Why Do Men Have Nipples? (10 page)

Leyner:
Picking scabs.

Gberg:
I love it when they bring the food to the table and say “hot plate.”

Gberg:
Can’t help but touch.

Leyner:
That’s good!

Leyner:
More . . .

Gberg:
Like Carrie says, “More funny, boys.”

Gberg:
Making fun of the editor is one of those things that you are not supposed to do but can’t resist.

Leyner:
More funny like, “How do you extract my size 9 old school Adidas shell toe from the rectum of a book editor?” More funny . . .

Gberg:
Should I leave that in?

6:10
P.M.

Leyner:
Your call.

Leyner:
Might be a little harsh.

Leyner:
But it’s from the heart.

Gberg:
Slightly.

Gberg:
A dangerous little muscle, that heart of yours.

Leyner:
I’m trying to think of more not-to-do stuff.

Gberg:
Talk at a woman’s breasts.

Gberg:
Eat your young.

Leyner:
Pick chicken pox.

Gberg:
You just want to pick stuff.

Leyner:
Pop pimples.

Gberg:
Talk with food in your mouth.

Leyner:
I knew some girls who loved popping each other’s and their boyfriends’ pimples.

6:30
P.M.

Gberg:
I wish my lady would groom me like a monkey.

Leyner:
It’s all in the eating . . . monkeys combine grooming and eating . . . that’s the special part . . . picking insects out of our fur and eating them.

Leyner:
Metaphorically speaking.

Gberg:
You are at your best when speaking metaphorically.

Leyner:
Thank you again.

Gberg:
I gotta leave to go to the Knicks game soon.

Leyner:
Can we get back at this tomorrow when you get back from the hospital?

Gberg:
Let’s try to finish everything.

Leyner:
You have to go, right . . . we’ll talk about it tomorrow.

Gberg:
OK, let’s talk tomorrow.

Leyner:
I’ll look at the e-mail . . . and we’ll drive the final stake into the heart of this vampiress tomorrow.

IS IT DANGEROUS TO PERFORM COLONIC
IRRIGATION ON YOURSELF?

Colonic irrigation claims to help indigestion and yeast infections, control blood pressure, restore pH balance, reduce bad odors, clear colon blockage, induce proper blood clotting, stimulate production of white blood cells, help prevent gallstone production, clean the colon of parasites, help loss of concentration, and aid lung congestion, sinus congestion, skin problems, and nail fungus.

Not a bad day’s work, but not exactly proven, and yes, potentially dangerous.

Colonic irrigation (CI) is a procedure in which very large quantities of liquids are infused into the large intestine, or the colon, via the rectum through a tube. The purpose is to detoxify the body through the removal of accumulated waste from the colon. This may involve the use of twenty or more gallons of liquid. Liquids used in colonics may contain coffee, herbs, enzymes, or wheatgrass.

The machines used for colon therapy are illegal unless used during conventional medical treatment. Colon therapy also can be dangerous. Complications include bowel perforation, heart failure from excessive fluid absorption, electrolyte imbalance, and several outbreaks of serious infections. One case linked to contaminated equipment caused amebiasis, a parasitic infection, in thirty-six people.

11:50
A.M.

Leyner:
This book is going to ruin both of us. The editor will probably get a huge promotion and we’ll end up in the subway wearing fedoras and playing Andean flute music.

Gberg:
Andean flute music sounds appropriate for the theme music in a colonic ad.

11:55
A.M.

Leyner:
Why are people so interested in colonics?

Gberg:
Seems insane to me.

Gberg:
Who says it’s supposed to be clean, that is, your colon?

Gberg:
I sounded like Yoda there.

Leyner:
Me too . . . part of the wonderful Judeo-Christian legacy of self-loathing . . . you know . . . how we’re essentially filthy inside.

Gberg:
Putrefaction.

Gberg:
I feel like I am rotting inside today.

Leyner:
That’s right . . . If you can’t have a dirty colon . . . c’mon.

Gberg:
Good title for a pop song.

Leyner:
Sounds good for Prince.

Gberg:
Imagine Britney Spears singing the Mark Leyner version of “If you can’t have a dirty colon . . . c’mon.”

Gberg:
Great video too.

Leyner:
I love tracking the doings of aging rock stars.

Gberg:
Some celebrity colonoscopy cameos.

12:00
P.M.

Leyner:
Rod Stewart’s become the new Jim Nabors somehow.

Gberg:
What is he up to now?

Gberg:
I read something on Page Six about Elton John injecting himself with lamb’s urine to lose weight.

Leyner:
Rod’s singing duets with Dolly Parton, Gershwin ballads, and children’s songs . . . and doing an album with the Wiggles next—wouldn’t surprise me.

Gberg:
They also said “Michael Jackson reportedly used to keep his weight down with lots of self-administered enemas, but later needed a tampon to control ‘embarrassing leakage.’”

Leyner:
How do you get a lamb to pee in a cup?

Gberg:
That is going to be my next job after the book—catheterizing lambs.

Leyner:
Jackson should let himself get fat like Elvis did.

Leyner:
Is that true about Elton John and lamb urine?

Gberg:
Page Six, my friend. Check the New York Post. Isn’t everything in the newspaper true?

Leyner:
Yes . . .

Gberg:
Maybe we can add the lamb’s urine question in as an urban legend.

Leyner:
Doesn’t something have to be in the public subconsciousness for more than a day to qualify as an “urban legend”?

DOES BREAST MILK CURE WARTS?

Here’s one from the June 2004
New England Journal of Medicine
. A cream containing an ingredient of human breast milk appears to be an effective treatment for stubborn warts. The key ingredient of the cream is a compound called alpha-lactalbumin-oleic acid. Its Swedish creators have nicknamed the cream HAMLET, for Human Alpha-lactalbumin Made Lethal to Tumor cells.

This may lead to other areas of research as certain types of warts or human papilloma virus (HPV) can be linked to cervical cancer.

No word yet on whether Starbucks will be introducing a tall-decaf-breast latte.

IF YOU GET BITTEN BY A SNAKE, SHOULD
YOU SUCK OUT THE VENOM?

I love a good Western and nothing could be more bad-ass than biting into a snake wound and spitting out the venom. Of course this would be followed by some whiskey and a good gunfight.

Unfortunately, this is no longer an accepted practice. Sucking at a snakebite is not only ineffective but could lead to an infection at the wound site.

According to the American Red Cross, these steps should be taken after a snakebite:

1. Wash the bite with soap and water.

2. Immobilize the bitten area and keep it lower than the heart.

3. Get medical help.

Toxicology experts might also suggest applying a tourniquet loosely above the bite to prevent the venom from spreading. This must be done with caution, as the tourniquet itself can cause problems if it cuts off the blood flow entirely.

The person then needs to be transported rapidly to an emergency room. Antivenin is available for a variety of different snakes. Other treatments include antibiotics and surgery.

Of the estimated one hundred and twenty different types of snakes found in the United States, about twenty are poisonous. Most bites occur in the southwestern part of the nation, but they even occur in New York City. In New York State there are three species of poisonous snakes, the timber rattlesnake, the massasauga rattlesnake, and the copperhead. In the city, however, most bites occur from snakes that are kept as pets.

WHAT ARE HICCUPS, AND HOW DO YOU GET
RID OF THEM?

Doctors are known for using complicated words that make them sound either extremely intelligent or really out of touch with what most people can understand. The medical word for hiccups, singultus, is a perfect example of when physicians sound ridiculous.

Hiccups are caused when the diaphragm becomes irritated and pushes air rapidly up in such a way that it makes an irregular sound.

Some things that irritate the diaphragm and cause hiccups are distention of the stomach from food, alcohol, or air, sudden changes in gastric temperature, or use of alcohol and/or tobacco in excess. Hiccups also can be caused by excitement or stress.

While most cases of the hiccups last only a few minutes, some cases of the hiccups can last for days or weeks. This is very unusual, though, and it’s usually a sign of another medical problem, such as injections near the diaphragm, hiatal hernias, severe gastroesophageal reflux disease (GERD), or a tumor irritating the nerves in the chest. Hiccups lasting longer than one month are termed intractable or incurable. The longest recorded attack of hiccups is six decades. Doctors sometimes use the antipsychotic drug Thorazine to treat intractable hiccups.

If you don’t want to go the antipsychotic route, you could try one of these simpler but unproven cures:

1. Breathing into a paper bag.

2. Drinking out of a cup from the side opposite your mouth.

3. Holding your breath.

4. Eating a teaspoon of sugar.

5. Sucking on a wedge of lime or lemon.

6. Drinking a glass of water with a straw while you plug your ears with your fingers.

7. Pulling the top of your hair for one to two minutes.

8. Placing a cotton swab in the roof of your mouth and gently rubbing.

9. Pulling hard on your tongue.

DOES BATHING IN TOMATO JUICE REMOVE
THE SMELL OF A SKUNK?

For those of you who were watching TV in 1970, you may have seen episode 8 of the first season of
The Partridge Family
when a skunk finds its way onto the family bus and turns the Partridges into stinkers. Reuben remembers that tomato juice can remove the skunk odor, so the family bathes in it. All is well until the family dog gets them covered again. Without time to take another tomato bath, the band plays their concert at a children’s hospital from inside a glass-enclosed operating room. That’s great TV.

The major molecules that make skunk spray smell are sulfur compounds. It is a common belief that tomato juice removes the smell, but there is no scientific evidence to support this claim. The tomato juice probably just tricks the nose into not recognizing the skunk smell through the overpowering red gravy scent. One recommended treatment for pets is one quart 3-percent hydrogen peroxide, one cup baking soda, and one teaspoon mild dishwashing detergent. People can try the same, but be careful; the peroxide can have a bleaching effect.

DOES EATING FRESH PARSLEY CURE BAD
BREATH?

Parsley was used in the past in medicinal recipes for cure-alls, general tonics, poison antidotes, and kidney and bladder stone relief. Parsley is rich in vitamins and minerals, particularly vitamins A and C. It is also said to be rich in antioxidants. Parsley also can relieve bad breath, although there are no medical studies linking it to halitosis. It is good to note that there are two varieties of parsley: curly-leafed and flat-leafed, which has the stronger flavor. Therefore, the flat-leaf kind is better to cure your chili dog breath.

DOES WARM MILK REALLY HELP YOU SLEEP?

There doesn’t appear to be a great deal of research on the role of milk as a sleep aid. Milk is certainly a simpler alternative to prescription sleeping pills or drinking so much you just pass out, and there are several theories as to why it might work. Milk contains tryptophan, the same ingredient that makes everyone sleepy after Thanksgiving dinner (see food coma question on page 44). The warmth of the milk can have a minimal effect on your body temperature and sometimes make sleep a little easier. Milk also contains melatonin, which is a natural sleep aid. One company, Night Time Milk in England, even sells milk from cows milked at night when the melatonin is increased. The milk is marketed as a sleep aid, proving that people will buy anything today.

CHAPTER 5

DRUGS AND ALCOHOL

Eloise,
with her wounds cleaned and dressed, is back in business and is refreshing glasses and making small talk. Leyner appears wounded from his laboratory mishap and is quietly sitting cross-legged in the corner, sullenly nursing the dregs of his bottle of tequila. I’ve never condoned casual drug use, but I almost feel compelled to spike the punch bowl with a strong sedative and sneak out to find my way home. I resist this evil urge and feel better until I am confronted again by the indefatigable but once fat guy Jeremy Burns.