Why Do Men Have Nipples? (19 page)

Male menopause is thought to be due to a decrease in testosterone. In contrast to the female menopause, the process in men is characterized by slow onset and slow progression. There is a progressive reduction in testicular function in men between the ages of twenty-five and seventy-five. During this time, the amount of available testosterone can fall by almost 50 percent. This is not a fixed number and there is a great deal of variation among individual men.

The symptoms of this syndrome are lethargy, or fatigue, depression, increased irritability, mood swings, decrease in lean muscle, increase in fat, decreased libido, and difficulty in attaining and sustaining erections. Many men now receive treatment with testosterone, and report improved symptoms. There is a downside to this treatment as it can increase the risk of prostate cancer and atherosclerosis.

Many experts believe that this syndrome is more likely to be the result of nonhormonal explanations or the normal aging process. Lifestyle factors such as alcohol and drug use, medications, marital problems, financial problems, and stress in general all may have a role. Doesn’t sound much different than a midlife crisis.

11:15
A.M.

Leyner:
I’m going to give my daughter some Benadryl and I’ll be right there.

Leyner:
Be right back.

Gberg:
Okay—

Gberg:
So, you medicate your daughter in order to get work done.

11:20
A.M.

Leyner:
How dare you suggest such a thing—pharmaco-parenting!

Gberg:
A little Benadryl beats a little Ritalin.

Gberg:
What, are you too offended to respond?

Leyner:
I’m stretching to gear up for this session. . . .

Gberg:
I am having a cup of coffee and trying to jump-start my lethargic body.

Gberg:
I can’t believe I have to work 4–12.

Leyner:
How are you feeling? Any better?

11:25
A.M.

Gberg:
Tired, didn’t sleep all that much.

Gberg:
Just getting old, I guess.

Gberg:
Male menopause.

Leyner:
Shouldn’t old people sleep better, sort of like dry runs for death?

Gberg:
Manopause.

Leyner:
I think I’m getting younger from the neck down and rapidly achieving senescence from the neck up.

Gberg:
Please just stay above the waist—it’s too early to hear anything more.

Leyner:
How come lawyers never use male menopause as a mitigating defense?

Gberg:
What, a hot flash causing road rage?

11:30
A.M.

Leyner:
A hot flash causing an otherwise rational person to decide that murder makes more practical sense than divorce . . .

Leyner:
Aren’t we entering into a world in which old-age homes will be populated with withered hags with enormous perfect boobs and hunched drooling men struggling to haul their pec implants around the joint?

Gberg:
Both covered in faded tattoos that now resemble ancient cave paintings.

Leyner:
Exactly!!!!!

Gberg:
But at least the blue hair will seem somewhat funky rather than freaky . . .

Gberg:
Or maybe not.

WHY ARE OLDER PEOPLE SUCH BAD
DRIVERS?

Our population is aging. Persons sixty-five and older now represent about 12 percent of the total U.S. population. In 2050 there should be about 86.7 million seniors in the United States, comprising 21 percent of the total population. I hope that they aren’t driving in front of me. Wait a minute . . . that is going to be
me
!

It is true that older drivers are more likely to get in multiple vehicle accidents, more likely to get traffic citations, and more likely to get seriously injured in a crash than younger drivers. One theory is that they tend to overestimate their abilities and are less able to compensate for their mistakes.

There are also some medical reasons that older drivers are less adept behind the wheel. First, seniors need to contend with common vision problems. Loss of visual acuity (especially night vision) is a problem and even when corrected there is usually still a loss of peripheral vision, contrast vision, and depth perception. Hearing loss makes drivers less likely to hear important cues such as sirens, horns, or screeching tires, too. Restricted mobility, weakness, and decreased reaction time also contribute to driving problems.

IS THERE REALLY A WRINKLE CURE?

The only way to prevent wrinkles is to avoid aging or to freeze yourself like Austin Powers. Otherwise, you will have to stick with sunscreen and moisturizers. To reduce or improve wrinkles there are several options.

Tretinoin (Retin-A) is the only topical medication that has been clearly proven to improve wrinkles in controlled clinical studies. It is also the only FDA-approved medical treatment for this purpose. Tretinoin increases sensitivity to sunlight, therefore sun avoidance, protective clothing, and sunscreen are recommended when used. Side effects include peeling, dry skin, burning, itching, and redness.

Hydroxy acids are also present in many over-the-counter creams and there is some evidence that they may help with minor wrinkles. There is great variability in the amount and type of hydroxy acid in different products and therefore variable efficacy.

Other more drastic treatments include chemical peels and laser resurfacing. The short answer, though, is not really.

CAN ALUMINUM CAUSE ALZHEIMER’S?

If aluminum caused Alzheimer’s, wouldn’t the Tin Man have needed a brain rather than a heart?

Aluminum intake is unavoidable. It comes primarily from food, drinking water, and pharmaceuticals, like antacids. It occurs both naturally and as an additive. It also can leach into food from the pans we use. Aluminum has been linked with Alzheimer’s disease since the 1960s. For almost every study in favor of a connection, there has been a study against it. Like many scientific theories, there remain many unanswered questions. The majority of scientists now believe that if aluminum plays any role in Alzheimer’s at all, it is very small.

What does this mean for us? It means we can relax. Aluminum is the third most common element in our world after oxygen and silicon, so it would be extremely difficult to entirely avoid aluminum. If you do choose to try and avoid aluminum, you can drink filtered water, avoid aluminum-containing antiperspirants, and be careful when cooking acidic or basic foods in aluminum-containing cookware.

If you are going to be an anti-aluminum crusader, we hope that you will be consistent. There is nothing more annoying than people preaching to you about eating organic while they are smoking cigarettes.

12:55
P.M.

Gberg:
Are you there?

Gberg:
Shall we call it quits?

Leyner:
When I get sufficiently old and incontinent, I want to be taken to the doctor in one of those pet-carrying cases . . . like a cat . . . and left there.

Leyner:
Then I want to be boiled down and canned.

Leyner:
My version of a pharonic memorial . . . instead of mummification . . . canning . . .

Gberg:
And then your entire family can keep a can of you on a back shelf next to the Spam.

Leyner:
Exactly . . . a fitting tribute.

Leyner:
That seems to wrap all this up: aging, family, cannibalism, and the pursuit of health . . .

Gberg:
We have come full circle.