Read Why Men Love Bitches Online
Authors: Sherry Argov
Why Men Love Bitches (21 page)
When you tell a man how you feel, most of the time he doesn’t understand what you’re talking about. You’ll probably just confuse and frustrate him. If you take a look at Attraction Principle #62, you’ll see what he
does
understand.
ATTRACTION PRINCIPLE #62He perceives an emotional woman as more of a pushover.
My friend Gary races cars, and he shared a story about a girlfriend who nagged him. After a particular racing event, Gary was sitting next to his girlfriend in the stands. A couple of friendly women approached them and asked for his autograph. He recalls, “I couldn’t believe my girlfriend got so upset because I didn’t introduce her as my girlfriend. I just forgot, but she kept nagging. She even pouted.” What he said next is interesting: “Do you know what the biggest turnoff is? A
martyr.”
We don’t know if she overreacted because he may have been flirting up a storm. But what’s interesting about this story is his choice of the word
martyr
. She was trying to use guilt to control and manipulate him; and men resent being manipulated. On the other hand, if she had backed off subtly, he’d have seen a woman who has pride and dignity-both of which are powerfully attractive qualities.
ATTRACTION PRINCIPLE #63In the same way that familiarity breeds contempt, a slightly aloof demeanor can often renew his respect.
If a man isn’t being nice when you’re out, all you have to do is remain polite and then go home early. “I have a big day tomorrow.
[Yawn.]
We need to call this an early night.” The next time you go out, he’ll be on his best behavior.
An acquaintance of mine named Cynthia told me a funny story about her boyfriend. They were seeing each other exclusively, and one night he went to a strip-bar. She was not a happy camper and wanted to discourage him from going again. She did not nag. A couple of days later, she pretended that she had gotten a job at a local strip club. “Checking coats. Isn’t that great?” Then she talked about finding the right platform shoes.
On their next date, she wore hot pink lipstick and teased her hair as though she’d been electrocuted. Then came the light blue eyeshadow on the entire lid, all the way up to the eyebrow. He wanted to see “hoochies” and girlfriend delivered a “super-deluxe hoochie” package.
It didn’t take long before he came unglued: “I don’t want my woman in a place like that!” This began a discussion that ended in a mutual agreement that they would both stay out of “places like that.” (See? Why argue your case when you can get him to argue it for you?)
There are times when a serious issue arises, and there is a need for a more serious discussion. If and when this situation presents itself, there is still a way of emphasizing your position
without
nagging or repeating yourself several times. If he asks, “Is something wrong?” take a breath and respond calmly. “Yes, something is wrong, but I’d like to talk about it later. I really don’t want to talk about it now.”
Instead of being muted, the volume is now turned up and the surround-sound is on. Chances are you won’t have to say a word because by the time you do get around to discussing it, he’s already made sure he won’t do it again. Meanwhile, he’s thinking of ways to make it up to you. All before you’ve said one word. Better, no?
It’s like he’s defragmenting his hard drive. You’re making him clean up his own hard drive without any nagging whatsoever. You walk away and do your own thing…while he is “self-correcting” himself.
ATTRACTION PRINCIPLE #64He’ll forget what he has in you…unless you remind him.
A lot of women think they need to “cattle prod” the guy out of his oblivion by nagging. “I’ll sting him.” Or they don’t realize that they’re nagging.
Every now and then remind yourself: “Hey, men are people too.” And put yourself in his shoes—being around someone who acts like your mother isn’t a whole lot of fun.
It’s with your behavior, not with your words, that you let him know where you stand.
After all, a strong woman is everything men dream and fantasize about. Baseball, hot dogs, apple pie, and…bitches—it doesn’t get any better than that.
Secret
“PLAY BOOK”
Things You Suspected but Never Heard Him Say
“Don’t learn the tricks of the trade. Learn the trade.”
—A
NONYMOUS
Women often assume that men aren’t “in touch” with their feelings and don’t have a clue about what is going on in romantic relationships. Because men aren’t as likely to express themselves, women presume men “just don’t get it.”
Men have an aversion to talking about feelings. They even avoid watching movies about “feelings.” Mike described to me how men view emotional movies that women like: “There is always a mother, a daughter, and the mother’s best friend. The whole movie they are at a beach, or they are squeezing tomatoes in a garden with a stupid straw hat on. And everyone is whimpering the whole time. ‘Mama? Boo, hoo, hoo.’ Then the mom starts crying. A bunch of women whimpering is not a plot. I can’t sit through two hours of that.”
Men are about as interested in talking about feelings or watching “chick flicks” as we are watching them get under a car and rebuild an engine. To them, watching a movie like
Terms of Endearment
or
Steel Magnolias
is cruel and unusual punishment. One guy named Chris recalled: “It was horrible! And I had to watch that shit for three hours just to prove that I wasn’t an asshole.” This statement even brought support from a guy standing nearby: “I feel for you, man. That sucks. That’s almost as bad as having to listen to Michael Bolton. All that wailing and weeping? I can’t listen to it.”
What is also interesting is how men discuss “feelings.” If you ask a man to say that word out loud, he’ll pronounce it with a tone of dread. “
Fff-fffff—feeeee-
lings.” As the conversation continues, you’ll notice a pained facial expression as if he’s “going in” for some kind of invasive surgical procedure. Side effects vary; usually digestive problems occur. (Therefore, before discussing “feelings,” make sure to steam some rice to quell his upset stomach.)
This lack of sentiment leads women to believe men are “out of touch.” But nothing could be further from the truth. I spoke with hundreds of men of all ages while researching this book. The youngest was eighteen and the oldest was seventy; some were married and some were single. To my surprise, they were more articulate about their perceptions than any girlfriends I’ve ever talked with were about theirs. I found the men to be surprisingly forthcoming and truthful.
In the balance of this chapter, I’ve taken the best, most revealing quotes and put them all together in list form to help women learn what men notice. I’ve highlighted the quotes that reveal what men think about a needy woman, a feisty woman, and what turns men on or off.
This information will “connect the dots,” confirming the advice given in the other chapters. You’ll understand not only what the advice is, but also,
why the advice thoughout this book
was given.
1. “If a woman doesn’t wear her heart on her sleeve, she comes off as less emotional and more appealing. It makes the relationship go smoothly. For example, a guy
has
to go to work. It isn’t that he doesn’t want to spend time with a woman; it’s that a lot of times he
can’t.
So when a woman gives you room to live your life without getting upset, you’ll feel she’s adding much more to your life.”2. “I like a woman who’s quiet at times because then you’re not sure what she’s thinking. She’ll seem more secure with herself, like she has control over herself and her emotions. You want to be with a person who can think before she speaks.”
3. “Some women seem defensive or guarded, and that can be viewed as insecurity, also. There was one woman who turned me off before we even went out. She was so concerned about
protecting
herself that she told me what she wouldn’t tolerate in our first phone conversation. She gave me this warning based on what happened with the
last
guy. We hadn’t even had our first date, and already she was laying down the law. I hadn’t even made a traffic violation and she’d already sentenced me to death. All I did was ask her out on a date!”4. “I went out with a woman who interrogated me. I got the impression that she had been burned. Actually, it was more like she’d been
scorched.
No guy wants to feel like he’s paying for some other guy’s mistakes.”5. “I dated a woman who loved to talk and talk. We’d fall asleep talking, and I’d wake up and she’d still be talking. I realized that she wasn’t doing it because she wanted to tell me anything, she was doing it because she just couldn’t shut up.”
ATTRACTION PRINCIPLE #65Many women talk a lot out of nervousness-which is something that men will often perceive as insecurity.
6. “One woman I dated was really needy. She needed constant reassurance about everything. Her family, her friends, and her job.
During sex,
she said to me, ‘Do you know what happened to me today at work?’ That one killed my ego!”7. “The conversation is part of the companionship, but it isn’t everything. Women overdo talking about feelings. If it feels like you’ve run out of things to talk about, that’s not a good thing. There has to be a balance somewhere in between.”
8. “One woman tried to change me. She tried to get me to talk about my ‘feelings’ more. Hey, look. I can deal with my
own
problems.”9. “When someone tries to get me to open up and I don’t want to, there is no way they are getting the information out of me. I’ll close up even more. I don’t need a woman to ‘help’ me.”
10. “It really makes us happy when a woman lets us go out with the guys and has no attitude about it. Like if I get tickets to a hockey game at the last minute. If she’s cool even when I cancel plans with her, it wins my respect. It feels like she is secure with herself, and she cares about what makes me happy, too.”
11. “I had one girlfriend who talked so much I could walk away into another room and she’d still be talking. One time I was in the bathroom trying to have some privacy and she was talking to me through the crack of the door. I really think there was something wrong with her.”
ATTRACTION PRINCIPLE #66Talking about feelings to a man will feel like
work.
When he’s with a woman, he wants it to feel like
fun
.12. “When a guy talks about something, it’s over in thirty seconds. But for a woman, it goes on and on. What seems like a trivial thing to him seems like it’s life threatening to her. So then you try to help and you say, ‘Honey, it doesn’t matter.’ But that makes it worse because she thinks you don’t care.”
13. “I think a woman who talks less is more attractive because it makes her more mysterious. It is not a good thing to just ramble on. Communication should be about quality not quantity. If a woman is uncomfortable or bothered, he should be able to feel it without her saying a word.”
14. “One woman wanted the two of us to always be together. She tried to change how I spend all my time. And every guy has his own special time or recreation. She wanted me to do stuff I didn’t want to do. If she knows I am not the ‘artsy’ type, she should let me be who I am. She shouldn’t be dragging me to an art gallery or a museum. If a guy treats a woman well, but he doesn’t write poetry or buy stupid cards expressing his
feelings,
she should just leave well enough alone.”15. “I don’t mind a woman who changes the decor in the house, but when she is obsessed with changing me, it gets old. I want a woman who has a sense of purpose in her own life, so she doesn’t waste all her energy trying to control mine.”