whether Libby had talked to him too. Her cheeks flushed at the thought but Josh greeted her with his usual quizzical smile.

‘These are in honour of my first invitation to dinner and I must say it smells delicious.' Charlotte's fingers reached for the flowers but Josh lifted his free hand and imprisoned them, his eyes serious now as he studied her face. ‘You always look pretty, Charlotte, but tonight …' his voice deepened, ‘tonight there's something more …' He searched for words and couldn't find them. Instead he leaned forward and kissed her cheek – no different to the way he had done scores of times in greeting or to say goodbye, and yet to Charlotte it seemed to have more meaning. She buried her face against the flowers.

‘They're lovely, Josh. I will find a vase for them while you open the wine. At least that should be all right but I don't know about the rest of the meal. You're used to such high standards with your mother, your sister-in-law, and your niece.'

‘It smells delicious. I can feel my taste buds working overtime already,' Josh grinned. ‘Is that why you're nervous, Charlotte? There's no need to be, you know.'

The food was as good as its smell had promised and they chatted as they ate.

‘We'll have our coffee in the lounge,' Charlotte said as Josh ate the last spoonful of trifle.

‘Mmm, that was wonderful.' Josh stood up. ‘You're an excellent cook, Charlotte. You've proved it tonight so now you can relax.' But she was more nervous than ever, wondering how she could talk to Josh about the things which mattered so much to both of them. Her hand trembled as she poured the coffee and Josh stood up and took it from her.

‘Come and sit beside me, Charlotte, and tell me what's wrong.' Josh was always kind but he could be masterful too. She could not meet his eyes and Josh's smile faded. She felt him tense beside her. ‘Have you something important to tell me?' he asked. She looked up and saw his mouth had tightened. He looked tense and wary, his blue eyes narrowed. ‘Out with it, Charlotte. Have you met someone else? Is that what you're afraid to tell me? Someone nearer your own age, I suppose?'

‘No! Oh no, Josh, nothing like that! I don't want anybody else, young or old. It's you I-I trust …' She couldn't bring herself to say love. Josh noticed but his face still showed relief.

‘If you trust me Charlotte, can't you tell me what's bothering you?'

She began to talk, stumbling over the words, hiding her face so that he wouldn't see her embarrassment. He was holding both her hands and he refused to let them go when she would have pulled away. Sometimes her words were garbled but Josh got the gist of what she was trying to say.

‘You mean to tell me your mother convinced you the relationship between a husband and wife, or a man and woman who love each other, was something to be endured, at least by women? Like – like … Oh I don't know … like some kind of suffering?' He looked at Charlotte. ‘She must have loved your father once, when she first married him?'

‘She never loved my father,' Charlotte declared. ‘She told me so herself. I don't think my mother knew how to love anyone. Wh-what if I'm the same? How would I know unless I got married – and then, then it would be too late.'

‘I've heard some women are frigid. Maybe that's what was wrong with your mother.' Josh frowned and his clasp tightened on her fingers. He looked her in the eye.

‘Charlotte …' he hesitated then hurried on, ‘Are you telling me you've reached twenty-seven and you're still a virgin?' Her face flamed and she tried to pull away but he wouldn't allow it so she looked down instead but he saw her nod.

‘You are?' he breathed. ‘By all that's wonderful! I can't believe it.' She looked up in surprise and saw his eyes were shining but his expression was tender.

‘How can you think that's wonderful?'

‘You were away at boarding school, and abroad … I assumed, well, I suppose I thought you knew all about such things. If that's not the case then what made you decide you would never marry?'

‘How shall I know if I'm frigid and unfeeling, like my mother? I have never had the chance to find out. Oh Josh, you have taught me how to trust, can't you teach me how to love?' Josh drew in his breath, wondering if she realised what she was asking of him. ‘I don't want to be like my mother. I don't want to be married. I couldn't bear to have a husband who sought whatever he needed from someone else if I'm fr-frigid.'

‘Oh Charlotte! Dearest Charlotte …' Josh pulled her into his arms and held her against his chest. She could feel his heart thumping against her cheek but he turned her face up to his and his kiss was no longer that of a close friend, it was that of a lover, searching and probing and moving down her neck to the edge of her dress and returning to her mouth. Charlotte found herself responding whether she willed it or not and when Josh removed her bolero and trailed his lips over her shoulders, nudging away the thin straps, then back to her lips before moving down and down to the swell of her breasts, easing her dress lower and lower, she clung even closer.

Her legs were long and tanned from the summer weather so she had not bothered with stockings. Josh reached to her feet and pushed off her sandals; his long fingers moved over each toe, over the soles of her feet, then began moving up her leg and down to her feet again. It was amazingly erotic and Charlotte wondered how she could have so many exciting nerves tingling in her lower limbs. He laid her back against the cushions of her long sofa but his eyes held hers as his hand moved over her knee and up to the silky skin of her thigh. His breathing quickened as she parted her lips, eager for his kiss and whatever else he offered.

‘Are you sure this is what you want, Charlotte?' he asked. ‘You know the first time may be a little painful?' She didn't know. According to her mother every time was a disgusting discomfort. But she knew Josh made her feel wonderful and she wanted more.

‘I trust you, Josh. I want … I want you.'

‘Aah …' Josh gave a long sigh of satisfaction and eased her onto the thick woollen rug before the fire. They were the words he had longed to hear and almost given up hope. He began to undress her, seeing her breathing quicken, feeling her response to his kisses.

Much later he carried Charlotte to the bedroom, leaving their clothes behind on the carpet. It was the first time Charlotte had ever slept beside another human being and she snuggled into him, and thought she was in heaven to be held so tenderly in Josh's strong arms. He had been right about the initial pain but Josh had made sure she shared the ecstasy which followed. Long before morning she knew beyond doubt just how wonderful it was to be loved by Josh.

‘There's nothing frigid about you, my darling girl,' Josh murmured as he drifted into sleep.

In the morning he wished he didn't need to go to work. He tried not to waken Charlotte as he crept from the bed, but when he turned at the bedroom door she was watching him, a dreamy smile on her face.

‘I didn't want to disturb you. How do you feel?'

‘Wonderful,' she breathed and raised her arms above her head in a languorous stretch. She had no idea how inviting she looked and Josh groaned. ‘I need to work today, you temptress, but I shall return tonight, shall I?'

‘Oh yes, yes please, Josh.' She threw aside the bed clothes and reached for her dressing gown.

‘I'll cook you some breakfast while you bathe and dress,' she offered. A little while later Josh joined her at the small kitchen table to the smell of bacon and toast.

‘Tea or coffee?' Charlotte asked.

‘Tea, please. I could settle for this kind of service every day,' Josh grinned. He looked up at her and smiled. ‘Any regrets, Charlotte?'

‘None,' she answered and shook her head for good measure.

‘I'm glad,' Josh said fervently. ‘You were wonderful.'

‘I was?' Charlotte said in surprise. ‘Really Josh?'

‘You were.' He stood up and came round the table, drawing her to her feet and taking her in his arms. ‘Maybe too wonderful. I – er … I know a lot of Catholics depend on the time of the monthly rhythms to prevent them having babies, but it is not always reliable,' he said, looking down into her eyes and wanting to kiss her upturned mouth. ‘I-I think we shall have to take more precautions if you don't want babies, especially when you don't want to get married. We'll talk about it later.'

‘Yes,' she nodded, savouring his kiss. Thanks to Libby she knew what to do now. She would not allow anything to stop her from loving Josh now she had discovered how wonderful it could be.

It was the middle of the morning when the telephone rang. Charlotte was a little surprised to hear the voice of Morven MacRory, a young teacher who had done her probationary year at the same school as Charlotte. Morven was one of the youngest to complete all her training. She could have gone further but Charlotte suspected her decision to teach primary-school children had been influenced by her friendship with Donnie Smith. They had been students together. Donnie had been brought up in the Quarriers' Homes and he had no idea who his mother had been or why he had been abandoned. He had a job as a teacher in a school on the outskirts of Glasgow.

In spite of the difference in their ages Charlotte had got on well with Morven during their probationary year, but they were both teaching at different schools in the city now and Morven wanted to meet again before the new term started. She had been brought up on one of the islands by her grandmother, following the death of her parents in a boating accident. Morven had planned to spend the summer in Glasgow to be near Donnie but her grandmother had been taken ill so she had returned to the little croft to be with the old lady. On her return to Glasgow Charlotte had found a letter waiting for her. Morven's grandmother had died peacefully three weeks after she arrived home. The neighbours had been kind and helped her clear the croft. In spite of her ability and intelligence Morven seemed naïve and innocent so Charlotte was delighted when she telephoned. She felt affectionately protective towards her, although she was far from worldly herself.

‘Come for lunch,' she said. ‘It will not be anything special but we can eat while we chat. I have an appointment at half past two,' she added, remembering Morven's propensity for chatter. It had taken her ages to overcome her nervousness and contact the family planning clinic so she didn't want to risk missing her appointment.

. ‘Then I want to go through my work ready for the first day with my new class.'

‘I've done my preparation,' Morven said. ‘I'm looking forward to meeting my new children.' The amazing thing about Morven was the way she managed to hold the interest of even the most unruly children, although sometimes she didn't look or sound much older than them. Perhaps that's her secret, Charlotte thought.

Josh was astonished, and none too pleased when he realised Charlotte had visited a family planning clinic. He had no idea how much courage it had taken for her to keep the appointment. He supposed he ought to be pleased but she had done it without any prior discussion. Was she making sure she would not be forced into marriage because of an unwanted child? He could have sworn he had dispelled her fears of married life and her mother's myths. It made him wonder whether she didn't quite trust him. He loved her, and if two people loved each other, and if both were free to marry, surely it was a natural progression to get married. Josh's views had been broadened during his time in the armed services, when each day might be the last and pleasure had been seized, passions had flared and died. But his upbringing had been a traditional one and he respected Charlotte. He couldn't take her to stay at his mother's cottage and sleep with her there unless they were man and wife. In his heart he knew he would never feel fulfilled unless he and Charlotte were married. He wanted to live with her all the time, not just two or three evenings a week, but Charlotte had made her views on marriage crystal clear. She had given him no indication she had changed them, although her responses to his lovemaking were everything he had dreamed of.

Charlotte looked forward to Josh's visits, especially when he stayed the night. She wished he could stay every night. He had dispelled the impressions her mother had given, impressions which could have robbed her of the joy and satisfaction of being a woman, the rapture of being united with the man she loved. She had taken Libby's advice so there would be no unplanned pregnancy to mar the spontaneity of their loving, but as time passed she had a niggling feeling there was a flaw in the bright flame of their love. She tried to banish the fear that Josh might prefer to be free to take a wife who would bear his children.

Charlotte accompanied Josh down to Darlonachie for Christmas but she was staying at Home Farm and he was staying in his mother's cottage. His silence on the drive down made Charlotte uneasy. Did he regret the time they must spend apart as much as she did, or was he growing tired of her?

 They were all invited to Langmune for Christmas dinner. Libby was heavily pregnant now but it agreed with her. Her skin was clear and she seemed to bloom like a summer flower. Unlike her mother she had no objection to going to the hospital for her confinement. Doctor Ritchie's wife, June, was expecting a baby at the end of January so the two of them often went together to the clinic.

Molly was an adorable toddler and Charlotte enjoyed amusing her and singing nursery rhymes for her. She was a bright child and quick to imitate the sounds. She was affectionate too and cuddled Charlotte a great deal. Watching them together Josh thought she was born to be a mother. He wondered whether the doctors had been right to warn her about the effects of the tuberculosis, although he knew it was possible her lungs had suffered permanent damage. He shuddered. He couldn't bear the thought of losing her. Perhaps he should be happy with the part of her life she was willing to share with him.