White Oblivion (4 page)

7

Since we were all hungry we decided to go to a restaurant and grab a bite to eat.  We went to a mutual favorite, a little Thai restaurant in Capitol Hill on Pennsylvania Avenue near my studio.  The restaurant was so tiny that it was hardly noticeable and was never crowded, but the food was absolutely delicious.  We figured it would be a good way to ease into things since there likely wouldn’t be very many people dining there at that time. 

Getting there was uneventful, though we hadn’t travelled very far to get there.  We lived just about 15 minutes away in a newly renovated row house off of 13th and Irving Streets N.W. D.C.. 

Our renovated home was a dream.  We bought the house dirt cheap as it was in shambles when we bought it.  Then, we basically gutted it and Doran and some friends of his did all of the renovations. 

There were cherry hardwood floors throughout.  We were actually able to keep much of the original hardwood floors, which was a plus. 

There were 2 levels and a full basement, which we made into a basement apartment for J.  The basement apartment was complete with 1 master suite bedroom, which had a full bath.  There was also a half bath off of the living room area.  There was a beautiful eat-in kitchen which I had the time of my life designing.  We put a lot into designing it figuring that when J moved out permanently we could rent it out.  Basement apartment rentals went for a nice amount in DC. 

On the first floor toward the back side of the house Doran put in a beautiful gourmet chef’s kitchen for me.   There was also a half bath just off of the kitchen leading up toward the living room.  The living room was done in the style of a great room so the kitchen fed right into it.  We weren’t the formal type so I requested it be designed that way as I didn’t see a need for a formal living room.

Then on the second floor were 3 bedrooms including our master suite.  I designed Ina’s room with all the girly bells and whistles.  So it was designed with all things pinkalicious.  She loved it.  She had a beautiful full-sized canopy bed, a computer desk, a 40-inch wall mounted flat screen tv, a 3-story black barbie house, a toy box filled every little girl’s dream toys and a huge bookshelf filled to capacity. 

Next to Ina’s room was the yoga/meditation room.  It was our sacred space where we had an altar set up.  My crystal collection was also displayed there along with several other sacred items that each of us had contributed. 

Then on the other side of the meditation room was our master suite.  I decorated it in a modern zen minimalist design, as was much of our house.  I did it that way because I wanted it to be reminiscent of a spa retreat.  So imagine heaven in a bedroom and that was our master suite. 

Our king-size bed had a padded leather headboard and the fluffiest, most luxurious bedding that I could find.  We had one large marble-top dresser and a huge walk-in closet in which Doran and I split it half.  Doran needed just as much space as I did for all of his photography equipment.  On each side of the bed were two end tables. 

For me our home was a piece of heaven and under the current set of circumstances I dreaded the thought of leaving that heaven to go out into the world with this white skin.

As I sat on the edge of our bed putting on my socks my nerves had started to get the best of me.  By the time we made it out the front door I was a wreck.  Our neighborhood was predominantly black and so I think in large part I feared being judged by them.  I really felt for Doran, though he didn’t seem at all concerned with the stares that would undoubtedly come as a result of our newly interracial relationship. 

Nonetheless, Doran suggested that we go ahead and dive into this thing and deal with the challenges of it as they came.  Though I agreed with him I wasn’t sure that I was emotionally ready to go through with it.  Yet, despite my apprehension I went ahead and did as Doran suggested and dove in.

Since it was a weekday afternoon parking was tricky.  However, we lucked up and Doran got a space right in front of the restaurant.  I was relieved because that meant I wouldn’t have to endure what I knew would be a terrifying walk down the street. 

I hopped out of the car and nearly ran Ina and Doran over running into the restaurant.  Thankfully it was Fall so I was able to take every precaution in disguising myself, wearing a hat, long sleeves and long pants.  So my mad dash into the restaurant was sheer paranoia. 

I don’t know why I was disguising myself because no one else around knew or had ever seen me.  I guess it was more about my feeling a sense of shame in my new skin.

When we went into the restaurant we were seated immediately.  The restaurant was fairly empty and besides us there was only one couple there.  They were a cute little white elderly couple sitting a couple tables away from where we were seated.

Though I felt really self conscious of my new skin it seemed that no one else in the restaurant cared because no one even gave us a second look as we headed over to our table.

I already knew what I wanted to order so I didn’t even need to look over the menu.  I wanted the vegetarian red curry.  Doran and Ina said they wanted to try something new so they were intently looking over the menu before ordering.

The waitress, a tiny Thai woman who looked to be middle aged brushed over to our table in what seemed like less than a minute after we were seated. 

“Hi, can I take yo orda?” she asked in a thick accent.

“Not yet we need a little more time thanks,” Doran said with a hint of agitation. 

He hated being rushed.  As much as I loved Asian food Doran only took me to Asian restaurants to appease me.  He hated how they always seemed to hurry us to get in and get out.  He said that he didn’t appreciate being herded like cattle through a restaurant. 

I looked up at Doran and smiled.  He knew that my smile was in reference to how short he was with the waitress. 

“I don’t know why after all these years of doing business in this country they don’t have better customer service,” Doran said.

“Baby I just think it’s cultural.  I don’t think they mean to be rude,” I suggested.

“Culture or not.  The culture here is to not be rude where people are spending their hard earned money in your establishment,” Doran snapped.

“That’s true.  Maybe someday that miracle will happen,” I said with a hint of sarcasm.

“So Ina what are you ordering?” Doran asked.

Still looking a bit uncertain Ina said, “I think I want the fried rice again dad.”

“I thought you were gonna try something new.  What about trying the pad Thai tofu?  It’s usually very good and I think you’ll like it,” Doran suggested.

“Yeah I agree.  You’ll probably like that one Ina,” I added.

“Hmmmm.  Well okay I’ll try it,” Ina hesitated.

“Good.  I’m gonna try this dish called Panang Jae,” Doran said struggling to pronounce it correctly.

“Let me see that one,” I said picking up my menu.  “Ummmm looks good baby.  Sounds like it’s a lot like the vegetarian red curry.”

“Yeah I know.  It’s at least an attempt to order something different though so give me
some
credit,” Doran replied in response to my indirect jab.

“I know and I’m proud of you babe,” I said in an attempt to smooth things over.

The waitress returned and that time we were ready to order.  Doran ordered for everyone, the waitress took our menus and we all sat in awkward silence while we waited.

“So how are you doing?  It’s not so bad right?” Doran asked breaking the silence.

“I guess not.  At least there aren’t many people here,” I said relieved.

“Yeah I figured we should ease into things.  I didn’t want to make you feel too stressed,” Doran added.

“I wonder how it will be when you take me to school though mom.  I mean school
is
still open tomorrow,” Ina said sounding concerned.

“I know and I’ve been thinking about that.  Babe can’t you continue taking her just for a while until we figure out what our cover story is going to be?” I asked.

“Hmmm.  I’ll do it, but just for this week.  I don’t want to put this off for too long.  We can’t let this thing take over our lives by prolonging the inevitable,” Doran answered.

“I know babe, but this is really hard for me and I’m dealing with it as best I can.  I just don’t want to be overwhelmed,” I said.

“I’m not going to overwhelm you, but I also don’t want to make this more difficult than it has to be with avoidance.  We’ve got to face this thing.  In the meantime, we have to keep looking for a way to resolve it,” Doran said.

“You know how to fix mom back dad?” Ina asked with a glimmer of excitement.

“Let’s not say “fix” your mom Ina.  We don’t want to make it seem like something is wrong with her.  But yes, I do want us to learn more about this and see if it’s happened to someone else and see how they resolved it,
if
they resolved it,” Doran explained.

“Oh ok.  Well I hope we can figure that out soon dad,” Ina agreed.

“I don’t even know where to begin looking for answers.  First of all if we asked around no one would ever believe us.  Secondly, if this happened to someone else who’s to say that they ever told anyone about it.  I just think we’re wishing on a star here.  I think I’m stuck with this body and if I’m wrong, where the hell is my body?  How do I find it?  Who has it?  Will they be so eager to give it back?  Why did they take it in the first place? Maybe it’s an alien invasion!” I rambled.

“Baby ---” Doran began before he was interrupted by the waitress who was bringing our food to the table.

“Ummmm yours looks good dad,” Ina said.

“You want to try some?” Doran asked reaching for a spoon.

“Yeah I wanna try some,” Ina answered.

Doran gave her a spoonful once the waitress put her plate down.

We were all quiet as we got situated to eat. 

Reaching over onto Doran’s plate and getting some of his food with her spoon and seemingly a bit hesitant, Ina said, “Ummm I like it dad!” taking in a bite-sized serving of his dish.

“Yeah it’s pretty good.  How is yours baby?” Doran said looking over at me as I swallowed the second bite.

“It’s delish!  I’ll definitely have to order it again.  It’s good to try new things. hanh?” I said looking at Ina.

We were all quiet for a while as we enjoyed our food.  Apparently we were all pretty hungry because we all damn near licked our plates clean.  We finished up, Doran paid the tab and we headed back to the car.

“So where to next ladies?” Doran said with an adventurous grin.

8

I wasn’t really in the mood to push this
adventure
any further, but I knew that Doran was right and that I couldn’t stay holed up in the house forever.  In fact, I would have to face that reality as early as the next day since I had to teach classes at the studio.  So I tried to think of where we should head to next.

Before I could say anything Ina blurted out, “Let’s go to the mall dad!”

I cringed at the thought.  There was no way I was going to a mall.  That was just too much too soon and I was no way near being ready for all of that.  There would undoubtedly be tons of people there.  More than that we’d get more stares than enough and I didn’t want to face that yet.

“No way.  I’m no way near ready for all of that,” I objected.

“Now baby it’s actually a good idea.  What better way to dive into this thing.  If you can survive a trip to the mall than you can survive anything.  You are a survivor baby.  You always have been and I know you can get control of this situation.  Come on.  Let’s do it. We’re both here with you and you know we have your back.  I don’t care what other peoples stares say.  We know who you are and you know who you are.  To be honest I think you’re looking at this thing all wrong.  If I was a white man for a day I would be the first one going out and taking advantage of all the perks that come along with that,” Doran said.

“What?  I’m living through a nightmare right now and you’re talking about perks,” I snapped.

“Yes perks!  That’s the problem baby. This doesn’t have to be a nightmare.  Just think of all the opportunities your white skin will afford you.  In fact, let’s test it out at the mall.  Come on.  Let’s try it out.  You might just like it.  If I had white skin I’d do something like go apply for a business loan, buy a house, ask for a raise, join a country club and all the other things white skin affords you.  I’m telling you that you’re looking at this thing all wrong baby,” Doran said laughing.

I thought about it and Doran did have a point.  “Babe you are crazy,” I laughed with him.

Totally oblivious to what we were talking about Ina interrupted and asked, “So are we going to the mall mom?”

“I guess so,” I said hesitantly.

“Yaaayyyy!” Ina cheered.

“Alright!  To the mall it is,” Doran said.

I knew that he would probably go to Pentagon City Mall, which was about 15 minutes away in Northern Virginia and just as I expected that’s just where Doran went.  The mall wasn’t too crowded, but crowded enough.  When we first got there I felt like all eyes were on me.  I started to feel so anxious.  I started to perspire.  My heart seemed to pound out of my chest and my white washed face was flush. 

Doran looked at me with a look of concern and said, “Baby you have to calm yourself down.”

“I know and I’m trying,” I said trying to control my breathing as I spoke.  

My throat was so dry that I could barely swallow.  I took in a deep breath and tried to calm myself down as best I could.  It wasn’t working.  I just started to feel like the walls were caving in on me.   

I looked around and the it was like all eyes were on me.  Then everything went black.  I don’t remember what happened after that.  I just remember seeing Ina and Doran sitting on both sides of me on a mall bench. 

“Baby are you okay?” Doran asked with a look of worry.

“What happened?” I asked.

“You passed out!  Luckily when you did we were close enough to this bench where we sat you down so as not to draw any attention to you.  What happened baby?  Are you okay?” Doran asked still very concerned.

“Yeah mom.  You scared me to death!” Ina said almost panicking.

“I’m sorry Ina.  I’m okay.  I just think I got a little overly anxious.  I just need a second to get myself together.  I’m okay though,” I said reassuringly.

I could tell that neither of them were convinced.  I sat still for another couple of minutes trying to calm my breathing and slow down my heart rate.  Soon I was relaxed.  Doran, who was holding my hand the whole time could feel the tension in my hands gradually relax.

“So are you ready to try this again baby?” he asked looking into my eyes.

“Yeah I’m ready now.  Let’s do this,” I answered.

We all got up and started walking through the mall.  This time I avoided everyone’s eyes.  I walked through the mall as if I were in my own skin.  I decided to heed Doran’s advice and change my attitude about the whole thing. 

Seeing the change in my demeanor and apparently sensing the change in my energy Doran looked over at me and smiled.  I knew why he was smiling so I smiled back.

“So you’re getting the hang of this thing I see,” Doran said.

“A little.  I’m just coming into some level of acceptance of it.  I’m realizing that my resistance of it isn’t doing me any good.  So I’m just approaching it a different way,” I said.

“Well that’s a good start baby.  I’m proud of you for that,” Doran said.

“Yeah so let’s do this babe.  I’m ready,” I said with my head held high walking forward.

In that instant I was in a different space.  I was deep in the unknown, deeper than I’d ever been.  I had no idea where I was headed in my new skin.  I had no idea about the why of it all.  I just knew that I had to be the one to bring myself into the knowing of it all.  This happened to me and me alone and it happened to me for a reason.  I had to get to the root of of it and that meant that I had to lose the fear and figure things out.

Just as I was deep in thought about it all the most bizarre thing happened.  I looked up and what I saw shook me to the core!  My face turned flush.  My heart began beating out of my chest, I got shortness of breath and my entire reality took a drastic turn.  Still holding my hand and seeing and feeling the change in my energy Doran turned toward me and looked at my face then followed my eyes to see what I saw.  It shocked us both the very core.

Oblivious to what was happening Ina grabbed my other hand and said, “Ooooh mom can we see a movie?” pointing to the movie theatre just ahead of us.