Whisper (11 page)

As if. As if. He's not only normal, he's gorgeous. And you?You are a deaf girl who goes to a weird deaf school.

I try to shove nasty Horse Girl thoughts out of my head.I don't want her to be in my head, in my bedroom. But I keep seeing the way she stared at Keisha and me as though we were freaks. The way she pointed to the deaf school, two handed, as though pointing to a very different planet.

As though we shouldn't be at the footy, and we
should
be stuck in a bubble somewhere away from normal people, like in Stella's photos.

I have another nagging feeling. At least at my old school I was mixing with hearing people. That would seem more normal to someone like Ethan. The feeling grows when I think about my old gang, especially about Nadia.

I feel like half of me is missing without Nadia around every day, being annoying, or even taking care of me, if that's what it would take to keep us close.

My school work has improved since I started at the deaf school – I'm understanding nearly everything in class.But life isn't all about school work. Maybe I've made the wrong decision?

I thought I was past all this doubt. I need to remind myself that my decision wasn't only to do with school work.It was about the rest of my life too. I mustn't get too romantic about my old school. Things had changed. I didn't really
fit
in there anymore, even when I thought I did. Even when I thought I passed for being normal, I was kidding myself.

I guess it's kind of like being homesick for your old house when it's been pulled down and replaced with a block of flats. It's not there anymore; you can't go back. But you still miss it somehow.

There is a DVD disc with an ordinary printed label in the right-hand drawer of my bedside table. Speech Night. It looks innocent. My TV is on the wall. Around the edges are stickers, and the third photo booth pic of me and Nads.

Maybe I want to punish myself for dreaming of a normal life, a normal boyfriend. I don't really know what makes me decide to watch it again, but I push the disc in the slot.

The first time I watched it, I was tucked under my doona with a bowl of popcorn on my bedside table.

Now, I sit on the end of the bed. No snacks. No doona.

The beginning of the DVD is jumpy. The media students had been practising their skills at cutting between cameras.The first bit shows people in the audience taking their seats.There's a pan of the auditorium roof, then the camera comes down to the stage.

There's more stability as Olivia sidles up to the microphone. There are closed captions at the bottom of the screen, just for me since there were no other deaf students. As Olivia speaks, her words appear on the screen below.

The time limit for each speech is two minutes. All of us have chosen a topic around the environment. Olivia talks about climate change and the debate about its scientific link to greenhouse gas emissions.

The camera scans the audience as everyone claps at the end of the talk. I see Mum, Dad and Harry sitting in their seats. Harry is clapping along, being very grown-up, his little face all serious. Oscar is squirming around on Felicity's lap, trying to lock his chubby legs into a standing position.

The camera cuts back to the stage as Justin comes on.It's typical Justin. He's wearing the usual short-sleeved white shirt and tie but he has ditched the blazer and the shirt is about two sizes too small.

When Justin starts talking about an emissions trading scheme, I know to look at the kids in the corner of the screen, just off to the left-hand side. I know that
this time.
It's a parallel narrative there, more telling than what's on centre stage.

As Justin talks, Liam, the class clown, flexes his muscles, posing like a body builder. I can't tell which kids are with him. It's too shadowy. But I can see their shoulders shaking, and it's clear they're laughing at Liam's take-off.

The first time I watched the DVD, I laughed too. I laughed at the way Liam caught the gist of Justin's vanity. I laughed at the way Liam played with what was happening onstage.Each of Justin's arm movements looked like it was showing off an impressive muscle group rather than explaining the impact of dangerous emissions. I laughed with a mouthful of popcorn. I had to sip my drink to avoid choking.

I'm not laughing now. I know what's coming.

I watch myself walk out onstage after Justin finishes.

It's obvious that I'm nervous. My footsteps are clumsy, as though my school shoes are made of concrete and my arms are pinned unnaturally to my side. I remember reassuring myself that I knew my speech, word for word, and I can almost see myself breathing in that reassurance.

The back of Jules' head appears at the bottom of the screen, standing to the right of the stage on the ground.I cringe as I watch the screen-Demi deliberately
not
looking at Jules, trying to be independent of him after what happened at the market.

I see myself looking straight into the auditorium, remembering my teacher's advice to talk to the back of the room so that everyone would be able to hear me.

Screen-Demi leans into the microphone.
I
lean into the microphone and start my speech.

My words appear across the bottom of the screen, line by line, like karaoke. I can see the writing, but it's not the words I focus on now. Jules is in view again. It's still just the back of him, standing up, but I can see what he's doing, though of course I didn't see it at the time.

I can see it all too clearly – now. His hands are in front of him, and are pushing down. It's an easy sign, one of the first I learnt. He's telling me to lower my volume.

I have to be tough with myself. I have to keep watching.

There's no point trying to warn screen-Demi to look at Jules.

My eyes switch to the left side of the screen, to Liam and the other kids in the shadows. Liam is covering his ears with his hands, shaking his head from side to side as though he's being rocked by some earsplitting noise. I know the kids near Liam are laughing because I can see their shoulders shaking. Again. This time though, they're laughing at the poor deaf girl making a fool of herself.

Get it now on DVD!

I turn off the TV, and I switch off the silly idea that Ethan might like me. That something might happen between us.

As if.

chapter 15

I catch the early tram the next morning. We have the excursion to the careers expo this afternoon. I left my university course handbook at school and I want to use it to prepare some questions.

And I want to avoid Horse Girl.

There are no free seats. The tram is packed and I have to stand and hold onto a handle. I keep thinking of Ethan, despite trying to switch off any thoughts about him last night. His shoulders, his arms, his green eyes and the way he looked at me. I should probably stop myself, but I don't want to. At least I can daydream about him.

My phone vibrates in my pocket. I lurch forward as the tram stops and juggle my phone out of my pocket. It's a text from Keisha.

Ethan asked for yr phone # after u left.

I study the message like it might rewrite itself or disappear unless my eyes keep it pinned to the screen. My heart flies up to my throat as I frantically text back.

What did u do?

Commuters push past me as we approach a popular stop.My phone vibrates in my hand, but I have to let some people past before I can look at the new message.

I feel a nervous, strange fluttering inside me. I get a flash of Horse Girl making fun of Keisha and me at the football.But Ethan has asked for my phone number, even though he knows.

It's scary, but I hope Keisha gave my number to him.

I miss out on so much. I don't want to miss out on this too.

I told him yr gay.

I drop my arm down from the handle, and it's silly how the panic rises in me. I'm taken by surprise when the tram lurches off again.

U didn't? Did u???

I wait for the vibration of the response. It seems to take ages.

Nup. I told him u have a b'friend.

I resend my last message.

U didn't? Did u???

Nup.

Did u give it to him???

Gtg. Tell u at school x

It's quiet at school. There are a few smaller kids mucking around on the play equipment. A little girl waves to me.I wave back, smiling. It feels like it's going to be a good day.

I get the uni handbook from my locker. The homeroom is unlocked. I sit down and try to organise my preferences for courses. It feels like a game, like a kid's wishlist for Santa or something, instead of a real list of course preferences.My first preference is law at Melbourne.

My first preference is Ethan.

I shake my head and try to concentrate. Out of the corner of my eye I see Helena walk in. She is talking into her streamer. She waves at me and continues her conversation.I hope I don't seem weird, but I still can't help staring at Helena when she uses her streamer. I try to imagine what it would be like to be able to do what she's doing right now.But even though I wish I could use a streamer, I can't really be jealous of her. She's too nice.

‘Hi,' she signs to me after she's finished. She sits down next to me. ‘That was my daughter. She forgot her lunch.'

‘I didn't know you have a daughter,' I sign back.

‘I have two,' she signs, ‘A-p-r-i-l is six and G-o-l-d-i-e is four.'

‘Nice names,' I sign. It feels good to be sitting here just with her, finding out about her life outside school.

‘Are they – '

Suddenly, I'm not sure if I should be asking the question, but Helena answers immediately.

‘No, they're both hearing,' she signs, as though the question is not only reasonable but to be expected. ‘My husband is profoundly deaf, and I'm partially deaf. We all sign, and three of us speak, so we're a mixed mob.'

I like the idea of Helena and her mixed mob. It
must
work, at least some of the time. Even though Helena has some hearing, her husband is like me. It's not
exactly
the same as it would be, could be, with Ethan, but it still gives me hope.

‘What about you, D-e-m-i?' she signs.

‘No-one else in my family is deaf. Mum's a pretty good signer, my sister's OK, and Dad's not so great.'

I feel a bit bad saying that about Dad. Because even though he's not a great signer, we still seem to be able to communicate better than I do with Mum and Flawless.

‘But they all give it a go?' prompts Helena. ‘That's good.It's different for everyone. Stella's whole family is deaf, so sign is their first language, but you know Chatter only has her Mum, and she hardly knows any sign at all.'

‘Wow. No, I didn't know that.'

It's hard to imagine what that might be like for Keisha, living alone with a mum who can't sign. Keisha's never mentioned it, in all her constant chatter.

Students are filtering in now, and Helena gets up and walks to her desk.

Erica comes in first and sits next to me. A minute later Keisha slides in next to her. I'm wishing Keisha had got here first because I want to find out what actually happened yesterday, and whether she gave Ethan my phone number.

All I get from her is a funny grin that could mean anything.

Stella, Luke and Cameron take the seats in front of us.

Stella glances back quickly, looking at me and then at the door. She tilts her head and smiles at me. I have a funny, flighty sense that she might have figured out that I always sit by the door, but she could just be smiling, I guess.

‘OK, everyone,' Helena signs after getting our attention with her regular routine, ‘I hope you all have questions prepared, and a list of booths you would like to visit.Make sure you double-check which subjects you'll need to take next year, and the scores you'll need for any courses you're interested in. They can change from year to year.'

‘Luke,' continues Helena, signing Luke's deaf name with the football sign, ‘what's your plan?'

It seems natural for Helena to use Luke's deaf name.When Alistair does it, it seems kind of awkward,Helena's the only teacher who really gets away with it.

‘There is a TAFE booth I want to visit,' Luke signs. ‘I'd like to finish this year here, and go there for year twelve.But I also want to check out whether it's OK to get my own carpentry apprenticeship lined-up while I do TAFE because I have a family friend who has offered me one.'

‘Great,' Helena signs. ‘What about you, C-a-m?'

‘I have to line-up my preferences for accounting,' Cam signs. ‘There are two different courses. I already pretty much know what's involved because Dad's an accountant.'

There's a look of distaste on Cam's face, a slight screwing up of his nose. I wonder whether his personality will go with the job.

‘Or I might just be a pro surfer,' he signs with a grin, confirming my thoughts.

‘Got to learn to stand up on the board for that,' Luke stirs.