Whisper (10 page)

I take a ragged breath and I'm back in the school hall, surrounded by other kids, looking at Stella's photos.

I've been doing well. Really well. I nearly had that attack in front of Erica and Keisha but I stopped it. I've never spoken about it to anyone but it's like Stella knows about it, somehow. I feel like this girl I don't even know has invaded my privacy, exposed my nightmare-memory.

I feel like I'm pinned up on that wall at the front of the hall, for everyone to stare at.

I am at the end of the row. If I got up and left, would people notice? I remind myself to breathe, but it's hard to get enough air.

Everyone is intent on watching Stella's slides. At least no-one is looking at me. But I don't want to watch anymore.I close my eyes until she's shown all her photos and it's over.Finally.

At lunchtime we sit at the usual table, but it's different.For starters, there's a whole pile of food in the middle of the table from the food tech students, who've used stuff from the veggie garden.

And for seconds, of course, there's Stella.

‘That photo session was deep,' Cam signs. The ‘deep' sign is like a finger gun, dropping down. Cam makes his finger gun drop dramatically until it disappears under the table.It would have been funny if I was in the mood for funny.

I watch for Stella's reaction. Her eye-rolling is impressive, especially with the eyeliner. I have a feeling that her don't-mess-with-me look would beat mine, hands down.The beginnings of it seem stuck to her face permanently.

Erica and Stella start signing about the techniques Stella used in her photos. Keisha frowns, obviously not following.

‘It was deep,' Keisha signs enthusiastically, during a break in their signing. ‘But I don't think I really got it.'

Stella pauses, and I can see her thinking about how she should explain the photos for Keisha.

‘My photos are a commentary on how the hearies treat us,' she signs.

When Stella makes the sign for ‘hearies', it's harsh.The sign for hearing is the index finger travelling from ear to mouth. Everything functioning. In Stella's version though, her index finger and little finger stick up like devil's ears as she makes the sign. As a final flourish, she blows on her fingers, like she's blowing out a candle. It's a dismissive gesture. It seems to say ‘they know nothing'.

I don't like her version of the sign. It feels rude, like she's suggesting that hearing people are the enemy, or evil somehow
.
Once I might have called her on it. But I'm not up for a debate with Stella. So I just watch.

‘Right,' Keisha says slowly, though I'm not sure she has got Stella's point. ‘But how did you get the people inside the bubbles?'

The others laugh. I even smile a bit.

‘Remember when I said we should take iced water to the school sports in year seven?' Luke signs, looking at Keisha.

Cam joins in. ‘And Chatter told him not to be silly because we wouldn't be able to get ice into the bottle?'

The boys crack up. Keisha screws up her nose. I think she might still be wondering how you get ice into a bottle.

‘I made the bubble digitally', Stella signs, pushing Cam back so that Keisha can see her. ‘Then I photoshopped the people in or around it.'

‘That's one way of doing it,' Luke signs from across the table. ‘Or you could shrink someone, turn them into liquid and blow them into the bubble through a straw.'

Keisha pokes out her tongue at Luke, and I notice that he grins and grabs her hand.

I pick up a piece of quiche and take a bite. The centre is a bit eggy, not quite cooked. I'm deciding whether to have another bite when Stella looks right at me.

‘You're new,' she signs.

I feel some egg slip down my throat.

‘Yeah. I started last week,' I sign, voicing as well. I wipe some quiche from my lip.‘You're oral,' Stella signs, and there's a disapproving look in her eyes, though I guess I might just have egg on my lip.It's only now that I realise no-one has been speaking today.I'm getting so used to any combination of sign and speaking that it doesn't always register anymore.

‘D-e-m-i has only been deaf for two years,' Erica steps in, and I feel like she's offering a defence for me, somehow. ‘But she signs really well. She's improved heaps since she's been here.'

‘So new, so hot,' Luke signs to Stella, like I'm not sitting right there. Keisha shifts in her seat. I wish Luke would just stop, but he doesn't. ‘She's already broken my heart.'

Stella laughs, and when she does, her face completely changes. It's like something opens inside of her.

‘Good work, D-e-m-i,' she signs. ‘In record time too. Good to get that over with.'

chapter 13

After school, Keisha begs me to go and watch Luke play footy at the high school next door. She doesn't want to go alone, and Erica has something on. I'm not a big footy fan, but I don't have anything else to do, other than more homework.

It's purple-blazer territory around the sidelines of the oval. We put our bags on a row of seats.

Keisha waves, and I look over to where her wave is directed. Luke is with a group of boys all gathered around their footy coach. The coach is waving his arms around, and I think he's probably yelling.

We leave our bags on the seats next to the oval and walk a bit closer to the action.

From here, I can see Luke straining to follow what the coach is talking about. I can see him focusing on the coach's lips. When the coach moves his head sideways, Luke leans sideways a bit so he doesn't lose sight of the coach's mouth.My head leans with him, as though I can help. But I am pretty sure he'd be missing a lot. Luke is profoundly deaf, like me.He looks like he's trying to fill in the gaps of understanding,and I know what that means. I know how big some of the gaps can be.

I think Luke's brave, doing this. Being the only one in the team who can't hear. I look at Keisha and see she is obviously feeling an exaggerated version of what I'm feeling. Her head is tilted sideways, her eyes are wide and her right hand is crossed over her heart, as though she's holding it in place.

The boys run onto the field in a pack of purple, navy and yellow. The other team runs on too, in red and white jerseys.The umpire bounces the ball and it's game on.

Keisha and I walk back to the seats. Although most of the rows are empty, our bags have been dumped on the ground.Sitting in the seat where my bag used to be is Horse Girl.She is with another girl, but I don't think it's one from my tram.

She stares at me as I approach. I can feel her eyes scanning me, from top to toe. I don't like it. I don't like her. It's as though we are two animals with opposing scents. I reach down and pull my bag from next to her feet. She doesn't move. She doesn't make it easy.

Keisha hasn't registered anything. She just pulls her bag out from under the other girl's feet. Her eyes are locked on the oval, following Luke even when he's nowhere near the football. She walks to the end of the row and sits down.I throw my bag over one shoulder and meet her there.

‘Did you see that mark?' Keisha signs. ‘That was Luke. Did you see it? He's really good. How high did he jump?'

Her questions are rhetorical. I nod, because that's all that's required. I sneak a look towards the girls. Horse Girl points two handed, as though one isn't enough, in the direction of our school. Our DEAF school.

Then, she keeps her hands in the air. She is mimicking Keisha. Her hands are flapping about in the air, hitting each other and doing air circles. The gestures are ridiculous.They are nothing like sign. They mean nothing. They mean nothing except that she thinks that's how sign language looks. Retarded.

The girl with her shakes her head, but she is struggling to control her giggles. I can tell she is finding Horse Girl's antics guiltily amusing.

I feel sick. Keisha hasn't noticed anything. She's deep in a Luke-trance.

I look at the ground. I breathe. There is nothing I can do about her. Nothing.

If I went up and tried to talk to her, what would I say?‘Don't be mean to us poor deaf kids'? Besides, even if I did that, she would hear me speak, which would be a bonus for her. She'd find that extra funny. Something else to mimic for everyone's enjoyment.

There's no point in making myself – us – a bigger target.

There's nothing I can do except to breathe my humiliation right down to the pit of my stomach.

Now Keisha looks in the direction of Horse Girl and her friend. The two of them are walking away.

For a second, I wonder whether Keisha has seen it.Her eye-roll tells me she has. But it's an eye-roll that says ‘how annoying,' not ‘how humiliating, I want to die'. She has seen Horse Girl imitating her signing, and it's hardly had any effect.

Maybe that's how you get if you've been deaf forever? Maybe she's put up with rudeness so many times that now it's no big deal? Maybe I'll get used to stuff like that one day?

I doubt it. I don't think I even want to, although it would probably be less painful.

I'm thinking about all this when Keisha suddenly waves her hand in my face. It's so close I can feel the breeze she makes.

‘Luke's been hurt!' she signs. Now she
is
upset. Her hand flies to her mouth.

I look out at the players on the oval. ‘What happened? 'I ask.

‘Luke took a mark, and that other guy tried to stop him, and gave him a blood nose!'

The match has stopped. Luke is heading back to the sidelines holding his nose. He's walking over with another player from his team.

‘That's him! The guy who hurt Luke! Bastard!' Her hands are fists, the little finger edges bumping each other violently, twice, to make the ‘bastard' sign.

I look around to see if anyone is watching us. It doesn't seem like it, but I turn towards Keisha, blocking out the people in the stands, just in case.

‘It must have been an accident,' I sign. ‘They're on the same team.'

I can see Keisha taking it in, her anger changing into concern. Her face is easy to read – an open book.

‘It doesn't look serious,' I continue, hands tucked close to my chest so as not to be too obvious.

But Keisha isn't concentrating on me. She's watching the coach hand Luke an ice-pack. I flinch as Keisha starts to walk over to them. I think she should back off a bit. Maybe try not to be so obvious where Luke's concerned. I stay where I am but my eyes follow her. I look at the ‘bastard' who bumped into Luke.

It's Swimming Guy.

I shut my eyes, plead with the universe. I don't want to be the girl from the deaf school. I don't want to be deaf.

When I open my eyes, three pairs of feet are walking towards me. Keisha's. Luke's. And his.

I am still deaf.

Keisha is walking between the boys, smiling. She's obviously reconsidered her opinion about Swimming Guy being a bastard, but I kind of want him to be one so I don't have to care what happens. So I don't have to stand there and go through the clunk of him finding out that I'm deaf.His expression of sympathy, of pity.

I don't suppose he'll remember me. I'm not sure if I want him to. I could still walk away, but Keisha is signing to me as they approach so it would be rude.

‘It was an accident!' she signs, as though she's delivering a great revelation instead of stating the obvious. ‘They went up for the same mark, and sometimes that happens in football.'

I nod. There's still a bit of blood around his nose but other than that, Luke looks fine.

Keisha pulls out her mobile and types.

Demi, Ethan.

His eyes move from the screen to me. And they kind of
catch
me. I know that eyes can't catch, but his do somehow.And straight away, I can tell that he recognises me. His eyes widen slightly, almond-shaped becoming circular. And there's a smile tugging at the edges of his mouth.

Then I see him registering that I'm deaf. But if most people gulp down that realisation, he seems to sip it. It's different to what I expected. To what I'd feared. If he feels sorry for me, I can't see any evidence of it.

‘Be careful,' Luke is more miming than signing to Ethan.The ‘careful' is a shake of his index finger. ‘She's hot and she'll break your heart'. That's done with Luke pointing directly at me, then blowing on the same finger. Then he places his hands on his heart and pulls them apart melodramatically.

Keisha slaps him on the shoulder and I hope it hurts.I am horrified. I don't know where to look. But Swimming Guy is laughing.

His name is Ethan, and he is laughing and his green eyes are smiling and he doesn't
look
like he feels sorry for me.

‘Yeah, I'd better be careful,' he says, and I can read those lips pretty well. I can put together what he's saying.‘She does … dangerous. She looks … the kind of girl … over a locker.'

Luke and Keisha have no clue what he's on about.They turn and start signing about football and Luke's nose and who knows what else.

And I'm glad. I'm glad that Ethan remembers me, and I'm glad that it's only him and me sharing this joke.

It's not much, I tell myself, and it's true. Not much has happened. But even as I tell myself that, I think about swimming next to him, our bodies in perfect sync. I wonder what that means. I have a nagging, silly hope that it means something and now I'm flustered and I think I might be going red.

‘I've got to go,' I say to him, and I just have to hope my voice sounds normal.

I didn't think I would like anyone ever again, not after what happened with Jules. In fact I made it a
rule
not to.

But it seems it's true. All rules have exceptions.

chapter 14

By the time I get home, my thoughts have turned sour.It's like Horse Girl is inside my head, feeding me lines.